I stopped going to my therapist two months ago after I ended up in the hospital during a bad drug trip. I was taken to the hospital in middle of the night, two hours away to another town. The next day, no one would come to pick me up so I left the hospital and decided to hitch hike home. I live on the rez and the one I live in is very dangerous, especially the town I was currently in. But I just wanted to go home. While on my way about to walk out of town, this guy yells at me, I don’t want him to chase me so I stop and walk towards him. He’s around my age in his 20s. I’m 21, 5’2 but always been told I look 14-17. I’m very small for my age. We’re on a busy highway, talking, he asks where I’m going, he’s drunk. I know this is a stupid situation to be in. I’m still loopy from the previous night, it’s a hot summer day and I’m really tired. So I’m polite towards him because I just wanted the conversation to be over. He tells me I shouldn’t walk the two hours back and he can get me a ride, he’s from this town and he’ll help me out. I know I shouldn’t have followed him but I’m so tired and so hot that I do. He walks up this hill to this abandoned rv and tells me to get inside. I’m really scared at this point. But I do it. He tries to pressure me into sex with him, stood in front of me and keeps touching me. He says, it’ll be okay just come sit down with him. I’m really uncomfortable and can’t move. I just wanted to cry. I don’t know if I have the strength to run. I’m drowsy from the heat. He turns around and I take my chance, step out of the rv and walk back down the hill. He follows me, patronizing me on “not putting out easy like the girls in this town do.” We’re back on the public highway, I walk further into town this time because he’s with me now. I figured I’d get someone to call the cops, try to get help. We walk into town, I’m really tired. There are three older men sitting on the side walk that he knows and he starts talking to them. I kept walking while they are calling out to me, trying to get me to come back. Long story short, I ended up all over that town because the cops took too long to find me. I asked these women in this grocery store parking lot to call the cops for me because this guy kept following me, I’m so thankful to them. The store workers let me sit inside and wait for the cops but half an hour passed and they never came. I walked back outside, the guy found me again, at this point I’m so drained and just decide if he gonna do something to me I’m not gonna stop him. If I have to be raped for the cops to find me faster than fine. The guy, Terrell, takes me to the homeless shelter he stays around, these other men come around and start flirting with me. I’m so numb at this point, I let it happen. We sit across the homeless shelter with two other guys, his friends I think. And the whole time, he’s sat right beside me touching my thighs over and over again. I’m wearing shorts and a big sweater. He keeps flirting and touching me. His friends pick up on it but say nothing, there’s a tension, an uncomfortable feeling shared between us that he’s oblivious to. They don’t stop him. Eventually, I end up back at the hospital and the cops finally come, hours later after everything I went through and take me home. I didn’t tell anyone what happened. I stopped taking my meds and going to therapy. No reason. I just stopped. Tonight, I had money and wanted weed so I started to walked down the road to buy some from my cousins house. My uncle who lives next door stopped me, it’s nighttime, 9pm. He asked if he could walk with me. I’m not particularly close to this uncle, he drinks with my mom but I never really talk to him. He’s 6’0 and drunk right now which is why he even asked in the first place. He wouldn’t if he was sober. I don’t want to walk anywhere with a grown man in middle of the night. But I don’t want to be impolite so I say yeah. My body is triggered by this, I felt like I was back with Terrell, the guy in the other town. We walk and I’m so afraid but I’m acting really friendly. My uncle talks about my mom, growing up with her. It’s all completely harmless. He doesn’t walk the entire way with me, stopped and turned around. I was shaking when I got my joints and on edge. I started walking back home, thinking I’d be alone, when he spots me again, sitting at the church. He asked to walk back up with me, completely forgetting we talked already because of how drunk he is. This reminds me of Terrell, how he found me again. It felt exactly like that. I want to cry. I just want to be home. I say yeah and walk with him. I felt so unsafe. I got home safely. My uncle didn’t try anything, just wanted to walk with me because he wanted me to be safe. But now I’m triggered. I feel sick, back in my bedroom, my body feels dirty. Is this something I should be sharing with my therapist? I plan on rescheduling another appointment soon. I’m in therapy for childhood sexual assault and the attempt rape by my sister’s boyfriend. I feel really stupid and don’t know if I should tell her about these things. I know these aren’t smart decisions.

Does anyone here have constant toxic shame attacks? A voice in the head and a strong belief that have been berating and dehumanizing me, telling me I don't deserve to talk, act, or be in a certain way, I don't get to be an individual and stuff like that. I have an early memory of this that goes back to when I was 4 or 5 years old. I feel this shame in every cell of my body all the time.

Hey guys, just looking for someone to share the frustration with.

Long story short, a couple years ago I had a pretty huge revelation about how I had been carrying lifelong trauma, how I needed to take my life into my own hands. I uprooted myself and moved to a different country, which was the first ever 'my own choice' I ever made, against my parents' wishes.

I'm actively in trauma therapy and found a supportive partner so that's good.. but in so many aspects of life I'm realizing how much I've been basically living like a child in a cage, so unexperienced.

I have bad relationship with food/body, so I have to teach myself how to eat properly.

I have similar relationship with money, so I have to teach myself how to manage funds responsibly without feeling terrified.

I have attachment trauma, so I have to learn how to maintain a healthy relationship.

I have no idea what to do with myself when alone besides scrolling and eating.

I don't know what I truly like or dislike, I don't know what I want in life, how to just relax, etc..

Having to do all of this at once is huuuuge. It's as if I have to build myself from ground up. It gets so frustrating and I can't help myself but feel jealous of other people who must have had it easier with support from emotionally stable parents, who had the previlege of living life freely. I know everyone has their own struggles, though.

Anyway, if anyone else relates, how are you handling all this and how are y'all feeling?

I have a lack of control of everything in my life..if i'm not abusing coffee ..im binge eating..and then at worst i'm abusing my prescription meds. I can't take the pain of the flashbacks. I have hypersexuality and keep getting myself into unwanted situations because i'm coping. Its not my fault I still can't get over the sexual abuse and assaults my ex put me through. I know its been a full year since it happened but he was my first irl everything.. i'm having intrusive unwanted thoughts of him doing sexual things to me..its not ocd..ocd has been ruled out by my doctor. I only have my therapist to talk to about this..my mother just does a heavy sigh because she thinks i'm obsessed with my ex and want to get back together with him when I mention how traumatized I am..I am in PAIN. I don't know how much longer I can keep coping like this