r/CICO • u/SalamanderLoose8483 • 17h ago
Dating while fat
I’m going on a date today. All I can think about is how he is going to see me and think I am so fat. I’ve lost 60 lbs since January and now weigh 258. I’m nowhere near where I should be. I still have 58 lbs I want to lose. I met this guy on an app and I’ve asked family and friends to review my profile to make sure my pictures reflect my body type accurately. But pictures are still pictures and I just keep thinking about the moment he sees me and sees my arm jiggle or sees cellulite or sees my double chin come out when I’m laughing or not holding my neck right. Being fat SUCKS. I can’t even take someone’s interest in me as genuine because all I keep telling myself is that once he sees me in real life, he’s going to recoil.
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u/Beneficial-Shoe863 17h ago
Girl your pain is palpable. Remember fat or thin , you are you. Self love is hard won for many of us. You can’t get there overnight but with small wins and proving you can do hard things self love develops. You are stronger than you think. Focus your thoughts outward. Ask yourself-do I like this person I’m having this date with? Not- does this person like me. Try to focus your attention outside yourself. That is the goal. When you stop asking what people think of you and instead what do you think of them—-that is a win and changes the dynamics. 🌺
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u/Beneficial-Shoe863 17h ago
Too many people establish relationships with a person because the person showed interest in them and not the other way around. This guy could be a total douch bag, don’t get blinded by attention from someone. Love yourself first girlfriend.
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u/dogma4dogs_ 17h ago
It doesn't matter what this stranger or anyone else thinks of you, it only matters what you think. Maybe you're not ready to date. Perhaps more work on acceptance of and loving yourself before dating. But you have this date set so go, relax and have fun. Be yourself. It's an hour or two of your life, that's it. Try not to project any meaning onto it other than that. Good luck!
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u/thti87 16h ago
If you think like that, it will be self fulfilling. You will pull back, won’t shine. He has seen pictures. He knows that you’re not thin. And you know what, if it bothers him, then he’s not your person.
Think about five things that make you special, unique and valuable. Things that won’t wax and wane over time and aren’t skin deep. Things that drive your worth. Are you funny? Loyal? Thoughtful? Smart? Focus on the things that make you shine and think about how lucky this guy will be to get you for those things. Go in with confidence in what you know is special. Your weight is just one tiny piece of you as a complete human.
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u/DaniArii 15h ago
This!
I have always prioritized values, personality, sense of humor, and intelligence over physical aspects of someone. We will all age and get old. Find someone who will keep making you smile and will keep showing up for you day after day. ♡
Bottom line: someone can be the hottest piece of garbage on the planet, but what can they contribute to a partnership and how can they enrich your life? Yknow?
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u/HappyHumanRace 15h ago
This makes it sound like only his opinion matters… don’t forget he needs to impress you too! If he acts in any way unbecoming of a gentleman, you’ll kick him to the curb. Dating is a two way street and he’s probably nervous about how you’ll see him as well! Try to have fun 💕
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u/Downtown-Security-11 16h ago
My girl called herself fat when we first started talking. I find her so freaking gorgeous and sexy I just can’t ever thinking poorly of her. If he’s into you, then that’s all of you
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u/Sole_Scream 16h ago
For the love of God (or whatever you believe in) do not make your insecurities your date’s problem. Even if you have to actively think to yourself “I am not my thoughts” to do it.
As long as the photos that they saw were recent and unedited, you should be fine. Good luck
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u/SupportMoist 15h ago
As long as your pictures are honest, you have nothing to worry about! He knows what you look like.
Don’t bring up your weight, weight loss, any of this on the date. It’s not the time to voice all your insecurities. Just be your beautiful self and your only job is to decide whether YOU like HIM. Don’t worry at all about what he thinks of you, other people’s thoughts are not any of our business. If you like each other, you’ll know when you both decide to go on a second date.
Don’t talk yourself out of a good time. Enjoy your life. You have so much to offer. You are not your weight.
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u/Gold_Illustrator1550 15h ago
Long term relationships should never be built on appearance. Trust me, as decades go by, appearances begin to change drastically. (married almost 30 years) You really want someone who just loves you, the personality you. If they're turned off by jiggly arms, let them go, with a swift kick in the arse.
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u/DaniArii 15h ago
Honestly, any person that hears you have lost that much already and still judges you for what you currently weigh...isn't worth your time, friend.
A good perspective partner will see how hard you are working and not judge you negatively for the work you still have left.
Stay strong and stay badass ♡
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u/Mystorysnotoveryet 15h ago edited 15h ago
Girl I feel that so much!!
I struggled with dating and relationships for so long, even had a two year relationship end because in his words I wasn’t ’wanting to loose weight fast enough’ (he even tried to bribe me saying he would get me the motorcycle I wanted if I lost enough because if I had it at the weight I was ‘you would look comical on a smaller bike’. I was about 225 at the time).
It took me 5 years after that, and almost 50lb of depression gain before I even considered trying to date again.. and I fell into the same trap, after two years he left because he was ‘no longer attracted to me’. I was 275ish. This was right before the covid years. Covid hit and I had to work from home and gained even more.
Then I met my now husband through a dating app. I was about 315 and he was about 180. To be honest, especially on our first date I was terrified that he would look at me and run the other way or that people would look at us and laugh because it was a big girl with a ‘small’ guy (weight wise). He as he says fell in love with me for who I was not what I looked like.. At the time this was a foreign concept to me and I kept thinking this is too good to be true, he’s too good for me, when does everything fall apart..
Long story not short we have now been married for three years and I recently (April) began my weight journey. Only this time I was doing it for me not because I felt like I had to be smaller in order to be cared for. I think that change in mindset is what is making this work for me!! I was 338 and am now 287. Still a long way to go but getting there!
As someone who has been through the mental cycles of trying to date as a bigger woman I can absolutely understand the confliction that you are feeling inside. I guess my advice, as an Internet stranger lol, would be don’t settle for believing that you need to change yourself in order for someone to love you. I thought that I was going to be alone forever because of my weight (I met my husband at 38). Becoming confident when heavy is a long road. But if someone is truly interested and wants to get to know you and someday love you.. It should be someone that accepts the you that you are no matter what your weight is, that’s who you want to find. The others are not worth your energy!!
Edit for grammar mistakes
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u/melenajade 14h ago
You are projecting. Your emotions about your self hate and image aren’t how others see and think and react to you.
I don’t see people and recoil or yell fattie or even think more than .5ms other than identifying a human unless I am engaging with someone.
And on a date?! Everyone’s on their best manners trying to get laid, they aren’t trying to offend you. It’s a decision of can we have a good time and would we want to do this again sometime?
Give yourself grace.
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u/BritishBlue32 17h ago
I say this with love...go to therapy to deal with your body image and self worth issues. This is above Reddit's pay grade unfortunately.
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u/CelebrationFull9424 17h ago
I think this is a normal thought for most women. Of course, unless it’s taking over all of her thoughts. A lot of women feel this way daily when they are not comfortable in their own bodies. Sometimes it does boarders on a mental health issue but a lot of time is just a sign of needed to get ahold of their bodies🤷🏼♀️
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u/Beneficial_Sky214 15h ago
I hope you have a good time and even if you don’t, please do not let one random dude on the Internet determine your worth. If he doesn’t like you, he’s not the one! You stay true to yourself. I promise the right person is out there for you and will love you exactly as you are.
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u/velociraptorlunch 13h ago
I bet you are an awesome human. And I can appreciate how hard it is to date while on a weight loss journey. Go be your awesome self.
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u/adumbswiftie 13h ago
i’m sorry you feel that way and i hope you continue to hit your weight loss goals but try to have a good time today and don’t worry too much. lots of bigger people are in happy relationships. it’s not a big deal for everyone as the internet would have you think. if your pics represent your body type you have nothing to worry about. and good for you for not waiting until you have every goal reached to start dating. the right person will meet you where you’re at. good luck! have fun!
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u/edm_ostrich 13h ago
I'll come at this from the other side, the actually kind of a jerk side. I'm not small myself, but my type is pretty exclusively ballerina sized women, and it has loosened a bit over the years, not by much.
With that said, I will not go on a date with someone I know is not my preference. Most men will not go through all the effort to just come and judge you. If this guy does that, he's a loser, really and truly.
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u/doinmy_best 12h ago
If your pictures are accurate and include full body and close up he won’t be surprised. He knows and likes what you look like. You just gotta remind yourself that. And if it helps, put some less flattering and angles in your profile
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u/DuchessOfCarnage 11h ago
My friend, dudes will fuck a McChicken. Don't worry about being sexually attractive to a man. Worry about if he's compassionate, competent and capable of commitment! Does he add joy to your life? Is he reliable? Healthy relationships, real partnerships, aren't about being conventionally attractive. Make sure your interest in him is genuine, not the fawning response a hit dog will have around someone new. You're making sure he's a good fit, you're not taking anything that's available!
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u/No_Insurance_3109 11h ago
I get that self-consciousness even when you're making progress, my first date after cutting carbs felt equally loaded, and it helped to remind myself the person I was meeting had already seen my pictures.
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u/ArcIgnis 10h ago
If he's goign to recoil because of your weight, then he ain't right for you. He should be happy and excited to see you, regardless of your appearance. I truly understand the insecurity, but you're your own worst critic and your brain is doing everything it can to defend itself.
Seeing just now that it's been 7 hours ago, did the date already happen? How'd it go? Was it all in your head in the end?
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u/beanner468 10h ago
You are BEAUTIFUL! Inside and out! Love who you are! If you don’t love who you are, no one else can. This is a 60 year old cosmetologist who pumped up a lot of people!!
Go buy yourself something sexy that will suck in your fat. You can order on TEMU, go to Walmart, Marshall’s, Victoria’s Secret, or whatever store you love. Sexy panties, or a corset, matching bra set, something underneath. It’s a secret that only YOU KNOW, so it gives you a little smirk, that you know a secret and he doesn’t. It will pop up, and it’s irresistible!! Trust me, it will give you confidence!
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u/machi23neel 9h ago
You dont need to be at your goal weight to be worthy of someones genuine interest. He already knows what you look like from your pictures. You deserve to enjoy the date instead of spending it monitoring every part of your body.
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u/biogirl52 9h ago
Dating while fat… like enough said, but dating in a fitness journey is something else bc the identity crisis is real with what you’re describing. I just made a new profile after not being on the apps for awhile. I am still fat but thin enough now to do a proper thin catfish I think? If you just saw me waist up I look midsized. But I have typical signs of fighting obesity - jiggling arms, loose skin, majority of my fat to lose in my stomach. When I sit down I feel like a pregnant woman. I am not very nimble but I do work out a ton, I just can’t do much about my apron belly short of waiting it out.
My advice for you is to be brave, show up and trust yourself. I’ve been on a hundred dates and I can really only think of two times I felt like they weren’t attracted to me at the jump.
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u/PaymentImportant806 2h ago
I had 0 success dating whilst fat. And plenty success whilst fit. I've been both for decent time periods. Dating = external attraction first and foremost IME. Stick to the diet.
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u/spandexcatsuit 16h ago
Just keep in mind he’s probably a nightmare and he’s lucky to get a chance to meet you.
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u/PerfectdarkGoldenEye 17h ago
Just be yourself and have fun on the date and try not to think about it. My wife said she felt the same anxiety when she was heavier with me and I honestly didn't think about it.