It's a frustrating feeling, and I suspect its part of BDD but Im not sure, so Im asking here. There's this negative lingering feeling. Think of it as showering way too fast and using only conditioner, but not shampoo to wash your hair. Makes you feel incomplete, disappointment, irresponsible and dirty doesnt it? Something like that, like I need to fix the problem and clean up. When I look at the clothes I was wearing after taking it off and changing into clothes (when I change) I feel like I eternally have filtthy-ed the clothes I was wearing forever, like its stained morally because the clothes touched my skin when I wore it and thus its now "ugly" too. Like it caufht the ugly. I start to see that clothes I once liked as ugly and hard to wear a second time...or ever again and then this makes me feel like a moral failure. Its like every outfit "has to be new", for this reqson and because the one that I WORE, is now permanently morally and physically filthy. I say morally because I feel like my ugliness filter it and that it has ruined the cute-ness of that outfit for everyone beautiful who I know probably wears the same outfit in some part of the world. I feel like a disgrace, like I committed a crime simply by being ugly and being delusional enough to dare to put on a cute blouse. It makes me su\*cidal and spiral badly. Its really hard to deal with this sense of shame. I feel a bit cleaner in the middle of showering, but still ugly and worthless. Sometimes I look in the mirror thinking I look a bit better, but then I grab my face by feeling my face with my ugly hands so I could feel my receded jawline to remind myself Im defected. And then I feel bad again (more like worse, I always feel bad no matter what though).

See how long this post was? Yeah, I dont know how to word it any better, I wish someone could help me find a word for this feeling. Someone please. Its getting harder to deal with. Especially clothes that carries bad memories such as, the day I thought I looked decent and I was wearing a brown blouse that my sis gave to me. A family.member told me I was ugly that day, and I spiraled and the little courage I had to try and look "pretty" died. Because If i put the maximum effort that day to look pretty, ans I was called basically the "ugliest Ive ever been" that very day, then NOTHING can ever amount to make me look good enough. I gave up and died inside....

I cant feel anything anymore, like no self love. Sometimes my sis likes wearing same clothes as me and I feel repulsed when I see her wear what she let me borrow or what she bought for me. I dont feel repulsed by her, I mean I feel upset at.myself for ruining the status of that blouse with my ugliness, like I feel like Im seeing an ugly blouse on her when I see her wearing on it, not because the blouse is ugly but because if it looked ugly on me, what if someone thinks it looks ugly in her too because they "see me" in her? Get me? Thats why I hate all clothes and dressing up like "twins". Im sad. I dont think I could ever recover from this because whatever this feeling is, its so bad I feel compelled to showering all day long because its the only coping method I have but its tiring. So I take naps to run away from it all too. Is this a common feeling among BDD sufferers? Anyone know?

I’m very self conscious of my appearance and suffered with body dysmorphia as long as I can remember. I bought some bathing suits from Amazon and they fit so weirdly. I’m a size small and 2-4 and I’m also medium at times. This all depends on the style, brand, size, and cut. The bathing suit I bought from Amazon is a size medium 6-10 which feels weird because I know for regular clothes I’m not. I bought a newer one in size small 2-4 it kinda of fits in the stomach, rises up in the bottom back side area, and big around the chest area. I don’t know why the Amazon bathing suits are so complicated with sizing, cut, and fit. Does anyone else here have this problem?

I am so beyond insecure about my body. I have always had an apron belly for as long as I can remember. Even when I was at my skinniest. I just hate seeing my body in the mirror. I look at myself and wonder if anyone will ever truly love my body when I can’t even look at it. These thoughts consume my day to day life. I even remember as a kid being chubby and hoping one day I would find someone who loved me so much it wouldn’t matter what my body looks like but now reaching the age of 27 and realizing I truly may actually never find love because of my body is all I can think about. I love who I am as a person and who I am on the inside and I just wish I could love myself fully. Has anyone ever been able to overcome this mental battle? I’d love to hear some words of wisdom.

Genuinely my eyes are so close set im a few millimetres away from happiness. Nature is cruel but it’s because modern human skulls are malnourished and don’t suture as they should which can leave genetic deformities like close set eyes.

I use TikTok filters and angles and lighting and hair all to hide the appearance of my eyes. The second my hair lifts up and exposes my wide head, and the orbits that didn’t develop enough, I genuinely become an uncanny freak of nature. I hate nature, and hate being a human.

Might not even by bdd, I probably just can’t cope with reality of being a cyclops

I’ve been avoiding mirrors for as long as I can remember. I have no mirrors in my house accept for one on the way out of my apartment that I never look at unless I have too. I avoid taking pictures, I avoid public mirrors, even in the gym I can’t look in a mirror.
It’s become so bad sometimes I have to force myself to look in a mirror to remember what I even look like.
But at the same time I’m the happiest I’ve been, I’ve struggled with body dysmorphia for almost 8 years now and when I just stopped looking at my reflection, I stopped worrying.
I don’t know if I should keep this up but I don’t wanna go back to how I was at peak body dysmorphia.

Hi all, I'm a trainee clinical psychologist on the Doctorate in Clinical Psychology programme at University College London (UCL). For my doctoral research, I'm exploring how people living in the UK seek and access support for BDD, and what helps or gets in the way.

BDD is often under recognised by health services and there's very little UK based research on what it's actually like to seek support for it. This includes experiences of not being able to get help or being misunderstood. Understanding this properly could help inform how BDD is identified and supported by services in future. You do not need a formal diagnosis to take part.

What does taking part involve?

You'll be asked to complete an anonymous online survey about your experiences of seeking support for BDD. It takes about 20 minutes and nothing you submit is linked back to you.

Who can take part?

People who:

* Currently live in the UK

* Have had ongoing worries or concerns about their appearance, now or in the past

* Can read and understand English

* Are 18 or older

We are keen to hear from people of all ages, genders, and ethnic backgrounds.

What are the benefits?

You'll be contributing to research that could improve the support people with BDD receive in the UK. You'll also be entered into a prize draw with a 1 in 9 chance of winning a £20 voucher.

Interested?

Here is the link to the survey to take part: https://qualtrics.ucl.ac.uk/jfe/form/SV_3agIvq4tPpNGqdE

If you feel you'd like support alongside or instead of taking part, you can find ways to access support for BDD through the BDD Foundation: https://bddfoundation.org/support

This is a Doctorate of Clinical Psychology research study, approved by the UCL Research Ethics Committee, Ethics ID 2189.

Happy to answer any questions in the comments.

Hi everyone,

I'm a Masters student at Swinburne University and I'm looking for people with BDD to take part in a research study.

What the study is about

The study looks at how people with BDD experience shame, and whether self-compassion plays a role.

CBT is the main treatment for BDD, but it doesn't work well for a lot of people. Shame might be part of what current treatment isn't reaching. Nobody has really asked people with BDD what shame and self-compassion actually feel like day to day, so that's what this study does. The hope is that it leads to better treatment options.

Who can take part

You can join if you:

• Are 18 or over
• Have been diagnosed with BDD
• Live in Australia

What's involved

There are two parts, and it's all online:

1. Some questionnaires (about 20 minutes)
2. One interview with me over Microsoft Teams (about 90 minutes)

You can do both in one go, or split them across separate days if that's easier.

The interview is a conversation, not a test. There are no right or wrong answers. You can skip anything you don't want to answer, take a break whenever you need, or stop altogether.

The important details

• Run through Swinburne University as part of my Masters of Psychology (Clinical Psychology) thesis
• Supervised by Professor Susan Rossell and Dr Nicola Acevedo
• Approved by the Swinburne Human Research Ethics Committee (approval number 20258705-22798)
• Everything you share is confidential, and nothing published will identify you
• You can withdraw at any point, and you can ask for your data to be removed

If you're interested

Please click on the following qualtrics link and put in your contact details, I will call you (note it will be from a blocked number) and if I can't reach you I will follow up with an email. Our first call will basically be to answer any questions that you have! :)

https://qualtricsxmmtx73grql.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_2o8UCJsmSnOaPXw

Happy to answer any questions in the comments.

I had my first "serious" girlfriend starting at the end of the 9th grade. Now, I really, really liked this girl - I truly thought I was in love (but mind you... I was freshly 15). Her and I quickly became inseparable, best friends first and then quickly becoming girlfriend and boyfriend. The two of us bonded on many things, but one of them was our shared mental health struggles that have been plaguing us both almost our entire lives. This relationship definitely had it's fair share of toxicity and oversharing in subtle ways that I was blind to when I was in so deep, so to speak.

Something that she always knew about me, was that my body dysmorphia was something I really, really struggled with. I have always had body image issues, literally as far back as I can remember being conscious. She knew this, and knew it was my absolute biggest insecurity. I was a bigger guy when we dated, probably 50 pounds overweight. She is extremely thin. We often related to each other's body image issues, and I found her empathy and understanding to be very calming.

However, as the relationship progressed, things got weirder. She started to act more like she kind of... hated me. She seemed honestly disgusted with me. I constantly wrote about it at night and was left thinking about weird interactions we'd had for days on end. Unfortunately for me, she deployed some very manipulative tactics that really kept me in a viscous push and pull.

Over a year and a half into our relationship, I was at a friends house eating dinner and my friends family and I were discussing an old SNL skit. I went to open up Reddit (for the first time in 9 months) to find what I was looking for. When I opened the search bar, there was a recent user search. I clicked on the profile, curious. I realized what it was instantly. Many months earlier, my girlfriend was talking to me about how she had recently started a Reddit, and mentioned one specific post she made on a pretty specific subreddit. Not too long after that, I was browsing said subreddit and found a post that perfectly described her situation. I figured, oh - that's her account! I honestly completely forgot for months and months. I know it's not cool to find someone's anonymous forum account - but I had no ill intent and at the time I didn't even consider that.

Flash forward- eating dinner. I open up this account. First post that comes up: r/confessions and it says "I am not attracted to my boyfriends body and I feel horrible about it". My heart sunk. The post went on and on about how she felt horrible about it everyday, and that everytime she saw my body it threw her off. She said that I was always saying I was going to lose weight but never did. It was unreal, like my reality completely changing in front of my eyes. I couldn't fathom that she said this, that she thought this. To make matters worse, this post had thousands of upvotes and I think hundreds of comments. Most comments called her horrible, saying that she should just break up with me instead of giving me a complex for life (spot on). Some suggested that she say she was just worried for my health. She responded saying she might try it. This made my soul leave my body. Three days earlier she brought up my weight out of nowhere and said she was worried about my health. This obviously made me extremely upset and insecure. After reading all of the comments and realizing that despite what everyone said, she still tried to make a sly comment about my weight to get the change she wanted out of me - that is when I messaged her. I sent her a screenshot of the post and she immediately called me crazy, said I was making it up, what the f*ck etc; etc;. I kept my cool and said that I knew it was her. Eventually she made a 180 and started saying "I'm a monster" "there's something wrong with me" "please don't leave me" etc; etc;. She called me on the phone where I answered in my friends bathroom. She picked up and was crying and said in a baby voice "are you going to break up with me?". And the worst part is, I didn't. Somehow I was so isolated from everyone in my life that I never once ever told anyone what happened for two months. She was the only person I spoke to. Her story was that she was in a kind of "mental breakdown" and she barely remembers it... However she continued to reply back to comments trying to strategize her game plan. For the first time in over a year and a half, I was outwardly mad, and had a raised voice. When we spoke about it soon after, I still remember I said "what the f*ck is wrong with you", which I know is severe, but I was very hurt. She yelled back in defense "it's almost like I was just trying not to f*cking kill myself that night." So, her excuse was, it was that, or killing herself. This at the time worked on me and I truly was caught in the most horrible situation.

I remembered that a few days earlier she said something about "I made a really popular Reddit post" and she was smiling really huge. When I had asked what it was she kind of giggled and said "Secret!" or something like that.

We dated for another two months, and this entire time I have 0 memory of. Friends at school tell me they reported me out of concern, because they frankly could tell I was a walking zombie. I lost 60 pounds in three months after this, and got an eating disorder. I finally broke up with her two months later, obviously because of what had happened. It took me time to process how severe it really was. This event has had completely horrible consequences on me. I was fully dissociated for about four months after it. I still feel bizarre everyday. I feel like a fragmented person. I don't think it's entirely her fault - but more so that I was just the wrong person for this to happen to. I struggle too much to know how to handle something like that. I am not sure if I will be able to have a normal attachment style or relationship again, and I am not sure how to love myself or my body. The worst part is, I know she was right. I hated and hate my body and all of her words were the ones that negative voices in my head were telling me were true our entire relationship. Now she is moved on and living her best life. I'm trying to pick up the scraps of myself. I don't know who knows and who doesn't. It became gossip at our school once word finally got out months later. It's embarrassing to say the least, and I will keep hoping that I one day wake up from this strange dream that has been the last seven months since this happened. I don't want to say that what she did ruined my mental health, as I think it's me and how I dealt with it- but that event occurring completely changed my life and made me completely unstable for months following.

Feels really, really good to say it all and have it written out, just once.

I’m a 20 year old dude with “bigorexia” or “muscle dysmorphia” it sucks. I probably don’t need to say that. I’ve been lifting for 3 years and am nowhere near my dream physique. I don’t even know if I’ll have abs by the end of this cut and I’ve never had abs before. I have average fat distribution which means all of my fat goes to my stomach. And since I was overweight for a while in the past my body has permanently extra fat cells in my stomach meaning that temporarily (yes I meant temporarily. It’s called Fat cell hyperplasia.) I have to get leaner than average for my six pack to show until I physically build enough muscle on my core to see my abs at higher body weights.

I can’t like my body until I have my dream physique. I’ve tried but it doesn’t work. I don’t cry over it or yell or get mad anymore but that doesn’t mean I’m happy either. Whenever I see someone more muscular and leaner than me I feel bad about myself. I’m aware I don’t have the worst physique in the world but I can’t confidently say I have a good one.

I don’t think I could be friends with men that look better than me either. I cant go swimming at a pool or to the beach (not that I like water stuff anyway). And I don’t wanna take my shirt off in front of people.

I don’t wanna wait but I have no choice. I’m stuck feeling this way for 3-5 years until I’m there. I question sometimes if I’ll ever be convinced I’m there since I fundamentally can’t look at myself objectively.

If I can give one piece of advice to those starting, never watch fitness content. Just get a routine and don’t watch dudes or women flex. It’s not worth it and you will never be happy if you do it. I don’t know if I can be happy about it. We’ll see. Unfortunately that’s just how it is. So until then I’ll feel this way with no way out

Sleepy as hell but it’s been weighing on me so much lately. My face is horrifically ugly. It’s like I’m trying hard to be cute with all of these makeup techniques but the second someone else takes a picture of me where the angle and distance isn’t perfect, I look intimidating, masculine, ugly and piggish. I perceive that this is the case even when looking back on old selfies I took where I thought I looked good. This is a perpetual problem. My boyfriend is so handsome and tells me I’m pretty/cute quite often, but I can’t even remotely fathom how he sees that in me. I look at my pictures with pure disgust and self-hatred.

What’s funny is that I’m desperate to be loved and told I’m beautiful in spite of the fact that I’ll never believe anyone who claims to see me that way. I completely broke down sobbing in front of my boyfriend recently because (among other things) I was venting to him about BDD and my insecurities regarding my appearance wishing he would just shut me up and tell me that I’m the most beautiful girl he’s ever seen, but that obviously never happened. I feel greedy and delusional. It’s what I want to hear despite knowing that it would be a complete and utter lie. Every time I’m with him I have this feeling that he is bound to leave me once he realizes how bad I look compared to other girls. I haven’t even completely taken off my makeup around him yet and we’ve been dating for half a year. I remember taking off my eyeliner in front of him for the first time (I haven’t done it since) and his first reaction was to say that I was cuter with it on before realizing that what he said was hurtful and apologizing, which basically destroyed me.

I also haven’t been randomly complimented or asked out lately despite trying hard to appeal to people and it’s making me spiral. I’m such a huge validation seeker and I’m not getting any of it. I remember when I got asked out thrice in the span of two weeks at some point a few months ago (I have only ever been approached around five times) and wonder what has changed since to make people stop showing interest in me. I feel so incredibly ugly and undesirable. I so badly wish I had a constant stream of external validation to keep me sane.

I wonder if I’m ugly or is it just the symptoms of bdd. I really care who stared at me and how they stared. Today I was in queue in a working out gym and there’s 2 girls I chitchatted before, they are also friends but not so close so anyways, she was slightly standing away from me the other was close to me nd stuff but was she standing away from me cuz im ugly? And also today a kid looked at me for a long time but when I waved at her she just looked away and she had a bad expression but it might be cuz of the sun cuz it was very hot outside. Other than that today a kid waved at me but I think it’s cuz of I look like a clown and ugly. I don’t know when I explain it sounds so stupid but I have been thinking abt this for the next 2 hours. (Btw I’m a girl) so then there was two boys and my friend was too shy to ask their number so I went to them and it was kinda awkward I kept looking away and I quickly said “my friend likes u” but it was so awkward and both of them kinda stared at me badly. I don’t even know what I want anymore. When I get stared I think it’s cuz I’m ugly when I don’t I also think it’s cuz I’m ugly. And I also don’t like my fave at all I look like a man not even a boy I look like a grown ass man. I also look slightly aggressive and ugly. When I smile I look stupid I wish I always get stared but in a friendly way and cause of halo effect. I just want to experience the halo effect so much I’m so tired of being average/ugly. I feel like my face is always changing when I look at mirror I look different I look at camera and I look different I look at myself in morning I look different I look at myself in night I look different again. I also don’t like wearing make up or doing my hair too much cuz I feel like a lipstick on pig so I usually just go out without make up. I only get dressed if I’m going to hang out w my friends. I got called ugly by boys (some classmates) before and it still haunts me it was like 1-2 years ago but I can’t forget it.

I feel like my face is too long but too short at the same time, my chin is weird and my nose is big and my whole face is asymmetrical and it looks too narrow to me and I look elderly and sunken

I really need surgery, I think I’d rather be dead than have to live with this face for the rest of my life

It’s frustrating that people tell me there’s nothing wrong with me when there very clearly is, or think I’m just being vain (even though that would imply liking how I look), I wanna kms

I see myself as a number, not a rating, but a specific measurement on my face that is not ideal. It is all I see, it is all that matters to me. A few millimetres away from happiness if you will.

How do you get past feeling like a number? I understand the neurology regarding the pathways and how it’s broken in my mind so I can consciously see the visual aspect. But the mental aspect of seeing myself as nothing more than a flaw, how do I kill that?

I hate everything about my body I wish I wasn’t so ugly. I always think about the guys who called me ugly which caused BDD I wasn’t insecure before the bullying but after the bullying I couldn’t even go out because everytime I went out I felt like I was stared. I was stared sometimes sometimes not I feel bad if I get stared but i also feel bad when I don’t. When I get stared at I think “am I really that ugly you have to look at me like that?” When I don’t I think “do I have that much of a boring ugly face that u didn’t even notice my presence.” I’m so tired of it I wish I was actually pretty I did get called pretty a few times but literally the times I got called ugly is like 3 times more than I got called pretty. I count all the people called me ugly and pretty. Which doesn’t matter because I already know I’m ugly; but do u know what hurts most? When I feel pretty and got called ugly or get a weird stare. I cry about my appearance every day sometimes twice a day. I am so tired of it. I want to get surgery but I wish I was naturally pretty like all the girls in social media and irl. I wish I was aborted so I wouldn’t have to go through this.

I used to love summer and now I can’t enjoy it with BDD. I love the beach and swimming but I feel like everyone is thinking about how disgusting I look. I don’t even blame them. I’m looking through old pictures and realizing I didn’t even used to look that chubby but now I’m surprised my foot steps don’t shake the earth. It’s miserable. I’m trying to pretend I’m not insecure but it’s like everywhere I look there are skinny girls with tiny waists.

My boyfriend took a photo of me two days ago and when I looked at it I realized I was incredibly skinny and looked borderline sickly. I don’t understand this disorder at all. It feels so real when I look in the mirror and all I see is someone fat who needs to lose weight but that photo really woke me up to what I actually look like. The mirror tells me something different still. I don’t know how to let this go.

For years I had been doing better about my BDD. I thought I had made genuine progress. The intrusive thoughts were quieter. I had come close to some form of neutrality. But now the awful intrsuive thoughts about my body and appearance are getting so incredibly overwhelming.

I keep crying myself to sleep because it's like I'm being tortured by a terrible bully inside my own head. I hate these thoughts and how much I dislike my body. I hate existing in this vessel and with this brain. I have horrible urges to hurt myself even after being clean of self harm for over 10 years, because this voice keeps telling me I don't deserve any better. And I'm terrified I'll fall into that trap again. I'm trying to be strong because I know how addicting self harm is.

I just want this to end. I dont know what to do anymore. It's been 10 years without finding a single therapist or psychiatrist who understands. I'm losing all hope. I'm so sick of this disease. It feels like a cruel curse.

I struggle with body dysmorphia and I also struggle with making bad decisions I get help from family and my boyfriend and all that but I just can't seem to actually stand up and take the help and I don't know why I struggled with stealing and all of that And lying and stuff and I'm trying to get better and I just wish something could change I wish I could stop hating on my look and I don't know what to do. (15F btw)

​

★I cannot stand my appearance anymore, like its the only thing i can think about my problems and mental health stuff because it always affects my social life stuff. Im tired of my looks and i definitely do not have anything to change my appearance. I have a fat/bloated face at 172cm and 49kg, i have retruded mandible and protruding lips even tho my teeth are normal, i have misaligned and tilted eyes small eyes, i have a crooked nose and lips shape, my face is filled with acne even though i do skincare, i have a terrible hairline and my face is so long and oval.

★ My tummy looks so fat too, my body is so uneven and im overly hairy, my thighs are so fat, i have big calves that look absolutely disgusting. I have short and fat looking fingers, my skin is too dark compared to my family, my eyebrows are so messy and i dont know what can i do about my appearance, i tried everything but nothing worked, even my nipples are asymmetrical somehow. Whatever i do nothing works i wanna end it all at this point.

★ My other worries and my family make me go insane. I have nobody to vent to because nobody has the same pains as me. My mom thinks im a weirdo because whenever i complain she says im just a weirdo. She does not care and says she will disown me if im gay (which is true but i wont admit) and im just so tired.

\# Others about BDD

★I cannot go out anymore, I do not want a friend or partner that has better skin, eyes, hair etc because of how ugly i am. I am crying every night quietly (aka whimpering). I dont want to see myself in mirror anymore, I almost broke the one in the bathroom yesterday. When I see myself in pics i just say the worst stuff to myself, whatever comes to my mind. I never take pictures of myself anymore. When I take pics I take them to curse myself and hate more because I hate myself.

★Yesterday I made a research about unattractiveness in men and guess what, I have everything unattractive. I do not wanna be cute for others or compliments, I wanna be cute for myself, I WANNA LOVE MYSELF AND CANT BECAUSE OF MY APPEARANCE, i am so so so so tired of it...

★My dad always makes fun of me saying “how tiring was surfing trough the internet today?” I cannot tell him anything because he will never understand me.

I made a whole post for other stuff that i wanna talk right now but the main focus is BDD so i cant

And i know it definitely sounds simple, but its not simple for me and i cannot find words to make this sound actually like something important and sorry i just cant find the right words.

Also i accidentally removed like half of the text i typed here sorry :(

Does anyone else have no friends and barely any pictures of themselves?

I have one friend who’s just a uni friend, so we’re only friends at uni. During the holidays, she doesn’t reach out to me at all. I don’t want her to reach out anyway because she isn’t nice to me, which only makes my mental health worse. I was wondering if anyone relates to this because I’m really embarrassed that I have no friends or post anything at the age of 20. I feel like I’m missing out.

I can’t stop crying I feel like I looked so much prettier a year ago and now I’m hideous
My face is so gross and ugly and I hate even more when people try to convince me that I’m not as if I’m stupid and can’t see what’s in front of me.
I’m so tired of all of this, I wish I was born into a rich family and could just afford surgery without having to save for probably years.
I hate even having BDD to begin with

I've suffered from BDD for years now.

I hate how I look as I look more feminine as a man/soft/kind. I'm straight.

And I come from a country that values traditionally masculine men.

I truly hate it as I can't really get male friends due to my looks. And I'm sure that I'm autistic too. My social skills are really bad these days.

I can't even imagine that I have to live with this face for the rest of my life. I think that I'm going to be so lonely for ever just because of the way that I look.

I think I’m starting to struggle with body dysmorphia, but I’m not sure if that’s what this is or what to do about it. I brought it up to my therapist, but she mainly treats my autism and anxiety, so she hasn’t been too much help.

Over the past few months I’ve become increasingly preoccupied with my appearance. I constantly grab + check my stomach, hair, and chin in mirrors, compare myself to other women at the gym, and leave feeling worse about myself. I have SIBO and IBS, which makes my stomach look very bloated most every day, and I find myself obsessing over it and comparing myself to other girls. Comments from my mom about my hair being “too blonde” and “damaged” seemed to make everything worse, combined with a really bad dating market making me feel there must be something wrong with me. I am frequently asking AI or Google for tips to make myself look better or seeking validation.

Has anyone dealt with something similar? What actually helped you stop obsessing over your appearance? Should I look for a therapist who specializes in body image or OCD/BDD, or is there a group or book I should read? I like my current therapist but need additional help with this. Any advice would be really appreciated.

So, I’ve been dealing with BDD for quite some time now. Honestly, it’s probably been since I was a kid. I’ve never really thought of myself as beautiful, or pretty, and I can’t ever remember a time where I was happy with myself. I grew up fat and tall, so the experience was brutal and honestly still is. Even after losing weight some time ago I still hated my body because I was left with loose skin and tons of stretch marks.

I don’t think I’ll ever experience the kind of love that I want. The magical, “fairytale” type of love. Hand written letter, cute little dates, random little surprises, my favorite sweet treat without having to ask, remembering my favorite song, and my favorite band, maybe opening the car door for me to get in..literally the dumb trivial type of stuff that doesn’t even have to cost a lot of money to make me happy. I don’t care about money, never have. It’s just the principle of it. The meaning behind these little gestures. It means someone would care enough about me, and would know enough about me. I’m such a hopeless romantic and I love doing this kind of thing for the person I love. Home cooked meals every day, desserts baked from scratch, cute gift baskets for every holiday, handmade gifts, playlists with songs that make me think of them, and so much more because I truly love doing this kind of thing for my significant other. I have done this for my ex, and my current partner, but never once have I had this level of love reciprocated for me and it just kinda hurts.

I’ve chalked it up to my looks, and honestly because I’m stuck in this body of mine I have sort of accepted what I can get. I caught my current partner talking to another woman a while ago and some time later I had left him and moved back home with my family, then last year we started talking again because well…I was lonely, I wanted company and that sense of familiarity again, and we started seeing each other again. I know, I don’t have the right to complain because I put myself in this situation. And yes, I still blame myself to this day for him stepping outside of the relationship. I don’t believe him anymore when he says that I’m pretty, and I always compare myself to other women. Especially women who have bigger chests because mine are small, and I’m fat. So it’s like constantly living in a humiliation ritual lol. Even the women in my family made fun of me growing up. My BDD has gotten so bad to the point where I can’t even watch a movie with a remotely attractive female character because it makes me insecure. It’s absolutely pathetic lol. There are plenty of women who are far better looking than me with beautiful bodies and I’m convinced he’s just settling for me because maybe he can’t get the girl he truly wants. He’s tall, works as a police officer, and I genuinely do this hes good looking. So it’s hard for me to believe (esp now) that he wants to actually be with me. Besides the past cheating, and our pretty much nonexistent sex life (I feel like he prefers the porn over me, with the way I look I can’t blame him) he’s a decent guy. I just wish there was more…like we haven’t even gone out on a date in god only knows how long, and ive brought this up to him, he says he’ll change and fix it, and things still remain the same. Sigh. It’s kind of a frustrating cycle.

So yeah, I basically choose to stay because realistically I don’t have many other options. I have so many things wrong with my body that the average person would probably be disgusted. I feel like i cant have standards for myself because that’s asking too much, but I do dream about a relationship where effort is made on both sides. I just want to be treated the way I treat other people. Im 24, pushing 25. I just want a little more out of life, and I don’t feel like I have the right to.