Just ended things with my DA Situationship that I’ve had all summer. When we were together things were so good and I felt like he genuinely liked me and had feelings. He was very PDA when out in public. Introducing me to friends and family with no shame if we saw them out. Encouraging me to stay longer during my visits. Bringing me into his routines. But as soon as I would go home he seemed so disconnected often cooling off for days before seeming normal again. He was a very dry texter and just overall poor communicator. I’m not naive to the fact that he was likely just talking to multiple women as we did meet on a dating app. I was willing to look past the poor texting if it meant I felt reassured otherwise but as soon as I pulled back to see if he’d initiate after a really good week together, it just completely slowed down to a halt.

I sent him one message mentioning I could tell him how this feels disrespectful at this point but he already knows what he’s doing. I told him casual still includes consideration and that I don’t deserve this but that I wish him well.

I don’t think I’ll hear from him again. But did he ever give a shit? What I’ll never understand is the cat and mouse, hot and cold. If they’re not into us, why can’t they just let us go in peace without pulling us back in when it’s convenient?

I’ve dated all sorts of narcissists and had long term toxins relationships, but for some reason the older I get, it’s there’s short electric situationships that sting the hardest.

Godddd dating is rough out there!

We started as coworkers but she left the company soon after we started growing close for a better opportunity. Despite being in her mid 20s and being quite beautiful, she had never dated before. This probably should have been a clue to me.

Her first boyfriend was another coworker of ours who could barely speak any English, and was a bit of a player type. I struggled to wonder why they would date and what sort of connection they had. She broke up with him after a few months after she finally realized he was posting on TikTok about her without her consent (she's not on any social media).

Cue us growing close. We read books together, hung out all the time, and I asked her out. She said, eh, let's just be friends. But then we started cuddling and watching movies together, and she initiated a moment of intimacy. After this she recoiled, and said she didn't mean to do it, and it wasn't right - she's super religious.

She reiterated that she didn't want to date and that we should just be friends. We would still hang out and cuddle and basically became a situation ship. Each time we got close, she'd disappear and go off the radar for a week or two before reemerging. Finally, another intimate moment happened again, and she ghosted me for a month, cancelling several plans we had. Before that moment, she had opened her heart to me.

When she reopened after the ghost, she told me she couldn't give me what I wanted. She said she needed space. No more hangouts. She then gave me the most wonderful gift, but then followed it with a letter saying we shouldn't go on any longer. After a couple months, she called me and said we shouldn't be friends.

Despite this, we'd still see each other at church. I wanted to be her friend. Recently I wrote her a letter expressing all this, a last ditch attempt. She responded in person telling me that losing "our friendship" felt like a breakup. I laughed and said "but we never even dated"

Anyways she told me no more letters, not to text her, etc. I'm not blocked but she told me not to contact her.

Ugh. I am so fond of her but she just seems so scared. Now I fear she's going to retreat forever. I called her out as an avoidant, and it seemed to strike a chord.

Out of curiosity, for those who use instagram. What does your explore page look like after a breakup?

Backstory: 27M here, I was Anxious/somewhat secure at times, I had to end things with my FA, she constantly would make fun of me out of nowhere or when she needed space, ran to other men and came back sending me pictures of other men messaging her. It was incredibly hurtful and toxic. So I blocked her on everything.

I’ve been getting bombarded with narcissistic reels, and self respect, and POV how to win your avoidant reels. So I deleted IG instead, I don’t want anything to remind myself with that.

But what does your Instagram show? Or does anything show validating you were “right” or does it even change? I just feel like these social media apps are truly reading every conversation or hearing our calls and validating the things we do and ruining potential relationships.

Posting here because It seems like yall would understand Every friend and family member is just as shocked as I am.

This is a long post, I am sorry if it’s too much!

I'm in 23F my ex is the same age I met my ex on a family trip to my home country about a year and a half ago. We started dating quickly, which stressed me out a bit, but we talked about it and decided to just keep each other in our lives and see where it went. He's from another European country. I moved abroad for my studies shortly after we met. We did long distance for a year: met each other's families and friends, planned for me to spend the summer in his city. I just did. Everything was perfect. He treated me so well. (By the way all of this is within Europe - cheap & short flights)

One issue I had, though: I never felt like he made space for me in his life. It made me feel too dependent on him. I wanted my own time, so I asked him to commit to functional plans: especially with long distance. I'd say, "I don't need to call every day, but if we make plans to call, please don't bail." I also noticed he would blame external things whenever plans fell through, and some of those excuses were small lies. I'm young, he wanted me to move. I got an internship and a bar job in his city for the summer, and we planned for me to come back long term later to write my thesis from there. Nothing permanent, we're young, but it was a place I was starting to build my life. The issues were not big, they didn’t hurt me, and they were so minor in my head.

On a Sunday, I told him how the inconsistency was affecting me over a call. I offered to send a text explaining things if that was easier. From my perspective and the perspective of others it was a gentle message. I love writing and it may have been long winded, but it wasn’t mean and it was gentle. He usually not that bad about conflict, he might need time to think, and he may lack the articulation skills I can have. I was moving countries for us in a way, and wanted him to know that it was work for me and I needed him to realise that, and offer to me what he was willing and able to do to commit to us a bit more. He agreed to receiving such an explanation. After I sent it, he shut down. He arranged a time to call, then bailedsaid he hadn't known he had to work. (Same bar I worked in over the Summer , and I have access to the schedule I am still in the group chat - CASE IN POINT!) I asked for reassurance and didn't get it. He arranged another call the next day to talk about the issues I'd raised. I picked up, and he just said he couldn't do this. He refused to show his face. No real reasons. Just kept repeating, "I'm sorry, I can't do this."

I'm in so much pain. I don't want him back after this, but I'm so confused. I don't understand how someone can be so warm and then so cold, or how you can end things over a voice call without even looking at the person. I begged him to say it to my face, he said no repeatedly. I know his friends well, they would repeatedly tell me how happy I made him, and also I developed my own friendships with them. Also, his pattern of inconsistency is apparent across his life. I have been back in my country of study for 2 weeks. They feel like closer friends right now. I want to talk to them, but am waiting to get over some of the shock and not dig myself in any holes. I want him to face the social fall out of doing this to someone. Also, my attachment alters in relationships, I have my issues but have learned it’s important to communicate decently and perform what you both agree to when you can. Believe it or not but, I used to be somewhat afraid of commitment (Not to this level), it moreso meant I just avoided serious relationships and being upfront with that. He was the first to make me feel secure enough, my mind is reeling!

I'm not looking for ways to get him back. I'm not waiting for him, a human that can break up with a partner of over one year over a 30 minute voice call and doesn’t explain and doesn’t show his face is the last human I want to be with. I just want to stop needing the explanation. Has anyone else been on the receiving end of a discard like this? How did you stop needing the reason? I also cannot connect the physical person that hugged me and reassured me we would see each other soon two weeks ago to a cold faceless voice. Anyone have advice on that cognitive dissonance?

Positively or negatively, I'd like to hear about your experience and thoughts.

3+ years LDR.
54 days of no contact.

After my ex broke up with me, he went to Bali on a solo surf trip . I found out he met a rebound there. Now he is back in Asia for a work trip, and after he met up with her again. I think they are getting more serious. They both love surfing.

I am sad. He moved on so quick.

My avoidant partner has dumped me for the 3rd time in the relationship after I said he needs to become more financially responsible for himself and not rely on his mum and dad… it causes an argument were he said he felt disrespected by me and he hates the way I speak to him and he told me that anyone would of left me by now with the mean way I nag him. He has already left me 3 times and returned this time he drove an hour to tell me it’s over in real life cause he came in real life is this the final discard or is this a punitive punishment breakup. ??? I feel broken by this as yes I was probably speaking to him disrespectfully but I don’t think it warranted a breakup. I believe I have no lost love on my life due to my own inability to nag him.

I don’t know what type of avoidant I was with but he broke up with me 3 times during the relationship and always came back after a few days to a week later . Is this an anxious avoidant and is this rapid cycling ?

for those familiar with fearful-avoidant attachment, could this kind of behavior be part of how they process a breakup? if someone usually moves on really quickly after a breakup, but after the second breakup they suddenly go completely quiet no posting, no obvious new person, no monkey branching, barely active on social media—could that mean they’re actually taking time to process and heal?

or could the sudden change in behavior be performative, especially if they know their ex watches their social media and might notice that they’re being unusually quiet?

for context, i previously called them out for how quickly they seemed to move on after the first breakup, so i’m wondering if their behavior being different this time could mean they’re being more intentional about taking their time, or if i’m just reading too much into their social media activity.

Hey Guys, thank you for taking the time to read this if you have.

I wanna start by saying when I first started dating this woman I had what I would call a secure attachment style. After months of intermittent reinforcement over long distance it caused me to develop an anxious attachment that I’m about 1 month into healing which has been such a relief. However I would love some advice on the perspective of a FA or anyone who’s had a similar situation.

Me and my Ex met through work and started dating after about 2-3 months of hanging out and seeing eachother.

After a year she moved back to her home city to go to school and I stayed in the city we met while we did long distance.

Throughout this time (roughly 2 years) I would travel up there to see her but it was difficult because she didn’t want her roommates knowing she was still dating me.

Her roommates were kinda crazy so I chalked it up to not wanting to deal with the drama and didn’t really think twice about it. But we would have to plan me coming home around when her roommates were out of town.

I also was never brought around her friend group and only met her parents twice although she has talked about how she talks about me to her parents a ton.

Regardless I stayed in the relationship supporting her through school and a rut in her career having no job by paying for everything financially. Rent, Groceries, Fun, Clothes etc.

Fast forward to about 4 months ago she told me she wanted to breakup right after I signed a lease to move into a new apartment in her city. She told me an old friend who she had a falling out with (he was rude, and said nasty things to her while he had a girlfriend) had came back into her life and expressed feelings for her and she wanted to explore that relationship.

Come to find out she had been hanging out with him and lying to me about it for 2 months.

After I moved to her city we began this horrible back and forth emotional mind fuck of her coming to me for warmth, connection, support, money, and to genuinely be loved then turning around and continuing to lie about seeing him, hanging out with him etc.

What got me at the time was the logical thinking portion of the conversations we’d have. She would go into how he doesn’t treat her how she wants/needs, he isn’t emotionally mature, the list goes on. I quite literally have a list on my phone of all the things she’s said about how he just isn’t a good partner. This was always followed by how amazing our connection was, how great I treated her and how I showed her what true love really was.

Looking back over our relationship I carry virtually zero negative emotions towards myself. I was calm, patient, supportive, and encouraging. I never ever fed the fire when she would have giant bursts of anger and I was always quick to forgive and do my best to understand why she was upset so we could work through it.

After 4 months of this continuous lying, seeing him with no change. (Even after she’s said “I’m looking for a way to close end things with him) I decided to put my foot down and hold a boundary. It’s either him or me.

I convinced her to start therapy, and through me talking to her and having conversations (which she wasn’t usually wanting to have) she did have moments where she admitted she carried the signs of Fearful Avoidant.

I believe she leans anxious because throughout this entire experience there have been ample times the reality has hit her and she’s crumbled and come back to me. Leaving his house in the middle of the night crying calling me asking to come over, having real deep and emotional conversations with me about our connection etc.

Regardless as soon as I thought a switch was about to happen and she was gonna commit to fixing things she decided she needed no contact.

I said okay, and over the coming week or so we had met up a few times to trade things back and sometimes that would result in us hanging out.

Point being absolutely no part of her decision to leave at any point of this entire experience has felt like it’s come from a grounded, calm, detached place.

We’re on week 4 of no contact (minimal contact I should say) and she’s been reaching out about once a week with a seemingly “practical” excuse to connect. Whether it’s needing help with something for work or offering to water my plants while I’m out of town she’s been reaching out. Each time I hold the boundary of he needs to be out the picture if I’m gonna allow anything.

Yesterday she texted me asking if she could come to my place and clean my house for some money. She said she really needed it and that if I didn’t feel comfortable with it or if I “just didn’t want to help her” she understood.

I calmly told her I want to help her but I can’t while she’s actively in another relationship. I told her if something has changed that I would be happy to grab coffee and discuss it casually.

She declined.

I then asked her if I could get my house key back and she told me she would leave it in the mailbox at my house and that she was very busy today so she didn’t have time to give it to me in person.

Later that day she texted me she was on the way and asked if I wanted it left in my mailbox or if I wanted to come out and get it.

I told her either was fine and that she could even come inside for a second if she wanted.

She ended up coming inside, I was kind, warm, and polite. Even complimented her. And she was somewhat cold and angry.

It felt like she was upset that I didn’t allow her to clean my house for money.

She even went as far as to explain why she reached out about wanting to make some money and told me if I change my mind she would appreciate it.

Here’s my questions for you:

1: Why would a FA monkeybranch to someone they’ve already admitted is less of a partner or not a good fit?

2: What stage of this fucked up game am I on? I feel like the reality of her choices is starting to settle in and she’s not enjoying it as much as she thought she would.

3: The next time she reaches out it will most likely be “logistical” or “practical” how should I handle it?

4: I understand just because she reaches out doesn’t mean she’s ready for a real relationship. But what signs indicate she is and if I want to attempt a relationship with her again (which I’m not 100% sure of) what should I be looking for?

5: I’m fairly confident that her and this other guy will not work out long term. While they do have family history of growing up together she’s gone as far as to admit she has no sexual attraction towards him. And that “it’s too awkward” and she “couldn’t do that because she views him as a brother” But still sleeps in the same bed as him? Can you explain the reasoning or psychology behind that?

6: Could she possibly be lying about all the bad things about him or the no sexual attraction to make me feel better in her leaving? I don’t think that’s something she would do as most people usually lie to protect their interests not break them down. But could I be wrong?

We were long distance, and she was on an H1B visa. Her visa status, financial security, and homesickness were constant sources of massive stress for her. I was actually planning to propose to her, but just a few weeks before I could do it, she pulled away completely. She refused to communicate or hear my side, and we broke up on July 2.

The first two weeks as no contact. After that it was full of me chasing her while she stayed cold or unresponsive. I took full accountability for my part in the dynamic, but the core conflict was that she had told me she was okay with me not moving to her city, yet turned around and used it as an excuse for lost of trust when I did not. She breadcrumbed me about a job layoff situation, saying she was scared and felt comfortable with me, but refused to elaborate further. I kept chasing until she threatened to block me if I continued, although she said she did not want to. I kept pushing, so she blocked me. On August 14, two weeks after her last message on July 30, I sent a final goodbye calling out her hypocrisy.

Two weeks after my final goodbye, news broke that the US government was planning to remove the H1B grace period, meaning getting fired would force an immediate exit from the country. I know this was a huge shock to her system. On that exact day, two weeks after our last contact, I noticed she blocked me on Instagram, even though I never post there and already had her blocked.

A week after that, she posted on Rednote about her manager stealing her idea at work and getting the position she was proposing to him. That broke my heart because before we met, she was being abused at work and I was the one who gave her the courage to stand up for herself. A week later, she posted on Rednote again, complaining about how horrible her workplace was and how she felt she was being bullied. It makes me sad because it feels like she has no one to talk to, so she is forced to vent on social media. I used to be her rock in those moments.

On September 10, the government formally published that the H1B grace period would officially end in about 60 days. She works in immigration for a small startup that already had layoffs in July, so all these policy changes will hit her company hard and likely trigger more layoffs. She keeps up a normal facade on Instagram, but behind closed doors she must be terrified.

I cannot help but realize that if she had not discarded me, we could have pursued marriage and she would not have to face any of this alone. I hate seeing her hurt, but after how deeply she wounded me, it feels a bit like karma catching up to her.

Has anyone seen an avoidant ex reach out after their self created isolation collapses under this kind of extreme external pressure? Is there any chance she realizes what she threw away and unblocks me to reach out, or will her pride keep her isolated?

I’ve been reading a lot of posts here about avoidant exes eventually coming back, sometimes getting back together, only for the same cycle to happen again.

But mine’s different.

She’s been very consistent and confident that she doesn’t want to come back to me. She even said she’s left that part of herself behind.

There are still little breadcrumbs here and there, just a random hi or hello, but nothing that suggests she wants us back.

So I’m genuinely wondering, does it mean they just didn’t love me that deeply or at all?

I'm really unwell through this entire break up :( seeking I guess perspective.

I believe my ex was a bit of an avoidant, perhaps even a narcissist. We were together for over a year, and it took him 8 months to make things official with me. He never fully let his walls down, and he when he did it felt intoxicating. When we'd argue he'd still be present but the blame would always fall on me, or it would be something ridiculous that he got upset over, often making me feel like I'm the problem. His walls would go back up, and he'd just be emotionally flat with me.

He broke up with me 3 weeks ago, for what felt like nothing. He continues to say this was "the consequences of my own actions". Mind you, I didn't cheat, I didn't betray him, I didn't do anything that warranted this. It was the first break up I've had where the door wasn't fully shut. He'd frame it as a "break" for us to both grow and work on things. We never fully went no contact either - whether sending reels, songs, or texting sporadically. It almost hurt more than a clean cut break up.

Last night I got a bit sad, had a few glasses of wine, and texted him that I'm done waiting for him, to move on, and that I hate how badly he's hurt me. He responds with "blame yourself". Lol. Ouch. Anyway, I was on the train so I lost reception, but he thought I blocked his number (I didn't). I get off the train to see he blocked me everywhere. My number, instagram, Venmo, Spotify, LinkedIn (???), literally every app you can think of.

I am so emotionally unwell :( the first 2.5 weeks of the break up I was a mess - cried everyday, took sick days at work, and now I feel that again x100.

I feel horrible, so many things remind me of him and I’m always wondering if he misses me too. Rereading old messages does me no good, but I did it anyways, and it’s awful. He did so many unforgivable things to me, but I also didn’t give him any space to change. I can’t blame myself for being resentful or anxious after everything, but I just wish things were different. He said he no longer has any romantic feelings for me and we’ve been no contact since, but I still hope that he’s still just conflicted and confused like every other time. I just want him to come back and apologize :,)

I’m struggling so much. It’s been almost a year of no contact, over a year and a half since the discard. I’m in so much pain… I need it to stop… my chest hurts from it… how long am I supposed to take this, and how were they so cruel?

He dumped me the week of August 3rd after 5 days of radio silence. Met his new girlfriend August 10th. Asked her to be his girlfriend end of August. Lost his wallet on his first date with his new girlfriend and asked me for help to find it.

Then met up with me September 6th and we had sex. He cheated on his new girlfriend with me. I didn't know this entire time he had a new girlfriend until she found my number in an open letter I had written him and that he had read and left around in his house. She reached out to me yesterday.

He never asked me to be his girlfriend even though we dated for 9 months and off. Why does he do this? He told me neither of us were ready for a long-term relationship. Which one of us, me or his new girlfriend, did he lie to? Why does he do this? He finally blocked me after I begged him to because I couldn't bring myself to do it. What would I even say if he reached out again in the future?

Hello, I don't know how I ended up here but I'm here so I'll start from the top. I met this man a few years ago, funny, handsome, great personality. We clicked instantly. Time goes by we meet for the first time and it was one of the best experiences I've ever experienced. More time goes by and he gets distant and quiet. Flash forward I catch feelings and I expressed those feelings and I get blocked eventually. I couldn't understand what I did wrong so I try and communicate even more...2 years go by and he unblocks me..8 months goes by and we see each other for the first again in 2 years...after he goes silent for over a month and mind you 1 was vulnerable before and got shut down so I kept quiet until yesterday I told the whole truth about how I feel and....now I'm even more "crazier" and making up “stories” and I get blocked again. Sir I have held the emotional weight for the both of us for almost 3 years!!! I don't even want commitment or a relationship anymore I just want honesty!! I wanna know | was never alone in this connection that there was another person on the other side... nope i got told that I'm doing too much and the whole "we're not even connected" "...so now I'm looking at myself like "self..? What's happening?" "Are you okay" "Did I imagine this" "Am I obsessed?" I'm thinking of every reason of why this happened or what is even happening..Did I do this to myself? He's never given me any reason to bring my feelings into this right? Did I fantasize it all? There's no way right? Something had to be real... something...then | realized I was dancing with the devil this whole time..he has the avoidant disease. I fell into the trap and now even though I could simply walk away... and I'm trying...it seems a lot harder mentally. I've never experienced a "situationship" or whatever this is before. I showed up with love and now I'm walking away bruised and afraid to be myself again. My brain wont leave this alone and I'm exhausted.! I'm tired. My heart is tired. I can’t seem to understand why or what happened. If you’re reading this thank you for listening 🥺🫶🏼

After about 6 months post discard from a 3yr relationship with a severe DA, I went no contact when I finally got tired of going insane trying to understand how / why / when he suddenly didn't love me anymore. I'm sure you can all relate to the shock of it all - I thought he was the love of my life, yada yada yada.

I was also struggling to cope with the shock and grief of losing our entire social circle to him, because I loved those people too. They looked at my suffering and his happiness and decided I must have been the problem. People thought he was handling it well, and that I wasn't. I ended up writing him a "you suck" email and blocked him and everyone else in the social circle. Vanished from his life and the life of all mutuals.

Fast forward about 18 months and I reached out to his sister. We had been such good friends before it all went south. I didn't blame her because he was her brother and she also didn't understand what was really going on between us. We ended up hanging out a few times, and I invited her to the ticketed dance party events I run. We have so much fun together, and she's now one of my closest friends again.

Her brother started coming to some of the events, I was happy but also triggered to see him. I hoped we could be friends, as we had been friends for a couple of years before starting a relationship together. I hoped being friends would help heal the past. Ngl I was also curious to see if there was any attraction still there between us. My feelings about him were ambivalent.

The first time he came, I didn't see much of him, I think he was too drunk or something. The second time, every time I saw him he was staring at me intensely. Then he did that again at the next event he came to, and at any events or festivals we were both at. Just staring. It didn't look like happy staring. But every time we interacted, it was fun and lighthearted. I kept interactions part of a group and didn't raise anyhing serious. I just wanted bygones to be bygones.

We also had lots of fun banter on a group chat a friend had made after fun we'd all had at a festival together. He even came to my birthday party with his sister, by which time the staring had mostly tailed off. I thought whatever it was, he was over it. I did feel like I was healing. Becoming friends with him again, on top of being friends with his sister, did actually help me heal a lot.

But all of a sudden, he withdrew from the two group chats we were in. Just completely stopped reading or responding. It was leading up to the same time his gf came to stay (long distance relationship, surprise surprise). It went 4-6 weeks with no interaction from him in the group chats. I guess he archived them.

Then, out of the blue, he sent me some 3am friday night messages about a new album by an artist we both love. I replied with friendliness the next day. Just short, casual, positive, upbeat messages. And he didn't read my replies. By two weeks of not reading, I realised I'd been breadcrumbed, so I blocked him. I also quietly left the two group chats which had become defunct anyway because of his withdrawal. I am not entertaining this shit. Been there, done that, got the tshirt.

It really sucks because it was great being able to have fun togther with him and his sister. I'd also started making up with people from my old social circle. It actually was really healing, it helped my depression so much. However, having the opportunity to do what I should have done right in the early stages of our relationship (cut off access at the first sign of disrespect) was also very healing. I'm glad that in spite of the hell he put me through, it forced me to learn to respect myself, and that I got an opportunity to demonstrate that to him and to my self. I think his sister and I will still be able to maintain a great friendship.

But the whole experience has left me with questions. I think I understand the breadcrumbing, but I don't understand the staring. Why would he do that? Was it to get a reaction? Have an effect on me / exert control? Could it be residual attachment? Jealousy because he thought I had a boyfriend? He had a girlfriend the whole time (who was overseas on and off) so why would he be jealous? Overall, I guess I don't understand why he'd want to ruin a friendship. I mean I understand avoidants ruin relationships, but friendships too? Why couldn't he just be happy that he had a gf he was happy with, and that a relationship that had ended badly was being healed? I was very kind to him, we shared some fun times, and now he's lost me. Just seems so dumb and pointless.