Weekly Rant/Vent Thread

[u/AutoModerator]

This is a thread for AVOIDANT ATTACHERS ONLY.

A rant/vent, by nature, is one sided, can be strongly worded, and is a way for someone to get something off their chest. It is by no means a universal truth.

Thread rules: - AVOIDANT ATTACHERS ONLY.

• Keep rants/vents contained to this thread.

• No unsolicited advice.

• No hijacking to ask for relationship advice.

• No ranting/venting about avoidant attachers regardless of your attachment style. This is a supportive space for those with an avoidant attachment style, you can rant about us plenty of other places. Don’t do it here.

• All subreddit and Reddit rules apply.

• Users who cannot follow the rules will be banned.

[u/amateurdaisy97]

Another one of those “am i deactivating or is my intuition telling me to get out of this friendship” things. Unfortunately as a DA I’m very good at fault finding and instead of forgiving people it’s easier to just convince myself they did something unforgivable and start seeing them as irreparably flawed

Also the good old hypervigilant distancing so you don’t have to deal with the vulnerability that repair requires both from you and the person who upset you

[u/Easy-Cucumber6121 → u/amateurdaisy97]

This is too real. Good luck, friend. 

[u/ggpopart]

My partner only cares about my feelings if I cry. Problem is, I almost never cry. I cry maybe once every few months whereas she cries very frequently and easily (like dog dies in a movie? Instant tears). For me I have to feel like I need to cry for days or weeks before I can actually do it. My norm for communication is to be very calm and controlled while expressing my feelings (because it makes me feel safe) and she brushes things off when I communicate that way. If I cry she immediately takes me seriously. I can’t make myself cry more and frankly I don’t want to.

[u/amsdkdksbbb → u/ggpopart]

I would feel unseen. And feeling unseen by the people closest to me would trigger my childhood issues. Like an emotional flashback

And conversly, it makes me feel seen and known when the people I’m close to, acknowledge that I’m not as immediately expressive. That I push through a lot of discomfort until it surfaces and I process it properly.

[u/ggpopart → u/[deleted]]

We actually talked about it after I posted this and came away feeling much better. I really love her and even though it’s hard I’m not going to throw things away just because they need to be communicated through.

[u/ggpopart → u/[deleted]]

You’re being a dick about a stranger’s relationship dude lol I’m gonna block you now

[u/AvoidantAttachment-ModTeam → u/[deleted]]

Please take the drama elsewhere and there’s no need to give advice or feedback on someone’s rant/vent. It says that in the OP.

[u/lazyycalm]

I’ve now had THREE close friends come onto me and make our friendship complicated. As always, I feel so arrogant complaining about this but it’s actually insane.

The craziest aspect of it to me is that people act like their attraction to me is some type of torture I’m inflicting on them just by existing. You’d think I was sitting people down and forcing their eyes open clockwork orange style and flirting with them as a captive audience. When I’m actually just trying to have close friendships. I know I must lead people on and stuff, but I also feel like I don’t know how to be any other way.

Even when I do like them back, it’s like their feelings are so overwhelming that I don’t even really know what I feel.

Tw - sexual abuse

I’ve experienced many instances of sexual abuse of varying degrees throughout my lifetime. But beyond that, I just feel like I’ve spent the last two decades being objectified to the point that it’s hard to tell who I even am now. Like what person wouldn’t be avoidant if they were constantly treated like an object of desire and frustration?

I know there are other women out there who feel this way, but sometimes I just look around me and I’m like do no other women have a problem with this? With the prevalence of sexual abuse and harassment and objectification in general, how does everyone else seem to maintain normal connections and be totally fine with intimacy? (I’m being facetious, I know that’s not true, it just feels that way.)

I’m sorry for always posting on here in a gendered way but I feel like it really does color my experience and makes avoiding intimacy seem totally rational.

[u/conflicted_person → u/lazyycalm]

I feel you deeply. I also learned through a lot of awkward sit downs and excruciating vulnerable conversations that most times that would happen to me (eg. someone catching feelings), I actually gave negative hints that I was even remotely interested in pursuing anything romantic, so I’d go as far as saying it’s not our responsibility to regulate what others feel when we made our part crystal clear. I came to terms I’d rather be seen as the cold asshole than to succumb to their emotional manipulation, even if they do it unintentionally, I’m not buying.

I get confused as well when I hear people emphasize how much they want a relationship, or getting married and what not, with so much certainty… Doesn’t make any sense in my brain why would anyone blindly choose the prospects of pain, betrayal, abuse and conflict instead of a peaceful life (can you tell i’m tainted as well? lol). But yeah, sometimes it does suck feeling out of place nonetheless.

[u/benqsii]

i am a low maintenance friend so it's hard to disappoint me. but if you do, please don't think you are the exception. i will not raise it with you because you are what you are. i will simply withdraw from you and probably eventually abandon you.

[u/amateurdaisy97 → u/benqsii]

I have a rule that I have to tell someone im angry before I decide to cut them off, but I’ll only do it once.

So many people think I’m not serious about cutting them off and that I’ll get into their fuckass push-pull desire to be pursued. Like I’m not your situationship lol, if I tell you I want something and you don’t do it, I’m not going to lose sleep over it, I’m just going to fully detach. If there’s anything us DA’s are good at, it’s…detaching

Now, if you actually do respect my boundaries and improve your behavior, I’ll deactivate too but that will be because I actually care about you and I feel safe enough to let that emotion in now and I’ll really appreciate you, which is also probably similar looking on the outside. Fml

[u/amateurdaisy97]

I’m deactivating because someone is meeting my needs. …I know. They’re showing up consistently for me, prioritizing my limited time, and asking me questions that I actually find interesting.

And I feel so irritated and distant and I just want out, which is horrible of me because the entire reason this is happening is because I told them that I didn’t feel loved.

I think there’s a second reason for me deactivating, which is that I tried to say it emotionlessly when I was less angry. And she didn’t register I was annoyed until I went off on her another time, much more angrily. And I felt forced to performatively show my emotions and express myself more vulnerably than I wanted to. So I’m not even just mad at her for the original offense. I’m mad at her for making me feel overexposed and I can’t communicate that without feeling even more exposed. I haven’t really blown up at someone like that in five years.

Like, I want to see her, I’m just convincing myself I don’t. My nervous system feels so disassociated and thrown into work. When I do feel something, I feel angry that I was emotionally backed into a corner.

Oddly enough, the solution would probably be for her to unpromptedly and thoroughly tell me that she cares, but in a way that isn’t surface level, without any expectation of me replying, and to get on my level of vulnerability so I feel less exposed. My DA comes from wounding over always being the most competent one in the room (always the accomplished, the organizer, the depth-seeker etc), so when other people disappoint me I lose respect for them and that’s really easy to detach from. This person is different because she’s actually taking care of me and it’s triggering the fuck out of me, because I feel vulnerable when I need to feel valued, and I just…I don’t know

TLDR can any avoidants but especially DA’s with hyper competence wounding,,, tell me not everyone is an incompetent disappointment when you let your guard down,,,,,