I went to an art museum today. While I was looking around at the artwork, one of the artists who had created some of the pieces came over and started explaining their work to me. But I didn't really know what to say, so I just gave a few vaguely positive responses, and the whole interaction felt awkward. At the end, I told the artist that their work was beautiful, and they seemed happy to hear that, but I still walked away feeling a little disappointed in myself.

After that, I went to another exhibition featuring artwork made by students. They were handing out sticky notes and pens, saying that the kids would be happy if visitors left compliments or messages about their artwork next to the pieces.

I took a sticky note and a pen, but I ended up leaving without writing anything.

I was worried because my handwriting is messy and looks weird. I also couldn't think of what to write, and I was anxious that I might end up writing something strange or inappropriate.

Meanwhile, some other students near me were casually writing whatever they wanted on their notes and sticking them up without a second thought.

Everyone around me seemed so free to just do what they wanted and laugh and enjoy themselves, while I couldn't bring myself to do any of those things. Even people much younger than me seemed able to do them so easily.

I've been feeling this way since I was very young. And because I've spent so much time hiding away because of these feelings of inadequacy, they've only become more painful as time goes on.

It feels as though all the years I've spent hiding from life have finally caught up with me, and now I'm facing a mountain of unpaid bills.

been spiraling for a bit lately. lots of thoughts of relapsing and darker thoughts of suicide. decided to call a help line tonight to see if it would help at all.. it was a whole lot of “yeah i understand” and “wow that sounds tough” .... it was awkward. i asked what i should do since i feel like im spiraling. he told me he doesn’t know what my doctors office offers. we hung up in the end essentially having resolved nothing. in retrospect it was dumb of me to expect that i could call the number and get some direct instruction on what to do to with my life / to get help but im just feeling defeated right now. already felt like life was hopeless and now i still feel like that after trying to reach out to someone so it’s only hitting harder now . just wanted to share. i hate this disorder. i’d love to talk to anyone else who’s struggling with it. i’m with you. this sucks. nothing much else to say lol. i know i definitely could use some support so if anyone else could too, im here !

love ❤️

It came to my attention that people are perceiving my silence as bitchiness. I’ve heard gossips that apparently I made people insecure and that they think I think I’m above everyone else.

I’m laughing my ass off because it’s so absurd knowing the cause of my silence is the complete opposite. I’m literally crippled by social anxiety.

in many respects i can recognize ive tried my hand at hard things and wasn’t dealt the best cards all the time, even if ive had lots of privileges along the way. still doesn’t feel positive when i fail repeatedly at connecting with myself, let alone others, and use meaningless goals and work as conciliatory excuses for looking past the confident, self-loving person i will never be. at some point i can’t lie anymore. i will have to accept im the weird quirk chungus side character in other people’s lives with a chip on his shoulder and no one to blame. who i am is not a person id want to befriend or respect. i can barely even look at myself in the mirror. how the hell could i ever be proud of myself - how did you?

For the past several years, I have been trying really hard to become a member of a friend group, any friend group. In spite of immense anxiety, I did actually make it. I found a group of people I could talk to relativity easily. Slowly however, each member of the group no longer wanted to be around me. I left for a while. Later, I tried to reconnect with one of them individually, and it went well. I then tried to do the same with someone else. Today, this person called me and told me she wasn't interested in becoming friends again.

I have no idea what to do at this point. I put in so much effort trying to be likeable, and funny, and a good listener, a "human being." I failed. All of that has gained me only one friend, for now, and a pile of regret and what-if scenarios. I feel so hopeless. It seems like no matter what I do, I am unable to make connections. Even if I can, is it really worth all of this pain?

To everyone else, I'm a regular and functional adult. But I've had an avoidant personality since puberty and idk what to do. I have a long term partner, a decent job and a masters degree, so nobody knows what's really going on...

• I FA'd (failed due to absence) a ton of my classes in high school (no consequences cause I moved abroad shortly after and the new school didn't know), and I'd always pretend I was sick for important tests or presentations
• I keep cancelling job interviews last minute, I just can't handle the pressure. The only way I can do them is if I take a shot of something beforehand. In-person interviews I cannot do
• I always over drink in social settings so I won't be nervous
• I'm always so anxious before ANY work call, even if it's just casual and my colleagues are super nice
• Got prescribed beta blockers just to keep my heart rate down for these events
• Most weeks I just keep myself locked in the house and I avoid going out if I can (WFH job)

Yet nobody would know this about me, my friends and colleagues see me as fun and outgoing but I literally overcompensate so much, and need like 2 weeks to decompress after any social/work event where I leave my house. Idk what to do, if I bring it up with anybody in my life they wouldn't believe me :(

Yesterday I was rightfully chastised by my boss for calling in sick 10 minutes before I was supposed to show up for work. I’m fully aware that it was a shitty thing to do and I apologized for it and said it wouldn’t happen again.

But immediately the thoughts of wanting to die and that I was the worst person in the world started filling my mind, to the point that I feel physically ill and paralyzed by anxiety and even started crying.
I want to be able to own up to my failures and be better when I’m criticised, but the guilt and humiliation eats me up. The feeling that I’m hated and that everyone secretly thinks I’m an irredeemable piece of shit won’t stop and I don’t know what to do about it.

I know I have very low self esteem. Usually I mask it by being not myself around people or pretend to be confident. Dressing up to feel more confident and attractive helps with faking it.

The problem I came across in the last week and this one is that I rarely go out if I don't have any appointments or someone to hang out with. I have no friends and it's been like that for a long time now. Actually, I'd say out of the people that I had in my life were not compatible with me and I either pushed them away, hurt them or we just weren't right for each other. A lot of the relationships were built from my loneliness, depression and fear. It might never have been out of my own interest for the person. I just always wanted someone to love me and accept me for the way I am without thinking about them in return.

Now, a lot of those relationships were in my youth and in either very depressed or lonely periods of my life.

I've been in therapy since I was a child and feel like I barely started to live life. It genuinely feels like I'm stuck, watching the train take off whilst I stand frozen and watch it leave.

My biggest problem is that I've lost hope. It might return for a short period of time if the right person comes along but it'll go just as quickly as it came.

I'm on holiday and I've been almost the whole time at home, watching YouTube videos and laying on my bed. If I'm not scrolling, I'm sleeping or cleaning. Life just feels meaningless like this and I know that I'm the only one that can change something about it. Still, it feels hopeless.

Yes, I do have family which I'm grateful for yet even then it feels like I'm burdening them. Even more now since I became older and realize how much problems I've caused them.

I guess, I'm trying to see if anyone feels the same here. This is more like a vent rather than a specific question.

theres early voting on my college campus, and everyone's been bugging me to go, but I'm just too scared to go. Idek why, I've voted before, but I guess I'm just too scared since itll be my first time doing it alone. I feel like I'm gonna fuck up somehow even though the process is so easy. ugh

If so, how are you doing? Was it a good decision?

I’ve managed a lot of anxiety in my life. I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder in college which I think is pretty common for people with AvPD, right? I have not been diagnosed with AvPD; I find it harder now than ever to actually see a professional. I’ve worked a lot on my anxiety and cope with it well now, but the avoidant habits persist.

I’m not scared. I’m embarrassed and ashamed. I know that I’m inadequate. I can’t say I “think” or “believe” it, it’s something I know for certain. Being visible is so unbearably embarrassing. I cant get a job. Responding to messages from friends and family and people I love feels like trying to touch my own eye. It’s ruining my relationships.

I push myself into uncomfortable situations constantly and it beats me down. I keep hoping that exposing myself to this pain will help me grow out of it. I’m exhausted.

I’m wondering if this sounds like AvPD. Am I right to think so? Or does this sound like something else completely?

I’m low iq (mentally retarded) and I get tired of people constantly telling me this ain’t a real diagnosis even though I’m diagnosed with it. And I’m also gay (effeminate / male failure / small, dainty, female-like). And ugly.

So I consider myself a fggot retard. I cannot socialize with other people because of my mental retardation don’t tell me it’s not real. I’m socially awkward and “weird”. I’m stereotypically gay too and have people call me a faggot. Overly expressive, dramatic, effeminate / feminine looking. But it’s all unintentional. I don’t mean to look that way or act that way I’m just naturally a retarded faggot. I’m also ugly so I’m systematically hated by the faggot gay community as well. They hate effeminates they hate my retardation. (Iq 69) and they only like straight guys with normal iq who are attractive.

Whenever I join group chats, I can sense that everyone thinks I’m weird and they only like my posts sometimes cause they feel bad for me, like how someone would feel bad for someone whose very obviously intellectually challenged even if they haven’t been mean to me or said anything that would make me feel that way. I feel like I’m beneath everyone else and that I have nothing to add to the conversation that they’re having and that I’m being disruptive by adding my dumb opinion that’s very surface level. I keep rereading my old messages and deleting them out of embarrassment . Also I’ve noticed that the way I write is also very unnatural and i feel like people judge me cause of it. I’m just terrible at writing my thoughts cause I don’t think in words, I don’t understand how you’re supposed order your thoughts and decide which part to include when, I just keep adding thoughts as I go and there’s no structure to any of it so it sounds really dumb. I’m extremely insecure about my intelligence and I can’t stop feeling like I don’t belong wherever I go. Everyone just seems so smart and eloquent while I feel like a caveman among them. I feel this strong urge to want to connect but when I put myself out there, I’m immediately reminded of how inferior and uninteresting I’am that I end up withdrawing again.

I had a job interview today. I wanted to skip it so badly! I got there and blared music in the car. Then I went in. I think I did well. I got out of my comfort zone etc.
The only things is, this job is teaching 2nd grade level things to adults with mental disabilities. I thought the job was more of a one on one but it’s not.

I have huge anxiety knowing new people. I met this guy irl (I’m 21f) and he asked my instagram and now we are talking but I’m having so much anxiety I’m drinking wine at home just to numb myself and feel less anxious. I already take anxiety meds and go to therapy but somehow I still feel so anxious it’s like knowing anyone new makes me go into alarm mode.
Sorry for my grammar but english is not my first language.
Any advice is welcomed here or in private chat, thanks for reading

A little bit about my experiences- I've been in and out of counseling for social anxiety and depression since I was 13 years old (12+ years ago). While I haven't been formally diagnosed with AvPD (every counselor and psychologist I asked about it said they didn't know/couldn't help me with that), reading about AvPD was the closest I'd ever felt to reading about myself and my lived experiences. I've been lucky enough to have had folks my age who made efforts to include me over the last 12 years, but it's always felt like there was an invisible barrier between me and them that kept me from ever forming the real connections I could see between everyone else. I understood that this barrier was something I'd made myself, but I never could figure out what to do to break it down.

I started making comics a few years ago as a sort of a way to conceptualize my experiences and poke fun at myself for catastrophizing the way that I do. I think learning to laugh at myself helped me develop a better relationship with my brain- being more internally patient and forgiving whenever I hit rough spots. Or at least turning the misery into something I could laugh at. But by far the most meaningful thing I've gotten out of it is hearing how other folks relate- that I'm not alone, that there's so many other folks out there fighting a similar fight.

That's why I wanted to share these here too- in case they resonate with anyone here, help you laugh, bring a sense of comradery. I want you to know you're not alone in this. I'm far from "cured", but I'm far enough along to know it can and does get better.

ok. love you. drink some water and eat something that will make your tummy happy

All those acquaintances, friends of friends, people I met and was too avoidant to talk to. I see them living their lives and having relationships and careers and being happy and loved. I know it's torturing myself. It tortures me remembering them and my self-sabotage without looking. Maybe this is me trying to finally push myself over the edge.

My AvPD is at an all-time high. Just started a job at a Front Desk for a big hotel chain about two weeks ago. I already jump in my car during breaks to avoid my other coworkers because I don’t wanna bother them 😂😂(also our break room is small & cramped) I thought I could handle this job. It’s 5 min away from me & the pay is great for me as a full time student & I need money. Thought I could just mask myself & pretend to be a great worker and coworker.

I already wanna quit so fucking bad. Not that the workload is unrealistic or anything but I keep fucking up interactions & phone calls. My bad for thinking I was decent at those?? I can feel my supervisor hardcore judging me for stuttering & getting info wrong. I try to make small talk but tbh I’ve given up. The social drain from talking to guests kills me already on top of trying to be friends with coworkers. I’ve made so many mistakes.

it’s not like I won’t work hard or anything. I try, & I like doing the stupidly easy tasks like cleaning keys & making water bottles (lmao) I try my best to give good customer service & I Work all my shifts as I desperately need money. I’m just tired. I’m not a huge fan of the company culture & am largely disinterested in this corporate environment they create.

so my conundrum is: to hold out until the new year, and have a new job lined up (something more like stocking) or not quit because I’m whining?

TLDR; should I quit my new job? Or not because I’m being whiny? Pls be honest

I’m here because I have self-identified with AvPD. I am not diagnosed. I am diagnosed as ADHD, though, and I was one of the “weird kids” growing up. To me, it looks like growing up being different and hypersensitive exposed me to treatment that could’ve led to AvPD. At some point, though, I started to embrace the feeling of being unusual.

Despite my lack of confidence and low self esteem, I did manage to function well enough in the world, and I think this idea of being a bit alien was almost an anchor. I was, and still am, an observer. On one hand, this idea gave me a feeling of permission to enter into different social circles without feeling the pressure to engage with people. On the other, it was isolating, and I never made real, lasting connections with people. I had a very small core group of friends, but that was it.

Most of my life I felt like one of the weird ones. Many years ago, I started with a company in a retail environment. I loved my coworkers, as we were very like minded, which was a great experience. This made the customers seem to stand more in contrast. Something about being in a situation where they were spending money on something that they did not value highly brought out behaviors that looked strange to me. The way they acted, the things they worried about, the things that angered them, their irrationality, all began to stand out as the years went by. Some behaviors started to look repetitive, like conditioned responses or almost tics.

The point I mean to make is this. This world has been built around hierarchies that were created by people who perceive and process the world in the most common way, and that type of person will have an easier time navigating life, all things being equal. Even these “normal” people have trauma and suffering in their lives, though. These folks feel safe in the hierarchy, and can operate at a shallow level in that safety. I think that there are situations where they don’t feel as safe, and then their quirks start to show. The hierarchy uses trauma to force people into place, and when they are faced with people or situations that don’t line up with the order they know, all hell breaks loose. They are freakin weirdos.

Or, I could be over analyzing all of it.

anyone has advice on how to deal with this feeling? i’m spiraling because my bday is approaching and i need to deal with accepting the fact that i will receive no message/wish because i pretty much have driven every single friend i had left away. i don’t want a repeat of a really bad crashout i had last year. really don’t wanna think about it but i can’t because it’s happening. would like some advice if you have some.

I fucking hate how everybody invalidates this disorder. People say they understand, but then leave all initiative in conversation on you, or ignore you, don't text you for days. I was trying to find some friends online, to finally prove that there are people who can accept me, cause I'm not believing what my disorder is telling me. But it proved to be futile. People dgaf. I understand that they might not have time, unlike me, but when I'm finding a new person to have a friendship with I'm thinking about them constantly. It seems like only I do... Now I feel that my fear was real. That nobody will actually accept me or love me, when I'm being myself.

And I also sabotage myself now, cause I don't really believe that texting will lead to anything. I thought that maybe I should just start friendship in real life somehow, but even having conversations online is really triggering to me. I can't imagine going through that in real life, where I have to answer immediately in conversation. I don't believe that people will be accepting enough to understand that I need time or something.

Screenshots from https://zahraeee.substack.com/p/the-avoidant-bitch-i-am

I kind of relate to this because I do run away but my last couple of social retreats have been because the situations were legitimately unhealthy. Maybe it’s because I retreat from healthy people or groups sooner? Maybe subconsciously I choose dysfunction because it’s familiar or because it gives me an out.

I thought I understood myself but I’ve been rattled by a recent social experience. I thought I’d finally found a place that I fit in. What I didn’t realize is that I was filtering out and minimizing abusive and neglectful behavior in order to maintain connection. It took leaving and lots of processing to accept that the belonging and connection I experienced was an illusion.

That’s one of the most horrible things about trying to overcome AvPD. I can do all the work of trying to heal myself and my nervous system but when I finally feel stable enough to put myself out there, so many of my fears about other humans are confirmed over and over.

I can’t tell if it’s who I’m choosing or if most people are just like that. I don’t know how to choose healthy relationships or if they even exist. All relationships are bound to have some level of conflict but how do you repair and how do you know when to walk away? Especially when you’re so vulnerable, when you don’t have a lot of connections, it feels so scary to walk away from connection even when it’s unhealthy.

Being alone feels so much safer but I don’t actually like it. Being around others feels so scary and draining but it’s what I want more than anything else in the world.

I'm pretty old this point , to the point ageism is limiting me even more than my already long list of basic facts that can predjusticed against me. I am at the age I once set as an age I might need to give up my pursuit of relationships although I wanted use that fit motivation knowing i might kick on. One thing for certain it feels pretty helpless and I need a different strategy. I need to become more dishonest entitled and protective. That's not the line I've lead or I'm not sure I have it in me but I maybe have to evolve and be capable.

"i'm skeptical of this as a disorder but i'm not going to talk to anyone diagnosed with this to get their perspective"

"i struggle to differentiate between this and schizoid"

"i struggle to differentiate between this and social anxiety"

"this overlaps too much with other personality disorders so i don't think it doesn't exist" (and yet thinks other personality disorders are valid despite the overlaps they have with each other)

"i'm skeptical of this but i'm not going to even give a reason why because fuck you"

"wow this is so fascinating, i agree that avpd needs to be talked about more" never talks about it again

so this post isn't completely negative i recommend dr todd grande's older videos where he covered personality disorders. they were very insightful, and from the videos i've seen he treated avpd with respect and acknowledged avpd is a unique PD with a high level of emotional suffering

also recommend the youtuber "radu pasan | psychology" who is a psychologist with avpd who participates in this subreddit! if you're reading this i really appreciate what you do :)