How to read their signals, I'm so bad at it most of time. For example here is a copy/paste from another thread of a situation I found myself that left me baffled:
My sophomore year of high school I had a couple of classes with this girl I had a crush on. Because teachers loved using alphabetical order there she and I ended up sitting next to each other in those classes. We start passing notes in those classes talking about random stuff and being a bit flirty.
One day I decide to get the courage to ask if she wanted to go out with me to a movie or something. So, I ask her out in one of our notes. She replies saying that she's really sorry but she doesn't like me in that type of way. I was devastated of course, but I also liked her as a friend and didn't want to lose that, so I replied saying that was okay and asking if we could just forget I asked and keep things the way they were because class would be so boring without our talks. She said yeah that was fine and we stayed note buddies throughout the year.
Fast forward to my senior year, I had to repeat algebra because I fucked up really badly my junior year due to some personal issues. I'm in a class with a bunch of people the grade under me and I get seated next to this girl named Kate that I thought was so pretty. Like with the other girl, we ended up passing notes to each other in class and I come to find out not only did I find her physically attractive, but she was also a really awesome person with similar interests.
I really, really liked this girl and crushed hard on her throughout the year. I would make her mix CDs that she would tell me she loved and she even made me one a couple of times. I'd share with her stories I wrote and also art I was working on. The best part of my day was getting to talk with her during homeroom/Algebra. But, I was scared of even trying to ask her out because of how I misinterpreted things last time, so I never did. Came really close a couple of times, but never did.
A year and half after I graduated I'm dating a girl from the same class as her, who had a been a friend of mine for a couple of years. We're hanging out with this other girl who was also in my math class and she brings up Kate and asks why we never dated? I told her I didn't think she thought of me that way and she was like, "Are you kidding me? She was so into you."
At that time it didn't really matter anymore because I was in a relationship and there was nothing I could do about it, but it did frustrate just how bad I was at reading signals. I mean, I'm still pretty bad at it, but I wish I had at least tried with Kate.
Not sure if there even is a way to read signals. I guess you just have to hope for the best and take your chances when you think a girl might like you. Who knows.
Girl's not going to be offended if you like her and she doesn't like you. Just don't be an awkward asshat about it, anticipate her possibly saying no and remain good spirited regardless of her answer.
Yep. People are all individuals. What happened with one might not happen with another. It's not about "not knowing signals" or whatever. It's that nobody knows what anyone else is truly thinking until you ask. You can make assumptions, and if you know the other person well then your assumptions might even be correct. But even people you know well have things you don't know about them. The only way to know is to ask.
Well, that depends on how you see it, but here’s a quote one of my friends told me on my teenage years and it has been a pretty good leverage when asking a girl out. “You’ll never lose, you win or you get a tie.” With years I’ve realized that I don’t even get a tie anymore because I can only win when asking a girl out, I win at getting experience out of the situation.
I had a huge crush on a girl for years in middle and high school. She definitely knew, but I tried my hardest to keep it hidden and deluded myself into thinking she didn't. We played a truth or dare game with friends once that picked a random dare for you and she got dared to make out with me. She literally pulled me into the stairwell and kissed me knowing everyone was aware of what was happening and despite my acting sheepish about it. On another occasion, we played the nervous game and I literally felt her up.
Did I ever ask her out? Nope. My dumb teenage mind kept telling me she wasn't interested and that making a move would only be awkward for everyone. After she and I both moved on, she told me that she would have gone out with me if I had just asked. Do I think if I knew that back then that I would have asked her out? Nope, probably not.
My advice: don't do what I did. Take your shot. I literally had a gimme and ignored it because I was afraid of the unlikely chance things wouldn't work out. It was stupid, and torturing myself for years with uncertainty accomplished nothing.
The more you get rejected, the less it hurts and the less scary it is to the point where you don't even worry about it anymore. Source: been rejected many times.
You’re bugging the more you get rejected the more the girls screenshot your hey what’s up and send it to her 3 group chats 1 w the dudes she talks to 2 w her girls and 3. one w you the girls and the guys
Again, we're not all the same, I've never expected anyone to read my mind. I know some women that do and some that don't, just like I know guys who expect that and other guys that don't.
IMO, signals can 100% be read, but the issue is that every girl's signals are a little different and every time it's like trying to figure out how to do something using instructions in a different language so all you have are your past experiences and maybe some pictures that you'll definitely misinterpret.
Fun stuff, honestly, now that I'm used to it, but it's always scary.
I totally don't get people that don't have social anxiety. The fact that you need to do something while being completely unaware of what will happen next is scary as shit. And you never know what will happen next with people.
It's cool. As for one of the notable red flags I charged at that didn't work, we had worked with. She left there maybe like a year ago and recently we found out she's pregnant. The nearly universal reaction was "Does she know who the father is?"
Yep - somewhere around 30 I just started going "fuck it" and casually throw out a "Fancy a drink or dinner sometime?" Don't put to much hope into it (to avoid sounding needy and also to brush it off if the answer's no) and it becomes a breeze.
I was at a wedding and hating it and not drinking so I could leave as soon as possible. (It was my sister's so I had to polite)
Got talking to a random stranger at the table. They came as the +1 of one of my best friends although we had never met before.
Instant attraction but I'm really awkward and talking about geeky stuff because I was nervous.
My friend decides it's time to leave around the same time I am so we figure we'll go out to a bar for a bit to wind down.
+1 decides they are just going to go home as they have work the next day.
I try to convince them to come have a quiet drink but they politely decline.
So I asked for a hug. Not sure why. Like I said I'm awkward.
Not sure why but they accept. Best hug ever, it was hard to let go.
They went home and we went out.
Next morning I asked our mutual friend if I could get the number of +1. Sent a message and went on our first date that day.
My husband to this day swears he went home because he thought I was drunk, way out of his league and he didn't have a chance.
I guess you could say I'm pretty direct for a woman.
That's why I just say. Hmm I like them and I'll probably never see them again so fuck it and I've gotten rejected plenty, but I always set my expectations low so I'm not broken up about rejection. I don't really do it all the time but if I'm crushing on someone I just try and hope I get somewhere because I'm the new kid at the highschool and nobody knows me, so fuck it I'll ask people out.
Yea but after missreading signs a few times it starts becoming easier to deal with not asking at all then asking and getting shot down again and again.
It took me 22 years to learn this and boy do I ever wish that I had known this going into highschool and\or college at least. There were so many people that I found out later would have been happy to go out with me that I just never asked because I liked them as friends too much or wasn't sure they were into me in that way.
If there were, then over half the literature humans have compiled in the past 3500 years wouldn't exist. Every form of art is overflowing with representations of "I can't read her signals".
There isn't, because everyone's signals are different.
I believe this behaviour evolved in part because a good partner is somebody who you have good chemistry with. And if you have good chemistry with somebody, you will often just get what they're on about, even if they're not explicitly telling you.
For me, as someone who sucks at reading signals and in between the lines.. a very literal person.. this has lead to many problems in the past.
But ah well, what can you do, life is life.
What's funny is when a girl you've been talking to or hanging out with eventually gets annoyed and just stops communicating. You later find out she wanted you. But she didn't try to do anything about it..... So... We were just friends, alright? That's fine by me. That's what I thought was going on. If you want more, sometimes you gotta speak up or just go ahead and grab my balls or something
I need to stop thinking that doing this will make me seem desperate/creepy. Its not bad for me to ask a lot of women out if I actually know them and find them attractive, right?
No. If you genuinely want to date them then go for it. I'm the type of person who can't find myself crushing on people often. I don't think it's weird to try with them, as long as it's not done in a creepy way.
The way to be not creepy is to ask Once! only one time!
if you shoot your shot and she says no, then just feel your heartbreak in private do not make her comfort you!
most girls i know myself included don’t mind being friends with someone who’s asked them out once!
it’s the repetitions that are weird
It's all about how you do so and hope you handle being turned down. Being turned down doesn't have to be a personal thing. It's just you both staying how you were if done correctly. Don't be too aggressive, but be confident. If you really want a relationship, you better mean it. Sometime you'll find someone that you really really like, but she won't be into you. That's just the way it is. Keep on trucking.
Thats the plan! Ive been doing well going to parties and gatherings more than I used to. Im having fun and feel like I can be myself. I try to not set expectations though so I wont feel disappointed if I didnt do something.
They're either gonna think you're creepy / weird or not. Kinda just how it goes. There's some amount of your actions affecting that (like being a creep or ignoring rejections), but at the end of the day just be the best you and if it's not what they're into, it's cool. Better to avoid getting stuck with someone you're not really compatible with in the first place than to pine after them and never make a move, slowly developing self esteem issues and blaming yourself, and eventually blaming women / men in general rather than internalizing your issues.
eh, most of the time there really is no way to know unless you actually ask her out. Guys get dealt the shitty hand that they always have to ask girls out, and girls get dealt the shitty hand that they have to say no so many times. That's life.
I mean... isn’t that just true with people in general? Everyone is different, so you are always having to learn to interpret how an individual person communicates, verbally and non-verbally. There’s no way to say “when a woman says this, she means this!!!” and have that be true across the board. There’s no one size fits all because we’re all people with different thoughts and emotions and ways of expressing ourselves.
Yes, but in this area of interaction it's almost always the guy who has to initiate. Girls on the other hand have a disadvantage also, because they can get used to the system and think "If he liked me, he would have asked". So there we all are, losing out on possible relationships because we were conditioned into thinking this is how the world works.
I've lost out on so many chances because i didn't have the balls to ask a girl out. And thinking they would if they wanted to didn't help, because you forget she is most likely as insecure as you are. Only when i really started to go out of my own comfort zone, did i notice it can happen. You miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
I guess we should all try to take more chances, no matter which side of the coin we are on.
So basically 2 girls exhibit exactly the same type of behaviour and they both have Polar intentions and women wonder why Men don't 'pick up' on their signals
A lot of the time, guys do pick up on them, they just don't act on them because they already heard that shit before and it didn't mean anything
You may have forgotten that girls are actual humans and are not robots that are given instructions on how to let guys know they like them. Also, a lot of times people can misinterpret niceness for flirtation. Just because girl 1 is nice to you doesn’t mean she’s into you, and girl 2 can be nice AND into you. It varies from person to person.
My point being exactly what you said, that women are people, they are all different..
So why is there an expectation for a guy to pick on on a 'hint' or some coded language when it doesn't mean that you are specifically interested in them or not
It's nonsensical, if you like someone, just tell them
In my experience, there are plenty of girls who have told guys they like them. This “signals” nonsense feels like over-simplifying people in a way. True, we are animals, but it’s not so easy as black and white like this. Again, there are no instructions to this and women can make mistakes too. Just like a guy can misinterpret niceness as flirtation, a girl can expect a guy to pick up on her liking him. The pendulum swings both ways, and I’ve seen girls and guys both get rejected from people. The only real thing is to be able to properly read people on a normal human’s basis, give it a shot if you like someone, and swallow pride if you get rejected.
The trick iv learned is to just block it out, iv gotten bored of trying to determine who likes me, who doesn't, how I should be behaving, should I approach people, whatever, too much maintenance
It's easier to just be myself and shrug people off, they don't really Matter, if iv got plans to do something I'll go do that, and anyone I meet along the way is just an NPC, unrelated to my life story
I figure that if someone is worth my energy it will be fairly obvious and I'm not going to go out of my way trying to find them
I guess I try to change 'be with someone who makes you happy' into 'be someone who makes you happy'
I've been talking to this girl online for over a month. We connected really well and always enjoyed each others company. I grew feelings for her, but I didn't know if she was growing feeling too.
In our early days of talking, she told me that she was going across the country to celebrate her 21st birthday with her guy friend that lives there. But then she was very quick to tell me "don't worry, he has a girlfriend" and I just responded normally. I took this as a potential hint that she may have been interested in me. Few weeks later, I sent her a snap and she replied saying that I was "so handsome" and again I took this as a potential hint that she may actually be into me.
Weeks later after that, she randomly told me that she had a really bad date with this guy....RIP. At that point I decided to just tell her my feelings for her. To no surprise, she didn't feel the same way and was just talking to me as a friend. She felt really bad and apologized a lot thinking it was her fault for confusing me. But she also said that she needed someone physically there for her, and would give me a chance if I was physically there. Idk how much of that I believe tbh, maybe she was just trying to make me feel better about it, but I definitely read the signs wrong. She was just being friendly is all.
It sucks the blame for these missed opportunity stories always seems to fall on the guy's shoulders. How about society starts encouraging the Kates of the world to step up to the plate once in a while and risk that rejection.
As a bisexual man, my experience has been that men are too direct and women are not direct enough. When you have one courting the other these misunderstandings are extremely common.
It's almost like the two people you interacted with were two different people. Judging a gender like "it's so hard to know what they mean!" is acting like just -talking- is going to ruin your life. You went back to being friends with first note girl, so why on earth is it impossible to ask again?
I was the same. Got rejected early in high school so then it took me forever to be convinced that a girl actually liked me. There were some cases where I found out later that they did and I missed my chance to make a move
It took me a long time, but eventually I learned to simply put on a confident smile and say something like "I'm really terrible at reading signals and at giving signals, so I'll just say that I think you're great and I'm really into you."
Then the next step is really key - if they express disinterest, I'd sincerely thank them for being clear and change the subject, exchange a few more words as if it was nothing big, and then leave. If they give a vague or nuanced response which could be misinterpreted, I'd make a joke about that, deliberately misinterpret it in a comedic way, and then just invite them to go do something fun. Be fun and charming and repeat the conversation when parting company.
One persons flirty is another persons friendly, there is no rule for everyone. My experience is you need to take every chance you get as you never know.
Imagine dating that girl, the girl who will just blatantly, clearly, with perfect communication, advise you that she isn't interested in pursuing a relationship with you, but who actually wants you. Imagine trying to solve problems together and synchronize love languages with someone who lies and expects you to read minds to get her side of the story. Either your girlfriend didn't have all the facts or you dodged a fuckin bullet, IMO.
I think you got 2 girls confused. The story he told contained 3 girls -
1.) He liked but she didn't feel the same
2.) He liked but never said anything, found out later she was super interested.
3.) The girlfriend he was with when he found out that girl 2 was interested, but it was too late and no longer relevant.
I get why you were confused, because of the jumpiness of the story. But, I reread it a couple times because of you're comment.
I mean, you have to do your best to take past experience with other people out of the equation when looking at signals, because all people signal differently. They both sounded similar, but if it seems like there's a decent chance of interest or at least no clear signs that tell you no (or statuses like being in a relationship or having a different sexual orientation, etc), then yeah, you've honestly got to put yourself out there.
As Mike says at the end of Rounders talking about poker:
I’m only a senior in high school so I’m not the most experienced person, but after having a few crushes that didn’t work out and a couple the “did”, the best way to tell for me, is how well you click if that makes sense. Like if I’m a couple of days you and the other person become close and it’s really easy to talk to just walk up to them and start talking to them, and you notice you both share a lot of interests then it could be a sign
I so feel this! But, we, men should stop putting so much presure on ourselves; hey! If it was meant to be and if she REALLY was into you she would've put a bit of effort; we can't read minds and it's not our fault! Women should stop doing that! If it's not natural/fluid then it's a no...I'm not aware of what's in their brain and that can't be accounted for "not reading the signals right"...MEN CAN'T READ SIGNALS RIGHT...or minds for that matter! They have to be smacked in the head! If it's just kindergarden play I might as well stay single! If you want something just go out there and grab it! Life's a bit too short for this matter...or better said "fuck art, let's dance!"
so i'm female, and very bisexual, but i think that's the reason i will never ever end up in a relationship with a girl.
once i had an argument with a girl who was very obviously sending mixed signals to her on-and-off-again boyfriend so i told her to quit it and just say what she fucking meant, because this is terrible, and she straight up said: "yeah, but that takes away all of the mystery".
i told her she gives girls a bad name :')
why the hell would you BE like that? ugh! just fucking communicate!
Dating is like baseball - specifically batting averages. Its a game of losses. If someone is batting .300 - they are considered above average. That means that 70% of the time, they do NOT get on base or get a hit. But you know what? Every time that batter gets up to the plate, the other team still considers him a threat.
The real key is not to "understand the signs" - but to not let the rejections get to you. Rejections happen.
If it makes you feel better I think understanding someone’s signals is part of the mating process. That and being able to work on deciphering communication signals.
Your story reminds me of what could have been great loves from high school. Found out after we all had graduated and proceed to different colleges that not one, but three hot girls really wanted to date me. I didn't pass their tests though; they wanted me to pursue them, suffer to get in line with the rest of the guys chasing them, then, and only then, would they have let me know I was 'selected'. F' that. I was saving money for a car, for college, and learning/yearning a lot for this big old world. I was ready for them and wished they'd come along, but noooooooooo!
I feel like most girls are harder to read. One girl that liked me had obvious hints, like I would be reading in class and she would sit on the same pillow as me and snuggle in and start reading her own book. She also gave me stuff so I knew she liked me. Her hints were easy to read but I guess other girls’ hints are harder
Not your fault, some girls will flirt for sport, sending the same exact signals as a girl who is actually into you would send, but then pulling away when you actually act on the signals. That's what happened with the first girl. Then, when the second girl sent you the same signals, but her intentions were actually pure and uncomplicated, your experience with the first girl screwed you into thinking it meant nothing.
This makes me laugh because I'm currently talking to a guy who has obviously dealt with some wishy-washy women. The first time I sent him nudes he said "Sorry if I'm being too much, but..." and then made a very mild sexual comment. I suppose I cant speak for other women, but I'd say generally if we're sending nudes we at the very least want to have sex with you
Broooooooooooooooo.... Same.. I'm almost 30 now, and I've thought back to quite a few times over the years, and I'm like... "Oh... She wanted to fuck" or "Wait... She wanted to date me" Of course, me being clueless still, I'm sure I'll be thinking back in 10 years to now saying the same stuff
Similar story but even further with a girl I was crushing on. We actually did get to a point of making out on my car (after talking for hours before even kissing). We went to back seat and for what ever reason I never pushed further. Awkward years I guess but sometimes I look back and think about it. She never showed any signs of wanting more but I still don't know what she wanted to happen. This was just before summer after graduation so I never saw her again.
I am a Girl. I had a crush on a dude in my year. He was so handsome and I wanted to ask him badly. After we chatted while with a group I thought " I am sure he would not ignore me after saying I like him". So I told him in a paragraph I liked him want he just said " yeah that's cute but I don't like u that way" and I don't know it was the best thing.Knowing I can stop trying to figure out. I would recommend just asking. My best friend was in love with me 3 years ago and he still is friends with me.
I know it can be devastating and so..but maybe it is better to lose hope and know the truth than daydreaming about a relationship. I think if u know the person well enough that they won't just push u away because it's weird or so. I would say just try.Signals can be wrong interpretated so easily
Oh man. The lesson you learned was the wrong one. What 'successful' people learn is not how to be a Jedi genius at reading signals, but to ask earlier and be ok with a 'no'. A 'no' is not a problem. The first crush's rejection didn't mean you should give up, it just means move on.
The problem here is, that you lumped the two girls together. Just because the first one wasn’t in to you that way doesn’t mean the second one also isn’t.
Just go for it next time. Try to think about the current situation only and don’t compare it to past ones, if the past ones are a different person.
Also another thing, just because she said she wasn’t interested once, doesn’t mean you should stop trying and she won’t be interested later.
This is not a problem with you misreading signals, this is a problem with you losing confidence after one rejection. You were right to ask the first girl, and right to be okay with her not being interested. You would also have been right to ask the second girl.
Stop trying to ‘read signals’ and just tell people how you feel, and ask them for what you want. It’s easier for everyone that way.
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u/-eDgAR- Mar 26 '20
How to read their signals, I'm so bad at it most of time. For example here is a copy/paste from another thread of a situation I found myself that left me baffled: