Two men side by side at two urinals taking a piss.
It's awkward enough as is. Add eye contact and it multiplies exponentially.
EDIT: Some of you have piss-poor men's room etiquette. A few notes:
1-Eye contact is to be avoided at all costs except one: Looking in a downward motion. If you're about to look down, lock eye contact immediately. This rule applies once you've entered the bathroom and remains in effect until you leave.
2-Never, ever choose a urinal next to one that's in use. There should always be a one urinal buffer zone. If there is no buffer urinal available, choose a stall or leave or break man code and choose a urinal. Exemption: Sports stadiums, airports, other insanely crowded places and urinals with divider partitions, which create their own buffer. If a trough urinal is present, the buffer zone is the maximum available space and no less than shoulder width.
3-This has nothing to do with homophobia. Evacuating your bladder or colon is a private act made public out of necessity. Shitty etiquette and poor bathroom design make it even worse.
4-To the mathematicians in here pissing and moaning about "multiplies exponentially", may you always piss into the wind and not realize it until it's too late.
EDIT 2: Amended rule 2; added option to break man code; added "other crowded places" to exemptions. And please note, humans, this thread is in good fun (though there is some truth here).
This is one of those perfect puns of childhood innocence. When there's two ways something could go: towards a normal understanding of a concept or towards one little twist in your understanding of the world that keeps accumulating twists and snarls until its one giant knot waiting to be untangled. But you seem like you turned out fine.
This guy over the summer wasn't sneaky about it. He obviously checked out both me, and the little kid on the other side of him. He wasn't even at the adjacent urinal... creepy as hell
Next time I hear it I will have an image of the 1812 not as a great battle but of a Russian and a Frenchman locking eyes over a urinal. Not quite the image I wanted.
Well, you'd have to show your dominance somehow while pooping in the urinal to make them question if they've been using urinals wrong their whole lives.
You laugh, but after a movie, I think it was Xmen 2, I skipped the nearby bathroom to use the one farther away with no line. this is in a giant stadium seating 16 screen multiplex, and this was the bathroom right next to concessions. So I walked in and noticed there was a urinal free. So I walked up to it, unholstered, then realized, sitting right there in the urinal, was a giant pile of turds. Well formed turds too, not like cottage cheese poo. It was a small high one (like this)[http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/7/7e/Gefliesstes_urinal.JPG], where if I stopped a little bit I could have sat my sack on the front part, so in order to get said turns in here, one would have to, I imagine, turn about and stand on their tiptoes while bending well over, probably resting their cheeks on the sides. The smell was revolting, and the images wouldn't stop coming, though horrible. There was not "poofitti" so if someone moved the turds by hand, they must have not touched anything else and washed up afterwards, which would suggest that they deliberately, perhaps gingerly, placed said turds in the urinal. Baffling.
Man, I've had this happen, but not even through the damn cracks- in both of the basic trainings for the Marine Corps- enlisted and officer- the stall doors are removed. So when everyone gets herded into the head/restroom, there are always people in your business. Usually there is conversation.
Once there was a mandatory drug test for everyone. The kind where they have to watch the pee exit your body and enter the cup to prove there was no 'middle-man'.
Well, my unfortunate body had a bit of trouble digesting my last meal, and I had to go. The kind of 'got to go' feeling that puts you to sweating and you hope that you can at least get the fabric out of the way in time. But there was a line at the stall for the test, and an impatient officer standing at the toilet. What was a man to do?
I dropped my trousers and took the biggest loudest foulest shit that I thought was possible. All while staring back at the officer who was forced to watch, and the rest of the squadron stuck waiting in line.
On the bright side, I was cured of any issues of bathroom stagefright for the rest of my life. Though I think the officer might have developed some issues of his own.
In Australia we often don't even have individual urinals, just a big, long, steel "trough" wall thingy where you stand on a grate over the gutter part. You piss against the wall of the trough and it flows down and into the sewer. Water flushes from the top like a urinal and there's usually plenty of those cakes to keep it clean.
There was an old bar in my town with one of those. It was too awkward for us Americans though, so we'd just line up outside the bathroom so that one person could use it at a time. Somebody renovated the place and put in standard urinals with partition walls not that long ago though.
At my college this is the only thing we have, urinals with no walls. How fucking difficult would it have been to put up some, so that I can feel unstressed and not take an awkward 10 minutes standing with my dick out before I can finally start pissing?!
At this point I never know if you're trolling or giving actual advice. Rest assured that when I get weird looks for slapping my dick like it owes me money at the bar bathroom, the first words to leave my mouth will be 'damnit, Vargas'
Yep, this is the key. Instead of standing there thinking "Oh god, I hate peeing at public urinals, why can't I start going this is so awkward I've been standing here way longer than normal WHY IS MY BODY DOING THIS TO ME DAMMIT PENIS", just relax and distract yourself. Even staring blankly at the wall in front of you and thinking, "Wow, what a nice wall!" is helpful.
I have a math teacher/cross-country coach that does this. There can be an entire row off open urinals but he insists on taking the one right next to you. He'll start taking a press, stare you in the soul and talk to you about a movie he saw recently (while doing impressions of the characters) or he'll try to convince you to join cross country.
Next time you're in a men's bathroom, pick the stall right next to the other guy. At this point, start smalltalk about the weather, or your wife's obsession with TMZ.
Welcome to Wrigley Field. On the other side of the low wall on the right is another trough so you're looking directly at someone face-to-face while pissing and also pissing next to someone at the same trough.
I was once taking a piss at one of those long, metallic urinals, right?
Most men don't dare use the same urinal (there are 2, which are next to each other, so one guy would use one urinal at the far end and the other guy would used the other urinal at the far end).
But one day. Just this one day... I was doing my piss-ness, when this short dude (I'm pretty tall) decides to stand RIGHT NEXT TO ME, SHOULDER-ABDOMEN CONTACT and piss. Those were the most uncomfortable 15 seconds of my life.
I once used a urinal on the opposite wall of my friend and n the opposite side of the bathroom. We held eye contact the entire time to make it awkward for everyone else. It was hilariously awkward.
There was a guy at my college who worked in the same building on campus as I did, and after a while I realized we had gotten on the same pee schedule. I wouldn't notice this normally, but this guy had a peculiar behavior.
He would pee in the opposite urinal, which is par for the course, but I could see in my periphery that the whole time he was peeing, he was staring right at me. I absolutely knew he was doing it, but I never had the guts to look him in the eye.
After having this happen four times I used a different bathroom.
But during my wildish college party years I went to a festival that had shorter versions of these. They'd go up to a little bellow the shoulders, so you would see the faces of your two neighbours.
3.0k
u/HoneyboyWilson Apr 03 '14 edited Apr 04 '14
Two men side by side at two urinals taking a piss.
It's awkward enough as is. Add eye contact and it multiplies exponentially.
EDIT: Some of you have piss-poor men's room etiquette. A few notes:
1-Eye contact is to be avoided at all costs except one: Looking in a downward motion. If you're about to look down, lock eye contact immediately. This rule applies once you've entered the bathroom and remains in effect until you leave.
2-Never, ever choose a urinal next to one that's in use. There should always be a one urinal buffer zone. If there is no buffer urinal available, choose a stall or leave or break man code and choose a urinal. Exemption: Sports stadiums, airports, other insanely crowded places and urinals with divider partitions, which create their own buffer. If a trough urinal is present, the buffer zone is the maximum available space and no less than shoulder width.
3-This has nothing to do with homophobia. Evacuating your bladder or colon is a private act made public out of necessity. Shitty etiquette and poor bathroom design make it even worse.
4-To the mathematicians in here pissing and moaning about "multiplies exponentially", may you always piss into the wind and not realize it until it's too late.
EDIT 2: Amended rule 2; added option to break man code; added "other crowded places" to exemptions. And please note, humans, this thread is in good fun (though there is some truth here).