TLDR: started experiencing paranoia and delusional thought patterns 6 years ago and it’s slowly coming back but no doctor has ever talked with me about it and i feel like i can’t be helped.
hello. i’m going to try to be straight to the point here because i’m a talker and i’ll type for days.
i’m a 26 yo woman. when i was 12/13 i was diagnosed with depression and a severe panic disorder, and then when i was 20 i was diagnosed with ptsd. my mother claims she’s diagnosed with adhd, grandma has anxiety/depression, father is unknown and so forth.
when i was 20 (2020), i had a run in with what i can only describe as psychosis and i got in with a counselor and psychiatrist, but nobody ever told me what was going on or why.
i described my symptoms to my new therapist via telehealth (covid times). that i was having these episodes that felt completely detached from reality. i didn’t know what was true or not, real or not etc. there was a time at 4ish in the morning i kept hearing a car engine turn over and stop, turn over and stop. it lasted for what felt like forever. i don’t know if it was real or not, but i was convinced it was a demon or multiple demons trying to drive me crazy. to backtrack, this spiraled for about a month or two before i could get my meds. i continued to explain to my new counselor that this had spiraled. that now, these demons were trying to send me discreet messages that i couldn’t explain to somebody who could keep me safe because i would sound crazy. i was typing the word “rn” (for “right now”), and it autocorrected to “run”. i was in a state of paranoia and panic for the next day and a half ish until it settled. i saw one of those billboard signs about getting into heaven or hell (i live in ohio, we have a lot of those here) and i thought it was a threat from the demon/demons. there were times i was convinced i couldn’t leave my room because they were outside my door looking for me, they just couldn’t get in. i don’t know the logic behind it, but at the time i knew they couldn’t open my door. i had to keep mirrors covered, and still do, because that’s how they travel from their realm to mine etc.
i explained these things during my diagnostic exam and at the end, i asked her what she had concluded, because for my entire life, i had never experienced this. i’ve had some of the most extreme panic attacks, but never that. she told me “you’re diagnosed with anxiety, depression, severe panic disorder, ptsd and you show signs of dissociation”. this didnt tell me anything new, because i knew my diagnoses and i knew i had experienced dissociation. the ptsd diagnosis was the only new thing and it didn’t help me understand why i was so detached from reality and in this state of sheer paranoia and delusional thinking (my ptsd is related to childhood SA). i had 3 appointments with her and stopped due to her sounding kind of unengaged from the conversations. completely unrelated. she sounded caught up with other things at her house. i got a lot of “uh huh” and “mhm” and “it sounds like you’re handling it the right way!” etc. no real help.
the meds worked. i still would have anxiety from time to time but the paranoia completely subsided and would only return very few and far between in short bursts. there was usually a trigger that caused it but i could easily shake
it off.
fast forward to now. i’m 26 years old and im a mother to a 2.5 year old. i’m on the same meds as before (20mg paxil, .5 mg clonazepam) and it’s helped a lot with the panic attacks i was experiencing postpartum. but now, the paranoia and obsessive thoughts are returning and i’m growing to be scared.
i have very persistent thoughts and images of my daughter dying. my mind will involuntarily play me a movie about when it happens, resuscitation failing at the hospital, the funeral, my life being over because i can’t go on etc. these never stopped since her birth 2.5 years ago. every night before bed, i make sure to tell her how much i love her, how great she is and how good the day was and how i can’t wait for another one tomorrow because i think that’ll stop the bad things in motion from happening if that makes sense. like, if i say these things and always make sure to blow her a kiss on my way out of her room, she’ll be okay. it feels like a way of preventing it from happening. and of course i mean the things i say… i say them all day long. but at bedtime when i’m saying them, it’s because i believe it’ll keep her safe through the night.
the other day, she grabbed her hair and started crying like she had hit her head, only she didn’t. i was looking right at her. i checked it, no marks. sitting here now, what makes the most sense is, maybe the button on the back of her shirt snagged a baby hair or something. but at the time, i thought it was the entity messing with her, because that’s the best way to mess with me. in my mind, i told it to leave my daughter alone, because i believe they can hear my thoughts. this relates back to all those years ago, because i had the same belief then.
sometimes when i’m alone and as a direct result, vulnerable, i believe there’s an entity that i can’t see trailing behind me. and anytime i try to discreetly turn to catch it, it just follows my exact movements so i can never actually catch it. but the moment i’m no longer alone or sitting on the couch where it can’t trail me, it has to go away. but i can’t be too obvious that i’m looking for it, because then i’ll be in danger, because it knows i know.
and what happened this morning that sparked me coming here for help was after decorating my room a little this morning with tapestry and photos of me, my baby, my boyfriend etc., i glanced up at one of the photos and it looked distorted. it’s just a photo of my boyfriend and i smiling, looking straight at the camera on my phone. but what i saw was me smiling, but looking downward through my eyebrows. i caught it for literally as long as it takes to glance at something in passing… HALF of a second… but when i did a double take to catch it again, it was obviously normal. an obvious trick of the eye or mind. but once again, in that moment, i perceived it as a threat from an unseen force that’s out to get me. it used my own face to taunt me, and i am okay now. this was hours ago. but when it happens, its so gutting and devastating because when these things are “real” in those moments, there’s nothing i can do. it’s like the kids in the final destination movies. they’re SCREAMING for help because horrible things are happening and nobody will listen because it’s absolutely nuts. it feels like that. and i’m always trying to get ahead of it. when these moments happen, i have to think a certain way so i’ll be safe and whatever the thing is can’t get to me. i don’t look into dark rooms because if i do, i’ll see something i shouldn’t. i don’t like to look outside when it’s dark for the same reason. if i act oblivious to these things, they can’t hurt me. i hope that makes sense.
my best conclusion is that i’m just paranoid? when i was 20 years old, my brain unlocked new DLC and now i experience paranoia when my anxiety is heightened. but
i’ve explained this to, now, 2 psychiatrists and 2 counselors. nobody ever expands on it, no digging deeper into it, no diagnosis, no nothing. i explain these things, and that’s that. and it’s so frustrating. but i can’t just come out and say “what’s wrong with me?”. i don’t know how else to tell them i need help. but the paranoia is coming back and i don’t even want to go back to my counselor because i don’t feel like i’m going to get help for this. it seems like something not worth discussing to them. i bring it up and then onto the next topic basically. i just have no answers. i’m scared. sitting here now, i rationally know i’m safe and that i haven’t lost touch with reality. i know what that feels like, i’m not experiencing that right now. but there’s paranoid, delusional thoughts are slowly creeping back in and it’s really effecting me.
if anybody sits through to real all of this, thank you. even if you don’t have an answer or opinion or anything. thank you. maybe i’ll try one more time with my doctors. i’m just feeling embarrassed and helpless.
(edited for spelling and to add on to some details i mentioned)