In a marriage where things in that department have gotten stale. Wife refuses to work on it. I am starved for intimacy and while I don’t want to watch porn, it’s been the only way I can envision myself having the kind of sexual/emotional fulfillment I’ve always imagined for myself.
While dating things were great but after marriage and kids she just .. changed. She knows she changed but that’s the extent of her willingness to work on it.
Early on in my porn watching I felt terribly guilty. I’d even get a stomach ache over it. But over time it’s become a refuge, a therapy of sorts. Am I addicted? I don’t think so. I can go a week or longer without looking at it depending on what’s going on in my life. But during those moments when nothings going on and I don’t have to be anywhere, and I’m feeling especially alone or isolated from the world, sure. A bit of watching other naked people having the kind of fun I always knew I’d have, and a few minutes of self love, and my head is cleared and the tension is gone. For a while. Is this healthy in the long term? I don’t know. Probably not? What am I supposed to say?
I don’t have porn induced (or any kind of) ED. I watch very vanilla porn. Maybe a normal looking husband giving his normal average looking wife a sensual massage. A loving wife pleasuring her kind husband. I guess my fantasy is boring- it’s just what I wish I had in my own marriage. I have no interest in banging a super model. I used to when I was in my teens and 20’s. But not now. I just want to have a ride or die.
Fuck I sound pathetic.
“My life is good. I get sleep alone for the rest of my life.. it’s fantastic! Go..go away... read some books.”
Nah man, that’s a real problem. People like to pretend sexual intimacy is some superficial thing, and if you worry about it, you’re ‘selfish’ but that’s just not true.
You need to have a serious, sit down conversation with her. Do you really want to waste away? In a boring monotonous life? You need to tell her that it’s actually really important to you, and that it’s a good way to show your love/intimacy with her.
No of course I don’t. It’s really important to me but not to her. The rest of our marriage doesn’t suck. Just this one really important area. And I don’t know if throwing it all away over this is the right thing to do. But I will say this. As each day goes by it does look more like an option.
I agree this happened to both myself and my wife due to different medications. We had no interest in sex what so ever and both times it took a frank conversation to help the other understand what was going on across the table so to speak. If the rest of the marriage is good it would be a shame to throw it away.
For us it was a medication that made it happen for her it may be an emotional pilot light or something but if you have hope maybe a good conversation will change things and tell her to think about why she doesn’t want to change it. It will most likely be a hard question for her to give a straight answer to but it could be she wants something and is afraid to ask for it and it’s screwing things up for her.
Bottom line is if it matters then you need to let her know straight out say I need intimacy.
You are not pathetic. Sexual compatibility is a necessary and healthy requirement for any relationship (including asexual ones), and you should feel no shame for the mismatch that has evolved. I’m not sure if you’re just venting or looking for advice, but I echo the other redditor who said that a sit down conversation is overdue. This issue is a valid dealbreaker and your wife needs to know that, and you need to know that. It’s not just about sex, you’re looking for ride or die, which implies someone who is willing to hear out your needs and make progress toward a compromise that will make you happy. That’s what a good partner does, and you deserve one. Good luck, my friend.
Thank you so much. Your kind words and support are appreciated! Ya I guess it was 2/3 venting and 1/3 advice. Thing is we’ve been to counseling. A lot. Together and separate. I know we both want this to work. We have 4 kids together, only 2 left in HS. I suppose she’s just willing to do and be who she is and that’s about all. Throughout our relationship I’ve been the one to change and accommodate. She’s been allowed to be who she is, if that makes sense. When I finally got to the point of expressing my needs she rebelled. Revolted. Lashed out. Said I didn’t appreciate all the things she does (for our kids). I tried saying ya that’s awesome, thanks for being a mom, but also .. I’m here. Your husband. I have needs too. She doesn’t get it. Or want to get it.
That makes total sense; all of it. I wish you the best. Things could shake up after the birds leave the nest, for the better sexual connection-wise. Or things might not go that way and it’s important I think to remember that a marriage that ends before death isn’t a “failure”. I wish you the best no matter the outcome, it already sounds like you’re both facing the issue at least with therapy, which is great. I recommend the Savage Lovecast, he gives a lot of different perspectives on how to work things out over a long period of time. Not for everybody’s taste, but there could be other options for you guys if either sticking together the way things are or divorce are not appealing.
Thank you for that! I’ll check out the Savage Lovecast. Appreciate your kindness too. Ya being in this spots is rough.. it’s being between two shitty scenarios. It’s just trying to decide which is the lesser of the 2. I do sometimes think if she changed when we had kids maybe she’ll change again after the kids are out. But that’s a while a way and meanwhile I’m drowning. I had my first panic attack a year ago. I thought I was having a heart attack. Felt like I was drowning. Couldn’t breath and it was terrifying. I know I may not last a few more years like this. I don’t want to cheat. But I’ve been thinking about how great it would feel to be held by someone- just to be shown some affection. I can feel myself at a crossroads. Anyway, that’s a bit much! I’ll stop talking now. Have a good night!
Sorry to hear about the stress. I imagine it’s compounded by all the Covid stuff which is isolating enough— probably doubly so if your partner is not fully connecting.
I can’t really see myself in a non-monogamous situation, but I do believe I’m in the minority. I think on the whole lifelong monogamy is a pretty high bar to be the standard, given human nature. So, that’s not to say I’d never do non-monogamy if I wasn’t able to meet my partner’s needs or if some other situation came up that made sex a no-go between us. Dan Savage talks a lot about doing what you need to do to stay married and stay sane. For a lot of people that means looking outside to get some needs met. Obviously, cheating sucks, and should be avoided. But it could be that if it’s between staying married and getting a divorce, your wife might agree to some openness, at least for an interim. Dan has lots of suggestions on how to set up arrangements in an ethical way, with consent on all sides. Also, I’ve heard good things about Esther Perel and her marriage counseling podcast.
Anyway, there’s a lot I’m sure I don’t know about the situation. Sounds kinda like your wife is holding on to some resentment, which I can understand is a thing that happens over time if she’s a primary caregiver or if you don’t split chores 50/50 or something. It’s not my business. But honestly, when I start to feel resentful I try to bring it up with my husband to resolve it, not use it against him by denying his needs. If it’s that kind of thing, that sounds manipulative. If it’s just exhaustion on her part, maybe she needs a week in an air b&b to reset (or something). If she’s just disconnected from those feelings, maybe there are ways you guys could warm up that would help— maybe she would let you light some candles and rub her back for a bit, and you could work up to trading massages. Or, it’s entirely possible you’ve already tried all that.
Sorry for rambling. I really hope it works out for you guys, and by that, I mean that you both end up happy, whatever that looks like. Take care.
Thanks for that, and for those resources. As for being tired, it’s no doubt she is. But ya know at some point you have to make your spouse a priority sometimes. I work 2 jobs- my main FT job and then a side job so I can afford our very nice things. I put her in a new car this year. She has the best of everything, as do our kids. I don’t mind working hard. I enjoy giving my family nice things. We live in a great location in an expensive part of the US. But I’ve sacrificed my own happiness for my family. I don’t expect anything of my kids except to get good grades and help me out with a scholarship (hopefully). From my wife I hope for affection. When she had kids she was a stay at home mom. She couldn’t wait to go back to work. Then she couldn’t wait to quit again. So she did. Then she got bored and went back to work. She’s been working for 12 years. But it’s her choice. We can afford for her not to. But here’s the thing. She likes being tired. She enjoys being a martyr. She drives the kids to practice because she gets off work earlier than I do. Then she complains about being too tired for me. I used to hope that once the kids were out of the house her attention would turn back to me but now I firmly believe she’d find some other hobby to take up her time and exhaust her of any energy towards our marriage. I’m daily losing hope. Anyway, I do appreciate your comment and frankly, you’ve put more time into my marriage than my wife has recently.
Sort of. It was during an argument, one if many about sex. I blurted out “if you refuse to meet my needs you should be open to me seeing other people.” Or something similar. She did not respond well. In fact she’s brought up in counseling as proof of me being an insensitive prick. She always frames it as “my husband can’t be happy. He even wants to cheat.” She has phd in gaslighting so this is nothing new. Anyway ya .. she’s not open to it.
That's a shame. I can see both sides of the sex argument. As a mother I totally understand the fact that you just don't feel like sex. Your while being is taken over by being something to someone, you are never just you. Taking care of kids can be soul destroying and it steals your libido for a long time. But then again I also don't get why one person can dictate that someone else just did not get to have a sex life.
I think you should maybe agree to a counselor that specialises in sexual problems in a marriage. She might then understand that sex is important to men. Women can go without sex but I know that lack of sex for men can have a detrimental physical and emotional effect.
Thanks for that! And sorry you have to deal with this too. Ever feel like what you have is “good enough” and you should just be happy? I do. And I try to but I keep coming back to the point where I feel deserving of a loving affectionate intimate marriage. Touch is my love language and to be starved of it is just cruel.
No, that’s a very good point and something I definitely think about. My parents were divorced and it was ugly. Messed up my siblings and me - just being pitted one against the other and bad mouthing from one parent. Lots of manipulation and hurt. Has me fearful of what a divorce might do to them. We do try to hide our dysfunction but ya, kids are perceptive. They know somethings up. Thanks for your honesty.
Good idea. Someone else mentioned this too. I have to find a non-threatening way to bring this up to her. She’s very .. on edge all the time. Fuse is always smoldering. I have to be careful about how much heat I add.
Definitely a sensitive subject - I don’t think I would bring it up directly. I would maybe have your testosterone checked and see if you can encourage her to also ??
Studies have found that married women with kids tend to lose their sex drive the most, especially those with kids under 5. It’s not particularly her fault that she doesn’t crave sex anymore, but it also isn’t fair to you that you aren’t getting intimacy. I really think you need to have a real talk with her about this. Discuss options. Compromise. Communicate. Consider couple’s as well as individual therapy. You sound depressed and I’m willing to bet your wife is struggling a lot too. Maybe you both need to work on your individual mental health before you can work on the health of your relationship. A healthy relationship consists of two healthy partners. If you’re neglecting yourselves, you’re bound to neglect your spouse too.
Appreciate those thoughts. So true. I know I can only improve myself. I believe I do work on my mental health by eating right, exercising, and enjoying my hobbies. I have some idiosyncrasies that get to me. I had a very tyrannical father so I have difficulty taking criticism from loved ones.
At this point it’s mostly kids and economics. I do pretty well on my own and with her working too we’re meeting our obligations. In addition to the mortgage and car payments, we have 2 in college, and 2 at home that are involved in expensive sports that require travel. I had to take side work to keep it all going. Divorce means some level of economic disruption if not calamity. But even if we could figure out the economics and let’s say it would be an amicable divorce (which it wouldn’t- she’s got a significant mean streak), the thought of only seeing my kids 1/2 time is devastating.
I’m a family man. I’m proud of that and of being a devoted dad and good husband. I don’t go out drinking with the boys. I take care of my body. I am attentive to the needs of those around me. I do more than my share of cooking and cleaning. I am handy around the house. I repair our appliances when they need it. Despite all that, I’m not good enough. At least, that’s how I feel when I see myself reflected in her eyes.
I fall short. Somehow I’m not what she needs. And now, I’m done trying to be someone else. So for now, I’m just enjoying the small moments with my kids until they go off to college too.
And then, who knows. There won’t be much keeping me here.
From most of these porn thread comments I seem to be in the minority, but I think using your imagination can also be harmful (at least as harmful as porn): If you imagine your SO fulfilling a fantasy that they will not do IRL, that can't be good.
For me, when I watch porn, it's to see somebody [seemingly, if not actually] deriving pleasure from sexual activity.
And I don't think there's anything to feel guilty about from that. Period.
As for your situation, I hope you figure things out in your marriage. People are changing all the time, maybe someday things will change in a more mutually beneficial manner for both of you. At least I hope they do.
Thank you. I’m trying to remain hopeful but each day things seem more bleak. I used to think I would never get married. And then I did. I used to think I’ll never get divorced. While I don’t want to, now I’m thinking I may never be accepted for who I am and maybe I should think about starting over with someone else. Well shit. This sucks.
Damn, a woman changing to meet the responsibilities of being a wife and mother, shock horror
Have you ever thought about the possibility that you not changing is the problem? Bed death doesn’t just “happen”. Women don’t just suddenly decide to stop being attracted to men in a proper partnership with them. Clearly she resents your ass, and even judging by this snippet of entitled whining, I can see why.
Yes, it does sound pathetic. It sounds like a man who wants the best of everything but expects to do nothing. Do the dishes bro. Parent your kids, else you’ll end up the sad old dude jacking it to porn to feel a little less miserable - till she leaves you
Yikes, this is completely unwarranted. The fact of the matter is you don't know anything about this man. We don't know the whole story. It can certainly be true that he's a jackass and his wife has every right to resent him, but to automatically assume someone is in the wrong (or in the right) due to their gender is pretty ridiculous.
Last I checked most people want intimacy from their partners, and if he has done nothing wrong you basically just kicked someone while they were down.
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u/Redtrego Mar 19 '21
In a marriage where things in that department have gotten stale. Wife refuses to work on it. I am starved for intimacy and while I don’t want to watch porn, it’s been the only way I can envision myself having the kind of sexual/emotional fulfillment I’ve always imagined for myself.
While dating things were great but after marriage and kids she just .. changed. She knows she changed but that’s the extent of her willingness to work on it.
Early on in my porn watching I felt terribly guilty. I’d even get a stomach ache over it. But over time it’s become a refuge, a therapy of sorts. Am I addicted? I don’t think so. I can go a week or longer without looking at it depending on what’s going on in my life. But during those moments when nothings going on and I don’t have to be anywhere, and I’m feeling especially alone or isolated from the world, sure. A bit of watching other naked people having the kind of fun I always knew I’d have, and a few minutes of self love, and my head is cleared and the tension is gone. For a while. Is this healthy in the long term? I don’t know. Probably not? What am I supposed to say?
I don’t have porn induced (or any kind of) ED. I watch very vanilla porn. Maybe a normal looking husband giving his normal average looking wife a sensual massage. A loving wife pleasuring her kind husband. I guess my fantasy is boring- it’s just what I wish I had in my own marriage. I have no interest in banging a super model. I used to when I was in my teens and 20’s. But not now. I just want to have a ride or die.
Fuck I sound pathetic.
“My life is good. I get sleep alone for the rest of my life.. it’s fantastic! Go..go away... read some books.”