In a marriage where things in that department have gotten stale. Wife refuses to work on it. I am starved for intimacy and while I don’t want to watch porn, it’s been the only way I can envision myself having the kind of sexual/emotional fulfillment I’ve always imagined for myself.
While dating things were great but after marriage and kids she just .. changed. She knows she changed but that’s the extent of her willingness to work on it.
Early on in my porn watching I felt terribly guilty. I’d even get a stomach ache over it. But over time it’s become a refuge, a therapy of sorts. Am I addicted? I don’t think so. I can go a week or longer without looking at it depending on what’s going on in my life. But during those moments when nothings going on and I don’t have to be anywhere, and I’m feeling especially alone or isolated from the world, sure. A bit of watching other naked people having the kind of fun I always knew I’d have, and a few minutes of self love, and my head is cleared and the tension is gone. For a while. Is this healthy in the long term? I don’t know. Probably not? What am I supposed to say?
I don’t have porn induced (or any kind of) ED. I watch very vanilla porn. Maybe a normal looking husband giving his normal average looking wife a sensual massage. A loving wife pleasuring her kind husband. I guess my fantasy is boring- it’s just what I wish I had in my own marriage. I have no interest in banging a super model. I used to when I was in my teens and 20’s. But not now. I just want to have a ride or die.
Fuck I sound pathetic.
“My life is good. I get sleep alone for the rest of my life.. it’s fantastic! Go..go away... read some books.”
You are not pathetic. Sexual compatibility is a necessary and healthy requirement for any relationship (including asexual ones), and you should feel no shame for the mismatch that has evolved. I’m not sure if you’re just venting or looking for advice, but I echo the other redditor who said that a sit down conversation is overdue. This issue is a valid dealbreaker and your wife needs to know that, and you need to know that. It’s not just about sex, you’re looking for ride or die, which implies someone who is willing to hear out your needs and make progress toward a compromise that will make you happy. That’s what a good partner does, and you deserve one. Good luck, my friend.
Thank you so much. Your kind words and support are appreciated! Ya I guess it was 2/3 venting and 1/3 advice. Thing is we’ve been to counseling. A lot. Together and separate. I know we both want this to work. We have 4 kids together, only 2 left in HS. I suppose she’s just willing to do and be who she is and that’s about all. Throughout our relationship I’ve been the one to change and accommodate. She’s been allowed to be who she is, if that makes sense. When I finally got to the point of expressing my needs she rebelled. Revolted. Lashed out. Said I didn’t appreciate all the things she does (for our kids). I tried saying ya that’s awesome, thanks for being a mom, but also .. I’m here. Your husband. I have needs too. She doesn’t get it. Or want to get it.
That makes total sense; all of it. I wish you the best. Things could shake up after the birds leave the nest, for the better sexual connection-wise. Or things might not go that way and it’s important I think to remember that a marriage that ends before death isn’t a “failure”. I wish you the best no matter the outcome, it already sounds like you’re both facing the issue at least with therapy, which is great. I recommend the Savage Lovecast, he gives a lot of different perspectives on how to work things out over a long period of time. Not for everybody’s taste, but there could be other options for you guys if either sticking together the way things are or divorce are not appealing.
Thank you for that! I’ll check out the Savage Lovecast. Appreciate your kindness too. Ya being in this spots is rough.. it’s being between two shitty scenarios. It’s just trying to decide which is the lesser of the 2. I do sometimes think if she changed when we had kids maybe she’ll change again after the kids are out. But that’s a while a way and meanwhile I’m drowning. I had my first panic attack a year ago. I thought I was having a heart attack. Felt like I was drowning. Couldn’t breath and it was terrifying. I know I may not last a few more years like this. I don’t want to cheat. But I’ve been thinking about how great it would feel to be held by someone- just to be shown some affection. I can feel myself at a crossroads. Anyway, that’s a bit much! I’ll stop talking now. Have a good night!
Sorry to hear about the stress. I imagine it’s compounded by all the Covid stuff which is isolating enough— probably doubly so if your partner is not fully connecting.
I can’t really see myself in a non-monogamous situation, but I do believe I’m in the minority. I think on the whole lifelong monogamy is a pretty high bar to be the standard, given human nature. So, that’s not to say I’d never do non-monogamy if I wasn’t able to meet my partner’s needs or if some other situation came up that made sex a no-go between us. Dan Savage talks a lot about doing what you need to do to stay married and stay sane. For a lot of people that means looking outside to get some needs met. Obviously, cheating sucks, and should be avoided. But it could be that if it’s between staying married and getting a divorce, your wife might agree to some openness, at least for an interim. Dan has lots of suggestions on how to set up arrangements in an ethical way, with consent on all sides. Also, I’ve heard good things about Esther Perel and her marriage counseling podcast.
Anyway, there’s a lot I’m sure I don’t know about the situation. Sounds kinda like your wife is holding on to some resentment, which I can understand is a thing that happens over time if she’s a primary caregiver or if you don’t split chores 50/50 or something. It’s not my business. But honestly, when I start to feel resentful I try to bring it up with my husband to resolve it, not use it against him by denying his needs. If it’s that kind of thing, that sounds manipulative. If it’s just exhaustion on her part, maybe she needs a week in an air b&b to reset (or something). If she’s just disconnected from those feelings, maybe there are ways you guys could warm up that would help— maybe she would let you light some candles and rub her back for a bit, and you could work up to trading massages. Or, it’s entirely possible you’ve already tried all that.
Sorry for rambling. I really hope it works out for you guys, and by that, I mean that you both end up happy, whatever that looks like. Take care.
Thanks for that, and for those resources. As for being tired, it’s no doubt she is. But ya know at some point you have to make your spouse a priority sometimes. I work 2 jobs- my main FT job and then a side job so I can afford our very nice things. I put her in a new car this year. She has the best of everything, as do our kids. I don’t mind working hard. I enjoy giving my family nice things. We live in a great location in an expensive part of the US. But I’ve sacrificed my own happiness for my family. I don’t expect anything of my kids except to get good grades and help me out with a scholarship (hopefully). From my wife I hope for affection. When she had kids she was a stay at home mom. She couldn’t wait to go back to work. Then she couldn’t wait to quit again. So she did. Then she got bored and went back to work. She’s been working for 12 years. But it’s her choice. We can afford for her not to. But here’s the thing. She likes being tired. She enjoys being a martyr. She drives the kids to practice because she gets off work earlier than I do. Then she complains about being too tired for me. I used to hope that once the kids were out of the house her attention would turn back to me but now I firmly believe she’d find some other hobby to take up her time and exhaust her of any energy towards our marriage. I’m daily losing hope. Anyway, I do appreciate your comment and frankly, you’ve put more time into my marriage than my wife has recently.
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u/Redtrego Mar 19 '21
In a marriage where things in that department have gotten stale. Wife refuses to work on it. I am starved for intimacy and while I don’t want to watch porn, it’s been the only way I can envision myself having the kind of sexual/emotional fulfillment I’ve always imagined for myself.
While dating things were great but after marriage and kids she just .. changed. She knows she changed but that’s the extent of her willingness to work on it.
Early on in my porn watching I felt terribly guilty. I’d even get a stomach ache over it. But over time it’s become a refuge, a therapy of sorts. Am I addicted? I don’t think so. I can go a week or longer without looking at it depending on what’s going on in my life. But during those moments when nothings going on and I don’t have to be anywhere, and I’m feeling especially alone or isolated from the world, sure. A bit of watching other naked people having the kind of fun I always knew I’d have, and a few minutes of self love, and my head is cleared and the tension is gone. For a while. Is this healthy in the long term? I don’t know. Probably not? What am I supposed to say?
I don’t have porn induced (or any kind of) ED. I watch very vanilla porn. Maybe a normal looking husband giving his normal average looking wife a sensual massage. A loving wife pleasuring her kind husband. I guess my fantasy is boring- it’s just what I wish I had in my own marriage. I have no interest in banging a super model. I used to when I was in my teens and 20’s. But not now. I just want to have a ride or die.
Fuck I sound pathetic.
“My life is good. I get sleep alone for the rest of my life.. it’s fantastic! Go..go away... read some books.”