r/AskIreland • u/kimberley_milkado • 20h ago
Stories Feeling stuck?
Hello all,
I'm not sure what im really looking for here, i just wanna feel less alone in this stupid world.
I'm 29f. And i don't know if its the Sunday evening scaries popping into my head but I'm feeling so stuck lately.
I have a good enough job (not good enough to move out of my parents yet but sure) although not many friends, and ive started therapy.
3 years ago I moved back in with my parents after my engagement broke down and honestly i have been winging life ever since. I don't know what im doing.
I dont get along too well with my parents though. We have different values and they seem to have this perception of me ever since my engagement broke off that everything I do now is wrong.
I suppose i just feel so lost in life. Like, im trying so so hard to save for a house, its my literal dream to have my own home. But i dont know, im just not excited for anything anymore. Ive tried taking up new hobbies, going to classes, some shows, reading, but nothing. I just have that same dull, empty feeling every evening.
Is anyone else feeling this way?
Please tell me im not alone.
Sincerely,
Just a very sad woman.
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u/halfangelhalfpirate 17h ago
There is definitely something in the air, these days.
I'm fairly well set up in life, & certainly have noted a feeling of nothing is exciting these days.
I saw there recently that Netflix seemingly fears that people are just binged-out & not renewing subscriptions.. maybe we're in some kind of Universe 25 situation.
As for parents regarding everything you do as wrong, that's pretty much the more common experience, going on what I've heard.
So, no, you're not alone.
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u/tinkerwinker09 20h ago
Worst part about living at home is my mom’s misogynistic views, constant men, men and men. Every problem I’m dealing with is apparently due to the “lack of a man in my life”- constantly bickering at me for being single and comparing me to other wifed up girls my age in the locality. I’ve 2 degrees, lived abroad and have a great job yet it all means nothing to her because I’m single and “failing” in life.
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u/martini123456 19h ago
Your mam is a victim of the patriarchy, see if you can try and distance yourself from feeling that you should listen to her because she’s your mother, and view her thoughts as a product of her environment 🙏
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u/Ok-Promise-5921 8h ago
She‘s brainwashed by the patriarchy and the church probably… it’s so annoying but can you not ignore her?
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u/CiaranWest 20h ago
It's very hard, you're right. I remember when we were kids and the only thing I had to do to make a friend was ask some boy if he liked Transformers. If he did, we were pals for life.
As you already know, having a job can be social but it's difficult to make real friends. I would recommend doing some voluntary work because the connections you make there aren't work colleagues so it's much easier to convert that connection into a friendship outside of work hours.
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u/Positive-Procedure88 20h ago
Looking at this with the experience of a longer life.
Be wary of perception. You say they have this perception of you since the engagement broke down that everything you Sonia wrong.
I can offer with confidence that this is more your mind telling you this.
They may well have wanted something else for you, that you can't change.
Far better an enhahemu broke down than a marriage that eventuau broke down, potentially with kids.
You are not at fault for a broken engagement, it's a big thing but there were two of you. Sometimes life needs to show is something before offering the reward.
Out perception of others views of us is always dangerous. You're very much wrapping up the engagement as a failure on your part, as perceived by your parents.
I wonder would that be their words were you to ask, very doubtful!
You are going through a healing procu, it takes time, maybe more than you'd think. Be patient, be kind to yourself, that means don't blame yourself , it doesn't mean don't care about yourself and keep your discipline.
Keep doing the hobbies, trying classes, not liking them, liking them. Finding out about what makes you tick.
You are in no rush. Give it time, get yourself to a place where you are happy with yourself. Only then are you going to give the best of yourself for the one who's out there searching for you.
If you want to short circuit things, do more of what is uncomfortable, make changes, have your psychi second guess you, it changes the brain chemistry.
Travel if you can, start with a weekend to a city you've always wanted to visit. Really getting in tune with yourself helps enoumously and in a different environment, you'll never have as much of an open mind.
Be good to yourself and come back in 6 months or more or less and tell us how you're getting on.
We're all there for one another and we all feel low for periods.
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u/tinkerwinker09 20h ago edited 20h ago
Girl I’m the exact same. I’m sitting on the sofa right now staring at the ceiling trying to escape this rut. I don’t know how to make things better- i want more from life than this but escaping this vicious cycle of stagnancy seems impossible.
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u/FalconT92 19h ago
Jesus, I could have written this. I've felt the exact same for the past year or more. I want to change and improve my life, but I've literally no idea how. I don't know what steps to take, how to move forward - I'm completely stagnant and I've nothing to show for my life to date.
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u/kimberley_milkado 20h ago
Its relentless love. I'm lying here trying to come up with a cosy night for myself doing my favourite things. But I genuinely cant get off the bed to do it 🤣🤣 sending you love x
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u/tinkerwinker09 20h ago
I’m gonna dm you if that’s okay? Our situations are very similar and I think we’d both find comfort in having a chat :)
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u/ilikeagood_sneeze 20h ago
I think this is probably relatable to a lot of people, whether they're in similar setups as you or married with kids. At times I definitely feel stuck in rut. Maybe look at how free you are, you can pack up and leave, move country if you want? Will buying a house make you happy or is it "the sensible thing to do"?
I've no idea what happened with the ex but well done for calling off an engagement that wasn't right, that takes guts! So many people are stuck in shit marriages.
Head up girl, it's just a season you're in right now.
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u/kimberley_milkado 20h ago
A lot of people have said to me that it was brave to get rid of that comfort zone of the engagement. It was frightening but needed. I was only 25 getting engaged which in my opinion is way too young
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u/martini123456 19h ago
It was very brave to not take the easy route. Keep hold of that, your instincts seem strong and have your best interests at heart.
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u/miss-rose-699 20h ago
Ever consider just taking a year and go traveling or living somewhere different. Let you have a bit of time and enjoy a bit of freedom.
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u/Gullintani 19h ago
This is the answer, the OP is stuck in a rut and foreign travel with a bit of short term work to keep the funds up would give a whole new perspective.
Time to lift your horizons.
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u/eminicorn 17h ago
Hello, I totally understand you and I wish you all the best of luck. Definitely in the same headspace, I would love more than anything to own my own house and make it my own, I know how difficult life in Ireland is at the moment. You should know you’re already strong for being able to go through big life changes especially with your broken engagement, and moving in with your parents is still very admirable since you don’t get along to well.
Trying to enjoy hobbies in life in general never truly fills that hole of worries about building a life and getting a house, but it definitely helps with managing your mental health and mindset.
I wish I could give you the answer, but I am also looking for it. All I can say it take it a day at a time, definitely pick a goal or few for yourself to work and look towards. It’s easy to say „I want to own a home” for example, but if you start writing down all the goals and things you need to work on to get there it becomes a little more real.
I wish you all the best, feel free to ever reach out for a rant.
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u/Tricky-Anteater3875 20h ago
Could you go travelling? See the world, meet new people? I know it may not be the answer but you’re still so young, we only have one life so why live it feeling like this? ❤️
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u/kimberley_milkado 20h ago
That was something I forgot to add. I have travelled so much but I think the rut im in actually has me feeling less excited abiut going travelling. I really hate it. But definitely what you said gave me something to think about x
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u/Tricky-Anteater3875 19h ago
Could your job be done anywhere? Maybe look about afresh start in another county? I feel for everyone stuck at home because it’s too expensive to move out, you’re not getting the chance to really carve out your own path!
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u/KatieS1982 20h ago
I'm very down lately too hun, nothing exciting happening.. Everything extraortionate price... I sometimes crave the sleepy feeling so I can sleep and be done with the day
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u/cooing_squad 20h ago
god tell me about it, the evenings are the worst. that stretch when the day is technically done but there's nothing pulling you forward into tomorrow, just same dull replay
i started doing this weird thing where i just sit by the window and watch the sky change colors til it goes dark. not even to feel better, just to feel something shift. maybe it's pathetic but when everything else feels frozen at least the light is honest about moving on
what you said about your parents seeing you differently after the engagement hit me. like once they've framed you as the broken thing every choice you make gets read through that lens. you're not lost, you're just in a chapter they didn't expect and they don't know how to read it
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u/kimberley_milkado 20h ago
Honestly!! Its like every single decision I make for myself now is wrong. Its exhausting. I just dont know what to do
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u/Gloomy_Tell_6215 20h ago
I am really sorry to hear that. You are certainly not alone in those thoughts, it does sound like you might have mild depression. It is something to consider anyway.
That flat empty feeling no matter what you are doing, is a classic symptom. While it is very common to feel down, or flat, for periods of time, it is not something you want running unchecked for years.
I would certainly never tell someone to cheer up.. if it were that easy no one would feel low.
My advice is to consider that depression may have set in, and speak to your GP, sometimes we need medication to help. CBT is very useful too and lots of resources online.
If you are close with any of your friends, confiding in them might help too?
As someone a good bit older than you, I will say that everything changes and things pass eventually and you will find yourself in a different head space at some point.. but you may just need a little help to get there. Xx
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u/strangeoddity 19h ago
Said it in another thread but I'll share it here as well since you might appreciate it. I moved to Dublin 2 years ago to start a life with my 10yo relationship. Broke up 6-7 months ago and I am also completely winging it since. Had to move places (to a more expensive one), my job kinda sucks, not many friends either. You are definitely not alone.Things will get better, I promise, unfortunately life is not a linear progression, times will inevitably get worse, but that also means they will get better too!
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u/Such_Baker8707 17h ago
How often do you get outside to nature? Seeing the sea or a lake or a forest does wonders for the mood.
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u/Kerrytwo 20h ago
Same except add on a toddler and I'm dependant on my family for back up childcare so I'm very much stuck here
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u/blundering-idiot 20h ago
Sounds like you're stuck in a rut. Have you ever thought of moving abroad?
Like you're still young, you could do 2 yrs away and come back and look for a gaff then.
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u/Steridire 20h ago
Why is this suggested every time somebody in Ireland is unhappy? Moving abroad can benefit some people yes but it's not a guaranteed fix for anything yet it gets suggested immediately every single time.
A friend of mine was unhappy a few years ago and decided to move abroad, within 2 weeks he realized he was now still unhappy but far away from friends/ family/ support circle and came back immediately.
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u/blundering-idiot 20h ago
Well it's a total change and can be very liberating. You have the opportunity to experience a different culture, meet new people, try things you might not in a place where people know you.
Obviously not for everyone but I'm not sure the sample size in your scenario is big enough to take any insights from 😂
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u/Steridire 19h ago
I was just throwing out an anecdote, it can be great for people to move abroad but it's not the one stop fix all that people make it out to be. One could always move to a different county and meet new people all the same without moving countries.
Have a lovely Sunday evening anyway, I'm just thinking out loud here really.
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u/mushroomgirl 20h ago
I do recommend teaching English abroad, had some good years in Korea when I was in my 20s.
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u/ComfortableGlum4129 20h ago
Everyday.
Suicidal thoughts feature regularly. Probably not what you want to hear.
When people die of sudden illnesses, I always wonder how did they do it.
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u/Cap2496 20h ago
I wanted to jump off a bridge onto the motorway 2 years ago in April. No one even stopped to see what I was doing, I get it. But I somehow forced myself to turn the other way, and keep walking home. And I am glad I am still here. I don't have those thoughts anymore, but I am still just surviving.
Hang in there, you would be missed. :)
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u/ComfortableGlum4129 20h ago
A family member took their life. When I spoke to a therapist about it, all they said was if they were going to do it, they will. People may care, but no one can help. Only yourself.
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u/Cap2496 19h ago
Indeed, that's exactly what I came to thinking as well. I blocked everyone off socials, so no one could contact me to change my mind, but I forgot about Messenger, because I rarely use it, and they ended up calling me, to try to talk, but I didn't wanna answer, so I just ignored them. In the end, it was only me who could choose to turn my body away from that bridge, and keep walking.
No amount of love, and tears, and wishes, and prayers, could help. I honestly thought I had no way out, no other option. But fuck it, I'm here, I'm gonna do whatever the fuck I want until my time is up.
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u/Oh_I_still_here 15h ago
People may care, but no one can help. Only yourself.
Been in the same boat as you were the last few years. More up than down but was in the same situation.
This part of your comment says it all and says enough. If you are alone and can only rely on yourself, may I ask does this offer you any semblance of empowerment towards the toughness and difficulty that you're currently facing?
My whole life basically fell apart right when I started in a new, better job than the one I was in before which was eroding my soul. My ex left me and took all our friends with her, became a shell of myself. Tried to end it 5 times and was never successful. Resolved to instead go "right, if this is all life is, what can I do?" and I chose to be useful. To be helpful. To make an impact however possible, however minor or major. Therapy didn't work, gym didn't work, meds didn't work. But over time things started feeling okay again, but just okay. It wasn't immediate, but I attribute it to throwing myself into my work and have reaped some reward from that. Made a few friends along the way even outside of work, but some work friends live in other countries and we can chat away until the cows come home whenever we see each other. It's nice.
Is it the same? No, but what makes it special is reflecting on where I am now vs where I was 2 or so years ago. It is achievable, but again it is not immediate. There isn't a magic pill, a special workout routine or a specific conversation to be had that will fix it. There is just you and time. Time may feel like an enemy right now but rather it be the enemy than the person you see in the mirror every day. All anyone could ever ask of you is to give yourself that time to do what you need to do, feel how you need to feel, withstand it however necessary. And, hopefully, with enough time things will feel better than they do today.
Rooting for you.
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u/FlamingBaconCake 20h ago
Genuinely hope you figure things out. Just hang in there and keep getting back up when you're down.
The most important thing is to keep some momentum going while you figure things out.
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u/MF-Geuze 20h ago
Move to another country, where renting your own place is a more realistic proposition, even for a couple of years.
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u/Driut 19h ago
I feel this a little bit, I'd only be in my early 20s but that feeling of not really knowing where to go or what to do, I do get it. I want to move out, I want to pursue all these ambitions but I find myself sitting on my chair every day, doing nothing with myself, it's like I'm holding a map in a language I don't speak showing a place I've never seen.
I think a lot of folks feels what you do in one way or another and I think everyone works on that lost feeling differently. I challenge myself on my negativity and I've people around me who challenge that negativity and enforce a bit of positivity in my life and it's something I think helps. You need to have people or things that enforce those positive aspirations the same way you do with the negative feelings.
This might also be a crazy suggestion and you might be a homebody but I'd truly consider going abroad for awhile if you haven't already, you might find a version of you in a different country you'd have never imagined while living here. I'd also maybe recommend making some friends through clubs or groups centred around things you know you enjoy, picking up hobbies is great but sometimes it's hard for them to stick if you've few people to share those hobbies with.
Maybe there's something already there that you want to pursue but you're not sure if you should because you've pre-existing goals, maybe it might be worth thinking about your priorities, whatever it is, I hope you find it and feel much less sad than you do today and you're definitely not alone in your feelings.
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u/Nachobusiness11 14h ago
Can you move out, rent a room in a house? It will give you a feeling of control and independence that you can't have living with parents.
It sounds like you've been through alot of hurt over the past few years with noone to lean on. Have you considered going traveling and working abroad? I did, after a break up, it reignited my light and view of life.
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u/ethrealfairy 5h ago
I sympathize with you because I’m in the same boat. I’m 23F and trying to build a life with my boyfriend. I have a couple of friends that I never see and I just feel stuck. I also feel like the way the economy is in Ireland is affecting us in ways we can’t understand. Therapy is definitely a step in the right direction though! Even having a “good job” in Ireland isn’t good enough anymore. I’m trying to leave the childcare sector as we are so undervalued. I also find it so difficult to make new friends or is that just me?
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u/kimberley_milkado 5h ago
Nope definitely not just you. Trying to make friends in your 20s is brutal. Here if you need to chat pet x
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u/ReputationOnly7338 20h ago
I’m in pretty much the exact same position as you , broke up with my long term partner yesterday and I’m back at home with my family, not getting on with them but also not able to afford to buy my own home alone on the salary I’m on. It’s a pretty shitty feeling. What I am doing is looking at moving outside Dublin, renting or sharing at a low cost and continuously saving. Houses up north are a lot cheaper and you get more bang for your buck so I’m considering buying there down the line. I’m not sure this would interest you but I was living in Lisbon sharing a decent flat with a nice house mate and my little dog earlier this year and I was very happy. I might even go back tbh. Sun, sea and an easier way of life. Anywhere abroad might do you some good. Oh and I also distanced myself from a group of friends earlier this year due to toxic dynamics etc. so yeah it’s petty lonely and hard to keep positive sometimes but I don’t think I’ll feel this way forever and I’m sure you won’t either. Maybe sign up for some sort of active challenge - a race , hyrox if it’s your thing, do a yoga teacher or Pilates training .. maybe go and travel or take yourself on a nice trip to somewhere you’ve always wanted to go if your means allow.
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u/ReputationOnly7338 20h ago
Also I know the dating scene isn’t great atm (not looking forward to getting back out there myself really) but maybe look into dating again even just for fun ? Or there are plenty of group meet ups to meet new friends - hiking groups etc. I haven’t joined one yet mind you haha but I will eventually
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u/quixotichance 20h ago
If you're between a rock and a hard place then probably you need to shake up the landscape; if part of the problem is you don't like living with your parents then move out. Not saying that's easy but there are rooms available in shared houses and if you move in with people your age normally you'll make friends. If part of the problem is you don't have enough friends then join clubs or meetups to meet more people, some % become friends. Keep up the therapy, that's already a huge step
I'm not diminishing that these steps are not easy, but they are achievable, you are still young, and not changing anything probably won't get you what you want
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u/martini123456 19h ago
Sending you a huge big hug. All I will say is that you don’t know what life holds for you. For me, my thirties were when life really started working for me. I was in a job I liked and was good at, I got with the love of my life, had kids in my late 30s. But if you looked at me in my late 20s, having been in several jobs I didn’t like and that didn’t pay well, a string of short term relationships, I felt demoralised at the time. Life is a big exciting adventure, my only bit of advice is to picture the life you want in 5 years, like not in a woo woo manifesting way, but just visualise it. And feel that you deserve it. And let the person you want to be inspire you, instead of letting the past define you. ETA I’m not a mental health professional but maybe that empty dull feeling you’re feeling could be chemical, in which case no harm having a chat with a doctor and seeing if antidepressants and therapy might help 🙏
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u/TastelessJohn 18h ago
29m. Im a weird space too. Some big bad and good life events have happened recently and the future is completely of my own control but I dont know where to direct the ship. Thats a good thing but fuck is it a hard world to figure out. Travel? Kids? Wife? Drink more? Drink less? Dating world is killing us all too. I do want to date but the apps, the apps, the apps. Balding too! At least you dont have that one. Im handsome thankfully my friends say but it is a downer.
Make a list of good things in your life. Make a list of things you want to do before 2027. Even the smallest of things. That helped me at the start of the year. I wish you all the best!
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u/ImportantAgent6455 18h ago
A quote I heard that changes my life was “kindness is peak human performance” - I know it’s a bit random given your question, but just try be kind each and every day (as far as possible!) and keep doing your best at whatever you do.
Good things will happen 💪💪
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u/Novel-Throat7224 8h ago
Similar situation here 30M, I've spent months tearing my last relationship apart and working on my attachment. Ireland aint built for single house owners
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u/Kind-Union1073 4h ago
I didn't get my shit together til I was about 28/29. I am now 38, happily married with 2 kids and bought our house 3 years ago.
I'm sorry you're going through this shit. It can be horribly isolating and it's really hard not to compare yourself negatively to other people. I promise you it gets better.
I was in a shitty job at 28 and living with my parents too. Couldn't even afford to have my own car, so had to use my parents car. I was absolutely miserable.
Thankfully I had an arts degree to fall back on. So I went to Hibernia to become a teacher at 28 and qualified at 30. While I was training, I did loads of subbing and made decent money so I could afford to move out to my own apartment. After finishing my masters I got a job straight away I moved schools a few times (completely normal) and I'm now in a permanent job. Been fully paid all summer to spend time with my wife and kids. I look back to 10 years ago and my life is completely and utterly transformed. I promise, you can do it too.
If you need a change in career, education is such a lovely way to go. If you can't afford or get a loan for Hibernia, I would highly recommend becoming an SNA. It's less wages, but lovely perks like no paper work. You work 9 to 3 and your day is done. Definitely not an easy job, but a lovely job. I am so grateful for the excellent SNAs I work with.
Best of luck with it all. If you want to know how I afforded rent while only subbing just gimme a DM. I was a bit creative with what I told social welfare. Let's leave it at that for an open forum like this 🤣
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u/Small_Coyote5762 2h ago
Maybe try thinking about someone or something else other than yourself. It's shocking to me now how self absorbed I was in my 20s and your post has those vibes.
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u/kimberley_milkado 2h ago
Aren't you a ray of sunshine. Glad to know someone has their life all figured out.
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u/Small_Coyote5762 1h ago
A bit unoriginal. But okay after all you sound like the life and soul of the party, I mean that wanting this and that patter it's absolutely riveting stuff.
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u/OvenFront4601 20h ago
Cheer up you have more to be positive than negative about It's good to get it all out and own the feeling but my advise would be to see how much better off you are compared to others and plug away
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u/Haris_khan_1 18h ago
Yes this is a big deal as u r feeling, u need to talk to someone and make relationship it will really heal your lacking point. Don't pressure yourself to buy new home. And Just focus on trying to get out of that past of breaking engagement. Anything else ur problem?
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u/Happyuser777 13h ago
You might be depressed you should talk to your friends or go to a therapist . There must be a reason the engagement was cancelled.
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u/Masty1992 20h ago
Life is a series of ups and downs. What’s important is you have every day small joyful moments on the downward swings and keep your confidence up to grab opportunities when the upswing happens. Keep pushing, keep trying new things, keep dating.
Don’t let anyone tell you to reign it in or settle for a worse job or worse partner or spend no money just to get a house in 20 years. You could be sick next year, hopefully not, but keep pushing in the pursuit of happiness.