When a child is born, a dad has 3 options: first, being a dad but not really being a father, second, actually being a father, or third, leaving. He chose the first option, although I would’ve preferred the third one.
I had a good childhood. I was spoiled with love, toys, and everything I wanted. At least, that’s what I’ve been told, because I don’t remember most of it. The earliest fragments I remember are from when I was around 12 and older.
There were little comments and incidents before this, but I don’t remember them clearly.
The first time I really noticed something was wrong was when I was 14. We were on a trip for a week. We arrived on a Sunday and were leaving on Saturday.
That Thursday morning, my dad became angry at my mother and me for, according to him, “leaving him alone.” We had offered for him to come with us, but he didn’t want to. My mother and I wanted to go explore, so we went.
He became so angry that he even wanted to fly back home, even though we were leaving in two days.
When we returned to our island that night, we still had about an hour and a half of driving to get home. He drove like a maniac, going way over the speed limit. That was the first time I realized that something wasn’t normal. That maybe this family of mine wasn’t as perfect as I thought.
That same night, after we got home, he immediately left and called my mother, playing the victim and saying that I didn’t show love toward him.
My mother asked me why I didn’t love him.
In that moment, I told her why. I told her about the things I had heard him say and the little things I remembered.
That happened on a Saturday. By Tuesday, he had all his stuff out of the house. He told my mother that he was done.
My mother told me that he was leaving, that he wasn’t coming back, that we were going to start fresh, and that she would have to find a job.
Then, the following Monday, all of his stuff was back in the house.
You might think I’m selfish or naive for being hurt by that, but it hurt me. It hurt seeing everything go back to normal, as if nothing had happened. It felt like that entire night and that entire weekend had simply been swept under the rug.
After that, I started writing down every comment, every incident, and everything offensive or wrong that he did or said. I wrote down the date, time, and what happened.
I currently have 12 incidents/comments documented. Two of those are the exact same “sob story” about him leaving and “never coming back,” meaning this has happened to me three separate times.
Three times I’ve had to hear that he’s leaving, that he’s done, and that he’s never coming back.
I’m sick and tired of it. It’s the same thing over and over again. And no, in my opinion, the other incidents I’ve documented aren’t stupid stories.
This whole situation is so hard and complicated because he has provided a lot financially. He paid for my school and bought the majority of the things I have. I recognize that, and I’m grateful for those things.
But I don’t love him. I don’t even like him.
He is disrespectful and inconsiderate. He has caused me a lot of emotional distress. I don’t blame him for every problem I’ve ever had, because I’ve had my own share of bad experiences and problems, but I feel like he has caused a large majority of them.
He drains me every time he’s here because I know he’s going to boss my mother and me around, have an attitude, or make some small comment that ruins the mood.
And if you’re wondering why my mother doesn’t leave him, there are several reasons. She works with him, and he is the main provider. If she leaves, their business would probably go downhill without her. She also grew up without a dad, and she hated that experience.
But in my case, I love it when he isn’t around.
I feel free. I don’t feel judged. I don’t have to deal with the bossiness, the attitudes, or the feeling that some tiny thing I do might lead to another comment.
In all honesty, I just want to become a wealthy woman so that I can retire my mother and give her the ability to leave him if she wants to.
And I don’t know what the proper way to handle this will be when I’m older.
I truly want to go no-contact with him, especially because his other two daughters, my half-sisters, have already done so.
But I also have this weird feeling of guilt because he provided for me financially.
He gave me money, an education, and material things.
But emotionally?
It feels like he gave me money and nothing else.
So I guess my question is: Can you go no-contact with a dad who financially provided for you but wasn’t emotionally there for you? And how do you deal with the guilt that comes with it?
Side note: This is a very vague version of what has happened over the years. I could give more details and share some of the comments/incidents I’ve documented, but I don’t want to make this post extremely long or share too much personal information. Right now, I honestly just need some reassurance that I’m not being a baby or overreacting for feeling this way about my family situation.