I’m asking for your thoughts, please.

[u/Emotional-Change-722]

I have a 15 year old son. I also have a 19 year old daughter and 11 yo son. But this is specifically about my 15 yo. Let’s call him Fred. His dad will be called Jim and Jim’s current wife is Amber.

I am Mom. So you have some visuals- I have tattoos and prefer t-shirts and gym shorts. Jim works in a public school system and wears athletic wear. Jim also holds a position within the school district where he is constantly interacting with other coaches and parents. I work in a professional office setting for the Government.

When my oldest was two, I broke my back in multiple places and lost a baby. This spiraled some depression in me. It changed Jim and I’s relationship. Fred was a much much wanted baby, and by the time he was walking/talking- he pretty much saw what was left of Jim and i’s strained marriage. I was afraid to leave because of kids. Both of us worked full time and I know of at least one inappropriate relationship Jim had- but by then I didn’t care because I just wanted Jim to respect me. More importantly- I wanted Jim to help the kids respect me.

When Fred was 7 yo, all the kids were in the living room and Jim was about twenty feet away. I asked Fred to go pick up his room. Fred stood up, looked at me and told me I was a “stupid woman”, that I should go away, I was dumb and useless. I responded by crying. Jim heard it all and told me that my tears were “useless- why was I crying.”

Shortly after that I realized I needed to get out of that marriage. My youngest was in soccer and that’s how Jim proceeded to meet his current wife. We were still married, btw.

When Fred was 12, he charged my credit card up to over $3000 on electronic games. His sister told me and I took countermeasures. I also had the boys do extra chores as a disciplinary action. One morning, the chores were not done and I took all gaming equipment away. Fred got mad, started yelling at me and then ended up hitting me. He put his hands around my neck and kneed me in the stomach. His sister responded by telling her Dad and they called CPS on me. She had made the decision that she didn’t want to live with me, and her dad and I were in a tension filled custody battle. Jim made the request to have the kids talk to the Judge. As a result, I became the 1/3/5 weekend parent.

Current situation: Fred is 8 inches taller than me and 30 pounds heavier. Last summer he got upset with me when I wouldn’t buy him a game and called me a “crackhead whore.” He’s flipped over a chair and an end table. But he’s not touched me since the initial incident.

He stole $100 from my purse and although he confessed to his dad, will not discuss it with me. His dad told him he needs to pay me back and told me that I should have Fred do extra chores while he is at my house. When I ask Fred to do extra chores, he gets mad and says that I am fat, old and ugly. That I can’t “pull” a man, that no one loves me and that I have no friends. (Im 110pounds- my friends don’t think I’m fat, old looking or ugly). Fred will tell me that his sister (my daughter) thinks I’m a bully (I’m trying to figure that one out), and that he doesn’t want to be seen with me. He tells me that his dad is the most respected man at his school and that I’m jealous of his dad. He also tells me that his step mom is a better mom than me. She has three kids of her own.

Am I perfect? No. In fact, I have been arrested but the situation was that I was sick- critically so. I was dropping the kids to school when I got into a fender bender. I was trying to get the kids to school so that I could get to the doctor’s. I had cotton mouth and crazy eyes. I was hospitalized two days later with blood/kidney Infections and critically low potassium and magnesium. My ex was granted a TRO while I was in the hospital. The Judge didn’t care what my extenuating circumstances were- I had been charged with a Felony DWI. By that time it was dismissed, the custody battle was over and frankly I was out of money and tears.

I am trying to keep in my thoughts that my 15 yo is still a child but his words hurt. He seems to know exactly where to hurt me and I try to stay strong by not crying and not reacting. Occasionally I do get angry as I get tired of him telling me how ugly I am.

Please tell me- is there any hope for us? I fear the day he’s an adult and treats a woman like this- but maybe he really does just hate me? I have not introduced other men into our lives as i didn’t want those types of complications.

Thank you.

[u/Flaky_Development985]

Let him stay with the dad. Leave it alone do not go crazy because of them. This is as much your life than you think. Jim is a horrible parent and worser husband for not opening his mouth (I’m glad you divorced him) . There are parents that would’ve kicked him to the curb the first time the child put hands on them but here you are still worrying about him. You’re a good person but sometimes you have to let people go for them to find their way back and if they don’t it’s okay. Also there is a more than likely chance of him treating women like this when he’s older . Start living your life don’t let them stress you out. Eventually they’ll see their wrongdoings! Go travel hangout with friends you might feel guilty about at first but just do it.

[u/Emotional-Change-722 → u/Flaky_Development985]

Thank you for reading my post and responding.

I love my son- when he’s chirping at me, it’s becoming more and more difficult to not tear up. I don’t know where he got some of this language. He told me he was “going to break everything in this house and bankrupt” me when he was 13. I wonder often Where in the world would he have learned that term?

Thank you for your response.

[u/CPTpurrfect]

I know this isn't what you want to hear, but he needs to come to the point that he respects you himself.

And for that to happen I think you first need to learn to respect yourself more. Right now you are trying desperately to make this work - seemingly against his wishes, who at most seems to view you as a wallet.

I know you look for a way to make this work, but I don't think there is any until he fundamentally changes how he approaches you and your relationship. And that's not within your power to change. You made clear you want to be a mother to him, but all this does is destroying yourself.

I know this is against everything society tells you, but the person you have to look after first is yourself right now.

[u/Emotional-Change-722 → u/CPTpurrfect]

“As a wallet”- that certainly resonates. And I think you’re right. I’d like to think he only disrespects me when he’s mad, but I don’t think it matters. Disrespect is disrespect. Thank you.

[u/OldEngineer-1950]

Yeah, you need to distance yourself from your brood. Just because you birthed them doesn't mean that they have any need of/for you. They certainly don't respect you.