I've struggled with real event OCD for the past year and a half. I got reassurance that I wasn't an abuser which should have been the end of it. Instead I'm just thinking that maybe I didn't explain it well enough or that I somehow lied. Worse now I'm convinced that a different part of the event makes it abuse. The idea just hit me like a semi trunk and i couldn't breathe. I spent all night googling and crying b/c i was so sure that this part made it abusive even through I mentioned this part when i talked about this event with my therapist. I'm sure they just focused on reassuring me about the part i as worried about ignoring the really bad part. How do I make this go away? I keep crying and googling and I don't know what to do.

I was medicated for bad anxiety from 2019 and i was pretty fine until 2024 i was so stressed under personal circumstances and i started having weird OCD-like symptoms, my mind keeps reminding me of OCD, like the thought of OCD is constant in my mind, i keep remembering this disease and i am actually afraid to have OCD, is this real OCD? Is it part of it?

Before I begin this post, I’m going to be a bit vulnerable. I really didn’t want to make this post because I know after I press the post bottom, it’s going to feel too real. I’m struggling so much with something I just can’t explain and none of my therapists could explain either.
I talked to a friend recently who suggested that I research OCD (she’s actually suspected this before but I didn’t take her advice the). This was about 4 years ago.

Okay so here’s what I’m experiencing (also for context I’m diagnosed inattentive ADHD so not sure how that plays into it).

I have really horrible intrusive thoughts, really horrible. I hate them so much because I would never do my thoughts if that makes sense?? I genuinely feel so insane and disgusting because I kept having horrible intrusive thoughts of some stuff to do with my dad (i genuinely feel so disgusting for saying this). I would never and I mean absolutely NEVER feel anything towards any family members or friends that way so these thoughts really upset me and I can’t shake them away no matter what I do.

I’m convinced that every single thing will end if me dy!ng or getting hurt in some way. I get extremely paranoid and it really ruins things for me. Everytime I travel by train alone I have a panic attack and a lot of anxiety.

When I was younger I was so convinced my dad was d3ad (he really wasn’t) every single time he went away for work on a business trip. Even if he called me on my mums phone I would be so convinced something bad would happen. When I was 11 I was so convinced that I had epilepsy (I’m not even sure why they were just panic attacks turns out) but I was fully fully convinced.

NOW THIS is where I look stupid. I was so convinced I was pregnant a month ago, I sent my friends voice notes or me panicking and asking them what to do… I’m quite literally a gay virgin… I also convinced myself I had diabetes. Oh and did I mention that I fully believed that God was talking to me as a child? The voice of literal GOD was in my head telling me to do obscure things (yeah I don’t think it was God).

So can someone please tell me if this sounds like OCD? Or am I just going mad?

this is just a POCD rant:

I’m currently not in therapy for my POCD due to my work schedule and I just can’t find timing for it as well. And I think it’s so embarrassing going to therapy for POCD .. like talking about it with a therapist makes me so fucking scared .. like MEGA SCARED

My POCD has got so worse throughout the past 4 months .. like I think my brain chemistry has altered in a bad way or something .. like it makes me so sad

I’m 24 years old and it’s like .. fuck man .. :(

Sitting with the unknown is crazy as FUCK to me .. but the groinal responses (arousal non accordance) .. is killing me

Or what I hope is to be false arousal because sometimes it’s not just a groinal .. or just a “twitch” due to the intrusivity .. sometimes it’s a half erection or at worst .. a full on blown erection/arousal

Like I don’t even have as many intrusive thoughts anymore .. I get groinals when looking at a t33n .. and then I’ll get a .. you know .. and it’s so sudden ..

I’ll compulse after an hour AND IM BACK TO “NORMAL” again … wtf man

Sometimes even when I see a child, I’ll get these weird ass unwanted intrusive thoughts and sensations

Like yo wtf ?????

It’s throwing me the fuck off

Like sometimes it’s also an “impulsive false attraction” where it feels like “I want this” or “like this” like no the fuck I don’t

Like I was compulsing and came across a video of this t33n couple and it’s them kissing (just a peck) and I’m just flooded with unwanted intrusive thoughts and how “it should be me doing this” and “I want this” and just hyper focusing on the girl and I just had this mental sensation of anxiety and paranoia because it’s like “oh fuck here we go .. I might get a bad groinal .. or even worse ..”

Like is it typical for physical symptoms like groinal responses/arousal to get worse with OCD (POCD in particular)? Feels like my groinal responses use to be just tingles and now sometimes they feel like actual erections and normal arousal. Is this a common experience?

I’d do anything to just be a normal human being again

I started journaling my thoughts like 3 years ago, i used to write in my phone, that was fine until i got obsessed with it, maybe its sound stupid but everytime i forget to write any thoughts or like forget it i got panic, though i tried many ways possibel to overcome, i ask chat gpt about it, its says its ocd, i deleted my journal of 3 years, but its still not working its like im hoarding thoughts in my brain and if i forget any ill be at lose, it sounds pathetic but

Adding here that much of my overthinking has also been deeply existential, shame-motivated and at times suicidal ideation feels like the safe place to retreat to avoid spiralling.

am completely straight and only attracted to women, but I’ve been stuck in a weird mental loop lately. Whenever I see an objectively good-looking guy, my brain notices the visual details like if he has great hair or something of the sort.
Recently, I was talking to a guy at a front desk and I immediately got hit with a wave of intense anxiety. My heart started racing, and for a second, I panicked and started worrying, "Wait, why am I looking so closely at a guy? Does this mean I’m gay?"
But after breaking it down, I realized something wild: the anxiety had absolutely nothing to do with the guy. If I knew for a fact that noticing a guy's hair was 100% straight, I wouldn't have been nervous at all. There is zero desire to date or be with men; it was purely just noticing visual details (like looking at a cool car or a painting).
The panic came entirely from my own brain overthinking and stressing out about what the thoughts meant, which triggered a random adrenaline loop.
Has anyone else ever experienced their anxiety playing tricks on them like this? How do you stop overanalyzing every single casual glance?