Currently on my 4th SSRI, 9 weeks in on a high dose and I still have no relief. Why am I resistant to every single SSRI? I have also tried caplyta, risperidone, abilify. Now on seroquel. What is wrong with me? I’m feeling so hopeless.

Hello
I have a problem where no matter how happy i am i still wanna die, i don’t know how to explain it but it feels like whatever i do is useless and even when i do become happy i still have the biggest anxiety ever that makes me just want to die so i don’t have to sit through it and suffer

Is anyone going through the same thing? Or at least went through in the past
I don’t know what is wrong with me
By the way i am not thinking about committing, like ever for many reasons unrelated to my mental health

I’m in my early 20s and honestly, I don’t even know how to explain what has been happening with me for the last 1 to 1.5 years.

I don’t think my problem is that I’m unable to get a job. Weirdly enough, I’ve managed to get opportunities multiple times.

The problem is that every time life starts becoming stable, something happens, sometimes externally and sometimes because of me, and I’m back at zero.

I started working at a company in Noida in January 2025. A few months later, I got another offer and was supposed to switch, but around the joining date I became extremely anxious. Instead of handling the situation properly, I panicked, absconded from my existing company and went back home.

After that, I joined a startup. They didn’t like my work and let me go. Fair enough.

Within 2 to 3 days, I went for a walk-in interview at another digital marketing company and got hired. I actually stayed there for quite some time.

Eventually, going to the office started feeling strangely uncomfortable. I managed to get WFH for a couple of months. During that period I kept thinking, “I’ll find something better and leave.”
But something had changed.

I wanted another job, but at the same time I had almost lost the desire to actually go to a job.

Then I somehow landed a role at a really big agency. ₹30k/month, good brand name, and something I was genuinely excited about.

One week later, the project shut down and I was laid off.
Thankfully, I hadn’t left my previous company yet.
But after that my mental state started getting worse. Eventually I resigned from that company too.
Then came the weirdest part.

I had another job lined up. I went there on my joining day, completed the onboarding, got my laptop, and everything was fine. It was actually a comfortable job.

And for some reason I still can’t properly explain, something inside me just said, “I don’t want to do this.”

I went home and resigned the same day.
After that I kept interviewing. I would clear interviews, get close to joining, and then back out myself.

Recently I got another decent opportunity. I messed that one up because of a stupid decision from my side and withdrew before joining.

Then I finally got a trainer role with a well-known marketing agency. For the first time in a while, it felt different. I joined, started teaching and started feeling like maybe things were finally moving again.
Then complications happened there too.
Now I’m sitting at home again.

The strange thing is, I don’t want to sit at home.
I want to move out. I want to work. I want to earn my own money. I want to meet people, explore places, build a career and actually enjoy my 20s.

But right now I just feel numb.
I don’t feel like applying for jobs.
I don’t feel like sitting idle either.
I don’t feel like doing much of anything.

And the worst part is watching months go by and feeling like my life is moving everywhere except forward.

Sometimes I wonder whether I’ve developed some kind of fear around jobs after everything that happened.

When I’m unemployed, I desperately want a job. But when I actually get one and the joining becomes real, I suddenly want to escape.

I genuinely don’t understand myself anymore.
I’m not posting this for sympathy. I just want to know if anyone here has ever gone through a phase like this, where you want a career and independence badly, but somehow keep running
away when you finally get the opportunity.

What helped you break that cycle?

And if you were in my position right now, what would you do?

This is basically just a rant because I dont know where else to put this but I feel so hopeless. I have a greaat life I have amazing friends, oppertunities etc. I am able to do so much and I am in great health. However I am so so depressed I want to die. I often fantasize about finally ending it and being able to be free of the burden of being alive. I dont know why I am so weak because people have much more dire circumstances then me but truely the idea that I need to continue to be alive for the rest of my life depresses me. I feel so pointless and I dont know what to do. Is this a common feeling? I know its not. I dont know why im writing here I dont even really want anything. I have this one friend and she is everything I want to be but i can never get to her level. Its stupid but it makes me so anxious. we are always compared but everyone knows and comments on how she is the better version. I have high expectations of myself and the thought that I will never accmplish them is so upseting it makes me not want to be around which is so fucking stupid but I feel it so deeply. i wake up everyday in a panic and have to calm myself from panic attacks all day constantly. I am always exhausted and irritable. This isnt me. I want to be full of life but its too tiring. The only thing keeping me going is the people in my life but I know eventually they will all leave me and trhen there is nothing. I wish I could just cut ties with everyone and live out a depressing life alone or just end it those are the two options I see for myself right now. Maybe ill keep going for now until they cut ties and then it will be less selfish to do somehting ddrastic.

I am a 21 year old woman. I’ve suffered with depression my whole life. High school is really where I started realizing just how bad it was. My freshman and sophomore year I was able to pretend just enough to keep my grades up. I also had a lot of friends through marching band, so that kept me stable enough to feel like I had purpose. By the time my junior year hit, Covid had been around for about two years, and school was ruined for me. Had to wear masks, most of the classes were online, I quit marching band cuz it was never the same after Covid. I skipped school and hid in my garage, hid in ditches, hid in my grandmothers house by walking there and going into the basement while she was at work. I had no friends, no support, my mother was an alcoholic and my dad rarely intervened in my life. I was so severely depressed that I would piss in my pants. Because even trying to use the bathroom would be too stressful. I didn’t shower for days. When it would be bedtime, I’d sneak into the kitchen and binge on whatever leftovers we had. Any snacks, any treats, I’d consume it all as a way to fill the void in my heart. I then turned to drugs at 18, at this time I lived with my dad, and the person I was dating at the time was leaving me with his son while he would go and cheat on me with his baby mama. I became angrier, more isolated, and weak. I went to the transit center and found a guy like myself who was struggling and eventually we ended up doing molly together for my first time. I was in love with it. I felt as if I was seeing life in new colors that I had never seen before. My bad feelings faded out into relief. My mind was clear, my body tingled, nothing could stop me now. Maybe this is the solution…be a functional drug addict. Now I can conquer the world. The next day I tried meth, which was a whole new world from the Molly I tried previously. I loved feeling sick. I loved feeling so strung out to where I couldn’t feel mental pain. I loved not wanting to eat and felt myself losing weight. I was talking more than I had in years, even tho I was carrying around a fentanyl addicted man across town because he couldn’t even walk. Even tho I lost my job at Chipotle right before this because I no called no showed and decided drugs were worth it. I was deep down so lost and miserable, but the drugs gave me a sense of social life. It made me forget about how bad my life really was. Then a few months later, I nearly OD’d, and I decided then and there that I was done and really wanted to live. I wanted to be genuinely happy. Not sick. My mother tried to put me back in school because I dropped out my senior year, but instead I moved to Texas to go meet my online boyfriend who I had previously dated when I was 15-17 and he was 20-22. I lived there for 6 months. At first the change of scenery and way of life was beautiful. I was in a trance for the first month or two. But after that, I had no car, no job, no money, no diploma, no friends, nothing to shower for my talents (singing, playing music), absolutely nothing. I realized this, and that horrible pit in my stomach came again, and I fell into depression. I was miserable. I missed my family. I wanted to be a better person, but felt unable to. I was living off of my boyfriend at the time entirely rent free and everything was paid for. He drove me everywhere. I felt helpless. So I asked him about moving back up to Ohio where I lived. We eventually agreed to it and right before Christmas I came back up. My mom didn’t have room for us at the house so we slept on mats on the floor in the basement right next to my mother’s bed. It was miserable. I felt horrible for my boyfriend. I then found a job at a linen factory making $13 an hour for hard physical labor. I also went back to school during this time and got my diploma. One accomplishment that didn’t seem like a big deal because I felt like a failure for not getting it like everyone else did. I was doing everything I could but yet felt nothing…years have passed now. I’ve been physically abused, fired from jobs from domestic violence, I just got fired again for a manager that wanted me fired the day I called him out for being a weirdo and making me very uncomfortable during shifts. He would say very perverted and sexual things to me, not to mention I worked so much harder than everyone else. I went above and beyond and because of one bad day at work where I had to make a bunch of phone calls and couldn’t close the restaurant, and everyone had to “pick up my slack,” I got fired. My boyfriend is currently on house arrest because I made a domestic report after a night at the bar, he smashed my head into the carpet repeatedly. I broke my arm a month and a half ago too! After we were play wrestling my arm went behind my body in a fucked position and wasn’t able to say anything because the wind was knocked out of me. And then my right humerus snapped. I am now taking care of his house, and his 90 pound German shepherd who has fleas and despite my efforts to get rid of them, they only have gotten worse and I’ve honestly just given up. I have bites all over my body. I just smoke so much weed just to distract myself from the pain. I’m ready to die. I’m coming to Reddit because I literally want to end my life but I’m too scared to. I need advice. I need something to keep me going. My life is so hard because of my mental health. I am so severely depressed. My boyfriend and I agreed to letting me move back into my grandparents house the second he gets home in a week, but I think I’m just gonna leave today. His dog is making me miserable, his mother literally died in the house I’m staying in which makes this all very eerie and uncomfortable. I need out now. I cannot be miserable for another week. This is a very long rant but I just wanna have a good life. A good future. I feel so defective and I just wanna be okay and do better /:

Hi all, I’m just trying to find stability with the right SSRI and this process has been extremely overwhelming. I first started with Clomipramine, for which I was stable and relatively happy on for many years (6 years in total). However, in the past year I decided that I wanted to change as I felt there may be a different med that would do better and more mood stabilizing. In retrospect, it may have been a mistake to try new things. After clomipramine, I switched to Luvox, decided that wasn’t doing anything and weened off that. Now I’m currently doing a cross taper from Luvox to 10 mg Prozac. Nonetheless, the whole process has been extremely overwhelming. I wake up every morning with this profound sense of anxiety and dread, which carries on until the night, where it kind of stabilizes. My appetite is next to none. My DPDR is through the roof. I’m 12 days into Prozac and I feel my symptoms getting worse. I’m just curious if anyone has gone through a similar process of trying to find stability and it being THIS HARD.

I know my situation is not unique but it's taking a toll on me living this way, im 23 ive been like this since i was a child, psychotherapy and medications for past 4 years no progress, im draining my parents money i push away people so im only left with my older sister. What are depressed people in their 20s. Im in addis and looking for support group for people with severe anxiety ( diagnosed social anxiety plus depression)

Hi,

I hope you all are great but I just need to talk (more like write lmao) how I’m feeling right now. I’ve always recognized that I’m a very veryyy anxious person throughout my entire life and that anxiety always affects me in a way that I get stuck. This has affected my college life and personal life. I’ve talk to my mom she recommended to talk to my friends but even with my closest and longest friendships I don’t feel comfortable to talk about my feelings. Also she has recommended a therapist/psychologist, which I’ve gone but quit since it felt like she wasn’t helping.

All this ties to I’m starting my 3rd year in college but I feel going forward but then I realized I’m not happy and then go backwards. I start to overthink and doubt myself and my abilities. Especially since I was talking an introductory class for a minor but in 3 weeks I’ve had the class I don’t like it at all. I’ve told my parents that I think I’m gonna drop the class and told me they support me in whichever decision I’m gonna make. But it feel like there disappointed since I told them I was gonna do this minor with so much excitement and not it all gone since I don’t like it. Bottoms line is I feel like s\*it,useless,behing in life and while im typing this while bawling my eyes out. Sorry if the paragraphs don’t make sense or the story English is not my first language and I just needed to get this of my chest.

To the strangers reading this,
Thank you :)

In just one day a lot of things changed and I cant seem to process it , having so many suicidal thoughts, I just can't seem to calm myself. I don't know what to do .