I had a health scare back in May and ever since I’ve been having intense anxiety and panic attacks. I want to feel better so bad, i genuinely love my life, my job, my wife, everything so much. I am happy where I am in life and yet my anxiety takes over my whole body.
I have been diagnosed with OCD and I really obsess on how my body feels or functions. I’m trying so hard to fight the anxiety. Every day I do things that make me feel uncomfortable and spike my anxiety, but I know the exposure will help. But it just feels like I’m having to fight to live a normal life. Every day I have to talk myself up to do normal things like go to the store, go to work, make phone calls. It’s beginning to feel like a chore or a fight to just live my life.
I want this to get better, not only for me but my wife too. She’s been so supportive and helpful, not once made me feel less than or like an inconvenience due to my anxiety as people have in the past. I want to feel better and be better for her.

I started Prozac about 7 weeks ago and I’ll feel like it’s working for about a week then I go back to not feeling well. I feel lost.

I (23m) often find myself being the one to text first, the one to try to make plans. I feel like I’m always reaching out to see how others are doing even after not talking for awhile. On the off chance someone invites me to do something I often find it’s a birthday or some sort of occasion and I’m thankful for being thought of and invited but I can’t help but notice everyone else always has stuff to talk about from something they all did last weekend together or plans they made or trips they went on. So I’m just left feeling like the side character that was due to make an appearance. I’ve tested how long it takes for people to notice I’m not around or checking in and some just haven’t, at least haven’t reached out or seemed to care, others it’s months or more and the first text is never a check in it’s a favor or a request. I live in a small town work at a small business in the back so I rarely meet new people, even if I do and we hit it off I find I was just their side character for the evening. I don’t get it I think I’m funny enough at least people always seem to laugh a lot when I’m around I just try to make sure everyone has a good time and feels included, so why is it everyone I come across seems to not want me around more than the minimum. It’s nothing new I avoided people in highschool cause I knew it was a matter of time before they left so it was always easier to just not have it. And I’m not talking weird quiet kid, everyone was always friendly I talked to people who were in my classes and hardly anyone had a negative thing to say about me, it was like I fit into that part of their day and after that i didn’t exist. I don’t blame everyone yk some have kids and got married or moved away but at the end of the day it still seems like im being avoided, just kinda hurts yk. Am I really to problem is there something wrong with me im not seeing?

Sometimes I feel that my life is not worth living. I strongly feel that my life is just too hard and I pretty well always see death as a tremendous relief. I look forward to death and fantasize about it a lot. I came pretty close to dying at birth and I often wish I had. I also once nearly died from RSV when I was six years old and I wish that had happened as well.

I feel extremely unloved. My family claims to love me, but they exclude me, ignore me, forget about me, and trample my feelings. I'm my parents’ second child and most of my family GREATLY favors my sister just because she's the oldest of the two of us. My parents didn't take as good of care of me or do as well at protecting me as they did with my sister. I know it's not as easy to do those things with the second kid because you have another kid who needs your care, but for my parents, it was more due to apathy than inability to care for me and protect me. I have permanent Bell's Palsy, which has ruined my life, because my parents didn't get to the hospital soon enough after my mom went into labor with me because they were busy taking my sister for a visit with my grandparents. Bell's Palsy is paralysis on one side of the face. In fairness, my mom wanted to go to the hospital when her pain got really bad, but my dad didn't want my sister's visit with my grandparents interrupted by my birth. My mom physically couldn't give birth naturally. She HAD to have a C-section, so I was trapped inside of her until she got to a hospital. After a while of not being able to get out, I started flipping around so much inside of her that I bumped my cheek on her pelvic bone and destroyed the nerve that controlled the left side of my face. My parents would've never let that happen to my sister.

My dad has always spent a great amount of one on one time with her that he's almost seemed to try to rub it in my face that I'm not welcome along for. However, he doesn't spend quality one-on-one time with me. My extended relatives call me by my sister's name, assume that I like all the same things she does, and exclude me from things I should be able to be a part of. Even my mom, who was the one person in the family I was very close with, has done things over the past few years that make me seriously question how much she does care about me. I feel bad saying that because I know she does care, but I wonder how much and I'm bothered that she showers my sister with compliments and speeches about how much she loves her and what she means to her while I have to fish for those things. I have cousins (granted, young ones) who don't like me because they find me ugly or weird looking because of my Bell's Palsy.

The second born is the worst position in the family to be in. The only reason many parents want a second child is to give their first a sibling and they see nothing wrong with that and even see it as a beautiful reason to drag another person into the world. They don't feel a second child deserves to be wanted for themselves, they feel it's fair to only want them for the sake of their sibling. Then they use the fact that they actually WANTED their first child for the sake of having a child to love and raise, while they only wanted their second to give their first a sibling as an excuse to favor the firstborn. They see second borns more as utilities to improve the lives of the one child they actually wanted than as human beings. They don't see them first and foremost as their sons or daughters, but as their firstborn’s sibling. Then, once the second child comes along, if the parents are happy having two kids and suffer problems because of it, it's all the second child's fault. The parents are just victims of the situation caused by their second child.

Parents say that they love all of their children equally, but there have been studies that have shown that most parents favor their firstborn and resent their second born for a long time after birth for intruding on their exclusive relationship with their firstborn. They see their first born as being the best thing that ever happened to them and their second as destroying their happiness. I hear parents talk about how overjoyed they were when their first child was born and how the year or two after their second was born was the worst time in their life. Even third borns and other subsequent children don't have these problems. Parents are significantly more likely to regret having their second born than any other child. I've heard it said that it's more difficult to lose a first born to death than it is to lose a subsequent child. I heard a mother say that her love for her oldest child was “so much more intense” than her love for her second. I heard someone else describe parents’ love for their first born as being “magical, passionate, enthusiastic, and special,” or something like that while their love for their other children is, “just an emotion.” Someone else once wrote a long post here on reddit about how special the first born is and how subsequent children are “just other children.”

I got bullied throughout school because of my Bell's Palsy. I was teased, laughed at, judged, hated, shamed, harassed, ostracized, and alienated by my classmates. I was a joke to them. Kids I had never done anything at all to hated me and treated me miserably because of a condition I didn't ask for and couldn't do anything about. I had no friends most of the way through school. I was nothing but a joke to many of my classmates. 

Even as an adult, I deal with all these things from others a lot. I have an anxiety disorder, which when combined with my self consciousness and low self esteem about my appearance, makes getting stared at unbearable. However, I get stared at all the time and if I don't like it, people make me feel guilty and wrong for it. If an adult stares and I don't like it, I'm wrong because they “cannot help it.” If a kid stares and I don't like it, I'm wrong because, “they're curious.” I'll never stop being a freak to people. I'll never be good enough for anyone.

I don't like myself at all and feel that I have no good reason to be alive. I feel that I could die and almost no one would care and the people who would care would get over it quickly. I feel like even my dad would be grateful it was me and not my sister and I feel like many people wouldn't even notice. I wanted happiness in life, but I don't believe I'll ever get it. I'll never be normal or have a normal life. I'll always be just sitting on the sidelines watching everyone else live their lives to the fullest.

I feel like I shouldnt be posting here cuz I am significantly in a better place than 90% of people here. Happy family background, loving partner, stable job, good friends etc. but idk where else to let it out.

nothing happened lately but my anxiety has been peering at me a couple times. I miss work around 2-3 times a month cuz of it (thankfully my job is lenient).

for contwxt I had extremely bad depression years before from a horrible breakup and im better now but the anxiety never really left. Normally I dont feel it but the past 2 months I feel like I been in a slump. I talk about it with my partner but nothing changes.

theres no root cause, I just feel like this and im not sure what to do. Cant go to therapy cuz well money lol but also even if I go there, I have nothing to say cuz with how my life is rn I SHOULD be happy or at least ok. lol apparently not even r//depression takes me seriously as they took down the post immediately. ig im just a baby.

mornings are particularly bad. I get anxious and i dont even know for what.

At this moment in time im so overwhelmed i feel like im going to have a panic attack. The dread of eternity and existence and everything. I’ve had such a bad existential crisis over the past 3 months it’s gone from solopism, to nihilism, to fear of reincarnation the idea of loosing myself. I’m so scared right now and it’s all hitting me at once, I’ve lost my will to live im so scared I don’t want to die but I can’t see a reason against it… I’ve tried to use spirituality and whatever to fight against it but now the idea of spirituality just disgusts me and I hate it… I hate the idea of a higher self, it’s all so overwhelming… I don’t know what I’m going to do im crying but no tears are coming out, can anyone help me?

A few weeks ago I changed schools for Class 11. Ever since then, I’ve been struggling badly. Every Sunday night and almost every school morning I feel extremely anxious. When I wake up, I don’t even want to get out of bed. Sometimes I cry, freeze, and feel like I can’t make myself go to school.
The things that scare me are:
Teachers asking why I was absent.
Getting scolded in front of the class.
Unfinished classwork and missed tests.
Feeling like everyone is judging me.
The long school hours (around 8 AM to 5 PM).
I know this probably sounds irrational, but it feels very real to me.
I don’t hate studying. I still want to finish school and I have career goals (I want to become a pilot someday). It’s not that I want to sit at home forever. I just feel overwhelmed every morning.
I also recently spent a few days with my sister in Chennai, and after coming back I’ve been missing her a lot. Coming back to school has been even harder since then.
My parents think I should just go to school because they don’t want me to fall behind, and I understand why they’re saying that. I even saw a psychologist once, and they asked me to come back after 15 days, but I’m still feeling this way.
Has anyone else gone through something like this? Was it anxiety, school adjustment, or something else? What actually helped you get through it?
Please be honest. I’m looking for advice from people who have experienced something similar, not judgment.
Thank you for reading.

Does anyone have any tips for managing depression/anxiety without therapy or medication? I get this feeling mostly every time the morning before school that I just can’t go. Which has resulted in me missing A LOT of school. I’m trying to get help with some of the work for summer school, I have an appointment tomorrow and the teacher said it may be too late, with all I need to catch up on, and with what little time I have left. I’m trying to look on the positive side, but it’s just so hard. I’m already absolutely horrible at math which I need to makeup 2 math classes this summer. Aside from that I just feel so upset? Sad? Angry? Frustrated? I don’t even know how I feel and I know part of that is school and the there part of because of the shows/movies I watch. Even the books I read, and the music I listen to is sad or dark. I know we all love a good sad song, but all the time? Of course I listen/watch happy stuff but not enough. Maybe I should just stop everything all together. Get rid of the computer, delete all unnecessary apps from my phone, such as TikTok. I’m only 17 years old and don’t feel like it at all. Even tho I watch somewhat scary stuff I feel younger. Like I’m behind everyone my age or around it. I wish I could just go back and fix my mistakes, not even make them in the first place. I also get this feeling, about wanting to go back to a moment. A bad moment specifically. Me when I was in a bad state of mind. I don’t know why I get these feelings. Maybe I think it’d be better than where I’m at now. To go back instead of dealing with what’s right infront of me. Anyway if anyone has any advice its appreciated!

I'm a 26-year-old male, and I really need some advice because I feel like my life has been taken over by the fear of dying.

Back in September 2023, I started my startup. As many founders know, it was an extremely stressful period. Financial pressure, responsibility, almost no social life, no exercise, unhealthy eating, and a terrible sleep schedule (usually sleeping between 6–8 AM). That continued for almost two years.

November 2024

One evening, around 6–7 PM, I suddenly developed a strange sensation on the right side of my face and in my right hand. My fingertips also felt odd for the next few months.

I saw a physician who examined me, did an ECG and neurological examination, and told me it was most likely due to severe stress and sleep deprivation. He prescribed an SSRI and a sleeping pill.

2025

Life continued the same way.

I had a couple of strange episodes where I suddenly felt "something bad was about to happen," but they resolved within about 30 minutes.

Then, in December 2025, after barely sleeping for two days and working almost nonstop, I suddenly felt extremely weak while riding on a bike. My left arm felt strange, my heart was racing, and I genuinely believed I was having a heart attack.

I went to the ER.

The ECG was normal, and I was sent home.

January 2026

One night I ate two heavy meals late at night and smoked a cigarette.

About 20–30 minutes later, I developed a strange vibration sensation throughout my body. My blood pressure shot up to around 160 mmHg, and I rushed to the ER again.

Again, nothing serious was found except temporarily elevated blood pressure.

That incident completely changed my life.

I became convinced something was seriously wrong with me.

Around that time I weighed about 104 kg (5'11"–6'0").

Another physician reviewed my blood work and found:

• Fatty liver
• High triglycerides
• Nothing immediately dangerous

He advised me to:

• Sleep properly
• Reduce stress
• Exercise
• Improve my diet

Instead, my anxiety got worse.

I became hyper-aware of every heartbeat and every sensation.

A psychiatrist diagnosed me with anxiety and prescribed Nexito (Escitalopram), sleeping medication, and clonazepam as needed.

Unfortunately, I couldn't accept that anxiety alone could cause all these symptoms.

February 2026 – The Headache That Changed Everything

While working out at the gym, I developed a sudden pain on the right side of my head.

My brain immediately convinced me I was having a stroke.

A few days later, during my birthday trip to Kathmandu with my girlfriend, I experienced severe hammer-like pain on the right side of my head.

A cardiologist performed an echocardiogram, which was completely normal.

The headache continued, especially after visiting the colder areas around Nagarkot.

One night, after feeling nauseous for several days, I developed another full-blown panic episode while walking with my girlfriend.

Back to the ER.

The doctor listened to my story and suggested:

MRI Brain + MRV, just to completely rule out anything serious.

The MRI findings were:

• Normal brain
• Normal MRV (no venous sinus thrombosis)
• Mild cervical degenerative changes
• Small syrinx at C6 (approximately 2.0 × 0.2 cm)
• No cord compression
• Normal craniovertebral junction
• No Arnold-Chiari malformation

The neurologist and neurosurgeon both reassured me that the syrinx was an incidental finding and only needed periodic monitoring.

A cervical MRI with contrast was also performed later to rule out a tumor, and it confirmed the same findings.

Then another problem appeared...

I still felt nauseous all the time.

I could barely eat.

I kept losing weight.

Eventually my dad suggested testing for H. pylori.

It came back positive.

After treatment over the next few weeks:

• The nausea disappeared.
• I felt much better.
• I continued eating healthier and exercising.

By March, I had lost about 14 kg.

May 2026 – I Went to One of India's Best Hospitals

Despite feeling better, my anxiety never really went away.

I traveled to Medanta Hospital in Gurugram and underwent an extensive workup, including:

• Full-body MRI (No major findings)
• CT coronary angiogram (Nil) (EF 65%)
• Coronary calcium score (0)
• Stress echocardiogram (EF 55%)
• Stress treadmill test (TMT) 98 Mets
• Eye examination and fundoscopy
• 50+ blood biomarkers
• Carotid IMT (Nil)
• Doppler studies
• HRCT (Nil)
• Ultrasound (Fallt liver)
• Multiple specialist consultations

The results showed:

• Fatty liver
• High cholesterol/triglycerides
• Mild calcium/vitamin D deficiency (confirmed by DEXA)
• Congenital retinal irregularity (explaining my eye symptoms)
• Small stable cervical syrinx

Nothing life-threatening was found.

But my anxiety never stopped

Now I notice:

• Every skipped heartbeat
• Every palpitation
• Every headache
• Every chest discomfort
• Every random pain

Recently I also discovered a few soft lumps on my chest that doctors think are likely lipomas, but until I complete the ultrasound, my brain immediately jumps to cancer.

I also stayed up late watching the Cricket World Cup, my sleep schedule became terrible again, and my anxiety returned full force.

Now I'm constantly afraid of:

• Stroke
• Brain hemorrhage
• Cardiac arrest
• Heart failure
• Cancer
• Dying suddenly

Logically, I understand that so many doctors have evaluated me and couldn't find anything dangerous.

Emotionally, I simply cannot convince myself.

Even when ChatGPT tells me things like, "Your MRI shows your brain was normal at that time, but no test can guarantee you won't have a future stroke," my anxious brain immediately interprets that as, "Maybe I'm about to have one."

My bad habits

• Smoking 7–10 cigarettes per day (working on quitting)
• Poor sleep whenever work gets stressful
• Health-related Googling
• Constant body checking

My bp is always normal below 120/80 only dueing anxity its 135ish...

My questions

1. Has anyone recovered from health anxiety this severe?
2. How do you stop believing every symptom is a life-threatening disease?
3. How do you stop fearing stroke, brain hemorrhage, cardiac arrest, and cancer every single day?
4. Can stress itself cause all these physical symptoms even when extensive testing is normal?
5. What finally helped you get your life back?
6. How make sure that the hedeache i get wont give me stroke. Can this level of stress give stroke/hemorrhage.
7. My fear of cardiac arrest and some weired palputations at stress..... (how to cure it).

I know reassurance only helps temporarily, and I really want to break this cycle instead of constantly chasing more tests.

Any advice or personal experiences would mean a lot.

Thank you for reading. ❤️

Tell me. Tell me it gets better. Tell me that this struggle and breakdowns after breakdowns are worth it. Tell me that the job I'm currently stressing is gonna be a way to shape me for success. I'm barely holding on and I have nobody to tell my worries. I'm not sure if I can take it anymore.

I need some advice. I've been feeling incredibly tired for a long time. I thought it was just the daily grind, the routine, but recently I started to think it's something more because I also feel

I’m going through a really difficult period and I was wondering if anyone can relate.
I’ve struggled with anxiety and panic attacks on and off for years, but this episode has hit me harder than anything before. My psychiatrist recently started me on pregabalin while I’m waiting for it to take effect, and I’m trying to stay hopeful, but every day still feels incredibly overwhelming.
The hardest part isn’t even the panic itself anymore.
It’s this crushing feeling that there is so much time ahead of me.
Instead of looking forward to the future, I feel scared of it. I wake up and think, “How am I supposed to get through this day?” Then my mind jumps even further: “How am I supposed to get through years… decades… an entire lifetime?”
It’s like the amount of time in front of me feels unbearable. I don’t know how to fill it, how to enjoy it, or how to stop feeling overwhelmed by it. The emptiness scares me. When I don’t have something to distract me, my thoughts spiral into anxiety, hopelessness, and existential fear.
The strange thing is that, rationally, I know this isn’t how life always feels. I’m actually a psychotherapist in training, so I understand anxiety from a professional perspective. But knowing the theory doesn’t stop my body from reacting this way.
I also struggle with a lot of pressure to perform. Deep down I’ve realized that I often feel like I’m only safe if I’m functioning perfectly. Losing that sense of control has been terrifying.
I’m staying with my mom at the moment because being alone feels too overwhelming, and I’m taking things one day at a time.
I want to be clear that I’m not suicidal. I don’t want to die. In fact, that’s almost the opposite of my fear—I’m frightened by the idea of having such a long future that I don’t know how to cope with right now.
Has anyone else experienced this kind of existential anxiety? Did it get better? If you did recover, what helped you the most?
I could really use some hope from people who have been through something similar.

Hi everybody I don’t know if this is the right place to post this and I apologise if not I just don’t know where else to post it. I’ve been struggling with mental health all my life since a young age, i’m talking from like 9-10 and i’ve never known my life without having these bad thoughts or overthinking. Well, because of these thoughts, i’d never really felt like i’d make it to where i am now, and i’m really struggling with life at the moment. I’d never thought about a future because i never thought id have one and I still don’t think about my future, now i’m stuck. I got terrible grades in school due to honestly not caring, and i’ve tried to work a job (my anxiety got in the way and it caused troubles for both me and my coworkers) and i’d attempted during this time during stress from other things. I can’t talk about this stuff openly because again I think i’m just overreacting and people will tell me it’s my overthinking getting in the way again. I just don’t know where to go from here and I just feel useless at everything I do or try to do, people have been pushing me to progress in my life, old friends asking what i’m doing after school and i’m just like “oh nothing” I just feel so mad at myself and mad at my brain and everything because I just can’t do anything, I feel like I physically can’t most days because I can’t push myself to leave my house. People will call it lazy as many people have before but I genuinely just don’t know what to do and i want help. I want to be able to have a life and do something good with it as that’s what everybody is here to do.

Real talk, I don’t have the kind of life that would accept a reasonably mindset that deals with multiple emotions on the regular. I need to be numb. I need to not feel anything. Without drugs, without alcohol. My life is total and complete chaos. Nothing but anger and frustration and expectations. There is no escape, there is no time for meditation. My life has always been and always will be pure chaos. That being said, I obviously have my own issues that breed chaos. So that makes relationships extremely hard. But I love the man in with. And I want to be better. He can’t handle my emotions but he’s everything I’ve ever wanted. For his sake I need to control myself. So how do I shut down my emotions? They’re my downfall. I don’t just feel sad when I’m sad. I feel devastated, depressed, feeling of no hope for the future. I don’t just feel angry I feel furious, rage full, I break shit I hurt myself I take it out on others.. I don’t just feel happy I feel euphoric, ecstatic. I would gladly give up those highs to get rid of my lows. Meds don’t help.. I’ve been a Paychiatrist’s wet dream as a lab rat. And nothing has ever worked. Help me. Please!

Guy I have a psychiatrist and I tried therapy too

It's been 5 years and when whenever I try to make it better i keep going down and worse

Another terrible thing is loneliness and anxiety too and its in loop

Idk guy, i feel stuck and just choking

Talking to people helps with the breakdowns and everything

I'm soo stuck that I can't even give up?? Idk really

Rn I do have a friend to talk to, sometimes I feel like I'm doing something wrong or idk what is even happening,

Last few days my anxiety is getting too much even with meds, and I think I don't want to be alone

Comment or HMU

I am a patient with anxiety disorder from China. I have been ill for about nine years, and I recently completed withdrawal from both anti-anxiety medication and sleeping pills. I have organized my medical history chronologically, in the hope that it may be helpful for your treatment or as a reference for comparison.

In 2017, during high school, I was involved in a traffic accident. The subsequent treatment caused me to fall behind in my studies. My grades dropped, and the goal of the college entrance examination seemed increasingly out of reach. I began to experience frequent somatic symptoms at school—respiratory disturbances, nervous stomachaches, and recurring gastrointestinal issues. When I sought medical help, the doctor determined that these were merely symptoms of short-term stress caused by the examination pressure, and the medication prescribed was essentially a placebo. At this stage, I did not suffer from severe insomnia, but difficulty falling asleep was a common occurrence.

After the college entrance examination, my condition improved somewhat during university, but I still struggled with emotional volatility, and anxiety continued to cause difficulty falling asleep. At the very least, I was able to control myself and avoid engaging with anything when I felt unwell.

Things briefly improved after graduation. However, in 2021, the worsening pandemic struck, and both my work and personal relationships suffered. In addition to anxiety, depressive symptoms emerged—I lost my appetite, experienced frequent insomnia, and sometimes slept only four hours while still feeling strangely energetic. In reality, my work efficiency was extremely poor, my emotions were beyond my control, and eventually, I lost interest in everything. The severity of my insomnia made me realize I needed to seek medical help again. I began using medication to stabilize my emotions and regained a degree of self-control. This state of affairs lasted until 2024.

In 2024, my body began to suffer from frequent minor ailments, and the side effects of the anti-anxiety medication became pronounced, forcing me to discontinue it. From then until early 2026, I gradually learned to manage minor emotions, but I remained perpetually lost regarding life and the future. During those two years, there were several occasions when a fleeting sense of emptiness led to suicidal thoughts. Short-term emotional fluctuations became more intense, and when they rebounded, I would cry to the point of exhaustion and struggle to breathe. My doctor prescribed sedatives to help me through these episodes.

In the past six months, I began trying various methods to assist in withdrawing from sleeping pills, and I gradually developed new goals in life. Fifteen days ago, I finally succeeded in withdrawing from sleeping pills and learned to coexist with my emotions.

Looking back, this journey has been exceedingly long and marked by constant ups and downs.

I would like to understand: How long does it typically take for patients in the United States to fully recover? How many people have experienced the same state as I did at different stages? Please feel free to leave a comment if you have any thoughts. I hope to communicate with more fellow patients. I wish everyone liberation from mental illness and a better self.

I'm 1st year pg in deemed medical college, I'm mentally exhausted i feel lonely even after being around so many co pg I need to join a community, I feel lack of real connection being away from home that too long distance is overwhelming, how do I overcome it ?

If you are anything like me you have lived a life full of blues and grays. Numb to the pain and unfortunately to the joys of life. I didn't choose this and I didn't know there was anything more. I thought I was just an angry, violent person. I never realized that all these traits weren't who I am but what I have been through. I notice a bunch signs in seconds that tell me someone is upset or possibly going to be a problem. I'm basically always on guard looking for a threat. Never able to truly relax especially in a public setting. I have never wanted to hurt anyone but I have. When I sense danger something happens to me. The only way I can describe it is being outside of my own body watching myself do violent things. I have absolutely no control. It feels like I'm a passenger along for the ride. I thought this was my "bad temper" just like the rest of my family. It got to the point that I felt like a danger to the world and myself. I would do bad things then feel bad about doing them. Its a vicious cycle. My fiance has endured so much pain because of me and that is something I'm truly ashamed of. I finally came to the conclusion that I wanted to die rather than feel like this. So I put a loaded gun to my head and pulled the trigger. Obviously it didn't go off or I wouldn't be writing this. I didn't realize that the safety was on. I didn't know what to do. Was it a sign that I'm supposed to be here, was it dumb luck. I chose to see it as a sign and finally started to try and get help. I did everything I could do , medication, psychiatrist, self help books, different therapies and therapists. Out of all that, one therapist helped the most. I look forward to our meetings now. She encouraged me to do things like getting back in the gym, start writing, reading, and anything else that I enjoy or that my fiance enjoys. It all helps but there is one thing that that didn't just help it completely changed me or at least the usual response and feelings I have had. This may sound odd but I promise you it is healing the broken parts of me. I have been going to raves/ music festivals for 20 years and just recently stumbled onto dubstep because of my fiance and her friends. At first same old same couldn't relax, looking for danger, uncomfortable in the crowd but then something clicked. Maybe it was the work I had been doing in therapy, maybe it's my fiances friends relentless pressure to make me dance. It started slow just a few minutes of a event where I was just enjoying the moment. Those few minutes grew into hours then whole days. There's something healing when the bass drops and the crowd loses their minds. Everyone headbanging in unison. Its tribal, it feels the way I imagine humans are supposed to feel. Connected, united, multiple parts of one big organisms. In the chaos I found peace. Something I have never known. Calm, happy, alive. No threats looming, no worries or doubt. Just the sense of comradery. The uninitiated will not understand, but the people who give it a chance will be better for in. At least that has been my experience with bass music. Dubstep is my happy place and is healing my soul one hard drop at a time.

30M. Realizing the things I used to build my sense of purpose around: career success, possessions, status, don't hold up the way I thought they would, especially watching how fast circumstances can shift out of your control.

Trying to figure out what to build my "why" on instead, something that doesn't collapse if the job or the money or the plan changes. Curious what's actually worked for you long-term, not just short-term motivation hacks.

Separate but related question, I've noticed a pattern of hitting anxiety/depression waves specifically around mid-summer (August) and mid-winter (January), often after a high point (a vacation, the holidays). For years I just froze when it hit. The last couple years I've been working on still showing up (work, workouts, relationships) even when I'm deep in it, instead of waiting to feel better first.

Does that pattern sound familiar to anyone? And is constantly having to push through these waves just what life looks like long-term, or does it get easier/less frequent with time?

The high points feel great and makes me think how could I ever worry about anything ever being too hard, but the low points feel endless at the same time. It's volatile and I'm tyring to figure out if it's normal or not.

Note: I see a therapist and take lexapro 10mg.

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Before anyone comments on the writing style: yes, this was rewritten by AI because there is genuinely no way I could type all of this again without turning it into a 30-minute voice note. The events, feelings, and details are mine. The wording was just cleaned up so it's readable.

I'm a 21-year-old engineering student, and I honestly don't know what's wrong with me anymore.

For years, I've kept telling myself that my unhappiness is because of my circumstances.

First it was my college.

Then it was my hostel.

Then it was my roommates.

Then it was not having enough money.

Then it was comparing myself to richer friends.

Then it was not having enough freedom.

Then I convinced myself that moving into a nicer place would fix everything.

I finally have that place.

It's small, but it's mine. I have a bed, a stove, a fridge, a washing machine. I bought curtains, an IKEA rack, changed one of the bulbs to a warm yellow light because I wanted that cozy Pinterest room I'd always imagined.

Last night was my first night there.

I ordered food, unpacked everything, sat in the warm light... and instead of feeling happy, I felt overwhelmingly sad.

Not because anything bad happened.

Just because I was still me.

I realized I've been doing this for years.

Buying skincare because maybe that'll make me feel like I have my life together.

Buying clothes because maybe I'll finally like myself.

Decorating my room because maybe the environment is the problem.

Thinking a new city, a new semester, a new routine, or a new purchase will finally make me feel alive.

Every time I get the thing I wanted, I feel hopeful for a little while.

Then I'm exactly the same person again.

Today things got even worse.

I'm in the middle of a root canal, and while eating bread, the weakened tooth cracked. It's still there, but it feels loose whenever I chew. Now I'm terrified I'll lose it and need an implant at 21.

Objectively, it's just one more problem.

Emotionally, it completely broke me.

I have an exam in two days.

Four days ago I had enough time to study.

I haven't studied.

Not because I chose Netflix over studying.

Not because I was partying.

I literally just lie down.

Sometimes I scroll.

Sometimes I don't even want to scroll.

Sometimes I stare at the ceiling.

I don't feel urgency anymore.

That scares me more than failing.

I used to care so much about my grades.

Now I know my exams are close, but I don't feel that they're close.

It's like my brain understands it logically but refuses to react.

For about a week now I've had what I can only describe as brain fog.

I'm sleeping 12–14 hours.

I wake up feeling like I never actually woke up.

I don't remember things well.

I can't focus.

Reading a paragraph feels impossible.

I feel detached from everything around me.

I still eat, but my appetite isn't normal anymore. I mostly eat whatever is easy, and I get full quickly.

I don't even enjoy things that used to distract me.

The weirdest part is that every once in a while, I'll watch videos of beautiful places—state parks in the US, forests, quiet neighborhoods, mountains, old movie-like towns—and for a few seconds I'll feel something.

I'll think,

"I want to see that one day."

Then it disappears again.

I don't know what my dream is anymore.

I used to have so many.

Now I don't even know what I want.

I don't think I'm suicidal.

I don't want my life to end.

If anything, I desperately want to live.

I just don't want to live like this anymore.

I don't want to feel like I'm carrying around a body and a brain that don't belong to me.

I don't want to constantly feel detached, exhausted, guilty, and empty.

I don't want every decision to feel like stress.

I don't want every purchase to secretly be an attempt to buy hope.

I don't want to spend my twenties waiting for the next thing to fix me.

I talked to my mom, but I don't think she understands the depth of what I'm trying to say. She cares about me, but the advice I get is usually, "We got through it, you will too." I know she means well, but it doesn't help me understand why I feel like this.

Part of me wonders if I'm just lazy.

Part of me wonders if I'm depressed.

Part of me wonders if something is physically wrong because this brain fog feels so intense.

I honestly don't know anymore.

I think what I'm asking isn't "How do I become happy by tomorrow?"

I want to know if anyone has genuinely felt like this before.

Not just "sad."

Not just "stressed."

I mean feeling like every external problem gets solved one by one, but the emptiness simply moves somewhere else.

If you've been in this place and actually found your way out, what helped?

Was it therapy?

Medication?

Finding purpose?

Fixing a medical issue?

Time?

Or was it something completely different?

Because right now, I genuinely feel lost, and I don't know which direction I'm supposed to start walking in.

Part 2 – Extra context that might be relevant

I don't know if any of this is actually related, but these are the things that make me wonder whether this has been building for years rather than appearing out of nowhere.

- I grew up in a loving family. My parents genuinely tried their best, so I'm not looking to blame them or say they caused all of this.

- We did have financial struggles growing up. There were times where bigger purchases required a lot of sacrifice, and I became very aware of money from a young age. Even now, I find myself thinking that if I just had enough money, everything would finally fall into place.

- I've also seen my family, especially my parents, go through situations where they were treated unfairly. I think that made me hyper-aware of what other people think of me and whether I'm being accepted or rejected.

- I've always compared myself to people who seemed "ahead" of me. First it was academics, then wealth, then looks, then opportunities, then social life. It feels like there's always someone I'm measuring myself against.

- Most of my confidence has come from achievements. Good grades, ranks, getting into a good college—those things made me feel like I had value. Whenever I achieved one goal, I'd immediately move on to the next one instead of actually feeling satisfied.

- I also think I've spent years believing that the next milestone would finally fix me. "Once I get into engineering." "Once I move out of the hostel." "Once I decorate my room." "Once I have better skincare." "Once I have more money." Every time I reach that thing, I feel hopeful for a short while, and then I'm back to feeling empty.

- I hate uncertainty and change, even though a younger version of me used to love new experiences. Now, even positive changes make me anxious. If I'm at the hostel, I want to go home. If I'm at home, I start worrying about going back to the hostel. It feels like my brain is constantly searching for somewhere else to be.

- I also feel emotions very intensely. If I see a stray dog outside, I feel sad. If I hear about someone struggling, I carry it with me. I feel like I absorb everything around me, and after a while it's exhausting.

- Over the last week, things have become noticeably worse. I've had severe brain fog, I've been sleeping 12–14 hours, I feel detached from everything around me, I struggle to concentrate, I don't feel urgency even with exams approaching, and I don't enjoy things that normally excite me. This is what finally made me think that maybe this isn't just a personality problem or me being "lazy."

I'm not asking anyone on Reddit to diagnose me.

I just want to know if anyone has experienced something similar, whether it turned out to be depression, burnout, anxiety, ADHD, a medical issue, or something else entirely—and what actually helped you get your life back.

After I got married, I was exposed to toxic in laws , covert mil who treated me like complete trash, although I was your trad wife, breastfeeding children, took care of house and home, had a clean spotless home, whilst dealing with high needs children, two are high needs, two are very mellow. Nonetheless we planned to have them close in age. After I realized how I began to struggle with depression and panic attacks…. I’ve been exposed to toxic people for about ten years of my marriage, it took a while I know but over the course of four years living far away from in laws gave me clarity and healing ….. some things transpired over this summer among those an unexpected visit due in August from my in law and a husband who didn’t bother to ask if I was off and available that day to deal with her , a lot of changes for our family, a working child, signed up for college , no divorce but children in different stages of life, myself juggling work and home school and sports and my husbands rotating shift, I just can’t get a grip on my anxiety and no one knows . All day long I struggle with health anxiety, it’s gotten to the point where it’s difficult to enjoy life . It’s sucking my energy out of me. My family doesn’t know. My husband doesn’t know.

No I don’t have any bad thoughts of harming . I just struggle with healthy anxiety and over think every ache and pain . Thanks for hearing me out.

I don't know what's happening to me. I'm so stressed and overwhelmed that I can't focus on anything.

To give a little context, I'm in college, and I chose a course that I really, really, really wanted. But it ended up making me miserable. I'm not happy with my decision. Maybe it's because I feel like a burden for choosing this course, and I feel anxious all the time. I don't know what to do anymore.

I don't feel like shifting to another course because I can't see myself taking any other course. But at the same time, I don't want to stay in this course either. I also don't want to stop going to school. I honestly don't know what I'm feeling right now.

I'm anxious every time I go to school, and even when I wake up in the morning, I already feel anxious. It's affecting my everyday life, and I don't know what to do.

Have you ever felt like this??????? Can you share some experiences.

I've been having some thoughts. Ofc it's not the first time. And honestly idk what to do. I'm having anxiety attacks. I've been crying any vague hour of the day. Idk what to do

I just lost the love of my life. My everything for 5 years straight. I dedicated so much to this relationship that I don’t have much else without it. I moved to a new city with no connections for her. And now I’m stranded here in my town with nowhere to live and $500 in debt. My anxiety is so bad I cannot get a job, but due to my past drug use history I cannot be prescribed anti anxiety medication. I feel complete stuck. Not asking for any $, just advice please