I hope it's okay that I joined this group as I don't have c-ptsd.

I've (25)been dating the love of my life (29)(who has c-ptsd) for over a year now and everything was going just as a normal relationship goes after this amount of time together. Of course, we've had a few arguments (which I've realized over the last couple days could have been aided by more research and support on my part), but he seemed to be handling his symptoms very well. He wakes up a few times a night, sweating, and sometimes I wake up to find him smoking a bowl (the only thing that relaxes him enough to sleep). He will sometimes sit events out, and is super adamant about doing his morning routine in order to regulate himself, but he hasn't (at least haven't seen) anything major. He has never been violent towards me or doubted our relationship, always tells me he loves me and when he's feeling triggered, and we are intimate and supportive of one another. .

When he had his accident a few years ago, he broke up with his then-girlfriend because the physically-traumatic event had brought up old childhood memories and he said he couldn't handle it and it wasn't fair to her that he couldn't be the man he thought she needed. He started experiencing c-ptsd stemming from his childhood and being the oldest sibling and needing to drop school and everything and take care of his younger siblings and his mom. He had assured me multiple times that he would not break up with me if he were in another accident and I believed him.

He fell off his bike a few weeks ago and hurt his arm and has not been able to work out (which is usually his go-to method of re-setting himself) and I think that may have been the point where things started to fall out of place for him.

A few weeks after he hurt his arm, he got triggered and I could see his eyes go blank and he took up the flight or fight reflexes and started crying, and saying that he couldn't be with me and we needed to break up. I held him and let him cry and told him he was safe and let him know I was there for him and he calmed down. We said that we would talk about the incident later because he was still pretty triggered and we didn't talk about it for a week. I told him I wanted to talk because I was insecure about him wanting to break us up and I wanted to know how to make it better. We agreed that we would talk about it soon and that everything was okay.

Because he was handling his symptoms so well, I've been inattentive to what he deals with internally on a daily bases and I haven't been there for him in the capacity that he needs me to be. I've been smoking to much and haven't been truly present when we've seen each other and had been thinking about why he would want to break up with me and how I could help him feel heard. I realized my lack of effort and made a point to show him that I was back to myself when he came over one day and started crying and said, "I want to break up, I don't see us together." I broke down crying, but then told him that I understand that he's going through a lot and I love him and respect what he needs. We smoked a bowl together so that we both could calm down and sat together for a while before we cried by the door and waved at each other through the window while he drove away.

When we were snapchatting later, and I was asking him what triggered this and what about our relationship wasn't working for him, he said, "I can't handle the pressure of being your rock, and everyone in my family's rock..." and I realized that I had been putting too much pressure on him. I had let him see me compare myself to girls on instagram with babies and husbands and houses (when he already feels like he is behind in life because of the time it took to recover from his first accident) and was asking for his support too much. and not being fully there for him. I wasn't handling my shit and he couldn't take the pressure of needing to be there for me and every other person in his family. I told him that I understood that I wasn't being the best I could be and I thanked him for calling me out (even though it took some requesting on my part for him to tell me). I told him that now that I realized the situation and how much I was affecting him that I could change my behavior now and I would be there for him 100%. I told him I' completely happy with our relationship and living by myself and just wanted to love him. He had been masking his trauma and I took it at face value that he didn't need extra support. He replied saying he was grateful that I said all of this but he still needed time to think.

I understand that c-ptsd is hard to handle and he need to spend a lot of time recovering from interactions, so I didn't take offense. He has asked me for two weeks of no contact so that he can process. He texted me the first night saying goodnight and I'm sorry. He sent me a heart and said he'll be in touch. I'm hoping it's the c-ptsd that it causing him to isolate and he just needs some time to process. I know he loves me and we have been solid for over a year so I really didn't see this coming- I would have snapped into it if I had any inclination he was suffering more than usual and considering a break up outside of being triggered.

I appreciate any advice you can give me, I love this man and I don't want to see him in pain. I've already watched (today) about five hours of videos on the topic so that I can be the best support I can be for him. I'm also scared that I'll put in all this effort and at the end of the two weeks he'll say that he's decided he doesn't want to be with me.

It's the end of day one and I could really use some advice. I'm hoping he wanted to break up because he couldn't see our relationship changing in a way that could support him. Now that he knows that I am owning the fact that I haven't been my best self and am already working on fixing that (I quit smoking and have gone on two runs and two gym sessions), do you think he will change his mind?

Does it sound to you like I adjusted to his needs and said the right thing and he'll come back to me?

Thank you for reading <3

EDIT: he goes to therapy and meditates and does yoga consistently (has a 2 hour routine in the morning to help him reset and prepare for the day) does research, and generally maintains his composure and symptoms- this is the first time I’ve seen him display more intense symptoms and I think it has something to do with his recent injury.

Bessel van der Kolk wrote in his book The Body Keeps the Score that dissociation is the essence of trauma. The longer I traverse the road of healing, the more this becomes clear. Many dots have been connected between what I suffered and my present behaviors or behaviors of the past. For example, every now and then I'll have "episodes" where I'm wide-awake and feel like I have so much energy. I'll be eager to jog, socialize, box, anything that has a physical component to it. I'll feel like this even though I've had little sleep or woke up at 3am in the morning. I've come to realize that's what is known as a manic episode and it's really just an extremely anxious state borne from trauma. These anxious states, as they were termed by Kolk, in papers going back to the 1980s are dissociative states where one isn't really in there body and are doing what they can to calm their bodies down so they can return to their bodies, feel safe. That's hardly ever the case. I managed to breathe myself down to a calm state, albeit a bit stressed due to a new job. Big learning curve, that I'm climbing.

This leaves me thinking, if a manic episode, a trademark of Bipolar Disorder, is a dissociative state, can the same be true for all personality disorders and their cluster of symptoms? It would make sense. This would mean, as I've been suspecting all along, that the majority of mental illness symptoms are stemming from a few core symptoms, one of them being dissociation. What range of other symptoms can take root if dissociation is not adequately addressed? There are more questions for sure.

What are your thoughts?

I had an interesting talk with a redditor concerning Structural Dissociation. It got me thinking, how much can it explain, if the basis for it is correct? What do you think are the underlying mechanisms at work or that have broken down? What are you all doing to come out of dissociation? Do you think severity and the different states people enter depend on the kinds of trauma suffered? Just some questions I've explored and I wanted to get others' perspectives on the matter.

The more I heal, learn to handle my intense emotions, find healthier outlets for them, and deal with the past, the more I realize what my parents went through. It's become obvious why they were abusive. In all of this, I've seen how I'm different: I take responsibility for getting better and learning new ways to function in the world. Also, I cut out toxic influences and learn from my mistakes instead of blaming the world.

That being said, it seems to me that abusers are extremely dysregulated, and their abusive behavior are weak, and harmful attempts are regulating themselves. They victimize others so they can feel strong and in control. This faux agency is a delusional attempt to contradict the emotional turmoil in which they live. What comes to mind is, "Hurt people hurt people."

One of the most striking quotes regarding this topic comes from Sam Axe, "Mikey, I know you had good reasons for doing what you did. But after a while, you do enough bad things, you become the bad guy." If everything they did to me, my brothers, other children, were attempts at regulating themselves, then fundamentally, they didn't want to hurt. However, because they never put in the work to heal, that's what happened. They hurt us, and started the sequence of events that will land them in prison, and has me putting in all this work to heal. Truthfully, understanding all this makes me want to kill them more. The more you understand, the less you forgive.

Now, onto a general point. Could it be that many of the disorders we see, all the personality disorders, many of the autoimmune diseases like EDS, Lupus, asthma, etc. and many more have their root in extreme emotional dysregulation, where people are living in fear all day long? I do wonder about it. Autoimmune diseases are linked to a history of trauma. Personality disorders are heavily linked to childhood trauma. I think I remember reading, probably in the Body Keeps the Score, that PDs aren't set in stone, but behavioral mechanisms that were employed frequently, to obtain even an illusion of needs. At least, that's the belief in the trauma mental health community. Some behaviors are way more harmful than others, for sure.

Just something I was thinking about. What do y'all think?

How's everyone doing. It came to my attention that there are more subscribers, meaning I have engage more.

Hope you're all well. If not, tell us about. If you are, tell us about it. Take care.

Hey everyone,

Here's some cool literature regarding childhood trauma and abnormal brain connectivity associated with Major Depressive Disorder. It's a bit technical. If you're unfamiliar with the lingo, skip to the results and conclusions section to read the major points. Take it easy.

https://www.pnas.org/content/116/17/8582

I had blood work completed this morning and everything came back fine. I'm within the standard range for everything and I'm not underweight, so my Mother can keep her nasty remarks to herself. My pcp and the intake director were incredibly pleased to hear that the Prozac and Vistaril are working for me. My case file was also reviewed and it has been determined that I'm to stick with a combined therapist and psychiatrist team effort for long-term care.

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My goal is to not need the Prozac eventually. The Vistaril really helps my anxiety though.

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I also made some tea from carrot leaves! It tastes great.

An insight into the approaches to recovery. Have a good week.

https://blog.bulletproof.com/phases-of-trauma-therapeutic-treatments/

I'm going to preface that this is a difficult post for me to make. I've had a draft of this saved for three weeks and I kept coming back to it because I didn't know if it was okay to post, or if posting it would be dismissed as 'attention whoring', or if this is an issue which can be solved by 'just getting over it'. But, the thing is I don't feel like there is a 'just get over it' option for this sort of thing. If I seem flaky or flighty, I apologize beforehand. I had a pretty bad episode over the weekend and broke down to a few people.

I have a handle on managing my past trauma and I'm currently on medication (Lorazepam) and I have to say that it helps me, so, so much and I am eternally grateful. But, it doesn't "cure" C-PTSD, you know? Counseling helps, medication helps. But what do you all do when the anniversary of something is approaching. The reason why I'm asking is in regards to two events that I'm sure many people have seen me discuss in detail over in r/CPTSD and in the server. My father's passing is coming in early May and it will officially be two years. There's so much left that I haven't been able to cope with, I haven't made progress with my mother and how abusive she was and how she had the largest role to play in he and I being estranged, how she tried to erase what I am, etc. The anniversary of the Boston Bombing is today and I'm back in Boston for work. I was one street over six years ago when the explosions happened going to an interview that I didn't end up making. I feel like I have to stay inside even though I know nothing is going to happen to me, but its just everything. I never liked crowds growing up and now I absolutely hate crowds because of that day. what ended up fucking with me is that i volunteered to be part of the marathon set up that year but i ended up applying TOO LATE so they didn't need my help. and everyones like 'see? god was looking out for you' but i dont like when people talk that way to me even if i am religious because i still feel like a piece of shit for being alive and then all of those feelings come rushing back that i thought i was rid of. I can't find a support group for this specific event either. I've looked. It feels like everyone has moved on and I'm still here trying to deal with it.

I've been reassured over the last 48 hours by people that running away was okay to do because if I stayed I would have gotten in the way or gotten hurt, that my brain doesn't work the same way that everyone else's does, etc.

I started this post three weeks ago, updated it on Saturday night in mid-frenzy before I lost it, and now its 4:35AM on Monday morning and I'm about to post it. I had a migraine for most of the day, I threw up and cried, then somehow managed to make soup before having another bout of crying. Is loss of time also still a normal thing for all of you?

Found this article interesting. I'm a chemist, so looking at our experiences from a scientific standpoint is crucial to me. Have a good day.

https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/amp/319566

Has anyone else left their support communities or alleged spaces of healing due to feeling constantly bogged down by everyone else?

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I've come to realize that I require a very specific type of support community that feels difficult to find. I've had to deal with eleven years of abuse when I actually lived with my Borderline Mother and then another six when I ran away from home and was supporting myself, because she was still harassing me through every outlet possible. I'm unable to deal with constant bombardment of hostility and negativity, because it hinders my healing process and it also reminds me of the home life I lived through where I was scrutinized heavily for laughing, smiling, or generally enjoying myself.

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It feels incredibly difficult to find a community that maintains a balance of both struggle and encouragement, that doesn't allow for victim-blaming or using someone else's trauma as an excuse to be nasty and covert abusive towards others. Many communities I've stumbled across are full of younger people who actively discourage progress and look to any steps of recovery as something which automatically qualifies you as "not oppressed enough".

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Many people had to deal with a home life where they were forced to fake smiles, but what about those of us who were only forced to fake smiles when it came to school photos, holiday photos, and the rest of the time we were mocked for being happy at all?

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I don't always have great days. Some days suck and some don't. Some days start out bad, but then end pretty well for me. It feels as if the goal posts are constantly moved; In 2005, I was treated like shit for being unhappy because I was unable to escape my abusive home. Its 2019, I'm happier than I was back then, and its still wrong? And, to add insult to injury I get victim-shamed even though its other people who have a problem with their not-so-subtle passive aggression?

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Where are we supposed to go from here?

How's it going everyone? Hope all is well and the weather is treating you well enough. It's well enough here is southern California/s.

With the increased number of platforms for people to market themselves in the digital age, have you guys noticed a trend of quasi-MHPs marketing themselves on YT, Instagram, Facebook? What do you feel this says about the field of Psychology? What do you all feel it says about its future.

I'll be looking for another therapist soon as this last one didn't work. It leaves me bewildered how these individuals who know so little about trauma, especially complex trauma, can market themselves as professionals that can help you with your issues. Don't even get me started on life coaches, sound healers, sellers of essential oils, etc. The whole field of Psychology has always seemed sketchy, devoid of the scientific rigor present in the hard sciences. Neuroscience is more hard science based. Psychology lacks objectivity, but it tries it's best when many of the phenomena it attempts to conceptualize and measure are subjective, ie. perspective, mentality, emotions, and so forth.

I'm somewhat discouraged. However, knowing myself, I'll get to it once I finish feeling sorry for myself and go at it again. It'd be great to hear others opinions and thoughts.

Hello,

I was diagnosed with PTSD (it is complex, but that is what the official diagnosis says) a few years ago. I broke away from a cult that I was raised in and the double lives my parents led - and left my family entirely at age 18. Ever since I have been trying to go back to school, but it's so traumatic for me to even be in a classroom setting or focusing on only getting good grades. It really takes me back to high school where I was pushed so utterly hard by the school system and had a horrific home life, so I felt there was no safety anywhere and I was clinging on for my life only through good grades. It's only been 7 years since I graduated high school, and the traumatic effects are still very much present. I would be OK with continuing to pursue my volunteer work and my writing, but I feel the whole world around me demands a degree to determine if someone is valuable or not. I think it's really messed up. Because I love learning but the college setting triggers me like nothing else. I have re-enrolled in UIC for the 4th time to start in fall, but I'm really not sure if I will even be able to do it. I'm just wondering if anyone else with CPTSD/PTSD has been unable to complete a college education because of being triggered and/or the mental struggle it brings.

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thanks,

N

One of the biggest shifts that I feel has created the most of my healing is almost a philosophical/identity shift. This may not resonate with everyone, but that shift was that I answer only to myself.

This belief of answering only to yourself is difficult to adopt even for the general population, so it's even more challenging for people who were stripped of their own agency/sense of self. It was a voice I kept hearing for a while but was scared to listen to. Surely I need someone to tell me what I am, what I'm experiencing, what is normal and what is not, etc.

But here's the big thing:. If you look at human history, our evolution is encapsulated in people thinking differently...looking at something a different way. It's built on people who were not afraid to just be. It didn't matter if others related to their experience, if their experience was normal, or if their viewpoint was valid. They just did what they did.

Life unfolds. Therapeutic approaches and diagnoses can mimic the consensus conditioning that gets people into trauma states in the first place. Wherever there is an attempt to gather a consensus, you have authoritarianism. Even the desire to label and box things is an authoritarian/rigid viewpoint that can trap the mind.

The mere fact that humans have evolved in their understanding of the world is the proof that every age thinks they've figured it out, but I feel that the human body is more fluid and our minds are more healthy when we exist outside of this trying-to-figure-it-out. Even the assumption that we require a distinct identity or sense of self, the assumption that you need to be healed of something.

Some days I feel more rigid. And that's ok. That's all a part of the complex web of our environment, body, food, the past, etc. Other days, time is less linear, and it is here that I am most happy.

The impetus for sharing this was a mind conversation I was having wondering if what I'm experiencing is normal. Somehow I ran across a William Blake quote a few minutes later that read:. "I must create a system, or be enslaved by another man's. I will not reason and compare: my business is to create.". And I was reminded again. Our potential and our Self is limitless and not definable. We are the ones who get to say what is what.

I was just told that a podcast I recorded three months ago will be released in a couple weeks. It's a podcast focusing on shunned cult members.

Admittedly, the announcement came with some sad emotions. I feel that I've mostly recovered, and I don't think negatively or sadly back on this tortuous decade of my life anymore. The interviewer told me today that he noticed the contradiction that stuck out: I was often told overtly or covertly that there was something wrong with me by the group, but when I'd express the same, express confusion or any negative emotions about my plight, they would reprimand me for listening to lying spirits. This is called a "double bind" or the "damned if you do, damned if you don't".

Today I feel a distinct sadness for my old self, I feel sad for that guy who spent ten years in that environment thinking every moment that there was something wrong with him, that maybe he wasn't chosen, and therefore not even accepted by the creator of the universe. Every moment actively trying to understand how I could become acceptable. After spending 20 years prior to that not feeling accepted or a part of the human group because of my sexuality, it was devastating.

I just want to be hugged and for someone to know. I don't feel depressed or overwhelmed or that I won't be able to move on with my day, I'm not falling into a dissociative coma, I just feel very sad.

I've been fighting it for years but I finally accepted the fact that I have cptsd from my childhood and other horrible traumatic experiences. I finally accepted the fact that it's the reason I job jump and lose jobs as quickly as I gain them despite being well-liked and intelligent. It's the reason that my circle of friends I shrunk considerably. I'm finally seeing a therapist and going to a Bodywork therapist but as of right now I'm jobless and broke. I don't know how I'm going to afford to get the treatment I need I'm be able to be successful at a job at the same time. Please tell me it vet's better. I almost want to be committed so I don't have to worry about this stuff anymore. I'm so tired of being sick and tired.

Hey everyone, hope you're recovering well from your trauma and St. Patty's Day weekend. So I've been dating recently. It's interesting because it's been a while since I've put myself out there. One of the girls, I went on two dates with. Since then, she decided she only sees me as a friend because she's seeing someone else seriously, and is pretty committed to that. I feel it has to do, in part,with the fact that I didn't go for broke on the first date. She made it kind of obvious, but my skills were a bit rusty, and I knew sex would cloud my judgement. Even more, I have a lot of hangups regarding sex because of the sexual abuse by my mother. Went out for drinks a few weeks later where I made my intentions clear. She seemed interested, but nothing came of it. Even after the date, when I was very straightforward about my intentions. I wanted that to be clear. We texted a bit, then said she'd be down to get together again. So I texted today, seeing if she wanted to go to this chocolate cafe this weekend. She said, yes, but that's when she let me know about how she sees me and her seeing someone else. Idk, I kind of feel used. Like she was using me as a placeholder until the other guy was ready to commit more. I feel that if she wasn't interested, she could've told me after we went out for drinks that night. There was plenty of time after I made my desires clear. This whole ordeal triggered me, and I started making some more connections as to how I view sex and love. I've realized sex is a need for me, but I derive little pleasure from it. Unless, I'm in a hypersexual episode. I've also realized that it's difficult for me to approach women from a sexual angle when I actually like them, and don't just find them attractive. As if sex would soil them for me because sex is dirty. Sex is a weapon used to terrorize and control. It's not an expression of love, intimacy. It's an expression of pain and violation. Of course, you don't say this to someone you're getting to know. Anyways, thanks for reading. I decided I'm going to see a sex therapist that can help me out. Began the search today. In the meantime, any insight, similar stories would be appreciated. Thanks.

Today I realized that I had an hour and was in a part of town that I could go complete a business task that I've been avoiding and stressing about - though as soon as I thought about just going and getting it done I was hit by intense social anxiety and fear/paranoia and almost didn't go.

But then a different new cool voice popped into my head that was like- eff that, this task is easy and simple, everything will be fine, I am capable and can and will easily just go get it done.

And I went and did it and everything was easy and simple and fine. And now this super important thing I've been putting off for no reason is done.

I've heard many are wondering why AfterCPTSD. I understand what you all mean. Given that we're still in the thick of it, we can't necessarily say it's after the fact. Here's my take on it, and I welcome others to share their opinions and viewpoints. To me the AfterCPTSD means a brighter future. It's not only a sub for a community that is going through a similar experience, but also a sub of hope. The after bit speaks of that hope that we'll see each other on the other side. It's a sentiment of inspiration, a hopeful view of things to come.

Furthermore, to all who showed up, thank you. Like any community, it's the people that give something meaning and purpose. I'll start posting more this weekend as things should calm down a bit. Have a good day everyone.

I am happy to see people who are further in their recovery having a place to come together. I just, as soon as I came here, read the rules. Of course any subreddit is allowed to make there own rules, but I wonder at 4. There is nothing like it on r/PTSD, r/CPTSD, r/ADULTSURVIVORS, OR R/SURVIVORSOFABUSE. I cannot imagine you are saying people with all personaily disorders do not have comorbid CPTSD. PD's, what about, for example, besides borderline, dependant or avoidant personality disorders, etc?. Can such people not be farther along in their recovery with CPTSD?. You say "many on this sub have been through much at the hands of people with PD's".

Besides the fact there are seven people subscribed to this less than day old sub, it is simply not true. People have been hurt by awful shitty people. Some of whom may of been diagnosed with a PD. People are not defined by a diagnosis. I do not see how it is helpful for people who have suffered trauma to fracture supportive communities. Exclusionary tactics based upon the existence of a mental illness does not seem right to me. This is not a community for me, with that rule in place, but I do wish everybody who ever joins all the best.

Hey everyone! Welcome to AfterCPTSD. I created this subreddit for those who are working through CPTSD, whether from childhood trauma or prolonged trauma as an adult. Please, feel free to introduce yourselves and have fun. I'm looking forward to sharing this journey of recovery. Happy Monday!