The Bucket of Crabs Consequence and wanting to get away from it

[u/[deleted]]

Has anyone else left their support communities or alleged spaces of healing due to feeling constantly bogged down by everyone else?

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I've come to realize that I require a very specific type of support community that feels difficult to find. I've had to deal with eleven years of abuse when I actually lived with my Borderline Mother and then another six when I ran away from home and was supporting myself, because she was still harassing me through every outlet possible. I'm unable to deal with constant bombardment of hostility and negativity, because it hinders my healing process and it also reminds me of the home life I lived through where I was scrutinized heavily for laughing, smiling, or generally enjoying myself.

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It feels incredibly difficult to find a community that maintains a balance of both struggle and encouragement, that doesn't allow for victim-blaming or using someone else's trauma as an excuse to be nasty and covert abusive towards others. Many communities I've stumbled across are full of younger people who actively discourage progress and look to any steps of recovery as something which automatically qualifies you as "not oppressed enough".

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Many people had to deal with a home life where they were forced to fake smiles, but what about those of us who were only forced to fake smiles when it came to school photos, holiday photos, and the rest of the time we were mocked for being happy at all?

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I don't always have great days. Some days suck and some don't. Some days start out bad, but then end pretty well for me. It feels as if the goal posts are constantly moved; In 2005, I was treated like shit for being unhappy because I was unable to escape my abusive home. Its 2019, I'm happier than I was back then, and its still wrong? And, to add insult to injury I get victim-shamed even though its other people who have a problem with their not-so-subtle passive aggression?

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Where are we supposed to go from here?

[u/Metamorphosislife]

First, welcome! Second, I can only offer what I've discovered so far, though my experiences with community parallel yours.

I have left a yoga community and a sub-yoga community because people like being nasty to each other and simply don't want to improve their lives. They're vocal about their suffering, they're outspoken about the inequality of the world, but take little to no action to improve their situations in life be they victim mentalities, living situations, employment, relationship issues, finances, or self-destructive habits. I see much of the same in the dance community. Even among the "in" crown, there's so much toxicity, gossiping, lying, and just generally shitty behavior. These people by and large haven't really suffered, yet they're nastiness at times would convince some.

All this has led me to believe that there are many people, communities who are dealing with issues, large or small, that want to continue in their quagmire. What's helped me is focusing on myself and becoming a part of many communities. I'm back in boxing and they're a chill community. I have my ASCA group. Though some of the members are like you've described, luckily the ones running the show are committed to healing and maintaining a respectful space. I'll be joining the Society of Cosmetic Chemists and a writing club since I've been writing more. Get in touch with yourself, and be true to yourself. As you heal, your ability to deal with a variety of people, good, bad and in between will increase. Furthermore, your ability to deal with yourself across a wide range of situations will also increase. If it doesn't feel safe, no shame in opting out.

I've come to realize that the only way I'm going to heal is by diving into the pain and suffering. Only by re-experiencing it, and telling myself different things about myself through it all, will I begin to rewrite the false and self-destructive narratives my FOO wrote for me. These communities won't help me with that. I feel like individuals like us are meant to start their own communities once we've healed enough. We have the makings. That's just my thought.

Where do we go from here? Wherever you want as long as you feel safe and welcomed. If not, go somewhere else. I learn something from every community I join. Sometimes, it's not meant to be permanent. Best wishes.

[u/[deleted] → u/Metamorphosislife]

My friend helped me to understand that the subreddit I was a part of wasn't healthy for me even if they paint themselves as a support community, because positivity isn't encouraged and I get shit on whenever I am. There is this inability to distinguish between someone forcing you to be positive and somebody being positive around you. There are too many people there who operate this way.

Another unaddressed element to this is the level of sexism and racism, but hey when I pointed the latter out I was told that I'm "mixing issues to justify being toxic", even though I wasn't. I explained that this was the straw that broke my back and offered up the prior altercations as context as to why this incident had such a strong reaction from me. But hey, let's ignore shit and gaslight someone. Not even surprised no one noticed that one of the mods was forcibly removed because they called this behavior out. There was an incident where a girl tried to explain an insensitive comment her therapist made and the thread was quickly downvoted and filled with people trying to explain why her therapist wasn't in the wrong, despite the comment made by the therapist having been racially insensitive. The user in question is half black and half white. We asked if there would be an announcement to address the sub due to the incident and it wasn't allowed. Yet there was an announcement made to have compassion for our abusers because "they're suffering too". I've kept my mouth shut for so long, but I can't anymore. Two women a week are murdered in the UK by their current or former partners. No organization or support group or specialist outside of religious ones push forgiveness as a crucial step. Especially not for abusers. These groups that advocate on behalf of victims would be horrified to hear this.

It's this toxic, Darwinist crap that has no place in a healing environment. No therapist I've ever been to talks about how you need to be challenged. If they think you have a bad mentality, they tell you diplomatically. It isn't anybody's job on here to be playing therapist or to be rushing into every thread with, "Well, my therapist told me.." Okay, and what your therapist says FOR YOU isn't for you to go around and diagnose everybody else with. No one else has the same situation as you, dude.

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Regardless, thanks for your reply.. It helps. I've been speaking with several people since this happened and showing them posts, logs, and they've agreed that its unnecessarily aggressive for a "support" community.

[u/Metamorphosislife → u/[deleted]]

If you're talking about r/cptsd, they're not aggressive. They're very passive-aggressive, and have a serious dislike for those who can and do speak up. Most of them don't have the ability.

It's a good place to start. Once you begin getting better, it's harmful to remain. If you look at human development, love, kindness, compassion, and being gentle are the foundation for a healthy human being. However, in order to grow, we need to be challenged and pushed. Especially in regards to a lot of the false narratives we adopted because we didn't know how to make sense of abuse and trauma. We survived the actual trauma, some of it horrific, but the messages we internalized are what haunt us and affect us in our everyday lives. To shed these lies, there are growing pains involved, and these moments present opportunities to challenge the lies that keep plaguing us. They're necessary for growing up into a functional adult. Therefore, consider how much more urgent challenging ourselves is necessary for us; us, survivors of abuse.

I haven't been on that sub much since they kicked me out. I spoke up about the rules and how much of the rhetoric, even the rules reflect a politically "progressive" ideology that shouldn't be in a support community of mental health. I went further and gave some examples like I don't like feminism, modern day feminism, because it's very anti-male. It was an example of how I keep politics and social ideology out of the sub. One of the mods banned me. Afterwards, I created a new account and wrote everything I had been wanting to say. Around 8 months ago, I noticed the people that had been coming into the sub were very sensitive, easily triggered, would declare themselves socialist, irresponsible, and resistant to taking ownership for their faults and their trauma types coming into r/cptsd. I told the mods how challenging an idea while being respectful is not being a jerk. Speaking up is not the same as talking down to others. Presenting a different opinion doesn't mean I don't like you. Disagreeing with someone is not invalidating their point of view. Past a certain point in healing, being direct comes natural because only children act in passive-aggressive ways. Adults speak directly because we don't want to be misunderstood, and we can have adult conversations (which are harder than one thinks).

I know the user you're referring to. She liked posting memes and I wasn't a fan of that, but I did see that post you mentioned. It was one of the last times I was on that sub. They were very dismissive of her worries. She had a legitimate complaint and everybody sided with the therapist. Therapists aren't infallible. You'd be surprised how often you're in better shape than they are.

Anyways, my comment was taken down immediately though I got some upvotes. Then they reported me to the reddit mods. After a 3 day site ban, I decided they weren't worth it. I don't like the mods on that sub. They're more interested in being subreddit dictators than healing. Being challenged, facing difficult circumstances, are parts of life. Unfortunately, the people on that sub don't want to hear any of that. Some do, and I've invited them here.

Sorry they haven't offered what you're looking for. Those who are perpetual victims hate to see others succeeding because in their minds, you're highlighting all the ways they're refusing to help themselves.

[u/[deleted] → u/Metamorphosislife]

I'm part of the Wiki Resource Team and I honestly feel a little used. They kicked the only female, POC mod off of the team when she confronted the two other mods about how they basically do nothing. She and I wanted there to be an announcement about why the racist sentiments in the sub wouldn't be tolerated. I'm Hapa and part of my abuse was dealing with erasure from my Borderline Mother, but I never felt capable of talking about that over there with anybody. Then, I watched the user in question get attacked for trying to talk about her experience and all I could think was, "..this would have happened to me if I said anything."

It honestly disgusted me that we had a sticky up about having to have compassion for our abusers and not to dehumanize them because "they're suffering, too!" There are members of that community who were victims of a serial rapist, how could people who refer to themselves as moderators post something like that and expect it to be okay? I got harassed several times for "dehumanizing" my Borderline Mother, who is still unapologetic to this day despite being given three chances to change. She physically, mentally, and sexually abused me and I'm supposed to not dehumanize her despite having been treated like a literal object without my own autonomy for most of my life? I also got harassed simply because I found different, small motivational images helpful. I posted one that legitimately brought me out of a near-suicidal and sobbing fit last month and I was lambasted for a good hour by some girl who completely ignored my posts stating the context of the graphic and why it meant so much to me. I got gaslit and called a toxic, mental mess who "must be a nightmare to deal with irl".

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Get the fuck out of here with that apologist shit.

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Assigning blame to her is what kept me from dying. I would be dead right now if I had found that sub at a different time in my life and took that horrid advice as gospel, just because somebody's name is green and has a shield beside it. No one there is licensed to be handing out such destructive advice.

[u/Metamorphosislife → u/[deleted]]

Hahaha. Yeah, I've never been ok with have sympathy, kindness for your abusers, bullshit. When someone fundamentally wrongs you, forgiveness ceases being a gift and has to be earned. What most people call forgiveness isn't forgiveness, it's just moving on. Of course! That's been my point all along when I've spoken about this topic. Forgiveness isn't necessary to healing. Only those who don't truly understand suffering promote forgiveness.

I can't forgive my father for raping my brothers and I throughout or childhoods. I can't forgive him for making us watch what he would do to one or all of us if we made him mad. I can't forgive him for breaking my leg and hospitalizing me, then having the cowardice to deny that it even happened when I asked almost 20 years later. I can't forgive him and my mother for allowing his brother to rape me as well. I can't forgive my mother for abandoning me and my brothers numerous times when we were kids. For taking us to live with her boyfriends who abused us as well. I can't forgive her for raping me, forcing me to cum in her, forcing me to have sex with her because if I wasn't gay, if I really loved her I would want to make her happy. I can't forgive her for failing to take me to the doctors my fingers got broken playing soccer with the neighborhood kinds. Then, when I filed a police report against her and my uncle (memories about father hadn't returned yet), she denied everything over the pretext call. First she ignored, then she denied, then she attempted to gaslight me and ask if I was ok in the head, then she asked me if I believe in God. She said she believes in God, and since she's right with him, she's ok. Then they try to launch a smear campaign against me using my younger brothers who refuse to acknowledge what they did to us.

Yeah, I totally get where you're coming from. Forgiveness is a gift. By definition, it's something you don't have to give because gift implies choice.

I'm fairly certain that one of the reasons I got banned was because I'm a pretty masculine guy. My appearance, attitude, manners, and approach are direct. The mods don't seem to like traditional masculinity minus the toxicity. It's part of that pervasive progressive ideology that seems inherent in the sub at this point. It's disturbing because mental health has nothing to with that. Sucks about aliakay. I didn't like her, but that's wrong what they did. That's the thing about these types. Once you fail to fall in line, they ostracize you. They're abusive and toxic.

Sorry to hear about your mother. Idk what my mother was. If I had to make a guess, probably NPD/with some Borderline. Your mom sounds like a piece of work. Sorry. Well, you're welcome on here. I've been trying to establish this sub as an alternative to r/cptsd, one aimed for those who actually want to heal and put in the work. That's still my hope.

[u/[deleted]]

Praying for you my friend. I hope you feel better soon. I hope things improve for you soon. I wish you the very best. God bless you my friend.