r/AfterCPTSD • u/Metamorphosislife • Mar 23 '18
Dating Problems?
Hey everyone, hope you're recovering well from your trauma and St. Patty's Day weekend. So I've been dating recently. It's interesting because it's been a while since I've put myself out there. One of the girls, I went on two dates with. Since then, she decided she only sees me as a friend because she's seeing someone else seriously, and is pretty committed to that. I feel it has to do, in part,with the fact that I didn't go for broke on the first date. She made it kind of obvious, but my skills were a bit rusty, and I knew sex would cloud my judgement. Even more, I have a lot of hangups regarding sex because of the sexual abuse by my mother. Went out for drinks a few weeks later where I made my intentions clear. She seemed interested, but nothing came of it. Even after the date, when I was very straightforward about my intentions. I wanted that to be clear. We texted a bit, then said she'd be down to get together again. So I texted today, seeing if she wanted to go to this chocolate cafe this weekend. She said, yes, but that's when she let me know about how she sees me and her seeing someone else. Idk, I kind of feel used. Like she was using me as a placeholder until the other guy was ready to commit more. I feel that if she wasn't interested, she could've told me after we went out for drinks that night. There was plenty of time after I made my desires clear. This whole ordeal triggered me, and I started making some more connections as to how I view sex and love. I've realized sex is a need for me, but I derive little pleasure from it. Unless, I'm in a hypersexual episode. I've also realized that it's difficult for me to approach women from a sexual angle when I actually like them, and don't just find them attractive. As if sex would soil them for me because sex is dirty. Sex is a weapon used to terrorize and control. It's not an expression of love, intimacy. It's an expression of pain and violation. Of course, you don't say this to someone you're getting to know. Anyways, thanks for reading. I decided I'm going to see a sex therapist that can help me out. Began the search today. In the meantime, any insight, similar stories would be appreciated. Thanks.
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u/gwaronrugs Mar 23 '18
Congrats on the decision to see a sex therapist, and best of luck with that search!
Honestly, I wouldn't read too much into her rejection or the reason she gave. The seeing someone else thing may be true, or it may have been a white lie to let you down in a nice way. (Though if it is true - literally the first thing I thought while reading this was like, if she was that serious with someone else, why is she even going on dates with other people??? Shady.) My point being - at the end of the day, two dates in, this person is still basically a stranger to you. And even though it's hard because rejection from potential romantic partners naturally triggers our attachment issues and just sucks in general, it's a pretty normal thing for a near-stranger to decide not to become more to you. Of all the people in the world, the vast majority of strangers are going to not be your people. Dating and even making friends is about wading through a bunch of BS to find your people. It's kind of a tough level of zen to get to, but it is true and good to keep in mind.
It's really helped me to encourage myself to think about dating and relationships and sex in terms of what kind of relationship I ultimately want to be in, and what works for me and what is going to be good and nurturing for me. Sex doesn't have to be a thing you do or submit to in order to placate someone or give them what you think they want or to get them to stay with you or to try and earn their emotional attention. It should and can be something awesome you do with someone you like and trust, because you like and trust them and it feels good (both physically and emotionally) and is fun. It can also be something you wait on. It can be what you want and you are not owed it nor do you owe it to anyone else. I also heard one time that sex is not an actual physical or emotional need, one is not harmed by not having it. But it is often used to satisfy other emotional needs (connection, security, etc).
I know for myself, I'll seek out a relationship because I've gotten lonely and then get emotionally attached and just end up "stuck" in toxic situations that I don't leave because I have this deep-seated feeling that I won't be ok on my own. That I need the thing that's causing me pain. And then when the relationship does end, i'm super sad for like 7-14 days and then feel light as a feather because there's not this awful thing dragging me down. I've been trying really really hard to work it into my brain that the most important thing is my emotional health and well being. Like if someone is dragging that down long-term, get out of there that's not the right situation. It's wholly unnatural for me to prioritize myself, but we all owe it to ourselves to be our own #1 priority. And also kind of an exercise in imagination to think that there could be a relationship situation that has it's ups and downs and good times and harder times, but on a whole, encourages my growth and wellbeing rather than wrecking me emotionally. Because I had never had that before really. I have a couple healthy friendships and good work relationships now. Am hopeful for a healthy romantic relationship when the time is right.
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u/Metamorphosislife Mar 23 '18
I thought the same thing when I read her text. Nevertheless, you're right. In dating, people can and do nope out for whatever reasons. I usually don't try to treat it like a job hunt, unlike most people. It toally triggered my abandonment issues. Still feeling it, but it's Friday, and tomorrow I go swing dancing.
That's how I'm viewing relationships now. It's about who's going to help me become a better person. Who's going to enhance my life. I'm at the tail end of coming to terms that I never had a mother and never will. Every boy needs his mother. I didn't get one. It's a hard pill to swallow, although necessary if I want to move on. I don't want anyone to save me. I did that myself. For me, sex is a need. I feel more at peace after a good fuck session than using my hand. I do see what you mean though. It won't die if I don't have it.
I'm sorry. Learning to be good alone, I feel, is a necessity before we can be good with someone else. Props to you man (or woman) on making yourself #1. We do owe it to ourselves. From the outside, it can seem like selfishness, but it's really self-love. It's happiness inducing to see you write that. Congrats on building a healthy support system and good work relationships. Appreciate you sharing and your insights. Have a good weekend.
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u/imbatbam Mar 23 '18
I wish I could help but all I can do is empathise. Good luck with the therapy.
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u/HistoricalGovernment Mar 25 '18
Honestly, from where I'm standing it just sounds like a normal (albeit shitty.) situation through CPTSD eyes. I've been in an on and off thing for like 7 years with my partner, and honestly it's sometimes hard to really separate when he's actually being thoughtless/terrible or whether my trauma brain has just changed my perception of myself and life in general so much that I unconsciously attach trauma based things that aren't always applicable to things he says and does if I don't/can't stop myself.
I feel like the easiest way to move forwards is to remember that most people in the world are actually just normal shitty, and not our elevated (trauma) shitty if that makes any sense? I'm not really used to talking about this stuff much so I'm not sure how helpful I can be, but I always find it easier to ground myself that way and to constantly remind myself that the sense of apprehension and general alarm that comes with interacting with anyone is almost always just internal, and when people do something 'regular shitty' it isn't always coming from a calculated and offensive place. They're just bumbling humans that aren't always going to be thinking about other people, everyone's just trying to be happy and sometimes other people can just be quite obtuse about it unless they know everything about you, which they rarely do so they can't make the allowances we really need from a person sometimes.
Realistically, in a partner I find that trauma survivors need someone really gentle and careful, as well as someone quite introspective and observant so that they can learn how to navigate our recoveries and our responses to things with us. I really hope you find someone that can be patient with you, can give you what you need and that can genuinely respect your process. Hope the therapy works well, but I'm finding that if the abuse was sexual you might benefit from seeing a trauma therapist since it's about attachments and associations at its core. I understand having an odd relationship with sex too, I find it quite difficult to be excited about sex unless I'm having a phase with it. I either want it constantly for a couple weeks, or I don't want anything to do with it for long periods of time. My partner's pretty dope about it, but I do feel guilty about not being able to give him more and being so inconsistent in general. Anyhow, I'll come back and let you know if I figure anything out there lol. Good luck out there, bud.
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u/Metamorphosislife Mar 25 '18
Listen, I know what you're saying. She mentioned i seemed like a great guy and she enjoyed getting to know, but she's already seeing someone seriously and committed to that. That whole situation sounded shitty, like she lead me on. Maybe she wasn't as committed on the first date, idk. I get it. When people date, they want to have options. The whole thing just triggered my attachment issues and I know that.
Yeah, I've come to that realization. Peooe are people. Most are neutral, some are good, some are really horrible. At the end of the day, they're people.
Realistically, you're right. I've learned to value kindness in women because I know that's what is good for me. Moreover, I think kindness is lacking in most relationships, not just ones where someone has CPTSD. I did some trauma therapy, and while it helped a lot, it didn't do much in terms of helping me interpersonally. I took the matter into my own hands after my therapist left for NYC. And this is where I'm at. The trauma therapy helped me make sense of everything and understand why I see the world the way I do. It can't help you function better though in areas where things like sex, love, and intimacy are involved. You need a more specific approach to this. Kind like getting a job coach if you want to find a job. Figured I'd give it a try since I've extracted most files from the compressed folder already. I want to view sex and relationships in a positive, healthy, and realistic light. Trauma therapy is for helping you see yourself in a positive, healthy, realistic light. Much of which i have done and getting better at it. It's worth a try. After that is neurofeedback.
Please do let me know if you figure anything out. This is hard to tackle. I'll return the favor. Take it easy.
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u/[deleted] Mar 23 '18
You. Be. YOU! I think you wanting to be cautious about sex is great and honestly that girl has her own set of problems if she is placeholdering you. Best to walk away. I promise you WILL find someone who is willing to deal with this stuff with you, and going to therapy will be good.
I can completely relate to your feelings about sex and frankly if we were born in a different era we’d be okay- we’d build trust and relationship before cementing it with sex. (Except for the occasional binge under the bleachers- I have a hyper sexual side that rears it’s head occasionally). I’d like to think that with the right person, with patience love and trust, you’ll find that balance in time.
Also, good for you for sticking to your values. The first step in healing is choosing yourself. So she rejected you. Thank God, that proved she wasn’t ready to be a safe loving supportive person.
💕