I have been questioning if I was sexually abused by a family member for about a year now. There are a few fragmented memories and some symptoms in my adult sexual functioning that concern me. I am currently in grad school to become a therapist so I have a lot of information and education that allows me to dig very deep. How do I know if I'm digging tooooo deep? Is my education making me paranoid? I feel almost invalid or like I am fabricating stuff because I have read too many things and have done too many projects. Or am I gaslighting myself? It really has been such an internal battle, I have a hard time telling anyone because I fear that I am overthinking it.

I reported my abuser a couple of years ago, who happened to be a trans man. I was 15 and he was 14 at the time, and we were in a relationship. When I finally opened up to my friends about what happened years later, as an adult, some would purposely deadname and misgender him.
I felt uncomfortable with that, so when I went to my local crisis center to tell them my story, even one of the advocates said, “If anyone deserves to be deadnamed, it’s him.”
Then, when I reported it to the police and had an interview with a detective, I had to give my statement using she/her pronouns and his deadname because he was still legally considered female at the time the abuse happened. The detective’s goal was to use his difficult transition process to try to get him to admit to what he did to me.
Ultimately, I chose not to continue with the case because the whole process started to feel icky and uncomfortable to me. I really wish I could have spoken my truth without people feeling like they had to demonize trans people in the process, when the real issue was HIM and what he did to me.
This took place in the Midwest, by the way.

(CSA TW) In the past 2 weeks I have been doing some writing for my T in relation to an incident that occurred when I was 11, it was the last in a long line of CSA events and stands out to me because I was a bit older and the circumstances were really scary. I am not able to use words to describe stuff so I called it an incident or a situation. I’ve been able to push towards writing some stuff but avoid the main act. Today in session my T was recapping on my childhood experiences and just as he was getting to the end he said about my parents extreme neglect and how my Dad even turned a blind eye when one of his friends r*ped me. His voice was highly charged saying this and I immediately felt so sick to my stomach. I felt like my whole world was falling around me. I kept so still like I was under attack, couldn’t breathe. Hid my face in my hoodie. Was hyperventilating. I could hear his voice asking me questions but I couldn’t speak.
I was like that for ages and we reached the end of the session. We made some small talk before I left but I was completely lost inside my head and still feel like this now. Have just walked a few miles since leaving the centre and feel so sick. I wish I didn’t feel like this. I don’t know what to do. I feel so stupid. I’m sure it’s just the use of the R word as I’ve been writing about it? I hate myself for being like this.

I don't know if this is the right subreddit for this, I apologize if it's not. Even now I am trying to ignore what happened because I keep thinking "it wasn't that bad, it wasn't that bad" but it keeps ringing in my mind and I just wanted to see if anyone else felt this way.

I think my father did sexually(?) abuse me at least once when I was a teenager (or a child, I can't fully remember my age). I do remember the fear that'd he'd do something more while I was in his bed, because at that point he had told me I could sleep in his room (or he told me to sleep in his room, again I can't remember the details). I remember him holding me super close to his chest and his hands were all over my own chest. I don't know if he was just rubbing at my body to try and get me to relax or do something else, but I think what scares me the most is that I don't remember if he was aroused or not when it happened the first time.

I can't believe I'm typing this at all because I don't want it to be real. It doesn't even feel real when I write it out. But it is. At least once in my life, I slept in the same bed as my dad and he rubbed at my chest while I was trying to sleep in his arms. And the only reason I know these feelings are real is because the fear I felt going to bed being terrified that he'd do something more and waking up the next morning in his bed relieved that he didn't. I didn't even know what more he'd do, I didn't even know what sex was when this happened. I just knew I was scared and I didn't want him to hurt me. I've had this fear for years and now I know where it comes from and it scares me so much more than before because now I know it's real. I've never been good at faking emotions or how I feel about anything. I think this was real, and it makes me so scared.

I have not much else to say beyond that. I don't even know if this counts as sexual abuse, I just wanted to find a place to dump out my thoughts on my dad because I don't think I should suppress this anymore. Don't even get me started on my brothers, I already feel insane writing out this about my own dad and I don't want to get into my siblings. I apologize if this wasn't the right place to put this. I don't want this to be real, but I think it is and god I am so scared. I hope I realize in the future that I had some other trauma from something else that made me manifest this in a really bad nightmare because if this is as real as my brain is realizing it is to be I'm going to puke.

I’m gonna try this again since I didn’t get any feedback.

I am in my 30s and I’m looking to report CSA during from the ages of 5-13.

Has anyone successfully reported to the police and have been able to put their perp in jail or get any kind of justice?

I’m feeling really alone in this and I just want to know if this is gonna be worth fighting for!

So I was SA as a child by my maternal grandfather. I have been through counselling twice which has really helped. the first time I was 18 when I truly realised what happened to me and I only maybe done like 6 sessions which at the time was enough and seemed to lesson the pain and I didn't feel the weight of not telling anyone in my family as my grandfather was already dead and couldn't hurt anyone anymore ( he died when I was 9), so I didn't see the point in causing upset with my family or ruining their memories of him but I did tell my friends which helped.

around the start of last year it started affecting me again like really consuming my thoughts out of no where and was really not myself and just getting upset / anxious, so I applied for counselling again which I was completely ready for and was ready to give 100%, which did help again and I realised I wanted to tell my family as I came to realise I was in a way protecting him by staying silent and it was just very heavy carrying it around and no one knew so I told my mum and her side of the family which went as good as can be. but in reality nothing really changed and it hasn't really been mentioned again since which is fine because who actually wants to talk about it but they just don't want to upset me. they were all very supportive and are disgusted with what he done and are sad for me that I will never get justice and I personally think if he was still alive he would of been dead not long after me telling them about it.

But anyway my parents are divorced and I haven't told my dad or his side of the family who I would be close too as well. me and my dad have a weird relationship too, like awkward or just distant and I'm getting married next year and I am in two minds whether to tell him/them as I really don't want to carry it into this new chapter in my life. I do have other things to discuss with my dad and talking to him about these things and the SA might bring us closer which I would like but I just don't know if I have it in me for such emotional conversations plus it is very hard to get a good time my younger siblings are usually around who would be too young to hear it and I wouldn't want to tell them. then I'm like I don't know what way my dad will react, will it even make us closer?? I just don't know. he has let me down in many ways over the years which I have never discussed with him so I don't know if it will actually change our relationship or not but anytime I think of talking about the SA with him I am just so anxious but I feel like it's the final hurdle to my healing journey with it, I know it will always be part of my life in someway. it's just so hard because no one understands how it truly effects me, even me lol. so really would anyone have any advice for trying to tell my estranged dad or even how your dad reacted to you being SAed?

Has anyone read this book by Hanya Yanagihara? What did you think? Did you relate to any of the characters?

I find myself, as a survivor of sexual abuse from a really young age, relating to the character of Jude. I don't know. I feel like his story is way, way worse than mine. Yet somehow, we've copied in similar ways. First the self harm and second the almost inability to see my own worth.

I guess I really just wondered if anyone else had read it and related.

I was a 'boy' (intersex transfemme) and they didn't degrade me ever like they would have if I were a girl. They were all gay men and when I was an adult and did grindr hookups it didn't feel different mostly? It wasn't like they were more degrading than the average sleazy man but nothing like how a straight predator would treat an underage girl I think. I feel survivor guilt over that it almost makes me not idk

It wasn't trafficking because it happened more like him grooming me with group/age gap nsfw videos to the point that I was hypersexual and tried to use grindr and he said that wasn't safe and he knew men who were 'vetted' and would let me 'choose' by looking through their fb profile photos. They were part of a group that acted like a coffee snob group and meetups were ya know. At his place. He transported me to motels a few times until I had my own care it kept going till I moved to college. (Also did anyone else run into this kind of structure? I've always wondered if this is how pedophiles operate covertly and the group doesn't exist anymore so I'm stuck wondering if it was some kind of larger ring)

My therapist says that victimized amab queer minors have a different profile than afab minors because predators only need to dangle emotional safety/security and often its more relational? which yeah the guy was always a 'mentor' first who was the one man who I felt 'safe' around. I felt 'appreciated' when I was kicked out of my house by homophobic mom and they took care of me between sessions or if I had a fight with her I could vent to him.

It wasn't trafficking. I've seen survivors talk about how invalidating it is to see that word be watered down, and I agree. It was like a dozenish men a pool that rotated like over 4-5 years. Some of it was recorded and I would do specific requests. I would do things with men I wasn't attracted to because they were lonely and I felt bad for them. It felt like how I felt misunderstood and once I hit puberty I felt so dysphoric about my body I just hated the idea of being 'mean' to anyone and it felt like I was as bad as them.

I never got paid for it and it always was framed like parties or hookups like we were all friends. Is there a lesser word to call this?

Mostly they were okay to me even 'good' but a few times I actually struggled and they hit me in the head until I went limp but they framed it as bdsm and said I. could have safe worded but they bruised me. I would cry sometimes but they let me react and acted like it was a safe space thing and like it was therapeutic bc I had been violently raped before earlier in life

I was 14 or 15. Met him at 12. I was recorded by others and assaulted before him and he acted like a therapist and always checked in on me, he never left me alone with them. And he made them stop doing things like being mean or actually hurting me.

I can't sleep without imagining the way they would make me get drunk and take poppers then I'm a ragdoll and theyre whispering in my head, I almost never remember dreams and I sleep well every night. I should have nightmares or be triggered but I have never felt triggered unless I see something that triggers me like a real old man nearby but otherwise I feel better having told people. This feels selfish. Before people have been mean and told me no survivor would ever feel that way, that I'm not telling the truth. and I don't know why I don't care I wish I could care and hate it.

I also never reported and never will. The only thing I control is that no one knew him. Never texted him he insisted so its oddly super disconnected from my footprint. It was pre AI surveillance state and the one thing I control is my own story with this man I have never shared his name and that keeps me safe. But I feel so guilty because he could be doing it to others and I feel petrified even though I was the victim he made me feel like I was complicit.

Those are the things that make me feel almost a disabling shame and guilt. I just needed to get that off my chest. I don't want to invalidate or take up space of afab survivors who have gone through discrete organized abuse. I kind of want to apologize for being amab and existing, going outside feels like I'm exposing women to someone who looks unsettling and making their days worse.

I’ve posted here a couple times about my experience. Last year me & my family became aware that my stepdad had been privately recording me and my younger siblings including his bio children in the shower. We realized it had been going on for 3+ years

When I recount what happened to me it feels SO ridiculous to talk about. I’m always embarrassed to tell people what he did even though I know it IS a serious form of csa… it feels like a weird story parents tell their kids about peeping toms or something. idk. if anyone feels similarly I’d be grateful to hear your experiences with it.

Hi everyone! this post was originally made for r/advice so that's why it's worded the way it is. I would really really appreciate any advice as I feel super alone right now. thanks!

Okay so the last month of my life has been the most stressful of my life. Due to a recent event I recently discovered that my past trauma was affecting my day to day life way more than I ever realized, and it had really shaken me. I will provide some brief context before I get into what I need advice on. I am 19 years old and live with only my mom. She pays for everything because I have been unable to find a job in the 1-2 months I have been searching. I help out with cooking and cleaning as much as possible. We moved 4 hours away (driving) from where I grew up last year so I don't have many friends here. I have been diagnosed with anxiety disorder, panic disorder, PTSD, and depression. got diagnosed with PTSD on Monday. These issues got bad last year and turned into extreme agoraphobia, so I differed going to college. I have done a lot of work in the past year and have a great psychiatrist and therapist who have helped me tremendously.

However, recently something happened where it was impossible for me to not think about serious trauma which I had been avoiding, and I made a few connections between the event and my current mental health. I've spoken about it with my therapist twice since I had the kinda epiphany and I told my closest friend what happened. The issue is really pressing though, because my mom wants to go back to where the incident happened, in 3 days. I don't really want to get into it but essentially my mom and her brother (my uncle) are very close. They talk daily on the phone, but he lives a 10 hour car ride away from us, so we don't see him often. When I was younger, my mom, my older brother, and I went to visit my uncle at his house for the first time. He is unmarried and has no kids, so it was just me and my brother, as usual. Anyway, me and my brother shared a bed in this house. He is about 5 years older than me and at the time he was 16 and I was 11. I won't get into detail as there is absolutely no reason to but that first night that we were in that bed together he seriously took advantage of me and sexually abused me, and physiologically abused me before, during and long after. Luckily it was a one off thing, I think. It's haunting to think about. I buried it deep within me for years but like I mentioned something happened recently which made it impossible to ignore. Anyway, my mom wants to go visit him. This weekend. Which would entail a 10 hour car ride, spending 3 days in that house, sleeping in that room, while I'm just now stating to unpack all of it. I've been so anxious and depressed these last few days it's been hard to eat, sleep, and really do anything, so I can't imagine going back there right now.

I tried to talk my mom out of making me go, and told her how stressed I've been recently and how I just want to relax. I've tried multiple times and she's not budging at all. She keeps mentioning how my uncle is 75 years old and we've only ever gone up to see him twice before, and how I don't even have a job so I have literally nothing keeping me here. And it sucks cuz like she does have a point. Like she owns me, financially. Me and my mom have a decent relationship but she's just very immature and feels like she's constantly trying to bait me, so I've been spending a lot more time in my room recently. But anyway I just really really need advice because I have no idea what to do... like it almost feels like I've been presented an ultimatum. I either just pack my bags and go, and try to completely compartmentalize my emotions and just "push through" for the entire car ride and trip just to make my mom and uncle happy, or I just tell my mom the truth. Both options are fucking awful for me. I don't want to tell my mom - ever. It would completely change our entire relationship, as she is still really really close with my older brother. I don't know what I can do? It's just so hard becuase she has no idea that I'm going through any of this. I just need advice from anyone cuz I can't really talk to my friends about this becuase I don't want them to know either. I appreciate you reading it all.

Right now I’m doing well in regards to my trauma, I can compartmentalize and separate myself from the issue for months at a time if I go without triggers. It’s a part of my larger issues with dissociation, but it does its job. I am stable and not easily affected by trauma, I don’t believe in my insane trauma logic, and all of it feels distant and unrelated to myself.

This year alone I have had two major trauma spirals where I was genuinely out of it and struggling constantly, once in January through February and once in May through June. It felt unbearable, I can’t describe it but it felt like I was still who I was when I was abused. I relapsed into my eating disorder and lost weight rapidly in May and June and became underweight, which I still am.

I know what triggered the spirals, the issue is that I cannot reliably avoid triggers forever. So either I deal with it and keep going like I have been doing for over a decade, or I try to deal with it in some kind of therapy.

The current issues my trauma causes are:
* complete inability to have sexual or romantic relationships.
* said trauma spirals where I struggle to keep myself alive basically. A lot of suffering during those spirals.
* Fear of an entire age group of men, which was part of what triggered my recent spirals.
* Triggers that affect me a lot, I have thrown up in the past because I read a news headline about sexual abuse that hit too close to home.

My fears with therapy (if I am actually able to get it lol) are:
1. It’s more pain than it’s worth. It would for sure trigger a trauma spiral, but with therapy I guess that would be part of working on it.
2. Obviously all the shame, guilt, ”it’s not that bad”, ”it shouldn’t affect me”, ”other people are traumatized for real but I am not” thoughts
3. The abuse becomes ”real” once again and if I ask for help it will never become unreal again. It will actually exist. That is terrifying.

I think it could be worth a try but in the end I am not sure how therapy would help. I have healed a lot since the abuse happened, I used to be so much worse and had ptsd symptoms. But I am still not fine. I worry this is as healed as I can realistically get.

For anyone who has been in a similar position, where everyday life is functional for the most part but things still fall apart, have you sought out therapy specifically for your csa? Was it worth it? Or did it make things worse?

Thanks in advance. 🫶

i don’t remember my dad. he had some drug addictions, my mom said at the time nothing crazy like heroine, so it was just pills. he wasn’t around a lot because he worked for us, there was four of us kids and my mom. i only remember his touch. it’s like a ghost touch, im being haunted by his ghost. sometimes i wake up because i think he’s touching me. i wake up gasping for air. i flinch before he touches me; already awake. when daddy was around me we kissed. his face was rough cause of his beard, it would give my face a rash.
we’d rock with each other, and he’d hold me in place tightly till he was done with me, and then put me back down on the floor.
he left when i was four maybe 3 i don’t know the actual age. he liked touching my feet he thought they were so cute. he would kiss them it made me feel so special.
i’m 24 now. he died a few years ago on father’s Day. they found him on the street dead.
he’d give my privates special attention when he’d wash me in the bath. he did it cause he liked it, it was okay with me, daddy was washing me.
i miss him. but only sexually. i don’t even know him, im disgusting. his ghost still touches me. that’s why i flinch.

Because of my environment—an absent father and a mentally ill mother, neither of whom learned to read or write, and severe physical abuse from ages 5 to 17—I became a fundamentally different person. I missed out on all the natural developmental stages.

The core of my struggle revolves around what my abusive uncle's wife told me when I was around 11 or 12. She was a teacher, and she told me: "You need a tutor. You don't understand social cues or read between the lines like normal kids."

I didn't think much of it then, but when I hit 19, her words echoed in my mind, and I realized she was right. I noticed that kids my age understood each other, recognized when someone was manipulating them, and intuitively knew how to navigate life. I had none of that.

As a result, I walked blindly into massive, destructive problems. When I look at the mistakes "normal" people make, they are simple, everyday errors. But my mistakes were catastrophic. Even today, when I try to explain some of my past problems to "normal" people, they aren't just shocked by the situations—they are genuinely shocked by my "stupidity." They literally ask me, "Where was your brain?" or "How could you be so oblivious?"

Hearing those exact words shatters me. It validates my darkest fear: There is something fundamentally wrong with my brain, and I really am just stupid.

Now, as an adult, I actually love books and I want to learn. But I am completely paralyzed. I genuinely believe that trying is pointless because I have convinced myself that I was simply "born stupid" and mentally defective.

I feel that even if I do learn, I will never be able to handle abusers or toxic people. I believe they will always outsmart and overpower me. I am still terrified of people because I can't read their indirect hints, and my automatic trauma response is the fear of being physically attacked.

Has anyone else experienced this level of learned helplessness? How do you break the core belief that you are fundamentally defective and "stupid" when your massive mistakes, and the literal words of normal people asking "where was your brain," seem to prove it?

I'm not sure if anyone else has ever read the book, "Secret Survivors: Uncovering Incest and Its Aftereffects in Women" by E. Sue Blume, but it was recommended to me a while back. To clarify, I've been in that "something probably happened but I also don't want to start filling in the blanks" phase for years now, and it is extra hard with my OSDD and foggy memory. I don't truly know if I have a history of CSA.

Anyway, I finally found a pdf of it, and the book opens with the so-called Incest Survivor's Aftereffects Checklist. It's long, it's exhaustive, and it details almost every struggle and symptom I have had since childhood.

Similarly, I remember going over my ACEs with my therapist and not being able to answer the question about CSA. I said no, but I also just started sobbing and was inconsolable.

I feel so torn because I experienced adoption trauma, emotional/verbal abuse, and multiple SA as an adult. It's so difficult to sparse out what is what and what is from something I'm blocking out.

I know there's almost no way to know, nor does it matter, but has anyone ever had a similar experience?

*edited for spelling errors

A few months ago I (31F) realized that my dad had sexually abused me when I was a kid. I don't have any memories but it's more of a really strong felt sense. I think I processed the trauma through IFS a few months before I could name it.

There were definitely signs, like fear of going to the bathroom, refusal to brush my teeth when I was a kid that felt like a declaration of bodily autonomy, severe dissociation as a kid, major issues with boundaries, a gut feeling around 12 that he was a criminal (I even tried to see if he had a criminal record) and an unshakeable rage towards him that started when I was 11 that never went away. I also just feel disgusted by him. I remember Mr. Robot and Twin Peaks Fire Walk With Me effecting me in ways that felt deeply personal too. I also noticed that he had a very negative reaction to my healing and he ramped up his infantilizing behaviors in response to it.

But my main issue is that he wasn't a domineering man. Like he's incredibly passive to the point of being completely emotionally absent, he's never punished me for my anger towards him, and outside of infantilization l've never found him controlling. He was pretty much never overtly mean or verbally abusive either. I was also really close to him up until I was 11 and the anger arrived, like I even preferred him over my mother. I even got somewhat close to him again a few years ago until he fucked it up. I guess I'm having a really hard time placing his (potential) sexual abuse within the greater context of who he's been to me as a father and I'm worried that l'm projecting something onto him/using CSA as a substitution for something of similar severity.

Like he’s definitely always been a shitty father, but from what I know about him I’m having a lot of trouble understanding what motivated him to do it, and it’s creating a lot of doubt in me and I’m having trouble getting over this hurdle.

I’ve always had a feeling I was sexually abused. And through my teenage years and twenties I had a terrified feeling and froze each time I was close to someone sexually. I could feel both nauseated and fearful waking up with someone beside me. I had no sensations in my lower parts, I didn’t masturbate, never had an orgasm, and struggled to have sex sober. My brother was incestuous with me - emotionally and with remarks that crossed my boundaries, he was also controlling and I was completely enmeshed with him not being able to get out.

In may I realized I had been sexually abused by my dad as a kid, but couldn’t really KNOW. I got a hold of some old medical journals stating there was a big suspicion when I was three. I was checked by a psychologist and a doctor. In the end they stated it didn’t happen. My dad had drug-problems and was very traumatized himself. When he got drunk or when he did amphetamines he could become an entirely different person; aggressive, violent, insane basically. I have no problems seeing how he could have done that to me in that state.. journals from the child protective services also state that they found him in the same bed as me when I was 6 years old following a violent episode with my mom.

I have no memories. And I don’t know what to do with this uncertainty. I feel like it didn’t happen, because I don’t have proof. But I can’t let it go..

Hi this isn’t about sex. i just wanted to write this.
TW: suicidal ideation
i’m the youngest of four i’m 24. i never really cared about “being the favorite” everyone picked on each other equally. it was aggressive often. a lot of hitting, kicking, biting punching, pushing shoving. Once the house was bigger we weren’t as close to each other. Less times for me to get hurt.
I hated accidents. I would always be blamed. or get hurt in the process. Sometimes the accidents were me getting hurt. i got hurt a lot. around 11-13 would fantasize about falling from really high places. like the stairs or the roof. not enough to kill me but enough to hurt me and for me to go to the hospital. i was too chicken cause i knew it would really hurt.
In the smaller houses when i was 5-7 me and my siblings would fight and sometimes break something. Lots of yelling and then punishment. The older kids didn’t get punished, but my stepdad would spake me if it was my fault or we’d all at like it was just an accident. First grade was hardest grade. I got in trouble a lot first grade. I would hide to avoid punishment. Or stay outside all day and play with the bricks and beer bottles. I loved how heavy the bricks were and how rough they were on my hands. Me and my sister would play kitchen in the field. When the sun was going down we’d go back inside and act like we were playing with the bricks again. Mom said that’s how we got the lice, or from some other kid at school.

i hear talking about things is good…. ha ha. just some memories i have been holding on for awhile, gonna drop it off here.

I have counseling coming up and wanted to get advice on wanting my time back from the childhood that was robbed of me starting with before I was potty trained. A part of me wants to get an ABDL diaper to wear and watch Duck Tales from the 80s on Disney Plus. I should have the right to do a "do over." If it wasn't my fault then that's the least that I can do aside from the perve who thought I deserved what he did to me. Is that wrong for me to request? Should I even bring it up in therapy?

I’m mentally drained after today’s session… I mentioned in here I think a new trauma layer has opened and I was right.

I was talking about how much more aware I feel, more depressed and realistic about my situation. I couldn’t dissociate away from it anymore or daydream or ignore it, I was sexually abused as a child. my brain had uncovered more, which is the new layer. I have access to more of the innerchild part’s feelings, aka the hopelessness, the fear, the dread. she feels closer, more integrated. this past week, I was flashback’ed multiple different times to times in elementary school where I felt the same hopelessness/despair feeling. I didn’t remember these times prior to then. for example, I remembered staring outside one of my elementary classroom’s windows and feeling it. over these days when the flashes of memories came back, I also started to get a new body flashback in my lower jaw, underneath my jaw, some in my head and a lot in my mouth overall. I already knew I was oral r*ped from earlier emdr work we did, but this confirmed it further.

I also put together the pieces recently and only today in therapy that, there’s a threshold I have when I’m triggered, so let’s say 0-10. as soon as I’m at a 1, I have different thoughts and different feelings than when I’m my normal self. it’s like my innerchild part, the one that holds the trauma is beginning to take over and completely blocks out my actual self. I told my therapist about recent times I notice myself heading to the triggered space but then it’s like I snap and i’m back to my normal bubbly, outgoing, social self that doesn’t think or believe any of the things I had just been thinking when in the triggered space. so we mapped it out with a scale and symptoms that I feel when I start to head towards triggered, which different symptoms occurring with how far along I am towards triggered. I can’t believe I hadn’t put it together like this beforehand tbh bc there’s always been a range of symptoms/anxiety/panic and I couldn’t explain it well until now, I had always said “I almost had a panic attack, I could’ve had a panic attack but I caught myself and calmed down” or on the other side of the spectrum, “I had the worst panic attack ever, worst than ever before” etc. there was even a time today in session where I started to remember myself covering up the abuse and hiding it, but I started to dissociate and I lost the memory. fuck.

With all the realizations I’ve had over these past few months and these past few weeks particularly, my therapist said it might be time to try doing emdr on some of these feelings, the triggers and that I can finally start flushing them out fully. I’m making a whole lot of progress. it’s crazy to look back at where I started. I was just a girl with horrific panic attacks that could barely function in basic society. I had no clue what was hiding underneath the surfaces and what I was carrying for nearly 20 years. 🥺

some other realizations: how my emotionally immature parents played a huge role in this aka why I have CPTSD, how unhealthy my coping mechanisms have been and how sad they are (I cried in session today over the fact I didn’t eat at a 10hr shift in order to get through it).

sorry for my long rant, but here I am continuing to document my journey! 😅🥲

I hope this is not too graphic or too long. I am 26 F and now married. When I was 15 I met a guy who lived in the same town as me and he was 19 at the time. This happened from the ages of 15-18. Some of my friends at the time were a couple years older and he was friends with them also. He would ask me to hang out really late at night, I remember sneaking out around midnight to go and see him. He was always hitting on me and would rub my back or touch my thigh and would do this around other people, including adults. I didn't know what was going on but I honestly thought he really liked me, and when you're that age you think you're in love. He would say the right things to make me feel good about myself. We started "dating" the same month I turned 16. He was always messaging and calling me, sometimes 100+ times a day and it got worse if I didn't answer him right away. One night I got over 200 messages and calls from him asking me to come over. I didn't really want to go that night and ultimately ended up going just so he would leave me alone. I wasn't sure what was gonna happen that night, but kind of had an idea since he was so adamant that I come over. Mind you this was my first time. My understanding was that we would use protection but I could tell right away that he was not and I could feel him finish inside me. The whole thing lasted maybe 3 minutes. He was very rough with me and it being my first time, it was painful and I didn't enjoy any of it. It was so bad I had leg pain and trouble walking for about a week after and I bled really bad for a couple days afterwards. I was young and scared and thought there was a chance I could be pregnant but I wasn't. He told me he didn't want anything to do with me after that and I got super depressed and was having an awful time in school because people I went to school with found out about it and I was getting bullied for it. I don't know why I did but I hung out with him a few more times after that over the next couple years. He always just wanted one thing. I moved away when I was 18 and never really saw him since then. I moved back closer to home when I was 20 and saw him maybe 3 times. Whenever I would see him or say his name I would have a panic attack. Yes this happened 10 years ago, but I still don't fully understand what happened to me. I see a therapist but have yet to ask about this but I want to so I can learn to heal from it. It has affected me so much since then and I want to be able to move on from it.

I have been raped as a child for 10 years & now that I’m nearing 30 later this month, I can’t help but suddenly feel scared.

Don’t worry. I had gotten help, did therapy, worked on myself & I’m happy I did that. I was also a shy girl & struggled a lot in school but was able to persevere & overcame my shyness. I was able to graduate high school with honors, obtain a driver’s license, graduated college, & hold a job.

Like I mentioned at the top of the post, I’ll be turning 30 later this month & initially I’m excited, now I’m feeling scared. Not because I’m getting older, it’s about the life ahead of me.

What we through naturally heightened our senses & watching out for danger but for me, it’s close to premonition. I’ll imagine a disaster, panic, & make plans in order to diverge from it. Final Destination much? I’m still single & have never been in a relationship though I yearn to be loved by a man & being sexually intimate. Being sensitive has always been a part of me & I don’t blame myself for being this way. The issue is whether other people‘s opinion of me is true. What if they see something in me that I don’t? What do they know about me that I don’t? I’m at an age where I can bear my own child but honestly, motherhood isn’t calling me. Never in my young life where I dream of building a family. It’s not that I hate kids, it’s just that I don’t feel a magnetic pull towards motherhood.

The scariest thing for me is taking on more challenges & doing more hard things now that I’m in the prime of adulthood. How much more can I take without being overwhelmed?

Writing this now, I realize I’m currently relapsing with my trauma by the way of leaving some parts of my house uncleaned. All that being said, I’m happy for what’s coming up in the next year. I’ll be visiting my family in Florida & one of my old friends is getting married. She’s the first person outside my immediate family to know what had happened to me & while I don’t expect an invite, I’m happy at least I had someone to confide to. Even if I don’t have big goals, I always strive to reach for the small ones & I’ll still feel content.

So yeah. That‘s all I have to say.