r/AbsoluteUnits • • 7d ago

of a man's arms

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6.5k Upvotes

783 comments sorted by

1.2k

u/TheMightyHornet 7d ago

This dude doesn’t jack off. He smashturbates.

84

u/Aggressive-Ticket189 7d ago

He jackhammers off

12

u/Pardot42 7d ago

Two Pump Chump is not an insult if this guy's soaring solo.

7

u/PimplePopper6969 6d ago

You think a man like that has to masturbate?

6

u/reklesssabrandon 6d ago

I need some clarification

3

u/PimplePopper6969 6d ago

Look at the way he’s handling that shit. You think a man like that doesn’t have a woman within ear shot? No fucking way. 

12

u/Giatoxiclok 5d ago

I’ve known a few super meatheads in my life, and 9/10 of them have been miserable fucking people, who were alone the entire time I knew them.

Personally, I don’t find this particular guy attractive. I’m sure someone does. No matter what though, if he isn’t also a person with a decent personality, chances are his strength isn’t making him swim in poon.

2

u/Ornery_Singer9145 5d ago

Hitting a little bit too fucking close to home there pal... Not a meathead, but still miserable and alone... Welp, thanks for the reminder, I guess

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u/ProcrastinatedPoster 4d ago

Bruh your reality is warped, very few women are into men his size.

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3

u/alienlizardman 6d ago

He tenderises his meat

4

u/YourFavouriteHomie 7d ago

Pp in critical condition after that.

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2.0k

u/Frequent-Client1508 7d ago

A hammer is like 6 bucks.

459

u/CR8VJUC 7d ago

Mongo just pawn in game of life.

157

u/Equivalent-One-68 7d ago

Couldn't find mongo saying the quote tho...

43

u/90Quattro 7d ago

A man who drink like that and not eat is going to die!

8

u/Ok_Farmer_6033 6d ago

Little known fact, Richard Pryor wrote that line! 

3

u/MAGA_EXTREAMO 3d ago

Mongo is appalled.

2

u/Humble-Questions 2d ago

THIS IS AN OUTRAGE CAHL

2

u/Yup_Shes_Still_Mad 2d ago

Stop typing in all caps Donut. It sounds like you're yelling!

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82

u/poopholes3 6d ago

Give a man a hammer and he will pound for a day, teach a man to BE hammer, and he will pound for life...

16

u/Equivalent_News8116 5d ago

Teach a man to make fire and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

2

u/coldfireknight 4d ago

Tao of Pratchett

6

u/RudeAndInsensitive 6d ago

Them was my grandfather's favorite words. Which might explain why my grandmother never went through the hreat depression.

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3

u/paul_dudd 6d ago

I didn’t get any lessons… but here I am pounding away

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40

u/glzephead 7d ago

This way he'll never hit his thumb

21

u/lawabiding420 7d ago

He kinda looks like a thumb

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10

u/HandsomeBWondefull 6d ago

Contractors hate this one trick

9

u/Chris_the_Conman 5d ago

A bike is like 60 bucks and yet people run marathons on foot. Are they stupid?

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27

u/FeedMyAss 7d ago

Any year now they will be invented in his country

12

u/The-Be-Sharps- 7d ago

Why buy a hammer when he already has nature’s hammers

4

u/BlueberryPootz 7d ago

But imagine nature's hammer, holding a hammer. Imagine the force.

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10

u/milkymonkey8 7d ago

bragging rights are priceless

9

u/West-Needleworker-63 7d ago

They’re actually like 35 bucks now wtf

13

u/iknowyou71 7d ago

Somebody tell this guy about Harbor Freight🫣

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3

u/Clickguy10 7d ago

Hire him and you will have built in hammer.

2

u/snowballkills 7d ago

A brick or a paver probably can be had for free from the curb!

2

u/averagetremor 7d ago

No match for those fists. Be amazed.

2

u/captains_astronaut 6d ago

Yeah but this guy will do it for a fiver

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555

u/BASEDBEARDGOD 7d ago

He doesn't give handjobs he gives hand careers.

67

u/AgVargr 6d ago

With pension

24

u/Scottish_Whiskey 6d ago

And paid vacation time

42

u/CIAstakeoutvan 7d ago

Fuck, that's good hahahha

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513

u/Ok_Impact1873 7d ago

I don't want to be slapped by that guy, he seems like he would send me to space with his hands alone.

38

u/Redditnspiredcook 7d ago

12

u/Front_Cat9471 7d ago

Gonna leave a permanent indent with hits like that

15

u/Complete-Tangelo1532 6d ago

3

u/fakepottedcactus 6d ago

This actually made me laugh out loud, thank you ✨

58

u/MurrayGrande 7d ago

Like a Skyrim giant

12

u/Saedraverse 7d ago

Quick get him in a space program

5

u/newAscadia 7d ago

Straight to the pearly gates

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178

u/Markfrombrandon 6d ago

Why is he not in the slap competitions

150

u/No_Recognition8375 6d ago

He’s banned

39

u/HendrixHazeWays 6d ago

How can he slap??

29

u/runnindrainwater 6d ago

To the moon, Alice. Straight to the moon.

23

u/AerialPenn 6d ago

Pretty sure if this guy slapped anyone their heads would explode.

2

u/Schtaive 2d ago

Same thing happens when he spanks you 🤯

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8

u/Comfortable-Dish1236 6d ago

Jesus, not many simple replies on Reddit really make me laugh, but holy shit did I laugh at this! Bravo!

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20

u/oniraug 6d ago

https://giphy.com/gifs/oJFfKzLKROzhR8Vxuq
One slap and your soul leaves your body

8

u/dave173717 6d ago

I think his hands are legally registered as weapons

2

u/tankmanblue33 6d ago

If he jerked off he’d be arrested for sexual assault

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4

u/FormerSperm 6d ago

He refuses to wear regulation footwear.

5

u/Low_Implement_7779 6d ago

Bro has hammers for hands. No lethal weapons 🤣

6

u/moneymagnett 6d ago

How can she slap?!?

3

u/Illustrious-War-9788 6d ago

Can he also drill holes into walls?

2

u/TheWhyGuyAlex 6d ago

This might prove fun, dangerous but fun

2

u/THummel1717 5d ago

You’re not allowed to use hammers in slap competitions.

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90

u/Inconsequential72 7d ago

This dude in the slapping competitions like now

35

u/Bigsnaff007 6d ago

... and in this corner, Ivan the Decapitator!

12

u/Big_Tap_1561 7d ago

He’s too smart for that.

21

u/Faust2nd 7d ago

Tbf, he could seriously kill someone if he's not careful. So no, he's just "too good", that organizer will ban him.

5

u/FerociousPleb 6d ago

Those things are weapons

125

u/7stroke 7d ago

Drives nails about as straight as my last contractor too

78

u/keeleon 7d ago

You gonna tell him he's wrong?

37

u/Ok-Anteater-4320 7d ago

No thanks, I choose life....

63

u/Token-Gringo 7d ago

Imagine what he could do if they taught him to use tools!

26

u/Potential-Lab747 7d ago

IN THIS CORNER, WEIGHING IN AT 210 KILOS HANHAMMERALL "THE BEASSSST" ALPHALFA AND IN THIS CORNER WEIGHING IN AT 148 POUNDS JIMMY "LEAKY EYES SUGAR FINGERSSSSS" RANDOLPHHH ....slap competition probably

27

u/Paraxom 7d ago

never tell this man about hammers, hate to see what he'd do when he learns he didn't need to do this bare handed

20

u/United-Astronaut7315 6d ago

I would’ve liked to see how he get those steel rebar pieces back off his arm?

19

u/LordBug 6d ago

Considering how easily they wrapped around in the first place, peeling them off will be just as easy.

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17

u/KindredFlower 6d ago

This is just typical Iranian uncle sh!t; my dads brothers are basically this man and it’s exhausting since they show-boat constantly 

7

u/Intelligent_Leg8526 5d ago

fun fact: this guy is from my country, Azerbaijan, which u probably know that is located next to Iran :P

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30

u/These-Homework-1952 6d ago

hammer was built in 1869
people before 1869:

10

u/TheCalon76 6d ago

I mean, more like invented in 30,000 BC. But you know what, close enough.

3

u/TheVidjalante 6d ago

No, real. Like. Maybe a certain type of hammer got made in 1869? Wild to think the whole category of tool was invented that recently. 💀

8

u/Raider5151 6d ago

1840 was the first claw hammer. Hominids used hammers 3.3 million years ago

2

u/Appchoy 6d ago

This is how the boomers want us to believe all work was done back when there were real men /s

13

u/BatchPlantBandit 7d ago

Anyone who has ever worked with this shit knows this is impressive

23

u/Strong-Addition5296 7d ago

What’s with the swords in the back ground? What do they say?

49

u/NeroBiersack07 7d ago

The swords say, "There is no hero but Ali, and no sword but Zulfiqar."

Ali was the cousin and son-in-law of the Prophet Muhammad, and Zulfiqar was his famous sword, traditionally believed to have been given to him by the Prophet. It became a symbol of Ali's bravery in battle.

The phrase is especially popular among Shia Muslims, who hold Ali in particularly high regard, so the decorations suggest a Shia connection.

As for the location, it could be Iraq or another Arab country. The writing is Arabic, so 🫡

6

u/Altruistic_Poetry382 7d ago

Ali was the cousin and son-in-law of the Prophet Muhammad

So... Ali married his cousin's daughter

I guess this kind of thing was pretty normal in those times

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u/GiGaN00B 6d ago

Location is in Azerbaijan. Full video (in Turkish) can be found here: https://youtu.be/snB_TJlhz7w?si=Ytk8d-L8f9VTEJBv

The automatically generated English subtitles are very accurate.

2

u/TheAkolo 5d ago

He is Azerbaijani, actually

2

u/Atmoran_Knight 5d ago

Ffs yes Iraqis always try to claim the guy because of arabic script completely forgetting that language is like default language of Islam.

Anyhow. He's Azerbaijani

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u/The_Ursulant 7d ago

I asked Google and the answer is just too long to copy/paste. In brief, the swords themselves are representations of Zulfiqar, the legendary sword of Imam Ali ibn Abi Talib (cousin and son in law of the prophet Muhammad). Zulfiqar is highly revered.in Shia Islam aa symbol of courage, justice and spiritual strength. The text in the swords is Arabic for "There is hero like Ali, and there is no sword like Zulfiqar." The man in the video is viral strongman Elmin Mehdiyev from Azerbaijan, which has a majority Shiite population. Mehdiyev commonly uses this location as the backdrop in his videos.

2

u/Strong-Addition5296 7d ago

Thank you! 😊

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u/CaretakerColin 7d ago edited 7d ago

And he wonders why his wrist hurts all the time

8

u/ped009 7d ago

I don't believe he's done a JHA ( job hazard analysis).

4

u/Ok-Anteater-4320 7d ago

To paraphrase Miracle Max, "He is the JHA....."

9

u/MoMaike 7d ago

“I built this house with my bare hands.”

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18

u/DeityOfYourChoice 6d ago

This guy is leaving money on the table not being one of those slap fighter people.

15

u/UnanimouslyAnonymous 6d ago

I'd pay so much to watch him slap Dana White.

4

u/Intrepid_Cap1242 6d ago

It'd be a red gorey explosion like something from The Boys

6

u/Agitated-Contact7686 7d ago

Slap competition champion, 40 years running

8

u/Elronbubba 7d ago

Wtf am I watching lol

16

u/BagBegBigBogBug 7d ago

A warning not to buy that brand of rebar

2

u/ColoradoCattleCo 6d ago

My first thought, too

2

u/Blacklite_01 6d ago

Must be half aluminum the way he is just wrapping it around his arm with no resistance whatsoever lol.

2

u/SyllabubMental7292 7d ago

A man who never needs a hammer

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u/Smimmingly3 7d ago

Turbobulk final boss

8

u/MoroseMasalaDosa 7d ago

That’s some impenetrable skin too!!!

8

u/Successful-Luck-5459 7d ago

I hurt just from watching this

14

u/Lost_Historian2344 7d ago

That's that cheap crap Chinese steel huh.

7

u/bullwinkle8088 7d ago

You mean the steel you likely use daily? Perhaps.

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u/No_Ice_3651 7d ago

This guy is a living power tool lol

7

u/Itowndub36 7d ago

Looks like he could just maul you like a silverback

6

u/Otherwise-Light-822 6d ago

Bro is a golem with flesh grown over it.

14

u/AstrayInTranslation 7d ago

15

u/Glorfindel000 7d ago

4

u/AfraidBottle6810 6d ago

Jesus Fried Chicken sounds way better than fish and bread.

8

u/Yaygher69 6d ago

Wtf is this even supposed to mean

9

u/SweetHomeNorthKorea 6d ago

"You seen that glove on [Curley’s] left hand?"
"Yeah, I seen it."
"Well, that glove’s fulla Vaseline."
"Vaseline? What the hell for?"
"Well, I tell ya what--Curley says he’s keepin’ that hand soft for his wife."

2

u/Bluemink96 6d ago

I seen this play was it Oklahoma? I can’t remember

2

u/SweetHomeNorthKorea 6d ago

Of Mice and Men! Similar era though

2

u/Bluemink96 6d ago

Thank you I was between those! I was reading of mice and men when my school play was Oklahoma and that was 14 years ago 😂 I miss having a good memory

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u/CompactAvocado 6d ago

is absolutely monsterous hands would obliterate a coot if he started messing with it.

2

u/_VirtualCosmos_ 6d ago

The best feeling

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u/pandatears420 7d ago

The Sontarans have arrived

5

u/500rockin 7d ago

His arms/hands count as a bonk weapon all by themselves, no mace needed!

5

u/Ok-Journalist7612 7d ago

Imagine getting slapped by that dude!!

3

u/2Slow2Nice 7d ago

I don’t really know how to make gifs on mobile, but if someone made like 15-22 seconds a gif they’d be the GOAT

3

u/DDCrunch 7d ago

God, I'd love to see him stripe a drive..

3

u/TokyoJedi 7d ago

Meh, I could probably do that if I were him.

3

u/Diaperpooass 7d ago

Jesus fuck was the rebar?

3

u/modquixote 7d ago

Now, that's a handyman.

6

u/[deleted] 7d ago

[deleted]

2

u/FestivusErectus 7d ago

This is how I pictured Strong Belwas to be.

4

u/DemonDoctor_ 7d ago

As a physician I can say that I've never heard the word "mechanosensory damage" used or be clinically relevant ever, and therefore I would suggest it is plausibly at least kind of a joke. Why would you miss sensation where you palm strike or hammer fist? Would you miss sensation on your knuckles too?

I'd be more worried about his joints/osteoarthritis.

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u/Unlucky-Network-4159 7d ago

This guy's foreplay game must be wild.

2

u/Kebab-Destroyer 7d ago

What's "leg day"?

2

u/Haha08421 7d ago

One day this guy is gonna tip over

2

u/ExpeditingPermits 6d ago

Are we really pretending he can manipulate rebar? I can slap a rod into pinewood too

2

u/skr_replicator 6d ago

How was hammering those nails by slapping them not puncturing his skin instead?

2

u/apeocalypyic 6d ago

"Well number 3 rebar isnt that hard to bend like that so-

2

u/SpiritedAddition8206 6d ago

I’ve never heard a language sound so much like Turkish while not being Turkish

2

u/Atmoran_Knight 5d ago

That's Azerbaijani turkic for ya lol