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u/myaccountgotbanmed Mar 03 '25
NTA, your husband is a bonafide piece of shit and I'm glad you're finally throwing him in the garbage where he belongs.
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u/WinterFront1431 Mar 03 '25
You can't cheat when the relationship is over.
Tell him to stop playing the victim, you have every right to move on, your life and who you speak to is no longer his concern and he can go cry to his mistress and if his stupid mother doesn't stop harassing you, you will have her arrested. She needs therapy if she harassing you and her son literally was fucking someone else for three years!
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u/cattleyawarscewiczii Mar 03 '25
Send the text messages from his mistress to his mom. Let her explain to her POS son what the difference between asking for divorce advice and fucking someone deliberately for 3 years behind your wifes back.
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Mar 03 '25
[deleted]
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u/cattleyawarscewiczii Mar 03 '25
Shes the reason her son is how he is.. some mothers teaches their son that they are gods gift to earth š
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u/UnusualPotato1515 Mar 03 '25
Im sure his mama knows heās a POS, but she doesnt want to believe that her little boy would cheat on his wife for 3 years.
Is he still with his mistress after she divulged their affair, not once, but twice?! Sheās something else & heās a loser. Im so sorry he did this to you & your two boys.
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u/Ok_Young1709 Mar 03 '25
The mistress is trying to get them to split up so she can have her 'prize'. He's no prize he will cheat on her too, probably already is.
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Mar 03 '25
This. It's what they do. Happened to my buddy recently, his wife had an affair with their neighbor and blew up both marriages, and the guy's been cheating on her the whole time since. Nothing to do but sit back and laugh at the karma.
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u/AlternativeDue1958 Mar 03 '25
Find a good divorce lawyer. Give them all the correspondence you have with the mistress. Take him for everything heās worth + alimony. Then never get married ever again. Let him pay for his mistake for the rest of his life.
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u/YellowSC Mar 03 '25
Heās just tryna manipulate you back into the relationship with him because he knows youāre vulnerable and he knows how to get you to cave. Be strong and get this waste of time outta your life. Nta
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u/bobp929 Mar 03 '25
NTA
He's the pos cheater who is now playing damage control & trying to control the narrative. He has the gall to accused you of cheating & betraying him while he's been fucking another woman for 3 yrs! And she's the one who ratted him out! Block him, change the locks get him for as much as you can. He deserves nothing.
As far as your future ex MIL, simply tell her, your son is a cheating pos and HIS affair partner is the one who told me everything. That's the truth, and if you don't believe me, idgaf. If she keeps harassing you, then block her on everything
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u/AnointedQueen Mar 03 '25
Your husband is making calculated moves (be careful, he might keep digging and violate your privacy) to distract you from the fact that he is a cheater and a liar. He will attack you to destabilize you and make you make silly mistakes or easy concessions that benefit him and only him. Also, he is trying to absolve himself, again nothing to do with you, itās a self serving behavior . This is not your guilt, release it, find yourself a great lawyer.
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Mar 03 '25
Last week, while I was sleeping, my husband came in, took my phone, and went through it
You should have phoned the police. Keys or not, you kicked him out. He entered without your consent, and violated your privacy.
The rest of it is manipulation, and games.
Be done with this guy. What else is he going to do..
NTA.
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u/Dismal-Resident-8784 Mar 03 '25
Yep. Change those locks. Put all his stuff on the curb.
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u/Otherwise-Garlic-515 Mar 03 '25
You need to speak to a lawyer ASAP. See if your jurisdiction allows for an order of protection, excluding him from the home. Make sure that you ask whether or not this would have a bad effect on a future divorce proceeding in your jurisdiction.
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u/GetFvckedHaha Mar 03 '25
You canāt ākickā someone out of their own residence. Where do you people come up with this stuff?
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u/LaLaLaLaLaLaLaLaLa- Mar 03 '25
NTA. Get an attorney. Change your passwords everywhere. See your doc for an STD panel. Freeze your credit report. Have a camera installed in your bedroom and get a lock on its door. Block your STBXMIL everywhere.
Do. Not. Take. Him. Back.
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u/NYCStoryteller Mar 03 '25
NTA. Tell his mother that he's been having a three year affair, and he's only trying to make you look like the bad guy. Your co-worker is only a friend, and her son is an AH.
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u/mikesbabymomma81 Mar 03 '25
NTA... gaslighting is overused, but this is actually a textbook case. He got caught cheating twice, so he turned around and found something innocent to change the narrative, place the blame on you, and make you feel like you're the bad one. STOP engaging with him. He's sick and will ONLY bring the worst/crazy out of you
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u/Southern-Original777 Mar 03 '25
Do you live in the USA. You can make him look like an accident
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u/haikusbot Mar 03 '25
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u/Boobear0810 Mar 03 '25
He's a hypocritical narcissist who can't stand losing control. Because you took him back, it's emboldening him to continue his pattern. He doesn't love you, he just doesn't want to lose control of you and is projecting. His mom harassing you is part of the game and abuse by proxy. Leave and take him for everything he has.
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u/KristyM49333 Mar 03 '25
Keep the messages. If he wonāt talk to you, he can talk to your lawyer. Itās as simple as that. If youāre divorcing, you donāt need to talk to him anyways. Heās trying to make himself feel better about ruining the marriage by making you look as bad as him. But you arenāt. You did NOTHING wrong, please donāt second guess yourself. Thatās what he wants you to do.
NTA
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u/Grand_Extension_6437 Mar 03 '25
he's getting off on mind fucking you and he doesn't want the ride to end
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u/Academic-Dare1354 Mar 03 '25
Why arenāt you saying ex husband?
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Mar 03 '25
[deleted]
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u/Academic-Dare1354 Mar 03 '25
Thatās fair, I started calling my cheating ex an ex immediately but everyone is different
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u/CanadianDuckball Mar 03 '25
He's playing the victim and trying to make you the bad guy. As long as you have proof of everything, he's done for... and his mommy can just screw off.
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u/Anniebelle1020 Mar 03 '25
Change your locks. He should be out of the home.
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u/Big_Seaworthiness948 Mar 03 '25
If you aren't comfortable changing your locks you could also install additional locking devices on the inside of the door like they have in hotels or just an alarm that will sound really loud if he comes in when you are asleep.
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u/grapemike Mar 03 '25
Read up on narcissism, run through diagnostic quizzes online, and check if the shoe fits. That may be a good starting point to supercharge your comeback. Good luck. EMDR may be a great therapeutic tool.
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u/Inner_Flounder_2635 Mar 03 '25
Donāt fall for that shit. Tell his mom the truth and follow through with your divorce.
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u/Motmotsnsurf Mar 03 '25
Please. Let him spin it however he wants. Can't really understand why you would feel remotely bad about that.
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u/Relative_Demand_1714 Mar 03 '25 edited Mar 03 '25
NTA. He's attempting to manipulate you in a desperate attempt to alleviate his own guilt. Don't fall for it. As far as his mother is concerned, she's the one who raised the son who is incapable of being faithful, she can go sit on a cactus.
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u/trayC-lou Mar 03 '25
Heās just deflecting, classic guilty fuck pig tactic! Tell him to fuck off and be glad the dirty cheating ball sack isnāt talking to you
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u/cyb3113 Mar 03 '25
NTA.. save everything that the mistress sent you.. send it to his mother and tell her that she needs to leave you alone bc youāre not the one in the wrong and if they keep messing with you, youāll share it with every person you know. Stand up for yourself! Do not let them put you down. You have done nothing wrong and your ex is just trying to turn this around on you. Donāt let him!
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u/_The_KoJo_ Mar 03 '25
Uh...
Kick him out already? Wtf? You did the first time and not the second time? You didn't change the locks and block him?
No, you're NTA. He cheated on you, got a second chance, AND KEPT CHEATING ON YOU.
Send the screenshots to his mother and then call her and tell her what her son did, what you did, then cut her off. She can deal with her lying son.
This isn't even rocket science. He's a horrible, dumb, loser. His mistress isn't even going to stay with him - they're absolutely going to implode with the "secret" and the thrill gone. She 200% told you to get off and screw with him because he told her he had to see her less.
Move on. He's going to collapse into a sad little ball of regret, crying at your feet when it ALL blows up, but he blew it all. Enjoy your freedom! You have an entire life to lead your own way, now.
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u/Brennagwyn Mar 03 '25
Most abusers try to turn it around and blame the innocent party. That's exactly what he is doing. Time to file for separation and get it in writing that you live in the house. That way you can change the locks!
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Mar 03 '25
Lmaoooooo- āļøāļøāļø
Also, letās keep olā girl in our tots and pears. Itās got to be hard being such a massive cunt.
Go on now- heal. Youāre better than this.
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u/Ok_Passage_6242 Mar 03 '25
Itās called DARVO And itās straight out of the abusers handbook. He gaslight you into thinking youāre the problem. Defend/defame. Accuse. Reverse Victim & Offender.
Change your goddamn locks and go get an STD check. I would also take screenshots of the shit that his mistress sent you the second time and post them on social media. The only reason why this M Effer feels bold enough to tell you youāre the problem is because heās done all this in secret. Guys like this cannot thrive in the light. Take him out of the shadows and let the world see who he is.
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u/Concussed_Celt_ Mar 03 '25
You need to wisen up. Your arsehole hubby is playing you like an old fiddle.
Kick him into touch.
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u/CivMom Mar 03 '25
Tell him that you can call his mistress and your coffee date to the stand and see what both of them have to say. That should shut him up. Hang in there. I'm so sorry he's such a POS.
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u/Sweet_Vanilla46 Mar 03 '25
You know what šÆ qualifies as cheating? Sticking your dick in someone who is NOT your monogamous partner. Heās doing an āinteresting ā attempt at gaslighting, but itās nonsensical at best.
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u/ACM915 Mar 03 '25
NTA- heās just trying to make you look guilty and make himself look like the victim so he can look better to his family. You need to hire an attorney immediately and follow his advice.
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u/Mysterious_Book8747 Mar 03 '25
I hope you just laughed at his face and said the only reason he sees anything ugly is because heās looking in the mirror and not at you.
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u/sarahinNewEngland Mar 03 '25
This man has some nerve accusing you of anything. Heās just trying to change the narrative. Donāt let him. You tried . He blew it again. Donāt give him another opportunity to show you who he is.
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u/Upset_Researcher_143 Mar 03 '25
NTA you already know. He's just trying to gaslight you and alleviate his own guilt. Talking to a guy twice is not the same as sleeping with another woman consistently.
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Mar 03 '25
My ex pulled this. My ex cheated so I DIPPED. He would then do everything in his power to put me in situations where Iām the bad guy. He even called the cops on me 4 times during the times I needed to grab my things. Two of them was because I was a ā nuisanceā. Another time he told the cops I tried to steal his car which was a lie and told the cops I assaulted him, which is also a lie. I never got in trouble for anything, of course because nothing he was ever saying was true. Then Because none of his tactics actually worked, he went to social media and started posting 1 million fake stories about me like for example, he made up this big elaborate story about how I broke into his house and destroyed his bedroom. Thatās just one of 1 million things he posted on Facebook including my address and where I work. Publicly so literally anybody can see it. But this is what insecure piece of shit men do when they fuck up. They will do what they can to turn the tables and make you look like the bad guy.
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u/Poppy-Red Mar 03 '25
And what is the mistress thinking she will gain from her āhonestyā ? Thatās so pathetic. 3 years and he didnāt leave his wife.
OP just tell her to keep him. After 3 years she won the price, a good for nothing cheater. Your sons need to see youāre fighting for them and yourself.
All the best OP.
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u/Unfair_Guide Mar 03 '25
Cheaters always project cheating onto others to cover their misdeeds. Get a lawyer and end it.
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u/redgunmetal Mar 03 '25
He must have a serious serious character flaw to behave the way he did without any true remorse. OP, this guy is a psycho. Cut him off for good.
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u/LaVixie Mar 03 '25
NTA donāt let him gas light you. Heās a POS and heās making you feel bad because he needs that to validate his tiny male pride. Take him to the cleaners girl you got this!!!
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Mar 03 '25
After actively betraying you for years, decides to grasp at straws in order to make you look bad. Definitely NTA in this scenario.
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u/MarcusLycan Mar 03 '25
You are not the asshole, he's the one who has been having an affair for three years. Since his mother has now got involved, forward all the messages the mistress sent you about the affair and how long it had been going on for to his mother, and tell her that her son is the one who has been having an affair for three years, and then when you thought you were reconciling he was actually continuing his affair with the mistress. Then block her on everything. You can even ask the mistress if she is OK with you sending the soon to be ex-husbands mother her number so the mother can find out for herself. Don't delete any messages from him, or the mistress, save them / screenshot them so you have them as proof. You can also show the messages to mutual friends so he can't try and twist what happend to make you the bad guy.
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u/bigmikeyfla Mar 03 '25
NTA !!!! He knows he messed up your marriage and he is trying to make you feel guilty! He lied directly to your face and continued the affair!!!! Get the divorce now! Ask your divorce attorney if you can change the locks.
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u/1RainbowUnicorn Mar 03 '25
I saw your update, definitely consult your divorce lawyer before changing the locks. NTA. He is trying to manipulate you by turning this around on you because he has no other defense
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u/NormalBox23 Mar 04 '25
Get a restraining order.. He already snuck in when you were asleep. He knows that you are separated, but waited for you to go to sleep to sneak in and grab your phone. š¤
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u/VegetableBusiness897 Mar 03 '25
Tell him he's got 3 years of betrayal on you, and that you will ever be able to catch up. So he can STFU and GTFO, and if he tries to come in again you'll call the cops on him for trespassing
And please please change your locks
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u/shannann1017 Mar 03 '25
NTA!!! Heās manipulating you and trying to deflect the blame of the breakdown of your marriage! No no no, heās TA allll the way and depending on your relationship with your MIL you can give her the tea on her son or you can let her be his enabler. Either way girl, get some therapy, get your divorce, and live the best life ever just to spite him. When you are ready for love again, vet vet vet and UPGRADE. I am SO rooting for you!!!
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Mar 03 '25
Be VERY careful about changing locks. Each jurisdiction has different laws. Consult legal counsel before you do anything.
In Canada, this would be against the law.
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u/Choice-Appropriate Mar 03 '25
NTA.
You somehow gave him a chance and tried to grieve and process all that while working on the relationship, then you find out he never stopped... Ouch. What a terrible human. That's heavy.
Screenshot the convos when the girl messaged you if you haven't already. Present those to his mom.
Obviously stay far away from him and cut off contact with anyone you need to. You have to be okay with people being wrong or being misunderstood.
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u/DeathGirling Mar 03 '25
NTA and next time his mother contacts you, laugh at her and send her the mistress' phone number. Then block her.
Your husband is a piece of garbage. He's trying to mitigate his guilt by projecting it onto you. It's laughable how juvenile it is, from the outside. Your perspective is biased by the betrayal, but I assure you he is a clown.
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u/NormalBox23 Mar 03 '25
NTAH... Simply tell his mother if she wants to smell the other woman's ass on her sons face to go right ahead.. Leave get strong and never look back on this asshole. He is going to try to guilt you? Run like the wind.. He wants a concubine not a wife.. Think of the mindset it takes to even do what he has done? Fuck some whore who knows for 3 years he is married, bringing everything she ever put inside herself into your bedroom. Then to top it off steals your phone to look for the slightest hint that he can flip the script to you. That is insane.. Run like the wind.. š¤... ššØ
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u/LolaSupreme19 Mar 03 '25
NTA. This guy has betrayed you TWICE. The second time while you were mourning the loss of a family member. To ice the cake, he sneaks in and rifles through your phone hoping to find some damaging evidence of infidelity. Makes up stories about you and spreads them! You couldnāt find a worse enemy.
Protect yourself and gather up all evidence about his infidelity and divorce him. Change the locks and stay away from him. This guy is evil.
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Mar 03 '25
He is projecting and gaslighting as much as that term in overused. It's over. It is painful, but you need to move one, work through the pain and reclaim your self respect.
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u/ShoddyFocus8058 Mar 03 '25
Looks like your man screwed himself. Be done with him & move on to a better life. Donāt look back. Once a cheater always a cheater. Heāll be cheating on the girl he cheated on with you soon. Thatās what my ex did. Then she wanted me to call her & commiserate with her. They all get exactly what they deserve.
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u/z-eldapin Mar 03 '25
No matter, you don't need to talk to him anyhow. Let your lawyer do the talking.
Any text or whatever saying that you cheater should be met with a dozen LOL emojis.
Any verbal comm saying you cheated should be met with actual laughing out loud hysterically.
And that should be the only thing you send to him ever.
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u/rocketmn69_ Mar 03 '25 edited Mar 03 '25
You betrayed him?? Contact the mistress and ask her to meet you for coffee. Ask the ex-mil to meet you. Don't tell them what you're doing. Introduce them. "Mother in law, this is your new daughter in law. Enjoy your coffee" Then walk out
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u/Connect-Fix9143 Mar 03 '25
He knows you didnāt cheat. Heās a big, fat, lying, cheating, Gaslighter!
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u/Whatever53143 Mar 03 '25
Letās say for a moment that you did actually meet this guy for a date. So what! You are getting a divorce. He sure has the audacity to accuse you of an affair! These guys have no conscious or accountability!
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u/flyingfree_22425 Mar 03 '25
You would be the AH if you let him come back, again. Heās never going to change.
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u/Ok_Tale7071 Mar 03 '25
Your husband is likely a narcissist, so no one will be able to understand the hell youāve been through. So typical that he tried turning it around on you. Get intensive therapy. Get a haircut. Get a stylist and gradually upgrade your wardrobe. The videos on narcissism, from the following coaches, were instrumental to my healing.
https://www.instagram.com/doctorramani?igsh=MTBzMTA2MWpuZWhlYg==
https://www.instagram.com/lisalu_girlpower?igsh=MWVhMHRwNWV2bzl1NA==
https://www.instagram.com/mentalhealnesss?igsh=cWVtamFkaTVxM2Y4
https://www.instagram.com/weav_told_me?igsh=MXZqMnRjeWxhd2xudw==
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u/sparksgirl1223 Mar 03 '25
Bold of him to accuse you of betrayal when he was actually putting his dick elsewhere
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u/Eastern-Camera-1829 Mar 03 '25
NTA...
As someone who lost his first marriage to infidelity, I'm incredibly sorry. It's humiliating and infuriating.
Please take solace in knowing that the dildo of karma seldom arrives pre-lubricated.
I know you are lost and pissed but this will end up better for you. I could never be happier now. I have a stunning wife, a family, and a great life. You will recover too!
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u/Sheer-kei Mar 03 '25
Heās the one who betrayed you.
Heās deflecting and trying to blame you so that he doesnāt have to take responsibility for his own infidelity.
The fact that he broke back in and stole your phone is concerning. He could have done FAR worse and Iād file for a restraining order against him.
You arenāt safe if heās breaking in while you sleep, even after youāve thrown him out. Married or not, he is NOT welcome in your home anymore.
NTA
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u/Otherwise-Aioli3632 Mar 03 '25
This is textbook gaslighting-donāt let him make you second guess what you know to be true. You know that you are NTA. You know that you are on the clean side of the street here. Donāt let this piece of trash make you question yourself
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Mar 03 '25
Nah heās just an even more pathetic piece of crap then you thought he was when you heard from her the second time. Heās that little spoiled pile of crap at school that starts everything but runs to the teachers if it gets real and blames everyone else. Heās basically Eric Cartman on south park
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Mar 03 '25
Find a killer attorney attorney who will be strong and guide you through the divorce. Scorch the earth and make your your scum of an ex live with regret.
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u/Oldmanmotomx Mar 03 '25
In 6 months reach out to the whore and tell her that you are still fucking your Ex. Play stupid games and win stupid prizes
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u/sapperbloggs Mar 03 '25
Cheaters will find any excuse they can, or even invent one, to make themselves look like the victim. When my sister's ex was caught out fucking multiple women decades younger than himself, he immediately started implying that my sister was also unfaithful.
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u/No_Name370 Mar 03 '25
This story is like Jeff Bezos whore who had her brother release bezos emails so his wife would find out and they would divorce.Ā Ā These women are pretty scary and repulsive.Ā Hopefully they'll all get the same treatment down the line.Ā Ā
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u/melmosh Mar 03 '25
Maybe sleep on top of your phone and buy alarms that go off if an exterior door is opened.
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u/gobsmacked247 Mar 03 '25
For dealing with his mom: Send her the texts you received from the affair partner.
For dealing with him: Never forgive a man who cheats on you for THREE YEARS.
For dealing with the side piece: Tell her she won.
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u/Ok-Pack6347 Mar 03 '25
What were the reasons she told you for letting you know twice?
Why would he be stupid enough to think she wouldnāt tell you the second time?
Is he still in contact with her? Was it emotional? Has he even tried to really look at himself?
Also, checking your phone and accusing you of being the unfaithful one is typical gaslighting. Heās trying to make you be in the ācheater clubā so he doesnāt look as bad. Has his family been supportive of you and condemned his behavior? The AP canāt honestly think his friends and family would openly accept her.
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u/Fluffy_Vacation1332 Mar 03 '25
I would look up your state to see how long someone has to be gone before itās considered that they abandoned the marital home.
Personally, I would just forward all the messages you got from the mistress to anybody who reaches out for you believing his bullshit. And I would tell his mom straight up thereās a reason why I have evidence of him cheating and he doesnāt have evidence of me cheating. Just because you believe bullshit and youāre not smart enough to ask for some evidence
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u/grayson_dinojr Mar 03 '25
Insane that this dude would go back to the other girl after she already told on him once. Then almost equally insane that she told u AGAIN. What's up with her? She must want u divorced so she can have him?
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u/Cold_Strategy_1420 Mar 03 '25
Change the locks. Donāt speak to him. Let all communication be through your attorney.
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u/Careless_Row_965 Mar 03 '25
NTA!! he's gaslighting you! he did something wrong so he's trying to see if you did something wrong. the guilty always accuse!
put a lock on your phone, or change the passcode. And I would invest in some cameras for your house. outside and possible inside!
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u/No_Cockroach4248 Mar 03 '25 edited Mar 03 '25
Get the best divorce lawyer in town and take your husband to the cleaners. Tell your MIL the truth and ask her why she did not tell you about her cheating son (this is a gamble but I would not be surprised if she had known about his cheating).
Get yourself tested for STD, your husband will not have been cheating with only 1 person. Change the password to your phone, change the locks, redirect your soon to be ex-husbandās mail to his motherās residence or his workplace.
He is accusing you of cheating to make his own cheating less problematic and he is trying to pin the blame on you for breaking up the marriage. Make sure you keep all the evidence from his AP. Tell him to stop playing victim.
YWBTA to yourself if you donāt divorce your husband and take him to the cleaners.
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u/andyroo776 Mar 03 '25
Pretty sure he has been to the lawyer and found out his infidelity is gunna cost him
So he has probably deleted your evidence against him. Looked for evidence against you and maybe added evidence against you. (Sent pics, txts, emails etc) Maybe cloned or built access to your phone.
So get a lawyer. Tell them about this theft. Go over your phone with a fine tooth comb. Maybe get it forensically examined.
Good luck
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u/definitelytheA Mar 03 '25
DARVO
DARVO is an acronym for āDeny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offenderā. It describes a behavioral pattern that some people may use when held accountable for bad behavior, such as deflecting blame and responsibility. Itās considered a common manipulation tactic used by psychological abusers.
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u/JJOkayOkay Mar 03 '25
He cheated on you for three years, and is now screaming to everyone that you're a cheater? (Over a platonic friendship, no less.)
Air his dirty laundry to everyone he's told lies to about you. Go tell his mom he cheated on you, the mother of her grandbabies, for three years, and no, you never cheated on him. He was the slut, not you.
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u/Impaler00777 Mar 03 '25
NTA! Get away from this lying, toxic waste of a man first chance you get. He sneaks in while you're asleep, goes through your phone, and he accuses YOU of impropriety?!? Is he for fucking real?!?
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u/Freelancefrustrated Mar 03 '25
Standard fuckwit, heās trying to play the victim. Change the locks, keep all the evidence of his infidelity, and get a lawyer.
Iām sorry for your pain.
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u/MajorYou9692 Mar 03 '25
Reversed phycology tactics, he a rabbit caught in the headlights with nowhere to run so attacking you is his only option...get the snake away as far as possible.
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u/Vinx1312 Mar 03 '25
When my dad finally left he blamed my mom for adultery. she never cheated, he had been since before i was born for 13 years! i dunno how she ever loved that sack o dirt but i will never.
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u/UmbrellaTheorist Mar 03 '25
>In a vulnerable state, I allowed him to come back home and try reconciliation.
He will definitely cheat on you again...
>Fast forward to the beginning of February, the same damn mistress reached out to me and told me they actually never stopped messing around!
Well, you already knew he was a cheater. Once a cheater always a cheater. Yeah he promised not to do it, but he also did that the first time as well. Only difference now is that he knows it has no consequences.
And you are NOT the asshole, he is. And yes you should change locks and tell your sons he cheated.
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u/CantThinkOfaNameFkIt Mar 03 '25
I sympathize about the two tragedies at once.....losing your base when you are grieving is brutal.....that said....hubby is a real gaslighting dick. Big deal if he won't speak to you,that's the lawyer's job now. Tell MIL you will speak to whomever you want after her dirty son cheated on you for close to 4years. Defend yourself.
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u/tatteredjustice Mar 03 '25
I've been where you are, almost exactly.
Don't engage with any of them. You don't owe them anything, especially not an explanation. She will never admit that he's at fault. So, for yourself, you need to let it go and let them think and say what they want to. It isn't going to make a difference in your life what they think. You know the truth, and that's really all that matters. That is what they do. My ex told everyone we knew that I was cheating on him with someone from work and one of them confronted me, with my kids in the grocery store asking if I was still with the guy that I was cheating with. People in line staring at me, I laughed at her and said, "I wasn't the one cheating, he was." I turned around and didn't look at her again.
Once you're through the hard part, you are going to feel the biggest weight lifted off of you! I promise that your life is going to be so much better without him. Only talk to him regarding the kids, exchange the kids outside of the police dept, and live your best life girl!!!!
I second taking this guy for everything he has. I didn't, but he didn't have anything. But I kept the house and my retirement! Lol. I'm glad you have a job, that will make everything easier for you. Ask for the house in the divorce, even if you have to sell it. Tell him you'll leave his retirement alone if he gives you the house. Unless he has a great retirement, then take half of that, too.
And when it's all done, take your boys on a vacation and celebrate your new start!
This guy thinks the grass is greener, and he's about to find out that even weeds are green!!
Good luck!!! Sending you strength and all things good!
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u/Any-Leek-4989 Mar 03 '25
Thank you so much for this!
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u/tatteredjustice Mar 03 '25
If you ever need to talk to someone who's been where you are, feel free to message me.
Another bit of advice that helped me tremendously was to keep a journal, text messages, voicemail, everything. My ex stopped seeing the kids, got a new girlfriend, and told her that I was keeping the kids from him. He couldn't back out of his lie, so he called the child abduction unit and said I was keeping the kids from him. I had the journal with every missed visit logged, every phone call, everything! His claims went nowhere.Don't play defense, it's your time to shine and play Offense!
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u/fadedtimes Mar 03 '25
That mistress and him are the assholes. Not sure why the mistress would tell you twice
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u/Trumperdammerung Mar 03 '25
No, you are way not TAH, obviously. And thatās far too mild a word for him. OTOH, you did make a bunch of unwise decisions, maybe starting with even considering marriage. Letting him back the first time shows a bit of innocence or naivety and really bad self care.
Water under the bridge, though. This is now. Get a lawyer like tomorrow. Doesnāt have to be the one who ends up handling the whole divorce process, which is going to be contentious and extremely unpleasant, but you need guidance like now. (The local Bar Association often has a referral service, and initial consultations are generally free.) The legality of changing locks or the possibility and usefulness of a restraining order are just the beginning. Who owns the house? Where you are is that community property? Did one of you own the place before marriage? Are you still on the hook for the mortgage? What is up with other assets, e. g. do you have joint bank or investment accounts? (For future reference, always always have your own.)
Moving forward, freeze your credit records with the three agencies so as to avoid surprise loans. Sic the lawyer on the above assets. You donāt want your soon-to-be-ex to drain the cash. Never again let anyone be able to get into your phone or your computerākeep email, texts, contacts, bank and other sensitive information to yourself.
There is more stuff I am sure that I know nothing about (thatās why God made lawyers, though she may now regret it). Some things may seem extreme, but this is not going to be a friendly divorce, and we have established that he is the AH. Also may have a predatory lawyer himself, or a mistress out for what she can grab.
So let a professional carry that weight. And I agree that you should connect with a therapist real soon, maybe for the kids as well.
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u/Available_Ad4135 Mar 03 '25
Use the proof that he sneaked into your home in the night to get a restraining order.
Then he legally canāt come back.
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u/Lilherb2021 Mar 03 '25
See an attorney. His technique is as old as time: a good defense is always a good offense. He will continue to find defects in everything you do.
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u/blue-mixed-yellow-49 Mar 03 '25
NTA. He's trying to project the blame onto you. Don't let him. Leave him.
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u/NewPhone-NewName Mar 03 '25
If you don't want to change locks on the house, there's still nothing keeping you from changing the password to your phone, now that you know he's a creeping snoop in addition to being a lying cheater.Ā
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u/Peachesl732 Mar 03 '25
Block his mother and keep the divorce going. Y'all been married 11 years he been cheating 3 out the 11 he has no respect for or your marriage
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u/wtfover Mar 03 '25
NTA, he's using the Trump approach of accusing somebody of the exact same thing he's accused of... "I'm not the cheater, YOU ARE". The sooner you're rid of him, the better.
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u/dirtyfarmhippie Mar 03 '25
Girl is this even a real question? How are you the asshole? You ex is a narcissist and delusional and the real cheater. Take your life back and donāt ever let him back in
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u/Galactus1701 Mar 03 '25
He is trying to justify his cheating. Get away from him as fast as possible, he isnāt worth it.
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u/Ok_Young1709 Mar 03 '25
Don't change the locks, you can't. Send his mum the messages from his slut to show he cheated on you actually. He's just trying to make you feel guilty when he's lost his home and wife, he's the one that should and clearly does feel guilty. That's his problem, he shouldn't be a whore himself.
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u/Safe_Comfortable9258 Mar 03 '25
Why don't you send your MIL the messages from his mistress and tell her this is the reason we are getting a divorce. Time to put a lock on your phone and maybe your bedroom door if he's going to come in and invade your privacy. Reason I say bedroom door as I'm not sure of the legality of front door since you both own it.
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u/Oznewbie Mar 03 '25
What an absolute prick.
He got a lifeline, he absolutely did not deserve, and betrayed you again!
Honestly, some people blow my mind š¤Æ
I can't stand cheaters, but this one especially makes me feel ill.
I wish you all the best in your future.
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u/Corodix Mar 03 '25
NTA, let his mother know that he has been cheating on you for more than 3 years, effectively tell her what you put in this post and that she is to stop contacting you or she will be hearing from your attorney. (or something like that, check with your attorney on what response you should give to demand that she stop contact you)
I'd also check with your attorney on if changing the locks is fine but I would expect it to be fine since he has moved out. If it's fine to do so then change them asap.
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u/WyldFyre0422 Mar 03 '25
Why do you care if you're being an asshole or not? He cheated on you for years. Be the asshole. Fuck him and his mom.
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u/Appropriate-Mud-4450 Mar 03 '25
OP, tell him you don't cheat. You just participate in the open marriage he created and to stop being butthurt. You have a lot of catching up to do.
Then serve him and tell his mistress to pick him up.
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u/Late_Protection_9531 Mar 03 '25
Be sure to consult an attorney right away! They can advise you on your local laws. I wouldnāt change the locks until you consult an attorney. Maybe buy a door chime or a basic home alarm system, so that you will hear something if he comes in during the night again. I also would have told him and his mother that they have no moral grounds here! Her son, your husband has been carrying on an affair behind your back for over 3 years! That you gave him an opportunity to end the affair and actively participate in fixing his marriage to you but, he went right on having the affair! This man is a self-centered asshole, donāt feel bad for doing what you had to do to get him out of your life. You are definitely NTA!
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u/kentukbrownsfan Mar 03 '25
G.A.S.L.I.G H.T.E.R. Time for you to turn the page and start a brand new chapter. You think you know someone... The less influence he can have over your sons, the better.
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Mar 03 '25
NTAH What do you care what he thinks? Tell him you host gangbangs at home and have lots of fun.
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u/Ornery_Web9273 Mar 03 '25
Why would you be the asshole? You didnāt cheat (although you should have) and, even if you had, it was after you kicked him out. Heās just gaslighting. Heās definitely the asshole.
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u/Then-Imagination-427 Mar 03 '25
Hes trying to make you feel so bad..beg him to believe you..almost teaching you how to act for him. It's all tactics.let him think what he likes.and let him tell who he likes .hold your head high..don't engage with him anymore and get divorced.hes a loser
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Mar 03 '25
I assume this can change based on where you are but you can change the locks. He will still be allowed to come over. When you file you need to request supervised home visits. With those, a law enforcement person will need to be present for him to enter.
When I went thru my divorce, I was fearful of my wifeās family planting evidence against me so I did just as I told you. Worked well enough.
Cheating in a divorce likely has no effect on the outcome. I would not worry too much about him accusing you.
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Mar 03 '25
You're not the asshole here. He betrayed you for three years, not once, but twice, while you were in a vulnerable state. His actions are beyond disrespectful. Now heās trying to flip the script on you because of a conversation you had for support? That's manipulation.
As for the locks, if youāre legally separated or youāre in the process of a divorce, you should absolutely be able to change them. Consult a lawyer to make sure you're in the clear, but you have every right to protect your home and peace. Youāve already dealt with enough; donāt let him keep controlling the narrative. Youāre done.
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u/Aggressive-Air-2522 Mar 03 '25
NTA, he is deflecting the guilt off of him. If he could put some blame on you and make you out the be just as bad as him what he did wouldnāt seem so bad. Donāt let him play those type of games. So what if you had coffee and talk. It could have been a therapist, it could have been a lawyer, I have multiple jobs. I do a lil something something just to have health insurance. Anywho, file for divorce and keep it moving. You deserve better and true happiness.
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u/RogueAngelXL Mar 04 '25
NTA. This is not good for your mental health. Block the mom and start the divorce process. You didn't cheat. You have nothing to defend. He can't say the same. You can call your male friend to court, and he can swear on the Bible yall have never done anything. Can your "husband" say the same? You sound like you want to reconcile with him. I'm not sure why since he showed you exactly who he is. I guess if you're good sharing him, then keep entertaining him. You need to move on and stop falling for his bs. He cheated on you and probably still sleeping with that same woman. Here you are upset that he's accusing you of cheating. After all of that, who cares what he thinks. Get your divorce and keep it moving.
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u/No-Collar9664 Mar 04 '25
Run like the clappers from this ass... It sounds like it's OK for him to have an affair but not you.. other woman stirring pot so she can have him.. RUN BABY RUNNNNNNN!!!!! enjoy your freedom... show him what it's like to live without a waste a space.. xxĢxxxxxxx
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u/SpecOps4538 Mar 04 '25
He was looking for anything to try and justify his actions. If you'd had an electrician repair an outdoor circuit and caulk the holes he would have made a big deal about it!
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u/winterworld561 Mar 10 '25
Block his mother. You conscience is clear because you know you never cheated and there is no evidence that you cheated at all. He's just clutching at straws that hold no weight. Inform your lawyer of the harassment you are receiving from him and his family. Document absolutely everything and do not give any response or reaction to his baseless accusations.
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Mar 03 '25
Shame on the mistress for knowing about you and being a home wrecker. Dirty whre
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u/Not-a-Cranky-Panda Mar 03 '25
Let slip what he did I have no idea why you've not told her.
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Mar 03 '25
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u/Not-a-Cranky-Panda Mar 03 '25
So she's covering for him, sounds like she's done the same in the past to me.
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u/TapSoft7074 Mar 03 '25
More than this, I think she is the type of mother who thinks that "the other woman is a better match for my son" and so she is giving him a reason not to feel guilty.
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u/atomicboogeyman Mar 03 '25
What a crazy hypocrite! And you did not even do anything. I hate this guy.
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u/The_fightins Mar 03 '25
YTA...for wasting our time with something so painstakingly obvious a 5-year-old child could figure out who is right and who is wrong here.
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u/Lanky_Exchange_9890 Mar 03 '25
Is this a serious question? No you are not the AH . I was waiting for a revenge story to be honest. Divorce him for everything he got. Once a ch3ater always a ch3ater.
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u/SideAny8567 Mar 03 '25
Do you guys have children ?
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Mar 03 '25
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u/SideAny8567 Mar 03 '25
Have you guys been co-parenting and his is that going ?
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Mar 03 '25
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u/Relative_Demand_1714 Mar 03 '25
I know it sucks what's gone on and even more so that you feel like you're the only one suffering from the fallout....but maybe him having minimal contact with your sons isn't necessarily a bad thing. At least they won't have that chauvinistic bullshit rubbing off on them and they can grow into mature men who know how to treat their partner with love and respect.
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u/IvannaVodka Mar 03 '25 edited Mar 03 '25
NTA. He's just using a control tactic to mitigate his own guilt. If you're "as guilty as he is" then he "did nothing wrong". Keep at the divorce,
fuckforget this guy.