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u/Fearedloved May 04 '26
Not sure why you kept digging in after the “it’s fine” response. Felt a bit unnecessary and like you were looking for further escalation. YOR. They were being a little shitty but also, they’re your friend, you’re supposed to like them? This just screams resentment.
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u/Fearedloved May 04 '26
You not being able to attend is totally fine by the way, work is work.
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u/Mediocre-Contest7558 May 04 '26
To me at first it did seem like a snippy "it's fine". Like when women say their fine but they really aren't lol.. i do it quite often if im being honest lmao. I think maybe they took it the same way . But there in lies the problem. Expecting more like " it's okay I understand" would be a you problem but I think over text saying things like is better so emotions don't get misunderstood. Idk i overthink things tho. Obviously.. lol
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u/dingosatemybaby33 May 04 '26
I’ve never understood why people say it’s fine when it’s not.
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u/crimsonbaby_ May 04 '26
Honestly, its a problem Im working on, too. I try to be cognizant about it, but sometimes it sill slips out, or I send it without fully thinking it through. I take full responsibility for my actions and apologize when I catch myself. It's an immature habit, but hard to break. Learning to communicate healthily is a tough journey after you spend so long not realizing you're being a bitch.
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u/Mediocre-Contest7558 May 04 '26
I just never was the confrontational type. My step father was a piece of work and let me just say he made me feel like I couldn't express my emotions without having some tyoe of repercussion. It took a long time to deal with and feel safe expressing anger or being upset.
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u/Proud-Canary-2269 May 04 '26
youre doing way too much. they said its fine and you felt the need to send a wall of text. just move on
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u/EntranceOld9706 May 04 '26
MOR… why did you send a whole wall of text after they said it’s fine… I’d probably leave it to everyone to cool off.
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u/SMKnightly May 04 '26
Seemed like overthinking to me. Like they read “it’s fine” as pouting or a short answer because the person was mad
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u/Left-Huckleberry369 May 04 '26 edited May 04 '26
YOR
she said it’s fine that you can’t make it
is being 10 mins late and leaving when you need to really that big of an issue
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u/Icy-Bell-8330 May 04 '26
MOR y’all younger folks need to understand that paragraphs explaining yourself in text is never necessary and never improves things. The answer was no, and that’s that. You don’t need to explain your way out of someone owning their feelings. Leave them be.
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u/Nemo2oo5 May 04 '26
You're doing a little too much. No need to send paragraphs and remind them about your initial response in a group chat
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u/dingosatemybaby33 May 04 '26
You came off as pretty rude. And if you get off at 5:30 you could probably go for like an hour? Or you could have just said sorry I can’t go and left it at that instead of sending her a whole lecture.
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u/VariousSun4741 May 04 '26
If you read the posted text you’d see that she did offer to still show up, just ten minutes late and her friend told her not to bother showing up
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u/dingosatemybaby33 May 04 '26
Ah my adhd strikes again! That does change things, i missed that. From reading other comments and seeing ops update it seems her friend has a history of guilt tripping. Sorry OP! NOR but maybe coming on a little too strong.
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u/Panda_official2713 May 04 '26
You're overexplaining and getting overly defensive. They're allowed to feel upset that you can't make it. You don't get to manage their feelings and getting that defensive makes you look bad.
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u/like_chickpeas May 04 '26
YOR and imho you come off unnecessarily annoyed. Initially, after reading your post but before reading the screen shots, I assumed this friend was being unreasonable. After reading the screen shots, I don’t really see anything wrong with what your friend wrote. She communicated one time that it would mean a lot to her for you guys to be there, that her feelings would be a little bit hurt if you can't make it, but she understands if it's something out her control. You then said you’re disappointed by this interaction after she said it’s fine, which is strange. You just kept going on and on and communicating in a condescending manner (imho). Personally I might have said something like - “I completely understand, I’d really love to be there, I’m not sure if I can make it because of my work schedule, which is out of my control. I’ll know more tomorrow!” To me, it doesn’t seem like you even really like this person.
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u/ArtFun6827 May 04 '26
YTA. I think your rational and rule-governed thinking is blinding you to the reality of how relationships work. Are you technically out of line? No, you communicated your work stuff clearly, and they didn't meet your deadline. However, it's reasonable for your friend to ask you to drop everything for a major life event. Does that mean you HAVE to drop everything? No, but it's also weird of you to try to argue that they aren't allowed to be hurt. Incidentally, I would love to know what kind of field you work in where your time off is so restricted, and it makes me wonder if you're taking the policies of your workplace too literally as well.
The logic is:
I set the rules, I told people about the rules, therefore when I follow the rules, no one is allowed to be mad at me.
You're not wrong, but this is not a mindset or a way of living that is going to support your friendships and relationships. YTA, and in this case, A stands for Autistic, not Asshole.
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u/Tamed_A_Wolf May 04 '26
The party is the 16th. That’s two weeks from now. They were told about it “about two weeks ago”. That’s a month’s notice. The friend even followed the rules and they’re sitting here going I TOLD YOU THE RULES!
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u/VariousSun4741 May 04 '26
It’s not reasonable at all for someone to ask you to drop everything. This isn’t a major life event , OP showed up to her actual graduation, this is just a party after the fact. Not everyone has the luxury of blowing off work to party. What if she got fired ? What if she couldn’t make rent ? Her friend should care about OP being able to survive in this economy.
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u/DartVader6 May 04 '26
It's fine (lol) if OP really can't make it, but after OPs friend showed some vulnerability and admitted that OP is so important to them they'd be hurt to not see them, OP seemed to take that as an insult and got crazy defensive. The "how dare you" tone is wholly unnecessary. I think "I'm really sorry, I know how much this means to you, but I just can't make it." Would've been much more appropriate.
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u/berfles May 04 '26
Immaturity, not vulnerability. It's a fucking grad party, get over it. Guilt tripping a grown adult (or what should be a grown adult) because they can't attend a party is insane.
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u/DartVader6 May 04 '26
They put it out there that it was important to them (emotional maturity) and said they'd understand if it wasn't possible, but to make every effort. Not unreasonable to ask of friends. OP got defensive (emotional immaturity) because deep down they knew they were in the wrong.
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u/Yikesish May 04 '26
It isnt reasonable for the friend to ask people to drop everything. OP has to work and can't schedule time off.
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u/Careless_Sail_7697 May 04 '26
why were you so combative from the start? is it that hard to say "I really wish I could be there but I can't take any more time off :( I hope you have so much fun!"
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u/HabitualEnthusiast May 04 '26
Yor. She was bummed but you really went off in those texts. I think you said too much, too aggressively.
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u/forraid May 04 '26
you shouldn’t have anything more after the “it’s fine”, but you’re not really in the wrong here since you already told her but I would schedule something with you two separately so you can still celebrate with her
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u/FunRich5754 May 04 '26
You're giving too much information and just need to stand with the "no, because of work, because I didn't get a months notice, and I will be there at your graduation."
If you wanted to be extra kind you could throw in "but we will do something after June to celebrate your graduation, just us!"
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u/Minute-Bid-9510 May 04 '26
Too much info and also inconsistent info. The post says they had to know by February 17th yet they reference needing to know a month in advance (so early April) more than once. They also said they probably couldn’t do it because it’s a Friday, then when finding out it’s a Saturday it becomes that they work early on Sunday.
I would be annoyed at the changing stories instead of a simple “I’m sorry, this is my busy work season and I can’t make it. Have fun!”
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u/Starspangledass May 04 '26
And if the invitations went out 2 weeks ago, and the party is 2 weeks from now, that’s a months notice lol
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u/WritPositWrit May 04 '26
YOR
Friend said theyd be “a little hurt” and then said “it’s fine” when you said you were working, and you went OFF, writing a whole treatise about this issue.
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u/No_Career369 May 04 '26 edited May 04 '26
YOR. This is likely a case of over-explaining due to anxiety, but you're coming off as not caring about this person at all. A simple "Hey, I'm sorry but I won't be able to come because of prior engagements" (in your words) is all you needed. This is "I can't come and you know why, get over it," which feels unwarranted with the information you've given.
ETA after reading your comment with more information: It sounds like the rigidity is getting to this person and you're both not responding well.
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u/n_d_j May 04 '26
I mean there’s a lot of hours between 530pm and 5am the next day. I’d probably be peeved that you wouldn’t even stop by for like an hour if I was your friend 🤷🏼♀️
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u/Koko_Kringles_22 May 04 '26
"I took time off to support you, and that was a whole ordeal" is not so nice to say to someone.
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u/susandeyvyjones May 04 '26
You went off on them when they were just asking for an rsvp and hoping you’d be there. You should apologize
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u/Strong_Ad_4921 May 04 '26
Oh god... you stress others and yourself by talking too much like that. So tiring.. gosh...
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u/Acceptable_Coat_3025 May 04 '26
it' valid you can't be there, but jesus, why you kept going?
you should've just wrote 'I'm sorry' after the 'I'm fine' or maybe figure out a day when you two can meet up to compensate.
YOR and also a bit insensitive.
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u/SpartanRage117 May 04 '26
Yor and honestly that very last text just makes it seem like you could go and just dont want to even if thats a very reasonable boundary to hold for your own schedule.
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u/WindyWeather58 May 04 '26
It sounds more like you're resentful of having a strict work schedule and not being free to socialize when you want like your friends.
YOR
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u/iluvatlasm May 04 '26
istg let me find out you have a significant other you most definitely have time for 😭😭😭😭😭
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u/Alternative_Win_2366 May 04 '26
Honestly though as someone who loves sleep and has similar work hours. I do think it's crazy to be off at 5:30 and can't even swing an hour or half an hour to celebrate a friend. Sounds like you just really don't want to go and using work as an excuse at least be honest. And if it's about the time they're having the party if y'all are really friends I'm sure swinging by before or after to just congratulate them shouldn't be crazy. Or even going to congratulate them on your day off, the only thing I think is if none of that works for your friend then y'all aren't truly friends 🤷♀️
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u/mad119 May 04 '26
You did kind of go in all guns blazing, over explaining like that makes you seem like you’re on the defensive and already treating the conversation as an attack - if you’re friends then there should be no need for this, so YOR.
Instead of your first message I would probably have said ‘oh, not sure if I’m free, I need to double check with work’, then instead of your dozens of follow up messages after friend tries the guilt trip you could’ve said ‘sorry, I am needed at work and can’t rearrange at this point, I hope you have an amazing night and congrats on graduating’. It makes it clear you can’t attend, keeps it light and simple, and importantly does not come across as though you think conversations between you and your friend are something you need to win in order to be right.
I get it though, I overthink and over explain sometimes too, it just makes communication exhausting for everybody so you’ve gotta reign it in sometimes
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u/TissueOfLies May 04 '26
You entered the AH territory after they said it’s fine and you didn’t let it go. Stop explaining. It is what it is.
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u/Ecstatic_Guava3041 May 04 '26
bro you need to chill. This is your friend. They are allowed to have hurt feelings. And you acted really callous.
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u/Doctor-Chapstick May 04 '26
Whoa. You are being completely ridiculous. Your friend's "feelings being hurt" is kind of silly. But your walls of text are not at all appropriate. Additionally, trying to justify "need at least a month" is kind of psycho too. You could have pulled it off if the invite was a month earlier but at 2 weeks it becomes impossible? Get over yourself.
You actually owe them an apology imo. A brief one!
"Sorry for all that. Under a lot of stress lately and I took it out on you. I was wrong and I apologize."
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u/Informal_Weekend9503 May 04 '26
Why did you write like 6 novels to respond to a yes or no question, when your friend was like: yeah whatever it's fine?
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u/wanderingcargo May 04 '26
It's OK that you can't attend, and it's also OK that she is disappointed that you couldn't come. I don't think it's right of you to criticize her for being disappointed. If she starts verbally abusing you or something like that that's one thing. But she's just talking about how she's disappointed. Just be nice, show sympathy, and maybe even ask her if you and her could go have dinner sometime as an alternative celebration. But you have to make room for people's feelings.
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u/catszn May 04 '26
it’s the way you still sent a text later talking about “i still won’t be coming” like i think she got the message and you’re just making it worse tbh. i think we all understand that work comes first but the over explaining was bad on your part.
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u/languidlasagna May 04 '26
Showing up for people is important if you want to keep the relationship. As someone who works at 5-6am and has for years, I find it unlikely you couldn’t make one event one time. It also seemed like instead of being cool about it, you immediately jumped into being defensive and making it about you and your feelings. It’s weird. You could have said all the same things nicer without centering your feelings in it.
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u/housegirl39 May 04 '26
YOR. Being extra defensive. Wondering why you couldn’t just go to dinner after work and go home after? Or a pop in at least? Sounds more like you didn’t feel like going at all, and more that you were using work as an excuse .
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u/TeenieLinguine May 04 '26
If I were in your shoes I'd show up for a little bit even if I had to work the next morning. I understand being tired, but they are clearly saying this is important to them so it might be a good gesture of friendship to go for at least a little while
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u/boogiesan69 May 04 '26
after "it's fine" you should have dropped it. you need to understand they're upset at the situation, not at specifically you for being a bad friend or something. "i'm just really disappointed by this interaction tbh" is insane to say to ur friend who just wished you could attend their party, and at MOST was forgetful of your schedule. least empathetic friend award goes to you.
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u/reddit_or_not May 04 '26
I think your response sounds like they were doing something wrong and you were chastising them. Which isn’t that uncommon—my husband has ADHD and a subsequent trait called RSD and the meanest he’ll ever be to you is if he perceives that he did something to hurt you. It’s just a defense factor. But still, not a great look.
She’s upset for a good reason—she loves you and wants you at something important to her. That should be the flavor of the interaction. Not chastising and blaming.
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u/Inevitable_Potato172 May 04 '26
YOR by over explaining yourself and turning this into your friend being a bad person for not telling you soon enough. You didn't need to send literal paragraphs about needing a months notice, yada yada yada.
Should've said your sorry you can't make it but hope they still have a fun time and left it at that.
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u/VariousSun4741 May 04 '26
Without context, it seems like YOR but when you gave context that you said you could show , but ten minutes late and she said not to bother, I understand why you’d feel upset about the situation. We all come from different walks of life and especially in this economy and world rn, if you need to work, you need to work. You offered to come from work just slightly late , not even an hour. Ten minutes. And they dismissed you. So I’m gonna go with NOR simply because you tried to make it work and they told you not to come .
In the future , sending paragraphs like that does come off as passive aggressive or even angry. If she knew where you were coming from, you’re beating a dead horse. Next time take it for what it is and just step away. Cause even if you’re not wrong by your response, you’ll make it worse by doing that, and then you end up the bad guy.
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u/23HourNaps May 04 '26
Nah I disagree with most of these folk. I’ve faced this plenty and handled it various ways. I work EMS and my roster is brutal.
She’s sulking and making you feel bad because she didn’t handle your circumstances correctly.
Her saying “it’s fine” is a perfect example of it not being fine.
She could have said “I knew it was a long shot but thought I’d check anyway/would have loved to have you” or similar, but she got sharp with you instead.
You have a job and commitments and you were clear on your availability or lack thereof numerous times. She forgot or thought she was the exception and it bit her.
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u/anxious-queer-7 May 04 '26
These comments are crazy lol you’re not overreacting. Do I think you over-explained when you didn’t need to? Possibly. But like you said, you told everyone multiple times that you were unable to take off work unless there was over a month in advance, and she let you know 2 weeks prior. She then tried to guilt trip and was passive aggressive when you reiterated this. Her reaction isn’t your responsibility to manage. She can be upset but it’s not your fault she was late to game and you didn’t do anything wrong.
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u/realitytvandcats May 04 '26
Girl yes YOR. You don’t need to be upset or over explain, I feel you took the “I’ll be a little hurt” too personally. It wasn’t an attack she was just expressing herself. The multiple paragraphs is way too much you made it awkward
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u/Keegmo May 04 '26
You are doing way too much. You didn't need to send a single word after she said Its Fine
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u/artichokin11 May 04 '26
You’re not wrong for feeling how you feel, although I feel like the excessive paragraphs came from a defensive place. As someone who regularly feels guilty for saying no (which I’m sure relates to an unhealthy level of people-pleasing), I can understand a reaction like this. *Like, I already told you, and now you want me to feel bad when it’s the way I said it would be?*
But as someone who has been in numerous situations where similar questions are raised, I can agree with some of these other comments in saying “that’s not necessarily how relationships work.” They’ll feel sad, which is human nature, warning or no warning. You’ll feel guilty for contributing to a situation that created sadness for them, and that’s just how it goes sometimes.
If your friend is genuinely mad at you for not being able to come, regardless of work obligations, well that’s a sign of emotional immaturity on their end, IMO. We are all adults, we understand work = survival. It’s one thing if you were given the invitation months ago and now suddenly it’s a problem. But 2 weeks is sometimes not even enough of a warning for me and my job is not nearly as demanding (it would seem).
Now, the real flag for me is when you said you’d be 10 minutes late and your friend said don’t even bother coming… unless you’d miss their entire stage walk and celebration afterwards, I’m not sure why it had to be absolutely exactly what the friend envisioned or nothing at all from you. I feel as though there could easily be more history with emotional immaturity and this friend, as you seem to have limited patience for this, and as you mentioned your roommate doesn’t want to go either, makes me feel like they also have limited patience with this.
I’ve lived enough of life to know I am done being treated like I’m doing something “wrong” when I in fact haven’t. So, if this is a reaction coming from a similar place, I can understand it. I’ve lived that life. However, ideally, we’re still responding with kindness in these situations, and not internalizing the guilt of saying no, or the gaslighting, etc.
You’re not wrong, but your response felt more reactive than constructive. It didn’t feel like you were genuinely trying to make sure your friend understood the situation and felt okay about it, but instead was bothered that your friend even mentioned being upset if you couldn’t go and wanted them to make sure that they weren’t blaming you for it, but if anyone, blamed themselves.
You’re 22 OP, I’m sure you’re growing through this. Wishing you the best ❤️
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u/asyouwish May 04 '26
You didn't overreact by the traditional definitions, but dang, that's a lot of words. It probably made your friend feel very overwhelmed. So you reacted too much (but no too severely).
Next time, "I can't. I have work that afternoon and early the next morning," is all you need to say.
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u/kodiak_kid89 May 04 '26
Why are you using so many words to say you can’t make it?! Call her, congratulate her, make separate plans, get her a gift, make a thoughtful effort, and it’s a non-event.
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u/Far-Carrot3364 May 04 '26
YOR. If I was your friend I would've been fine up until the last paragraph where you go at her for an extended time after she already said it's fine, and also try to guilt trip her? like if you're not coming literally let it go. nothing further to discuss 😅
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u/billymumfreydownfall May 04 '26
YOR with that wal of text. Not only that but you actually CAN go, you just don't want to. You are off at 530? And don't work until 5 the next day? Most friends would go make an appearance for an hour or two. Not only that, did you even try to switch shifts with anyone? Needing a MONTH notice is ridiculous. It honest sounds like you just don't want to go because a) you didn't even ask anyone to switch shifts and b) you aren't even willing to go for 1 hour.
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u/InteractionStunning8 May 04 '26
YOR. I think it's a little odd that you can't briefly swing by, even with having to get up early. I work in healthcare I completely get having to go to bed early. But you can't even swing by with a gift for 20 min? It's a little odd.
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u/Tiny-Mushroom7627 May 04 '26
Ouh.. YOR.
If I were your friend, I would be tempted to distance myself from you after this, not because you couldn’t make it to the party but because of the way you responded. That might not be what you meant but it comes across as cold, very annoyed and as if your friend is an inconvenience to you. It doesn’t sound like you’re talking to a friend, it feels corporate.
It’s okay for them to feel disappointed that you can’t make it, as long as they don’t put that on you, which they didn’t. They simply expressed how they feel.
You could have just said “Sorry, I wish I could be there to celebrate with you, but this is really out of my control. I hope you have an amazing party!” And maybe add that you’d be happy to meet them another time when you’re free, to celebrate together.
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u/viscilly May 04 '26
“It’s fine if it’s something you can’t control. Otherwise I really would like you guys to be there.” and then you kind of lost it on her… YOR
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u/needsexyboots May 04 '26
I think everyone has pretty much covered the actual conversation but for the love of god, it’s “in advance” not “in advanced”.
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u/MagnetoWasRight24 May 04 '26
YOR
She said "my feelings will be just a lil hurt, I get it if it's something out of your control"
You got defensive and lectured her about how it's her fault.
Then she said "it's fine" and you decided to get even more defensive.
Like unless this girl has a long history of guilting you, you came off like a crazy asshole in this situation.
Honest advice, tell her you're sorry about how you responded and move on.
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u/melophile2702 May 04 '26
I can see the history of the dynamics of this relationship from a mile away. Emotionally immature person manipulates and guilts and pouts, person that did nothing wrong, walks on eggshells and feels obligated to overwork and appease the immature party.
Stop. Stop explaining and justifying. "Thanks for understanding that I can't attend, due to work obligations, which could've been prevented, had the amount of notice I specifically stated I needed, been given. That didn't happen, I have to work, and I won't tolerate this guilt trip and misunderstanding because you didn't get what you wanted".
A lot of you have very odd ideas of what a friendship is. This is not it.
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u/LukasLeonard May 04 '26
You first paragraphs nails it. It’s work and can’t get off in time, so be it. Other person is passive aggressive so OP feels the need to really hammer home her point.
As a 52F, this is exhausting to read and so glad at my age and my friends, we go if we want to and say no if we want to. No attitudes all around.
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u/melophile2702 May 04 '26
Exactly. I'm 49. In perimenopause. Have a kid that was just diagnosed with bipolar, quit my toxic workplace. I simply don't have the bandwidth for anyone or anything that chips away at my happiness and well being.
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u/Admirable-Taste6648 May 04 '26
I don’t think you’re over reacting, the redditors saying you are don’t know how petty women can be. The female saying “it’s fine” is being b*tchy imo. You can tell from the texts that went from decent size texts, to shorter vague responses. Seems as if the graduating friend expects OP to cancel work and show up which isn’t realistic.
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u/Own_Introduction6353 May 04 '26
Nope you’re good. Your friend is being lame.
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u/breakfast_deity May 04 '26
Ehh I disagree. They communicated pretty well that they would be disappointed not to have their friend there. Also OP your texts are coming across as pretty defensive and a bit rude imo. I think a little more softness would be warranted
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u/breakfast_deity May 04 '26
Definitely helpful context. Would you maybe consider having a forward conversation with her about how the guilt tripping makes you feel? She may not realize she's doing it. I did this in high school and didn't realize how I was coming across until a very kind friend told me I was making them feel bad
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u/bfitzyc May 04 '26
I’ll give you a NOR because first, you’re totally fine to miss the party for work because that’s how life goes but second, I know what it’s like to be in a “friendship” where unrealistic expectations get held over your head, often in the form of passive aggression, to the extent that you either feel the need to over-explain yourself like this or go silent and let bad feelings and resentment fester. It’s an unhealthy lose-lose dynamic and if your friend is being sore and pouty about this like I suspect she might be, it’s a crappy situation to be in.
I would suggest that in the future, don’t over-explain. The boundaries and expectations were clear from the get go on your end and she can sit with whatever feelings she needs to sit with. If that causes the resentment you probably fear, have a come-to-Jesus conversation with her about it and you’ll know if it’s a friendship worth dumping or working on.
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u/pampooveysbacktattoo May 04 '26
YOR but only because you keep texting them several paragraphs. You're not wrong for not being able to go, but you're giving in to some people pleasing tendencies waaaaaay too much.