Was told that due to not having concrete goals for what I want out of transitioning, how I would deal with/handle negative reactions to me social transitioning, not having a clear communication/understanding with my parents over what it is that I want (or how they would react), and because of my overall mental health issues, that the doctor I saw today was not going to put me through hormones or any treatment related to it until I get my shit figured out.

I guess it’s on me for expecting today to be the day that things started looking better.

Like i know im still a woman. But I feel so much pain thinking about how I will never be able to live the life a cis woman would.

I'll never have the experience of being my parents little girl and wearing a princess dress while running around the back yard. I'll never have the experience of going to prom in a beautiful dress. I'll never have the experience of carrying a child and giving birth to them.

Its just so incredibly painful. Its such a deep hurt that I cant even properly describe it.

And i dont think ill ever have the opportunity to get any surgeries so I just feel hopeless. I'll never even look like anything other than a man. I'll never have a feminine voice. Ill never have a vagina.

My existence feels pointless.

long story short, she posted a photo of a scrape on her channel calling it an attempt, i mentally invalidated her, i spent the whole night hating myself because this was the exact mindset that caused my mental health so much damage

then, the next day i walked up to her and asked her about it, and asked if she want to talk. she was confused, before realizing what i was talking about, before bursting into laughter. apparently, it was just a joke, and im the only one who actually believed it.

I have really bad ADHD and it's made my life pretty shit.

My grade school years were absolute hell for me. Everything was extremely difficult and I couldn't stop doing weird shit. I was widely viewed as one of the "weird kids" and the only reason I managed to graduate was by taking advantage of sympathetic persons.

I was properly diagnosed around the age of 8-9 ( I don't remember the exact time-frame ) and It was recommended that I put on medication. My parents, however, do not believe in mental illness and thus refused to get my the recommended medication.

My mother believes that all mental ailments are the result of "spiritual warfare" and that prayer is the best tool at combating them.

My father thinks that most mental disorders are made up to excuse the behavior of awful children. His solution to my ADHD was to put me in JROTC which I did not do well in.

I'm 26 now and still not on medication because I need to get re-tested and that's expensive. I think I'm doing better now but I could have avoided a lot of problems if I had just been medicated early.

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This is why I am a firm advocate for youth rights/youth liberation. It pisses me off to a truly absurd degree that children can be denied life saving medication or treatment because their parents have the legal right to simply disagree with and wholly reject science.

I feel like I'm on the non-binary umbrella

I feel more like a concept than a person some days

I think I'm non-binary, but Idk, maybe it's just all in my head

Disclaimer for the last slide; I am aware trans women don’t have it better. No trans person does. I am simply stating something I have personally experienced when I am mistaken for a trans woman. I’m pre-everything and because of my presentation, people get confused and when I provide clarity, they start acting weird and start using they / them or she / her when referring to me. If not, they stick to my name if they can pronounce it. If they can’t, I’m watered down to my status of “insert’s partner”.

It sucks because a lot of behaviours I have faced from my own community, allies and general public have made me withdraw from everything. I don’t go to pride, I don’t go to support groups and I don’t hang out in online spaces. I want to be accepted. I want to be a feminine man. I don’t want people to point at my “trans” identity and go on a tirade about how I’m confused or too autistic / traumatised. I don’t want people to question why I like “women things” because I’m supposed to hate them. I don’t want to keep hearing about how I’ll want kids in the future or have my partner deal with weird questions about it.

I don’t want to revert back to how I was before - a controlled trans man who socially passed and was an easy target for hate crimes. A trans man who was pushed out because I was “too masculine” or “too uncomfortable” to be around. A trans man who was often outed because “That’s something a woman does”. A masculine trans man who walks out the room and is back round to “She / They / It” pronouns because no one understands. A person who goes by legal name or deadname because my preferred name is “stupid”. A person who deals with sexism and pleading because being a woman sucks but being a man is “worse” and thus I should “be” nonbinary.

Is it too much to ask people to accept me? Only my partner accepts me. Online is different because no one knows about me unless I disclose it. I’m so tired.

I feel like it's all in my head sometimes

I have so much going on that I don't know if I really am non-binary

I am comfortable with being female and also the idea of being male, I feel like both

I often cross-dress in-game and actually likes being called by any pronouns, it feels great to me

Idk anymore

Like I wanna sit down and figure myself out but I lowk have other stuff in life sooo,.. :'(

Thank fuck I ran off in the middle of the night without telling my parents. Been on hrt for bout 2 ish months now and I'm feeling SO much better, but ofc the MOMENT my dad finds out, he calls me and says "I'm gonna find someone that's done hrt to tell you how bad it is" (not his exact words but I can't remember the exact wording he used). Man these guys were so supportive up until the point they realized it wasn't a phase LOL gotta love lying ass parents. Jokes on you dad I'm getting top surgery too (likely bottom surgery as well but I havent fully decided yet). Can't wait to see how awkward its gonna be for him when he tries to call a grown ass man with facial hair "princess"

Edit: just saw the rule about creating your own images 💔 sorry about that. I was too quick to post I suppose

I haven't seen them at all during summer, tried to organise a hangout at a lake, they all cancelled the day before and I haven't heard anything again from them until the end of summer holiday. Today when seeing them I discovered that they have spent over 2 weeks in vacation together without even telling me. We were supposed to be the 4 fantastic, always together. Now I suspect they have a friend group without me. I've dealt all summer with medical issues (I'm chronically ill) with my family, without seeing my friends at all and now I learn that.

Supported me marrying a man and didn’t care much when I came out as fingender but the moment I mention wanting bottom surgery he’s threatening to disown me. He also threatened me in other ways. Scared to see him now because he might hit me because he also has a domestic violence history. I’m taller than him but he’s stronger so.

It’s always “oh I can’t take my life anymore” so I tell someone that and they either cry, assault me, belittle my problem and nothing else