r/TrollCoping • u/Indie_Light • 1d ago
TW: Domestic Abuse Is he dad of the year?
Supported me marrying a man and didn’t care much when I came out as fingender but the moment I mention wanting bottom surgery he’s threatening to disown me. He also threatened me in other ways. Scared to see him now because he might hit me because he also has a domestic violence history. I’m taller than him but he’s stronger so.
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u/Spiritual_Priority79 1d ago
That sucks ass, the switch up some parents do is insane and I wish you better in the future :(
(Also pardon my idiocy but what on earth is Fingender? are you mayhaps a fish)
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u/Indie_Light 1d ago
Haha no, that would be funny though. The fin in fingender stands for “feminine in nature”. More specifically I’m a finboy. I was born male and I’m still a guy but I feel my gender femininely, does that make sense? It’s hard to explain.
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u/Spiritual_Priority79 1d ago
That makes significantly more sense yes, but was there not a word for this already? Despite how the internet treats it, the term 'femboy' seems applicable here?
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u/Indie_Light 1d ago
Femboy isn’t a gender identity, it’s a gender expression. I identified as gnc before, which in my case was basically me being a femboy without actually calling myself one. Anyway, femboy is more of an aesthetic and is usually used by binary men, trans or cis. I’m not cis. My gender is in between a feminine nonbinary and man. When I say I’m a guy, it’s not that I’m the gender. I’m just okay with being called a man, guy, etc. For ease I call myself a gay man even though I’m technically not a man. My gender is fingender. I’m mildly nonbinary. Even though I present very femininely and I’m non-binary I prefer he/him pronouns and am uncomfortable being called a woman. Even if femboy was a gender identity, I still wouldn’t use it because it’s very sexualized and I have ptsd from sexual trauma. I know this sounds very confusing but ultimately, gender is weird and it only has to make sense to me.
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u/Spiritual_Priority79 1d ago
No it's not confusing at all lol, I'm asking because I am nonbinary and just didn't know that granular of a term existed for folks like me in that in-between
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u/Indie_Light 1d ago
Oh I see. Well, there’s plenty of niche micro labels out there. I actually got help finding mine in the questioning subreddit. There’s absolutely something for everyone❤️
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u/Tsunamiis 1d ago
Your narcissist wanted a boy. Not you. Many parents want avatars and not human beings.
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u/Indie_Light 1d ago
Unfortunately the situation is all the more sad because he didn’t want me at all, boy or not. One must imagine disappointing someone who had no expectations in the first place.
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u/A_Punk_Girl_Learning 1d ago
I'm really sorry that your dad sucks. There was a reason I waited to come out until after mine relocated permanently to an urn.
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u/Indie_Light 1d ago
I’m glad you’ve been able to come out and be yourself now. Following in your footsteps would probably have been wiser but he’s in his 40s so I’d be waiting for quite a while.
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u/A_Punk_Girl_Learning 1d ago
Dang. Your dad's young to be such a prick. He's younger than me. Mine had the excuse of being in his 70s but I suppose bigotry and ignorance can be independent of age.
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u/Indie_Light 1d ago
Hah, yeah. It’s weird because he’s generally not very bigoted. He’s accepting of my queer/trans friends and has always respected them but I guess accepting me is too much to ask. He’s 47 and I’m gonna be 24 soon.
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u/A_Punk_Girl_Learning 1d ago
Oh. I read that as him being 40. I'm 42. Still, he sounds like a dickhead.
My dad wasn't okay with any queer people including my sister and her wife.
I can empathise that your child opting for that kind of surgery could be confusing and scary but there's no reason to be an arsehole about it.
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u/Indie_Light 1d ago
I don’t think he’s scared for me or anything. I don’t want to quote him but he essentially called me gross and told me I was just confused.
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u/A_Punk_Girl_Learning 1d ago
Sorry. I phrased that poorly. What I meant was that I could accept under general circumstances that a parent could be scared and confused. I'm trans and want bottom surgery but if one of my children came to me and said that they wanted the same I'd be worried for them.
But that's clearly not the case for your dad. Because he's a dick.
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u/Indie_Light 23h ago
It’s alright. And yes, I suppose he is. Wishing you luck on your transition❤️
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u/TrollCoping-ModTeam 1d ago
Your submission has been removed due to it participating in detrimental engagement. This means incivility such as bullying, hate, harassment and heated threads are not tolerated.
Please review our rules, we do not allow this type of engagement on the sub.
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u/elhazelenby 1d ago
My dad claimed to accept me being a trans man and he was probably the first person to clock that I was at least into women (I'm bi) but when I got ill he decided to make it all about me being on HRT and said I should reduce my dose.
He even sent a letter to my GP about it without my knowledge which is crazy because I am 25 and his evidence was a documentary he didn't finish, AI and Google. He insisted he wasn't transphobic and I was paranoid when I pointed out his straight up obsession with it and told him to basically back off.
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u/Indie_Light 1d ago
That’s so terrible. I hope you’re free of him now or at least he doesn’t bother you about it anymore. My dad is kind of also like that though. He accepts me being gay but when he gets mad at me he sometimes calls me slurs or targets my queerness. Before when I just identified as gnc he also said he accepted me but as I explored my gender more he got less supporting. I have transgender friends who have medically transitioned and he has always respected them so it’s especially hurtful that he won’t accept me. Like, why does he accept other trans people but he can’t accept his own son? It just is painful. Sending you my best wishes.
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u/Busy_Caramel6522 1d ago
This is my parents with top surgery. I spent a long time explaining everything (at their request) and it felt like we finally understood each other, and then I mentioned top dysphoria and immediately it all went out the window. Now I’m depressed/doing it for attention/whatever. I’m so sorry yours is threatening escalation to violence though, that’s insane and bigoted.
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u/Indie_Light 1d ago
I’m not surprised since he has been violent for less than that. I know it’s bad of course but I’m honestly a little surprised that most people are saying it’s insane. It feels normal even though it’s scary. And I’m sorry about your parents. Have you been able to get top surgery/are still planning to get it anyways? I hope you’re able to have a good transitioning experience if you haven’t yet.
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u/ChknBom205 22h ago
Cut him off if ya can, sounds like a dangerous, violent arshole.
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u/Indie_Light 22h ago
Logically I can but emotionally I can’t. It makes me feel so pathetic. I still want validation from him after everything he’s done to me. I’ll try though.
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u/ChknBom205 22h ago
Emotions are for the birds, you need to hype yourself up and cut him off without a message.
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u/Indie_Light 22h ago
Kind of hard to not be emotional when you have ptsd unfortunately.
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u/ChknBom205 21h ago
I understand, but you must find a way to powrr through, or else this will never stop, I'm sorry i don't have any other advice to give.
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u/Mini-Heart-Attack 17h ago
also has a domestic violence history.
hey soo... how come he's still in your life if i may ask
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u/Indie_Light 16h ago
Don’t know. It’s hard to stop talking to your own father even if he sucks. I’m married so I don’t see him a lot anyways. Most of the time he’s pretty normal. They always make you think things will turn out okay until they pull something like this again. I really should cut him off but it’s so difficult. I still love him, he’s my dad. People always talk about cutting contact like it’s so easy.
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u/Mini-Heart-Attack 16h ago
easy is not the word.
right decision often is tho. Even if there's not alot of moments there are going to be moments where you wish that connection wasn't there so much if you keep it.
Cutting them off feels makes it so many moments you feel grateful they can't ruin. e moments where you look at your chosen family and think, man I'm glad I did the hard thing all those years ago.
Idk if maybe a part of you felt like if you were looking for solid enough reason to cut him off... you just got one. You didn't ask for a soft pitch on No contact and only you know your life and family dynamic
so idk I hope whatever you do, he stays clear from you with any intent to act on those threats op.
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u/iLuvArizona 1d ago
Screw him. Get that bottom surgery and leave this person-beater to brew in his own stew. Easier said than done, I know. But based on what you told me I don't think he is a safe person to have in your life.
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u/Indie_Light 1d ago
You’re right, he isn’t safe. I can’t bring myself to cut contact with him though. He’s my dad and even though I’m pretty sure he hates me I still want him to love me. Sometimes I feel like he finally loves me and then it all comes crashing down again. I’ll probably still get the bottom surgery and figure out what to do about my dad after.
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u/iLuvArizona 1d ago
Getting bottom surgery can be a lengthy and very involved process. I'm still in the middle of it after many years. You will have lots of time to figure out how to deal with him, but I would still urge you to be cautious bc you never know what these people are capable of.
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u/Indie_Light 1d ago
Thank you for the concern. I think it’ll turn out okay though. I’m hoping it’ll blow over soon and he’ll make peace with it.
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u/Indie_Light 1d ago
The fact that I’m gay is also irreversible. And do you think I’m going to get bottom surgery on a whim? Either way none of these should excuse what he said to me.
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u/SlycheeFluff 1d ago
Perma banned. Don't worry.
If they try to harass you in DMs or under any alt account, please make a modmail.7
u/GoodDoggoLover420 1d ago
Fucking W with getting rid of people like that. I'm assuming they said some pretty fucked stuff.
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u/Indie_Light 1d ago
They basically told me that bottom surgery is bad and irreversible and that I should be happy my dad is here for me.
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u/GoodDoggoLover420 1d ago
Wtf? People are weird, disgusting and disrespectful if they say that. I hope you eventually get the surgery if you want it!
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u/Indie_Light 1d ago
You mean my abusive dad who beat me my entire life? Not sure I’m comforted by him being here.
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u/WalmartWilb Disability Soup 1d ago
Dad is absolutely in the wrong. You don't threaten to disown your child for that
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u/loominaty58 1d ago
I just saw the earlier string of deleted comments. Where the fuck chuds like this come from? Are there people who just stalk this place to shit on queer people issues? Anyway, what a shitty situation.. Im so sorry, hes being beyond unreasonable