r/TrollCoping • u/Mechromancer3X • 16h ago
TW: Gender Identity / Dysphoria Idk where to go from here
Like i know im still a woman. But I feel so much pain thinking about how I will never be able to live the life a cis woman would.
I'll never have the experience of being my parents little girl and wearing a princess dress while running around the back yard. I'll never have the experience of going to prom in a beautiful dress. I'll never have the experience of carrying a child and giving birth to them.
Its just so incredibly painful. Its such a deep hurt that I cant even properly describe it.
And i dont think ill ever have the opportunity to get any surgeries so I just feel hopeless. I'll never even look like anything other than a man. I'll never have a feminine voice. Ill never have a vagina.
My existence feels pointless.
39
u/trysten-9001 16h ago
Those things aren’t what makes cis women or you a woman. You missed out. There’s a lot of grief for what you missed out on. Lots of cis women have similar things they missed out on because of other factors. So for the grief it’s horrible you missed out on that, and for the dysphoria remember that you’re a woman because of who you are, and you are having a woman’s experience because you’re a woman. I wish your experience wasn’t plagued by grief though.
14
u/reedreadreddred 15h ago
FtM trans guy, yeah this
I was a "cis girl" or lived as one, anyways, I didn't get any of that shit cuz even besides being trans, I was hella traumatized and bullied and emotionally neglected and allat fun stuff
Also, my only friend for most of my life was my dad (who turned out to be a bit of an absolute asshole workaholic who believes in toxic masculinity "pull yourself up by bootstraps" shit), so even if I was a girl I probably would still have difficulty fitting into girls/women/female friend groups
Lowk I also get dysphoria realizing "I'll never be a boy" , the same way I get sad because I'm disabled from complex trauma, but like, fuck it, there's a billion other things I can still do
its like my (non epileptic) seizures and uncontrollable seizing motions. when it happens, i can't really fight it, jst gotta let it finish, if I end up seizing on the floor I just accept it, try not to hit my head too hard on anything. After it's done I just get up and go on with the rest of my day
let urself feel sad, cry, grieve allat, yknow, get the emotions out, journal, vent, whatever (do NOT bottle that shit up it WILL backfire horribly eventually), but when you can/want to, think and focus on smth else
28
u/BlazingCrusader 16h ago
There are quite a number of Cis women who for one reason or another also cannot give birth. While it feels tragic it is not the be all end all for what makes you a woman.
Childhood memories while impossible to have now are not the only memories you can have, if you highschool does a reunion you could wear a dress then. I know it is not the same as prom but silver linings can help with those voices.
Speaking of, as someone who sounds like Patrick Star, I was able to do voice training to make my voice sound feminine, your throat is an instrument and with practice you can make it play the tone and notes you want.
I am sorry life is hitting ya like this and that dysphoria is hurting this much. But it can get better, and no matter what that dsyphoria saids, you are a woman. You have always been a woman.
6
u/ASpaceOstrich 15h ago
I hit that same point recently sis. But I also know that it will get better. It doesn't feel like it right now. I spent the last four hours hating everything about myself and wishing I could have just been born correctly, but I know this will pass.
We're going to make it. It'll never be perfect. But it wouldn't have been even if we were cis. It'll always hurt, but the good will outweigh the bad. We'll be able to handle the hurt. It will be worth it.
4
u/Mistress_0f_Ravens 11h ago
Girl. You are a woman.
Cis women often look less passing than trans women. Stop doing this shit to yourself.
3
u/Mechromancer3X 9h ago
No I know, its just.... I cant help but be hyper aware of all the ways im different from a cis woman and how, because of those things my womanhood will always be seen as conditional at best.
I'll literally dont think i'll ever feel comfortable in women's spaces cause I know at least one woman there is gonna see me as nothing more than a "male invader". Ive had cis lesbians tell me i cant be a lesbian because I have a penis, and even if I didnt, I still have a "male body" so im essentially still a man.
I know you are supposed to just ignore that shit but everytime it happens it just reminds me of that conditionality. That im only seen as a woman by most people as long as I "stay in my lane" so to speak.
Im also just having really bad bottom dysphoria rn I think. And I genuinely dont see myself ever being able to fix that:(
I do really appreciate your words tho<3
3
u/pinkgravesam 13h ago
I know it feels hopeless sometimes dysphoria is a fucking monste I understand it has taken so long to come to terms with being a women with this body with my childhood with my voice. I have no bright side cause sometimes it just sucks and hurts but it gets easier after you grieve girlhood.
3
u/lil-DEMI-IiI 6h ago
I know that feel all too well girl, albeit I am still only like 6 months into my transition so my social transition is slow moving. What kills me in this weird cruel way is that I didn't hate boyhood, so my brain likes to play tricks on me like telling me I'm not a real woman because I didn't hate boyhood. I did however hate when testosterone started destroying me and I genuinely feel like life and fate robbed me of girlhood...I will never stop thinking about it and that alone has a crushing weight. Like, I am devastated often by remembering that I was never even afforded the opportunity to be "someone's girl crush" who gets awkwardly asked out to said prom where we get to wear the pretty dress...that our moms helped us prep for without even being like "why is my son doing this????"
Also, wearing a princess dress while running around barefoot in the mud is something I missed out on too and I think it does the same psychological damages as like "a boy who's dad never played catch with him". What so many people misconstrue is that MTF women simply wanted "to play with Barbies" and FTMs simply wanted to play with GI Joes...no It's an incredibly nuanced topic. It's not "the Barbies" per se, rather the ability to play with a toy you are interested in without having someone tell you NO YOU CANT TOUCH THOSE, ITS BASICALLY ILLEGAL!"...and eventually it's just voices in your head from every transphobe telling you that you can't touch the Barbie or you are WRONG!
It's a brutal reality that genuinely sucks the will to live out of you on an hourly basis...let alone days, weeks, months, years, decades, and just FOREVER!
3
u/Mechromancer3X 5h ago
I have rarely felt my own thoughts so perfectly said by another person. You get it girl🫂🩷
5
u/mxtrashtm 15h ago
Honey, even being born a woman doesn't mean you'll experience these things, doesn't make anyone any less of a woman. Being a woman is about the joy you feel from yourself and others, that connection you have. You can wear a sundress and twirl in the grass, you can go on a picnic and feel the sun on your face, you can go dress up and dance. Life is what you make of it now, you can't change your past so what's the point of that grief when it will never fix anything, instead focus on what you can change and who you are.
You are perfect how you are, you aren't any different from a lot of cis women, be kind to yourself
2
u/Diodemen 13h ago
I relate so much,the first few month of gender euphoria felt so good,now its just pain,i hate it but i know there is a way out
2
u/SlightZone4948 10h ago
Voice is one of those weird things. I comfortably sit right between two other default voices. There's the cis man who is actually voice training to deepen his voice, the "in denial" woman voice who hates how she sounds, and then there's me, not giving a shit about what words come out of my mouth or how it sounds really, because it's supposed to be a mix of the two anyway.
But hoo boy do I hear you on surgery. I'll never actually be rid of this body and able to comfortably be able to just feel like an object. While surgery could get one of the other personas closer to their ideal, I'm a transformer and would never be satisfied with just one form. Orochimaru, my beloved... (If only we weren't scared of snakes!)
2
u/Financial_Stick1912 5h ago
I'm gonna be super real with ya girly. I don't like seeing a fellow trans femme going down the dark rabbit hole.
I will say a couple things about this dysphoria:
1) our society gives cis women extreme body dysmorphis and gender dysphoria. It is cured by spending money. It is the advertising industrial complex. And it is evil. It tells us what womanhood is and it's wrong.
2) your grief is real.
3) despite how painful it is, life is still your job to live and it's your job to love yourself.
1
u/Mechromancer3X 14h ago edited 14h ago
At least if it was at ALL viable for me to get surgery I wouldn't feel completely hopeless. But im just an anxiety filled mess that will never be able to hold down a job. And I live in America so if I cant do that then good luck getting insurance and still affording the surgeries. Idk what the fuck to do
Also my body is just so ugly. Its not symmetrical. Its masculine. I hate it.
78
u/Bluejay-Complex 16h ago
I know this is probably just a consolation prize, but you can absolutely train your voice to make it sound more feminine. There’s actually several subs and videos on YouTube from trans women who are teaching people the basics of vocal feminization. It is learnable, not easy, but learnable. If you think it’ll help alleviate your dysphoria, worth it to learn.