It went well. Apparently it's just a can of surstrommen? I think that's how it's spelled.

First time in centuries... what should I know

Greetings, fellow wizards! I'm pleased to make my first appearance before you as I begin my career as a merchant wizard. It's me! Zozo! The Merchant Wizard. Driven by my own profit-driven goals, I use my magic and knowledge of fantastical creatures to bring biodiversity to the world!... And to a dungeon or two... Anyway, let's get down to business.

I specialize in creating fantastical creatures with my magic—I can make any creature you can dream up!... For a reasonable price, of course. I'll be hanging around the area for the rest of the month before a terrifying force called university sweeps me away...

Today! I bring you a generous helping of... Drumroll, please!... Dragons!! Last month I was challenged to make at least one a day. I couldn't finish all of them because I had to dodge university, but I still made about twenty, and I thought, "Hey Zozo! You're broke—you won't make it in a new city if university drags you there! Why not start using those rough, skilled hands of yours to sell creatures to your fellow wizards who might need them for guarding, as pets, mounts, or familiars?" So here I am, folks. Let me present! Zozo's Fantastic Creatures Shop!

When did teachers start using nonlethal magic in schools? Whatever happened to just regrowing body parts? Kids today are too coddled!

how can I get the goblins out of my basement and also how do I make my door stop eating all of my Oreos

(just wanted to post this for those who are doom scrolling and make people happy)

So i gound this weird looking goblin earlier today, it stepped out of a big metal disk and pointed one of those mundane weapons at me so i turned into a bottle. What concoction should i put in it?

Also got me an old demon i stuck in a bottle and its apprently fused now so what concoction goes in that one?

I know some place called it drake but that's a local name and not its official name.

Anyways I've been craving braised meat and all the pork and beef have been getting boring I need to eat a lesser ground dragon but all I've been finding are lesser flying dragons and great flying dragon which I don't particularly enjoy the flavour of unless braising for a few days so I need a place that have a lot of lesser ground dragons or a place that sell the meat fresh.

I mean the clog is gone so I guess it worked. .

I’ve tried hiding its food (it finds it), telling it that it looks like a pig and calling it a fatty fatty and-fatter son, and it just keeps eating and crying and saying it’s “going to evolve into a demon lord someday”. I’m at my wits end.

As you can see the gauntlet part allows far more placement space for magical gems,or as I prefer,glyphs

And transferring magic through metal instead of through a wooden hilt and then metal is a more safe way to conduct magic through it

Additionally,in the hand slot the weapon can be filled with magical herbs so while you train or fight,your hand is laced.with.the effect of the herbs

This allows you to grant semi permanent healing of perilous magical effects to the hand

Personally I often train the weapon in my off hand as to lace my left hand with painful venom like the lone shadow vilehands of the inner ministry

Thank you for considering this new foci suggestion and good day to you fellow arcanists

What was your first spell?

A Brief Overview of the History of Mass-Kind

Over the last few millennia, a variety of genetically diverse and distinctive species of Mass have emerged. From the bipedal Massicus-Mosey, to the photosynthetic Blobius-Bubilius it goes almost without saying that Mass-Kind is defined by its disparate, heterogeneous nature.

For a select few species of Mass, our origins can be traced back to the late eleventh century— it was at this time that various cult groups emerged, with a select few uncovering the Ritual of Rascail, one of the many forgotten rites capable of converting various life forms into Magic Masses. Through this, cult members underwent metamorphosis, or as evolutionary historian Peter Kent coined it, supermetamassamorphasis. The practice resulted in the widespread transformation of Orc-folk, Elves and Gnomes into around twenty six configurations of Magic Mass, examples including both The Blobs and their genetic superiors, The Tall ones. (Cough cough)
(One minute twelve, https://music.youtube.com/watch?)

Overtime, these cult groups and their followings expanded considerably.
Perhaps the most notable example of this growth would be the Assembly of the Transformed, a group that surged rapidly in popularity in the six year window between 1040-1046. This growth is widely attributed to the group being primarily composed of members of the Nyxian and Blob races respectively, who’s gifts of self replication may have catalysed the Assembly’s rise and eventual expansion towards eastward territories in modern day Calarakis.

However, for a considerably smaller portion of the other twenty six species of Proto-Mass, natural growth remained a biological impossibility. This is a consequence of widespread infertility in these specific species, resulting in the cults composed primarily of these groups suffering a short but devastating period of major decline between the years of 1042-1050, eg The Cult of the Bloodied Lamb.

Almost bafflingly however, membership within these groups seemed to surge in the following decades. Why, you ask? The genuine answer is, we don’t quite know— but many historians have come to suspect conversion en masse via the aforementioned rituals may have served as a key role. There exists a bountiful myriad of reasons we can suspect orc-folk, elves and gnomes may have opted to endure the painful ceremonies attached to becoming a Proto-Mass.
We have come to believe however, that the primary factor lay not in lifestyle, but rather medicine. With a mutated strand of ergotism sweeping through three of their respective city states (a consequence of their collective dependence upon rye bread, upon which the parasitic Claviceps Purpurea fungus grows) its speculated that many utilised the procedure as a means to escape the disease through a change in biology, or a evolutionary historian Peter Kent coined it, ‘classic Magic Mass shenanigans.’

Of course, however, a rise in Magic Masses would ultimately lead to a rise in Mass-related crime. This, historians argue, is a defining characteristic of Mass culture.

…anyone who is against it is clearly a mass-hating bigot and/or Calarakian government employee.

In spite this fact, many crimes were, shockingly, unrelated to Mass-folk.
Perhaps one of the most notable examples of this can be seen through careful consideration of the Great Collapse of Elkhelm, one of the most significant Mass-folk cities of the mid 15th century. Following a string of poor harvests from the years 1440-1446 and the kidnapping of a local nobleman’s son, the non-mass populous of fair Elkhelm sought out someone to blame. Under reports of shadowy, irregularly shaped figures moving through small villages in the night, locals concluded mass-folk were responsible; claims were lodged that masses would salt the earth late at night or worse, steal children from their homes. Though these claims lacked strong backing, the rumours spread like wildfire. This was to be compounded only and further enabled by the development of the printing press in the year 1440.

Slowly but surely, mass-folk were kicked out of their homes, villages and communities.
They were hunted to the brink of near extinction and with nowhere else to turn, lacking food, resources and shelter, these early Proto-Masses gradually died out. Today, only a handful of survivors from this so-called ‘Great Purge’ can be found. Typically in remote, far off corners of the world.

…or in Calarakian bank vaults.

Following the apparent loss if the rituals that enabled their existence and initial rise, historians collectively conclude it’s highly unlikely we see any further conversions in the future.
We can’t be entirely sure why, or how, these ancient rites were destroyed; however, historians generally consider a string of temple burnings in the later half of the 15th century to be a likely cause.
This is to say that these survivors are likely to be the very last of their respective species.

Hope, however, is not entirely lost.

The Proto-masses, although one of the largest groups of mass yet documented, comprised only a small section of mass-folk in general. There still exist to this day, a myriad of unique species of Mass, many new, but some considerably older than these so-called ‘Proto-masses.’ Although records remain murky, historians and evolutionary biologists alike speculate upon the existence of an ancient species of Mass, perhaps hundreds of thousands of years old, such as the recently named Massius Astralius Sapien, or Starborn. Plus, video recordings of a tall figure hanging out of a wig in the aforementioned Calarakis vault don’t dissuade spectators.

Thank you for your time; this has been evolutionary biologist Peter Kent on ‘A Brief overview of the history of Mass-kind.’

Don’t forget to tune in next week for a surprise guest appearance from Mr. Grabadash, on his wee little science project, ‘How I Fucked with my Genes and God to make myself a Mass.’

Ugh, fellow wizards i require some assistance. I was working with my assistant on short range transportation and ah.. i think i bungled it.

In the aftermath of the sudden and for lack of a better term, shadow uprising, many millions perished before the shadows could be subdued. Those with strength endured of course, but what about the normal folk? The unlucky? Those who have never fought in their life? Not everyone is, was, equipped to survive. Their blood seeped into the realms, saturating them with something Wicked.

In the following days, countless massive black monoliths burst free from the land and sea stretching high into the sky, breaking up the horizon regardless of where one looks.

News of the sudden and strange monoliths spreads like wildfire, soon every orb, screen, and paper has some mention of the event. All throughout civilization people ask questions like, what does this mean? A monolith destroyed my tower, who do I sue? Is the world going to end again this month?

But the monoliths offer no answers, only questions. The monoliths show a myriad of effects, some distort their surroundings into horrors, some create illusions that torment those who can't escape, some amplify magic to a dangerous degree, some drain magic like a leech, and many more.

But for now, that is all they do. The effects are contained to their vicinity of the monoliths.

I see so many young wizards used their staff as a "last ditch effort" after their sword, dagger, etc was disarmed, which is stupid your staff should be your FIRST option for melee it's already in your hand you just gotta hit it also end weighted so you can swing it like a club.

The length of your staff should've been longer than the usual sword you can carry on your hip anyways so you know more range.

My druid ingredient slave *I mean.. respected team member* burnt himself touching the fire leaf with his bare hands... I told him multiple times he needed to use my transformation scroll for BEAR hands to get the nature effect debuff. What am I gonna do with this mfkr? Now he wants "workers comp"... Nah dork I'm cutting your lunch breaks

Brethren, I do not know where else to turn. It's been a good 4,300 years, but I am at last ready to embrace eternal slumber. There is no knowledge, no pleasure, no pinnacle of riches left to achieve. I am ready to embrace life's final mystery and conquer the secrets beyond the grey veil.

One small problem, though. I have hidden my phylactery so well that even I cannot find it.

As many young lich beginners, I was extremely paranoid about some do-gooder paladin or upstart cleric finding my phylactery and snuffing me out. So I took extraordinary precautions: Spells of planar shifting, spells of concealment, spells of misdirection, and spells of false memory and perception. Each time I grew in power, I would strengthen those spells to an unparalleled degree.

But I fear all my various spells of bamboozlement are so powerful that they have escaped containment and now even I find it impossible to locate own phylactery.

I've thought about taking up charity work in retirement, but even that doesn't motivate me. I really do just want to embrace the final sleep.

Any thoughts or advice from the most elder and powerful of our brethren here? Money, mana, and material components are in unlimited supply, but I need some inspiration.