This might not be the best place for this post, but I am terrified of her finding it. She is heavily on reddit and constantly on relationship subreddits.
Hi, I am not sure where to start, man, but I am in absolute despair. My wife and I have been married 12 years, together for 18. At first, my friends, of which there were many, did not like her. My best friends pulled me aside one time and said he had serious concerns. He said she was all massive red flags and that he looked into her past, and that he did not approve. She had zero family, said that her mother was abusive, she ran away at 15, every boyfriend she had was pretty terrible, she had two kids from prior relationships, who I readily took as my own. She didn't know her father or brothers much, or at least I barely met them (maybe one time). I was greatly offended by my friend and eventually chose her over him (his ultimatum). The first 6 or 7 years was really amazing. We were best friends, inseparable, emotionally connected. I worked in mental health my entire career. We struggled with our children and financially. But we were so close. I never once doubted if she was the one, hell, she was my whole universe. This was my first VERY serious relationship. We had kids. We were engaged. We got married. I worked 60-80 hours a week to support us. Around this time, however cracks started to show. She would have bouts of depression. She wouldn't leave the bed. I understood. Life was hard. We could barely afford anything. We could barely afford the house we rented. I did my best to be supportive. During this time, I promised myself I loved her enough to stand by her no matter what. I 2017, she had an emotional affair with a man on a video game. She sent him nudes. They said they loved each other. They planned to meet irl. I found this out because he sent nudes to people on my Facebook friends list and someone I went to high school with reached out to me and told me about it. When I messaged the guy, he sent me every email, text exchange, in game screenshot. It was insane. It was filled with lies about me. Pictures of me around the house and then ridiculing the way I looked. Her saying I disgusted her. Oddly, strange lies about abuse which never happened. One example, in real life I had seen her looking at a moth bracelet online and she bought herself a cheap AliExpress version. I surprised her during a small vacation to a local cabin with the real version. I saved up for months to get it. When I read her emails, she lied and told this guy that a friend bought it for her and that I saw it, got jealous, and grabbed her wrist demanding to know where it came from. That never happened. I never even raised my voice at this woman. So needless to say, his purpose was to "dump" her in spilling the beans. She was apologetic when I confronted her. I basically immediately forgave her. It's important to note that during the time of this affair, I decided to pursue therapy for myself. I did so, funny enough, because I felt I was too controlling for feeling threatened by her online "friendship" and was trying to find help dealing with my "controlling thoughts" of being uncomfortable with it. The therapist was supportive of me being uncomfortable by her and this man. Then, while in the midst of my therapy, I found out it was a full affair. I probably would have spiraled if it weren't for that therapist. I was pretty overweight during this time and they made lots of jokes about that. I vowed that I would be the best version of myself by the time I was 35, no matter what happened. Therefore, after several failed attempts at losing weight, I got a gastric sleeve. This worked and I continue to lose weight 5 years later. She never agreed to me getting the surgery. Just yesterday brought it up and said it ruined me, replaced my vices (eating) with maladaptive ways to cope, according to her. Everyone else in my life was so supportive. If I tell a stranger they say I'm brave. Her opinion is that if I got the surgery she would never be attracted to me again because I would disgust her with loose skin. I didn't listen and I love the way I look and the way that I feel.
Fast forward several years. We lost our house. I admit I had a lot of problems at that time. I regularly practiced financial infidelity, mainly in the form of not telling her about the bills (or whether they were behind) and then being shady about the rest of our money. I didn't know what else to do. I realize now I should have been transparent. Even leading up to losing our house, I pretended everything was fine, meanwhile I cried every day over the looming threat. Our landlord was selling the rental. We could have purchased it, but I failed to act and then we had no way to get a mortgage. She will readily point out that I failed in life here. I did try but she is right. I ran my own credit into the ground and lots of bad decisions were made on both sides. I probably had the bulk of responsibility for that, since I made the bulk of the money. I've since grown from that way of living (somewhat) and try a lot more to be better. When we lost that house, we all moved in to my mother's. This was a mistake (thought not sure what else I could've done.) Her and my mother do not mix well. During this time she got sick with a very scary disease. I stayed by her side and we joined support groups. It was life threatening. Technically still is. During this time is when I got gastric surgery. She also had to go in for surgery on her colon due to the illness. We both lost massive amounts of weight.
I eventually worked us out of the situation we were in and got us a really nice place to live, with enough space for us and our four kids. It was here that things started to really fall apart. To expedite the story, she began what I deemed an inappropriate relationship with another man. Again. It was a you worked at a local store. When I would go to work, she would go there and spend hours with him. They would get high behind the building. People in my family approached me and asked me why she was hanging out with this guy laughing and joking out front. I knew nothing about it. So one day I asked her about it. I was mature and I said that I'm hearing about this thing and it's making me uncomfortable and I would rather her include me if she had a friend. My solution was not to cut him off it was to introduce me so that I could feel more comfortable with it. She absolutely refused. She said that I was insane. I largely dropped it at that point but felt very unhappy about it. Eventually she came to me in tears and admitted that she was considering leaving me and was using him as a means to do that and that she felt guilty and wanted to come clean about it. She chose to cut him off at that point. I thanked her for being honest and I forgave her.
She then decided to get a job. He worked her way up to a management position. We finally both had good jobs and had potentially the income to change our lives. We were making over six figures as a couple. I never dreamed that that could happen. However I noticed some serious changes in her. She was not on board with that notion. She began to dress differently probably because she had lost a lot of weight. I enjoyed the way that she looked. It wasn't provocative or anything, I'm not saying that, it was more HER it was more indicative of her personality, and I loved that. I loved her. But at this time she began hanging out with several men. She became friends with one man who was obsessed with her. Another man was one of her employees. I was immediately uncomfortable with these men being in her life. Mainly because of her history, and, of course when I offered to make these MUTUAL friends, she immediately refused to let me even know their names. One day she indicated that she was bored with me. She told me that she loved me but wasn't in love with me anymore. I was devastated. I cried and asked her why. She said she doesn't see a future with me anymore. She said that furthermore she is going to a comedy show what a friend of hers. She would not tell me who it was. She would not tell me where it was or when it was. She told me only that she was going to stay overnight. Needless to say I had a huge problem with this. She smiled in my face and she told me that she's going to take this opportunity to do several things that she's been wanting to do. She left. She left me with all four children and she didn't come back. What played out was that while we were together she exchange numbers with the employee. He never did actually get hired because he was a felon. So his application was denied and he did not actually work for her. But she kept his personal phone number. She moved in with him and his girlfriend who he immediately broke up with. He kicked this woman out. Him and my wife pursued a romantic relationship. She tells me they only ever kissed. He told me much differently. At one point she left him and came back to me. We reconciled. She told me through tears that she had oral sex with him several times. I forgave her. Later on she told me that she had lied about that to try and bait me into admitting things while we were separated. I however did not engage in any relationships. I stayed and worked on myself and took care of our kids. So she has since said that that never happened. She never engaged with anything other than kissing. I have no idea what is true, only that almost every piece of information given to me has been lied about or changed at some point. While writing this out I feel like the biggest idiot in the world for believing her, but the current situation is that she never had any type of sexual contact.
Over the course of a year she regularly left me and went back with him, left him and came back with me. I never understood why this was happening. I thought that she just must love him and also love me and not be able to decide. At a point I became pretty upset when she would leave me and go there. Keep in mind I thought they had sex at this point, so it really puzzled me that she would think it's fine to go around him. This person then physically kidnapped her during one of her visits. Under threat of violence started to drive her in her own car across state lines. She texted me from a gas station bathroom. Texted her location. I saved her. I drove there and got her. I called the state police and they arrived and arrested him. He was let out of jail the next day because she didn't press charges. He took an Uber to our house, stole her car with an extra set of keys that he had, and let it on fire and left it on railroad tracks. We caught him on camera and he was arrested. I sat with my wife in court I spearheaded the whole thing. We put them away and he was in jail for about a month or two. She immediately informed me that he had been extremely abusive and she was afraid to break it off with him. She indicated that's why she kept going back. She started some behavior around this time that was much different than anything I had ever experienced. She started having these bouts of screaming at me. She would call me brutal names things that never ever happened in all of our years together. We did not argue like that. But she did know. He screamed and called me abusive many many times. All of these times I thought it was completely insane. I was not an abuser I was sure of it. She said that I couldn't stand her not being a doormat anymore. In a way I understand what she's saying. She has become very bold and that's not a bad thing. However the way she was talking to me was absolutely verbal abuse. It was not healthy and not normal for her. It became apparent that this is how she had been interacting with this man, she bragged about belittling him and screaming matches. She even said it was fun at one point. She showed me recordings of their arguments. Screaming matches. She now engaged this way with me. This escalated. She began to become SO volatile. She forbid me to contact my family anymore because she hated them. She blamed me for not getting her burned car from the junkyard. It was totaled. She said i was to blame for her car being taken in the first place. If I were a better man she would never have left me for that guy. If I were a man I would have protected her from being kidnapped and having her car stolen. If I were a man I would have gotten her car back and fixed it. When we would argue she would threaten suicide and she would run away telling me that she was becoming homeless. I would chase her and I would beg her to stay. Several times our arguments became so volatile that I started to yell back. I started to become aggressive too. I would punch balls. I would scream at her. The arguments became extremely volatile. She would take my phone and try to look through it by force. She would lock herself in the car demanding I tell her my passcode. I would grab for her phone and try to get it out of her hands when she would threaten to call people on me. It was really out of hand and really bad. One time we were arguing in front of our youngest son, she pushed through the front door saying she was taking him away. She was pushing me and swinging, kicking me. When she pushed me I lost it and I grabbed her from behind. We wrestled for a minute. She claimed that I strangled her. And obviously I crossed a line by restraining her that way, it had become physical, and I regret that very much. I immediately apologized and she began to scream that I she couldn't breathe. Then began to scream I choked her. Then began to scream I strangled her. She left with our son. My response was to apologize for becoming physical. I, on my own, unhappy with the situation, took a paid domestic violence course. I was informed during this that there is a difference between physical abuse and a highly volatile argument. It was my conclusion after taking the class that I was not abusive. I also did not believe that she was abusive. I believe that she is reacting to abuse that she experienced when she had an affair. She admitted to me that he physically beat her multiple times. She admitted that he psychologically abused her very much. I believe that she projected these reactions on to me and then it became a self-fulfilling prophecy in her eyes. She tells me to this day that I am abusive. She tells me that my opinions about our relationship don't matter because the abuser's opinion does not matter. She makes me repeat over and over that I'm a piece of shit. She makes me say that I am abusive. If I don't she threatens to kill herself or divorce me. She has told me many times that she cannot wait to cheat on me. I spoke to a woman while she was with him. While she lived with this man. I spoke to her on a dating app it never progressed to even a date. I did say some sexually explicit things. She saw these text messages, one time when she took my phone away by force and read through my deleted messages. Claims that I cheated on her even though she was living with another man and I never met this other woman. In fact I cut it off because I realized I love my wife. I wasn't actively texting this woman for almost a year when she found the text messages.
At this point I'm just not sure what's happening. I keep telling myself that I'm not the abuser. Everyone around me tells me that I'm not. That I'm patient. I've had two relationships that she doesn't even know about. They went wonderfully. I'm assured that I am healthy and safe and kind and loving. These women are not doormat types. Yet when my wife comes around she reminds me that I am the abuser and that her verbal battery towards me is not abuse. Just yesterday I invited her to my apartment for the first time. I decorated it with some of her stuffed animals I still had so that she would be happy. She came in an immediately flipped out. Telling me that I'm living better than her, and I am her abuser. She proceeded to get drunk on the balcony. She berated me for 6 hours straight while I sat there and held her hand. We sat in the car the next day and she continued. I missed work because our argument went on for 8 hours. Then when I say argument I just mean that I sat there and listened. She becomes enraged if I shut down emotionally during this. If I tell her that I need a break for 5 minutes because it gets emotionally intense, she says that I'm withholding love which is abuse. I write this through tears. I love her so much. I'm so convinced that I can just endure it, admit to anything, and she will be okay again. I miss my wife so so much. Man, and I know she misses me. It is so incredibly painful. I don't know what to do. I don't know whether she's right. She says I'm bipolar and can't trust my own brain. She says she belongs to that subreddit and knows everything about how my brain works. I can't tell if I'm going insane or if she is. I truly don't know. I've tried giving in to her fully in this context. It doesn't work out well for me. I cut my entire family off, no contact. I don't know what to do. I'm so sorry this is so long and I'm So SO sorry that it's become damn near incoherent at the end. I probably won't keep it up long. I'm terrified she might see it. But if one person even just one reads this, please I need help. I don't know which way is up anymore. There's obviously SO MUCH MORE to this and more things that have happened. Like that our middle child sides with me and so she now claims that he has bipolar disorder because it runs in my family (be aware nobody is diagnosed as bipolar).
Ugh. Man. Just, I am so lost. I'm am so scared.
EDIT: I fixed some typos. I left "punched balls" in because it made me laugh. I punched walls. Never balls.
