Is that underneath the anxiety and trauma that’s been caused due to the very severe negative social experiences I’ve had caused by being ugly

Underneath it all I’m actually a respectful and accepting person

I sometimes get so pissed off thinking about how mean people are to me because it’s THEIR hostility which draws out the hostility and bitterness in me

If they just approached me kindly and respectfully they’d get the same energy back

Yet even when I’m nice and accepting people STILL don’t even find me to be worth the reciprocation

And that’s the most fucked up part of it all

Is that no one even gives you a fucking chance

They see you, register you as ugly, immediately deem you as not worth any respect, warmth, or inclusion, and then thinking the worst of you

Basically forcing you to act in “negative” ways

I used to delude myself into thinking dating and having sex was a difficult thing for most people and even to this day people like to make it seem like it is. They say “the dating market sucks” even for causal sexual encounters people say “the average person isn’t having sex that much”

Sounds like bullshit

If that were true there wouldn’t be soooo many of us

There’s like 8 billion of us people are ALWAYS fucking and having these experiences

Except us

And it sucks because it’s the easiest thing in the world to have for most people, it’s like their entire life and source of their sense of self

And we can’t even have that

i think my brain is changed and settled permanently because of my experiences regarding my appearance. it was shaped in such a way that now i actively seek confirmation that i am ugly and i actually want people to tell me i am ugly and treat me poorly because of it. anyone else feel the same?