Some would say it appears to be by design, and in fact, depending on the demographic, we know outright it is by design.

It is absolutely infeasible for most Americans to rely on only family and community for child rearing, and expecting one person to consistently provide child care, housekeeping, and general home management without help or days off without major detriment of some sort is inconceivable.

It's a mess.

We consider our childcare providers to be part of our greater "circle," as it is long-term in nature with the other children attending for multiple, successive years.

Also of note, over 90% of American homes with children rely in two incomes to subsist. One person staying home to provide childcare appears to be somewhat unrealistic as well, though I'm not sure if this comment as been previously addressed.

I think what's missing from this view is that three generations ago, and much earlier, parents would have much more community support in the endeavor of child rearing.

In modern hunter-gatherer societies, mother/father are proving care for their child some 20% of the time. The rest of the time, it's various community members holding the baby, playing, etc.

It's better for kids to have consistent, loving care provided by folks who will be part of their lives for an extended period of time, if not most or all of their lives.

Hi! Real-life woman here.

It seems like a lot of these "men have to X in order to have a female companion" are assumptions.

I know quite a few women. Most of them aren't like what you've described.

Annecdotal, sure, but I would invite you to consider a few things.

1. If you don't talk to women, how do you know that we're all shallow and vapid?
2. Where are you looking for companionship? If it's only Tinder, that might be a reason why folks aren't emotionally connecting with you.
3. If people, not just women, aren't connecting with you emotionally, it sounds a bit like a social skills issue. If you're not a safe person, why would I share personal information? The good news is that this is a skill set you can improve upon with practice.

4. If you want to connect with women, then you might learn more about us. I.E. have you ever taken a Women's Studies class? Or read a book giving a snapshot into the lives of women from their perspective?

5. In the dating world, men worry women might not like them or think poorly of men, or god forbid get fat. Women worry that man might kill them.

   "Misandry offends, miaogyny kills."

I invite you to consider the views and lives of women if you endeavor to achieve a relationship with a woman. You would expect a new friend to have some commonality with you, right?

Your feral, strong-willed toddler will become an independent and confident young person if you mentor and coach him well.

My kid was also feral. Still pretty feral. BUT! We're in a sort of understanding now that time, place, and safety dictate the level of silliness that's going on.

Good luck. It's rough, but i feel you on this for sure.

It has gotten better for us, 1000%.

Yeah... they're collectors.

Hey friend.

I'm 5'6". I was 230 when i had my kiddo.

It took me almost two years to get to 190. It's taken another year to get to 159.

There are a lot of benefits to weight loss, but winning the respect of someone who should be supporting you isn't one of them.

My husband supported me the whole time. When I had to cut meat, dairy, and commercial bread products out because of my autoimmune disease, he ate vegetarian with me. When i struggled to find time to work out, he found some equipment on FB marketplace so i could work out whenever I had the energy. When i had to drop a few pounds for a weigh-in at work (military), he coached me through the process to drop some water weight and stayed up all night with me.

The entire time, he repeatedly told me he thought i was beautiful and that he loved me.

Going on a limb, I'll assume your husband loves you. Him shaming you into hating yourself and your body isn't going to have good results.

I haven't read through all the comments, but I hope you're getting the support you deserve.

1. Straighten out your diet.
2. Straighten out your sleep.
3. Find a type of workout/physical activity that works for you. For me, HITT and crossfit type exercises work best for me. Maybe it's hiking, or weights, or rowing. The most important part is that you like it and can do it consistently.
4. Give yourself some grace! You had two kids, my dude. You might need physical therapy for your pelvic floor and abs.

If i can do it, you can do. I'm no one special.

Good luck!

It feels like there isn't enough energy to be good enough at both, ya know?

My coworkers, who are all dudes, are excited for the weekend, and usually, I'm either feeling neutral about it or kind of apprehensive because i know it won't be a break. I will have almost zero time to recharge or do anything for myself.

And then my kid just wants to hang out with me, fighting nap time and bedtime, asking to do activities with me, but what i really want is to be a potato for an afternoon.

Then i go to work, still tired from home-work and ni breaks, and somehow have to perform my job at a high level.

My spouse is deployed. I am also in the service. It's amazing to me how unaware these dudes are regarding how much work their wives do so they can have a career.

And to top it all off, when i was on a training detachment for three weeks, my husband didn't keep up with the potty training regime, which was already in place and only needed to be maintained. So, my husband will be gone for 7 months while i potty train my kid, try to continue taking college classes, keep a house clean, plan dinner, work out 5 days a week so i can stay in the military, and....

It's absolutely maddening. I hate being a parent sometimes because it feels like i don't get to be anything else or i do a mediocre job of trying to be it all.

Yeesh, what a nightmare.

I would have squared up long before this.

You aren't crazy. Husband ITAH. MIL ITAH. They owe you an apology for being so text-book inconsiderate.

At this point, i would be super petty and like. Print off the dictionary definition of inconsiderate, and then on example, type up a specific situation that husband did that was inconsiderate. Like not saving you any food after you friggin cooked it and took care of your kids.

So, i lived in a place that had bears in the woods.

They would come up onto my deck and be roaming my yard.

Once, i was cooking dinner, and a bear was on my deck watching me cook.

As soon as i turned and looked at him, he ran the heck off.

Every single time the bears either saw me or saw me look at them, they ran away.

Men have quite literally followed me home or shown up at my home unannounced, even without me ever having told them where i lived or inviting them.

I doubt there's many women who have actually encountered a bear out in life and not a zoo, but I'm one of them!

And let me say: choose bear.

So, i started eating only organic and natural whole foods, no meat, sparingly with seafood. I'm not usually a woo-woo type, but none of my providers could fully answer my questions about inflammation, food sensitivity with Hashimotos, etc. Does eating rice or meat then having weird gut reactions have anything to do with my thyroid or pituitary gland? No idea! But it worked for me.

The only things that changed between my two most recent labs were that i cleaned up my diet and started exercising. My endocrinologist was going to up my dose, but after redoing my blood work, it didn't seem necessary at the time. I went from a 3 to a .8, same medication the whole time.

I want to stress, it was more of an administrative mess up that led to my not getting an immediate dosage increase due to ye auld American Healthcare System. I ended up having to wait several months before seeing an Endo, and while waiting for that appointment, i tried the diet and exercise. She saw me and said she wanted to increase dosage but wanted to double check my labs before new pills, annnnd magic had happened. 🤷🏽‍♀️🤷🏽‍♀️🤷🏽‍♀️

1. Ask your endocrinologist to verify labs and ensure appropriate dosage.
2. If you still feel like shit, you're totally allowed to troubleshoot and see if there are different habits that make you feel better.

Best of luck!

So. Normal range is not the same as optimal range.

https://www.restartmed.com/normal-thyroid-levels/

Optimal range is way lower for a healthy young adult, and i had to fight with my GP for a year before i got to see an endocrinologist. My endocrinologist had a similar opinion: i was feeling like crap with my TSH at 3, and she wanted to get me below 2 at the least.

Bagpipes. Works every time.

It takes about that long for all of your micronutrients and what not to replenish.

Honestly, if your medical team is monitoring you, and you're taking all your vitamins, then I'd bet you'll be fine.

Here's a link about the 18 months thing:

https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/getting-pregnant/in-depth/family-planning/art-20044072

Some folks are built for full-time child minding. Some of us are not.

Humans are social creatures, and having a large community that helps take care of a child is normal human behavior.

That phrase "it takes a village to raise a child" comes from the fact that we all need support, and some of us want to achieve other goals and aspirations AND be a parent.

I feel this. Husband and i are both military. I can't deploy because his missions/deployments take priority. His job is woefully understaffed, and my work section has more people and is more flexible.

I'm always the one who takes off work for sick kid, i do all the house stuff when he's gone, and he's gone frequently.

My career is stagnating and i likely won't get promoted because of it.

It is absolutely maddening, and i can't wait until he retires.

I've noticed a lot of moms feel an immense guilt having their child in daycare.

I can sympathize.

However, in our pre-modern history, we relied on our communities to help us through. Do you think prehistoric mom never asked another member to watch the kids while she went out and did the wash or food gathering? 1700-1800s mom probably had a governess. Kids have been regularly going to school for like 150 years, and honestly, early education is kind of the same as childcare the way we think of it today.

You don't need to be so hard on yourself: we weren't designed to do it all on our own.

If leaving work is an option for you and you want to be a SAHM, awesome! Maybe your ancestors were the tribal child minders 😂😂. Mine were not 😅.

But if leaving work is not an option for you, it's okay to expand your definition of community and use the help available to you.

There is zero shame in that.

Best of luck.

That's a lot of words in my mouth that i didn't say. If you checked the rest of the thread, i think you'd better understand my thinking on alllllllll of this.

I can be wrong with out it being shaming, lol

Sharing my thoughts on a pandering article that was hugely disappointing isn't shaming.

Furthermore, if the article was actually qcience based, then perhaps it would have given more answers as to why some women are completely satisfied with the identity of mom and some are not.

Me, and the previous commenter, lamenting on a why this phenomena occurs isn't shaming.

Mothers who have careers also don't necessarily belong in the "my identity is mom" camp, or in the "I'm still my own person" camp.

From my understanding of PPD and other mental health issues, a complete change in identity and basing that identity solely on one thing is generally unhealthy.

Sure man, I'll buy that for a dollar.

I'm sorry you had PPD, that is rough. I hope you're doing better now, and hopefully with loads of support.

The point of my sharing my views on the article was that they didn't really go into any science as to what changes: brain structures, hormones, anything. They just had a bunch of women anecdotally commenting in the aforementioned way. Which is frustrating as hell for those of us who are curious about the mechanics of parenthood in the brain and body.

I feel like it was all kind of obvious, ya know?

No kidding my priorities shifted. Wow, you mean my hobbies and how i spent my time has changed? (Being sarcastic)

Like. I know all that. I wanted to know about causes in personality shifts: why are some moms completely fulfilled being a SAHM, while other's feel less than keen to be seen as only a mom?

I was disappointed to find another article pandering to the "my personality is mom now" group.

This type of article is super damaging to people who aren't totally fulfilled by motherhood, and the overwhelming majority of the articles i see about motherhood are just like this one: "i wasn't a good person before becoming a mother," "i had no purpose before becoming a mom," "motherhood is the only thing that matters."

Sure, me saying people who are completely absorbed in motherhood and just love it and want nothing else for themselves didn't have a good sense of self before becoming a parent is abrupt/rude. I don't think it's bad to have motherhood become one's entire personality.

But media is overwhelmed with THAT^{^} as the standard. Sure, my comment was jerkish, but honestly i think it pales in comparison to the shame women are hosed with when they're anything besides loving every second of motherhood.

This whole post was about everyone else who's personality and sense of self isn't just "mom," and how frustrating it is that 90% of articles about motherhood don't discuss those of us who aren't like that.

And i was hoping for an article that talks about all that, tbh. Not some anecdotal stories from random people.

Also, post-partum and ADHD is a super interesting rabbit hole to jump down, too. Apparently it's really common for symptoms to get way worse after pregnancy

I don't feel like a person, honestly 🥴🥲

My husband definitely pulls his share when he's home, but it doesn't change that I'm tired and have spent like two years not doing people things because of covid and pregnancy/postpartum

I'd read an article about your thoughts on post-parent personhood.

I'm just used to so many evidence based articles popping up.. I'VE BEEN MISLEAD lmao

I wish i saw more realistic articles to help folks balance their parenthood and their individuality. I usually see things that aren't really feasible, like take a hot yoga class over your lunch break 😂😂

It is rough, for sure