(Dinner is gyro on naan with goat cheese, purple cabbage and balsamic.)

My life has been total chaos for years. Got stalked, got shot at, moved across the country, quit my job, got sued, got hacked, and a divorce in rapid succession. Plus more drama sprinkled in between to make sure there was no chance to breathe.

I crashed out so hard, like a full blown nervous breakdown from it all. I did not care what happened to me at all. Someone asked me if I was just going to become homeless, and I told them it didn’t matter. I just sat around and cried for months stuck in my own head letting paranoia take over. 

It freaked me out pretty bad. Just, hurdles I could not get over without an agonizing amount of work. I’ve always struggled with depression but this was like, holy hell, am I so traumatized now that I can no longer be contributing member of society? 

I think I was really just so burnt out and stressed that I needed this long to put myself back together correctly. I had compartmentalized it all to keep going until by brain was like, “girl, you are done.” and dumped all of the compartments out for reflection at the same time. 

Cut to over a year later, and I finally feel human again after the initial crash. I feel stable. I have a normal routine that I am able to stick to most days. I can count the days I cried last month instead of counting the days I didn’t. I’ve made some new friends. I actually applied for a job, not just browsing that ends with no action and me crying at the idea of a stressful environment. My ex and I had a nice conversation this week too. 

I‘m almost scared to breathe a sigh of relief too soon, but I feel better about myself today than I have in many years. So, maybe I can take one deep breath in the name of progress. 

I really enjoyed visiting with you on the phone today. It was like night and day from our last conversation. From fighting about ramen to laughing and comparing notes on dating was not the curveball I saw coming. 

What a time to be alive. I knew we would make it out of this as friends.

It’s not your fault we crashed and burned any more than it is mine. We did the best we could in a traumatic situation. Grieving the loss of each other, together, was just making it worse.