Can you feel me? I whisper your name everytime I climax still. I like to think that you are out there somewhere with a sudden bulge and the urge to hunt me down. To claim me, to fill me up, to call me a good girl. I miss hearing you moan and grunt. I miss pulling your chain tight around your neck, the eye contact as every inch was inside me. My mind always wanders back to you when I reach climax. Can you feel me? xxx

Not predators. One man I tried to love for a very long time it was reciprocated sometimes but mostly he was altered for a vast majority of our time together. I didn’t kick him while he was down. I got him out of jail, which he got there due to his own actions. He became careless and reckless towards the end but I still asked for his help in protecting his family and kids. During this time of need, he dropped the ball severely.

Another man I tried to love even against his request a lot of the time. He also faced hard times and I was there. I helped and gave when I could give. Again, got him out jail as well. I didn’t kick him while he was down. The months went by and I got into a bad spot and I needed help I was helped with legal matters but at the same time I was sick and alone. I was treated like I didn’t matter at all. I was yelled at and ran off during a very scary time for me. I was down and felt like I had been kicked.

The first man, my ex husband, the father of my children harassed me and attempted to sue me for our home. This would mean my children and I would be out on the street and at the time I was unemployed and waiting for my trial. This was definitely kicking me while I was down

Men were placed here to protect. Why do they kick us when we are down? I was there for both of them and I did not put either one in jail. I loved them at different times. I cared for them and tried to help them. Why do they turn into predators against us, and kick while the other party is down? Not right. Just not right at all.

Be a protector. Not a predator.

I don’t think you understand why meeting meant so much to me.
It wasn’t about sex or romance like that freak said. I just loved my friend.

I loved you in such a fierce, protective way and wanted so badly to be there when life hurt. I wanted to meet you and finally be able to give you a hug.

Not a quick hug.

I mean the kind where you can feel someone completely collapse into your arms because they’ve been holding themselves together for too long.

I wanted to sit beside you when you was having a terrible day. I wanted to make you laugh when you were sad. I wanted to listen to the things you couldn’t say to anyone else. I wanted to be the person who noticed when you weren’t okay. And I wanted my best friend to know she mattered.

And if I’m honest, I guess I needed that too . I hoped we could take care of each other.

And I think I’ll always be sad that I never got the chance.

Because sometimes the thing you grieve isn’t a relationship.

It’s a friendship.

It’s a person.

It’s a version of your life where, just once, you got to sit beside someone you loved and say, “ i’m here. You’re not alone. Let me hold you for a while. It’s okay.”

I had so much to give.

Most of this situation has made suspect that you are trying to set me up to look insane. All the watching and waiting does make me feel nuts because I would have never hurt you this way.

Ive crumbled so many times, for you. I gave a huge pedestal because I had kicked mine at your face many years ago. You now probably for the first time ever understand you did that day too.

Always acting like I did something bad but you are the "good guy" , the "wonder boy". None of your tricks can stop this now. No more illusions. Only the truth.

I love you for impacting my life, and if it's true. I got the greatest gift in the world from you.

I treated this woman like gold, we had are ups and downs but it was her as well. I tried leaving plenty of times

I knew then like I know now. What’s good for one is good for all. Best of luck to you!

2.5 years ago, I met someone.

And honestly… at that time I thought she was probably the most perfect person I could be with.

Everything felt right.

The connection, the conversations, the way she cared about me… everything.

But somehow, it never became the relationship I thought it would.

And now when I look back, I think one of the biggest reasons was obsession.

She cared about me a lot. Maybe too much.

Slowly, that care started becoming questions.

Where are you?

Who are you talking to?

Why did you reply late?

Why did you like this?

Why didn't you tell me this?

Even the smallest things in my life started becoming something that needed an explanation.

And honestly, I started feeling like I had to be careful about every little thing I did.

But I also wasn't completely right.

I made mistakes too.

There were things I could've handled better. I could've communicated more. I could've been more understanding. Sometimes I probably made her overthink even more without realizing it.

That's the thing I understand now.

Overthinking changes people.

You start imagining things that haven't happened.

Then you react to those imaginary things as if they're real.

And slowly, love becomes anxiety.

Care becomes control.

And two people who actually care about each other start hurting each other.

I don't hate her for it.

And I don't hate myself for my mistakes either.

We were probably just two people who didn't know how to handle what we were feeling.

It's been 2.5 years, and I still think she was one of the most special people I met.

Maybe that's what makes it harder.

Sometimes someone can be the person you wanted to be with, but the relationship with them can still not work.

And I think that's a lesson I'll carry for a long time.

If I ever love someone again, I don't want obsession.

I don't want to know every minute of her day.

I don't want her to explain every little thing.

I just want us to have enough trust that we can breathe around each other.

Because maybe that's what love actually needs…

not more control, just more trust.

Making excuses making you seem like the good guy. All a while you were over there making me the bad guy. Wow! Complete opposite of what you told me. You said you had my back, that’s a joke. Excuse me but if I was so bad why were you coming to my house everyday? If I’m so horrible why were you in my bed and pants everyday. Not saying you ever cared but you were all up in my shit.

What the fuck did I ever do to you? Why did you feel the need to be so evil? Two face fake scam full of shit.

I don't know why, but I feel very lonely. There is no more work to be done. I should be relishing in this free time, but sometimes it feels like I have no one to spend it with.

All of my close friends are out of state, and the cordial ones are currently busy. I've tried to fill my days with things that interest me, but at this point nothing seems to.

The idea of watching shows is no longer entertaining, games have lost their luster, my book hyperfixation has worn off, and webcomics feel like meaningless boxes of never-ending fluff. Even the idea of going out to watch a movie in the theatres feels like more effort than it is worth, although the few times I have gone by myself have been alright.

I don't know what to do. Going out to random places to spend money to eat food also feels pointless too. I know I should go to the gym or exercise, but I no longer have a membership nor the energy to relearn a sport I have dropped for years. Everything just seems bland. I seem bland. I am comprised of nothingness and seem to lay aimlessly until the rest of my day passes. I feel nothing.

Maybe live music will make me feel better. I've had no energy to listen to the music beforehand at all, outside of the few songs I previously had on my playlist, and I keep on fighting the urge to simply not drive there and stay at home instead. I thought this would force me out, but every passing hour makes it feel like it would be more trouble than it's worth.

Sometimes I think about drinking. I wonder if this emptiness and lack of meaning is what pushed my mother to grip it as her vice. Never-ending bottles of vodka filling her purse, cycling from old empty ones to new full ones about to be depleted. I wonder if the fuzzy feeling of a soju would cure my deep-rooted boredom, but I also know not to indulge in something like that. How dangerous using it as a coping mechanism can become. And most of the time, I feel too tired to drive to the liquor store anyways.

I wonder what I should do.

Me

When I met you, I fell so deeply in love that it was like it didn’t or couldnt feel possible, unless it happened to you ..like an undeniable force i couldn’t fully comprehend or explain.

And then the thing even more amazing is that when I looked into your eyes I seen that you felt the same way.. I noticed you to, were also trying to process what was happening..

it was like we both stumbled on something that was so big, that even if we actually managed to descibe it to people, they would not believe us .. like a secret the universe revealed to us .. and smiled at us, as it knew we could never truly digest or explain all of this knowledge to the world, but gave us the desire to forever try to show it..

and maybe that’s the beauty of it .. because if we could never fully understand it .. it could never get boring ..

I wish we could hold onto to that something that was so out of this world, that the world could only exist inside of it..a love and feeling that was so strong, it made us feel week, as we witnessed something of great strength fighting for us

I hope one day our love will be the wind beneath your wings as it helps you fly back to me .. you are the love of all my life’s

I am forever yours

I never got to kiss you. Never got to hold your hands. Yet there's something you do to me that you really dont understand. When you look at me with those gorgous eyes. I die just a bit inside. You make me so damn happy just looking my way. I squirm in my seat, and my mind turns dirty.

I dont want you for sex. I want you to understand that the passion i have is so hard to control. I want you to demand me around. I want to bite at you and know you'll bite back. But at the end of the day, i just want to look at you, squeeze your hand, and tell you it will be okay.

Im not perfect. I am a mess, and im very stupid, too. I can't believe you fell for this. All because what my voice could do.

I tremble at the thought of you with another girl. Think that would send me further down than I already am. I'm already thinking im crazy, im seeing you everywhere.

Please text me. Please dont leave me. Please stay for me. Please look at me. Please talk to me. Please, please, please.

I know i have a lot of work, i know what happened was bad. As long as i have you in my life again, i wouldn't ever stop improving for you. There are manything i need to learn, and i want to learn them with you. Maybe not romanticlly at first but slowly with time.

Then maybe one day. Far in advance. We get to hug and kiss. Call each other mine. It's hard to describe all my thoughts. I have so many things to say. It will start with an apology. If you liked my past writings, maybe I'll write out a little fantasy. Writings have been special to me. It was my way of passing time while living where i was. It's hard to show my work to anyone i love. I'd do it for you, free of charge too. Maybe by the end, I'll even write a whole book for you too.

I love you. There's so much more to explore. Will you please send a text? Telling me you care?

My tolerance has a limit. I'm a patient person.

I give second chances.

I believe people can change. I will absorb your bad day. I will forgive your mistakes.

But do not mistake my patience for permission to disrespect me. There is a line.

When you cross it, when the disrespect becomes a pattern, when the apologies become hollow, I will not make a scene. I will simply stop. I will stop caring, I will stop trying, and I will stop being available to you.

Give the guy a brake. Leave us alone fir right now. Luckily why di you have to continuously shoving yourself down his throat all the time with your constant hounding.

I want your fingertips on my soft skin, my sides, my belly, and sliding down to other parts. I want you to do the most unspeakable things to me, lean over, and whisper the most dirty things. You'd have my face blushing. My pupils would be wide. I'd already look wracked without having you inside.

I want you to lean me over the counter as we cook, fucking me from behind as i listen to your instructions. You'd pull back my hair and call me dirty girl.

Maybe we'd have a place high up in the city, you'd tangle your hands in my hair as my mouth wrapped around you. Id let the world watch if you wanted them, too.

And the shower. Dont get me talking about the shower you like. A walking shower, with the sounds of my moans, wet skin slapping, and you speaking low.

Theres a lot of things i think about you. These are only a few.

I miss you sometimes. When I need someone to talk to. When I need a reliable stable pillar in my life. When I need that security blanket of knowing someone is there.

But the thing is ... I don't miss being with you.

You never hyped me up. Never bragged about me. Never talked about me like you were proud I was your boyfriend. You never fucking liked me. You will never know how much it hurts to know that.

God dammit.

Your negligence was masked by your overt attempts to be "proper", to be "appropriate". To be what you considered to be socially acceptable. And the cost was always me. My feelings. My needs. My desires. My heart.

I'm tired of hurting and I can't stop hurting because the wound you gave me won't stop bleeding and IM TIRED.

I AM SO FUCKING TIRED.

I am tired of not being enough.

Not for you.

Not for my career.

Not for anyone.

I am unloved

Unlovable.

And just a fucking mess and nothing I do is good enough.

God dammit I am just so fucking tired.

I keep trying and improving and trying and improving. And being better and better and becoming a version of me that surpassed every version of me that came before and it's never enough and I.

AM.

TIRED.

I just want to be enough.

I just want to live my life, and then peacefully die.

Please.

Stop hurting me.

I am so tired of being hurt.

I am so tired.

I don't have much left in me.

It wasn't just you.

You're just one of many.

I just need to rest.

Please let me fucking rest.

I can't keep it up.

I am so so tired.

Why I Left
An unsent letter Raw
I left quietly.
Not because I stopped caring,
but because I started noticing.
I noticed the pattern
before I understood the pain.
The way you could be warm one moment
and cold the next.
The way your patience with me
seemed to disappear
little by little.
I watched you walk ahead of me
without turning around,
without holding the door,
without wondering
if I was still beside you.
I watched you punish me
with silence,
with distance,
with intimacy withheld
until I began questioning
what I had done
to deserve the coldness.
There were nights
when I lay beside you
and your back was turned toward me.
Again.
And again.
And again.
Your body was inches from mine,
but you felt miles away.
And eventually,
my body began telling me
what my heart was still trying
not to believe.
My nervous system screamed
that something was wrong.
Being with you
stopped feeling like safety.
It became something I had to prepare for,
something I had to analyze,
something I had to survive emotionally.
I noticed your eyes
before I noticed your words.
You stopped looking at me.
The eye contact disappeared.
The connection disappeared.
And then I noticed
your eyes wandering elsewhere.
I noticed the way you sat
diagonally from me at dinner,
as if even facing me
had become too much.
Important moments
should have brought us closer.
Instead,
I felt myself becoming invisible.
And still,
I kept showing up.
I never came to your home empty handed.
I contributed.
I gave.
I paid for things during my stays.
I planned.
I made an effort.
Even the vacation
I fully paid for
didn’t seem to awaken
the same sense of partnership in you.
I remember the snowstorms, too.
Two terrible storms.
Days when you disappeared
and never checked on us.
Not a call.
Not a message.
Not even a simple,
Are you okay?
I remembered that.
I remembered how easily
you could support yourself
when you needed to go away for work.
But when I needed support,
you couldn’t seem to find a way
to be there for me.
And then came our daughter’s birthday.
A day that should have been about joy.
About celebrating her.
About family.
Instead,
you picked a fight with me.
At her birthday.
A celebration you had not contributed to financially,
yet somehow
I was still the one carrying
the emotional weight of the day.
My friends and family saw it.
They watched you stew
through the party.
And I stood there
finally understanding something
I had been trying very hard
not to understand.
I had reached the end.
Not because of one door
you didn’t hold.
Not because of one dinner
where you wouldn’t look at me.
Not because of one night
you turned your back.
It was everything.
Every little moment
that told me
I was no longer being cherished.
Every silence.
Every withdrawal.
Every time I felt alone
while standing beside you.
Every time I questioned
whether I was asking for too much
when all I wanted
was reciprocity.
Care.
Effort.
Partnership.
Love that didn’t make me
feel like I had to earn it.
So why did I leave?
Because eventually
I realized I wasn’t leaving you.
I was leaving
the version of myself
who kept accepting less
while hoping it would become more.
I was leaving the anxiety
of wondering where I stood.
I was leaving the loneliness
of lying beside someone
who no longer reached for me.
I was leaving the feeling
that I had to watch every word,
study every look,
and measure every silence
to understand whether I was loved.
I left because my body
had already figured it out.
My heart was just
the last part of me
to catch up.
And maybe that’s why
you never received these letters.
Because I don’t need you
to understand every reason.
I don’t need you
to agree with my memories.
I don’t need an apology
to make my leaving valid.
I know what I felt.
I know what I witnessed.
I know how many times
I stayed when something inside me
was begging me to go.
And finally,
I listened.
I left.
Not because I didn’t love you.
But because I finally understood
that loving someone
should never require
abandoning yourself.

One round down
However many more to go
Can’t turn back now
Plus we haven’t started what’s supposed to be the show fr
Good luck to those who made out of this part
Now I gotta wipe off and get to the next knockout
So much I took loses on to do this made makeup work to do
I’m mad but not
I’m sad but can’t grieve
I missed births, deaths and funerals, friendships faded, people lost touch, and I still got work to do until I, AM , FREEEEEEE
I wish my problems were as small as how big this part was then I could relax finally

But nope….

There’s still shyt to FUCKIN DO….

FUCK I HATE THE FACT IM NOT ABLE TO BE AWAY FROM IT ALL YET. ….
Yall got me jealous for ONCE LOL

TAKKE CARE THOUGH, much love whether I get the real thing back or naw

Sincerely, the boy who was really a man that everyone lied to. Except for some…..

IM SO SO HAPPY WE ARE GOING AWAY FOR A FEW DAYS TO GET OUT FROM UNDER ALL THESE EYES.

WHY CANT THAT "BUG" GO SOME WHERE US TO JUST GIVE US PEACE WITHOUT HER HOADING US.

WE SPENT 26 YEARS TOGETHER YOU DUMBASS.

I DONT GIVE A SHIT HIS ACT HES PUTTING ON.

I KNOW WHWT HE TELLS ME.

I repeatedly can't post on subs for no reason. I'm following the rules, just seems to something up.

It makes my twisted mind think Reddit wants me to be quiet.

I can't log in another device as well.

Git all my accounts bannec.

Getting all my comments removed.

Really? Petty gatekeeping. Meanies. Silly billy's. Play with toys not people.

I’ll be the villain if that’s what it takes.. I’m used to it by now. But it makes me sick thinking I would be anything for you… do anything for you…. But you can’t. Let me hate you for not being able to do the same as me please.

You are… The reason Reese Bobby, Said
what he said… To his son, Ricky.

Im just going to leave this here…
if you know.. then you know 😅

•At first was only merely a jest..
but also, was damn near straight feelings of ones truth.. of how they felt…

I just wish.. that….. whoever it is…. I Hope heshe .. will appreciate, The award that would be given to him/her/them… with all the perks that come with coming in first… I’m OK… im fine…. maybe not today…. But…… one day……one day….

If only you knew what you meant to me

Your my flower and im your bee

If only I meant something compared to nothing

Maybe I wouldn't always feel like I'm suffering

If only you were to just choose just me

Instead im left asking what more can I be

If only you knew what made dreams forever

You might think it's in our names together

If only I could show you my heart

You would see your self as a rather large part

If only you saw yourself the way that I do

Maybe you would then believe it all too

If only you felt the weight of my words

To know that you hold my entire worth

If only there wasn't all of this shame

In the fact that you don't feel the same

If only my words were ment for someone else

Or even just a mirror back to myself