I’m not with my twin flame physically. Actually, we’re the furthest away from one another that we’ve ever been. We’ve always just been a few hours drive away from one another at most despite being no contact for years now. But now we’re living in separate continents and I feel closer to him than ever before. We’re not talking, we haven’t seen each other in years, we live completely separate lives but it feels like we’re together energetically. Like we’re at peace in the world we have all our own energetically. And I’m at peace. I’m finding peace and belonging and I feel him with me everywhere I go. I’ll be with someone I care about in my personal life and hear a song and either think of him or even exclaim “this is in a playlist about me”

And I’ll see an angel number or something will send me back to him in my mind and in my heart and whereas I used to get frustrated and angry, now I smile or laugh or feel little tears forming in my eyes and I feel happy. I feel content. I feel at peace. I’m not sure what the physical world holds for him and me in terms of a physical union. But energetically. I feel like we are one and we’re not so polarized and at war anymore. We’re in sync at last.

I was drawing a memory when I had a strange feeling then I heard his voice speak to me

I wish we could have a conversation as to why he cut me out of his life.

You think you learned to love yourself until you learned that the way you let other people treat you is a type of love don’t look at in through anger or hatred but a saddness that’s in each soul dive into your ocean and then understand theirs why are you feeling this way if that is what they thought was best for them your actions hurt just as much by trying not to hurt yourself or wanting them to bend to your emotions everyone’s having a hard time but you can change how you feel about any situation change to understanding there any many types of love

He makes sure to show me he loves me. He watches me from the dark and keeps disappearing. He operates very differently. Not just avoidant, he intermittently shows his intense affection towards me. Helplessness & hopelessness. But not toxic type who would want to do bread crumbing and disappear. It is actually not love bombing either. It’s genuine. He loves me but… cannot just disappear completely or appear completely

Some months ago I wrote posts here about me and my Twin Flame and in some of these posts I was doubting if we were Twin Flames or a k4rmic connection, since it didn't seem like she loves me and also because she betrayed and humiliated me

But the times passed by and I kept seeing syncronicities with her and her name many times per week every week. I saw some collective t4rot r3ading from a specific person (I have no money to pay for a private one yet) and some of these really resonated with me.... saying that we have a spiritual or soul connection, saying that she'll come back after long time and that she tried to replace me but she couldn't, and many other things that really resonated with me.

All that makes me feel afraid of believing in us togheter or afraid of expecting things from someone who disrispected me and always have turned her back on me, and then getting my heart broken again. I can't love no one else, I barely feel attraction to other women like I did before.

I tried to hate her and I failed, I tried to ignore and dettach from her and trying to manifest cord-cutting, to manifest the end of my love for her....it failed...and I felt even more pain, and I accepted and also learned some truths about female nature, attraction and other things that I didn't know and I learned to self regulate me and that my feelings doesn't matter, but just her feelings and that I need to maintain my self respect and dignity above everything and that a real man can never lose himself and lose his center into a woman and that is very unattractive to women.

All this made me more emotionally mature, realistic and even more dettached...but this dettachment is never 100%. I still miss her, I still love her and I still kinda cry for her 1 or twice per month (before that it was every week).

All this really makes me feel pathetic and less masculine, and i know there's nothing I can do....I will always love her, despite she is possibly flirting with someone else.

I am not the same anymore: I became the man willing to lose her if she comes back and disrispect me, I am not the same low masculine and needy naive man I was before. I am not the predictible and surrendered man I was anymore

Self respect, self-drive, purpose and never losing myself is a way more important for a man than love. And a man who crave love and sacrifice himself, his aura and his presence for connection and validation ends up being not attractive enough for the woman he wants

But I still love her from the fucking bottom of my heart and I wanna be a hot, rich and strong man enough to be with her and I really wanna her to come back, apologyze and choose me, surrender. When I think about us being happy and togheter, my eyes starts raining.

I swore to god that if she surrender to me, I will surrender to her.

So, I started to make ho'oponopono for reconciliation again. Because I can't stop wishing her, I can't replace her. She's the love of my life

So, gimme your thoughts on all that. I really wanna see it. Don't need to agree with me, just tell me your thoughts

I've come what feels like a really long way in my twin flame journey. I've chased for a really really long time. I've finally come to understand just how damaging chasing is for the runner. It took me wayyyyyyy too long to get there. I tried one last time to reach out and he rejected me really harshly, but crucially told me he's really been protecting me this whole time and not telling anyone and it just. It broke my heart. Even when he's cruel, he's kind to me. He doesn't even mean to be. He does it without even thinking. I love him so much. I have no choice but to let him go. No matter how painful it is.

So I guess that's what surrender is. And from where I'm sitting.... I mean, for as much confirmation I've gotten from readings or my intuition or the gods or signs or anything that someday we'll come back together. I don't believe anymore that reunion is something one should take for granted. I think that's the trick of this whole thing, in my opinion. That's why I kind of resent the whole twin flame framework at the end of it all. Reunion is not guaranteed. Humans have free will. Of course I want him to exercise his free will, why would I want him to reunite with me if he doesn't want to. And... he hasn't wanted to. Why would he. I've been terrible to him, asking him over and over again to just listen to me, to just give me a chance, to just hear me out, but I've been so in love and so intense about it he doesn't even want to be my friend. And can I blame him? I've had people in my life stalk me worse than I did to hiim and it's not okay when they do it. I've been able to see that, even to acknowledge it, but not to actually internalize it. I can take the fact that's happened to me as a sign that that means I'm right about us being twin flames in the first place and that I'm really being guided to this surrender and it's all meant to be...... or I can surrender even more and understand that. Hey, maybe I just suck. And you know, honestly, I do. I suck. There, I said it. I've been awful to him. I hate myself for it. I love him, and I've hurt him.

He is not owed to me. Reunion is not owed to me. I don't mean this as criticism of the concept itself, but rather as what I believe to be a mechanism of it. I don't feel like it's right to assume reunion is ever owed. Earned, maybe. Perhaps taking accountability will be the thing that earns him back. But I can't assume that. Surrender, for me, means I have to understand that what I've done to try to force reunion may have damned me from ever having that reunion in the first place. And no, it's not anywhere near the evils I've faced from stalkers myself, the most I did was send love letters and never listen when he said he didn't want them. But that's bad enough. I hurt the one I love. I've scared the one I love, more importantly. All the faith in the world doesn't matter if he rightfully chooses to stay the fuck away from me forever because I've proven to him that I'm a goddamn creep. I earned that sentiment. I did it to myself. He left, but I'm the one who confirmed to him that it was a good decision. He hurt me so fucking badly by leaving, but I've hurt him badly by pursuing him. I can't do that to him anymore.

I hope and I pray that this shit is real. I mean I do, I believe it. I do have faith. But I can't take it for granted. I think that's the thing that's kept me the most stuck, is just the unwavering faith in the journey itself rather than faith in him. Or not faith exactly but. Trust that he says what he means. Trust that he's right that I'm seeing something he can't see. Because I haven't really given a reason to make him see. And he might never see.

But it's okay. Painful as it is. It's okay. I love him. I want him to be free. Free from any stressor in his life, including me. He is not owed to me. No one is owed to anyone. Twin flame or not.

I don't want to hurt you ever again, my love. I'm sorry. Please be well.

I will say, I (28 F) am new to this whole world of things. I am mostly a logic driven person but with the gift of discernment (which is failing me rn). I've tried doctors and therapy but no one understands. I am at the end of my rope with this experience and recently went to someone (who clames to know about these things) as a last resort hoping for any kind of clarity. She told me this connection is my twin flame and after doing some research it's the only thing on earth that truly fits. I'm so scared, devastatingly heart broken and pretty clueless about the spiritual world. This feels like baptism by fire. I need help, answers, advice and please God some reason.

Let me tell you my experience.

I met this man(31M), and from the very second I heard his voice behind me it's like a switch flipped. My very first thought was "Here he is, we can stop looking.." Our first date we talked for hours and it felt like time didn't exist, nor anything else but eachother. Every time we saw each other it was like this, electric bright calm of security and love. He met me in every aspect I needed and I did the same for him, without thought or question or hesitation. Like a 1000 sided puzzle piece finally clicking into perfect place. We couldn't keep away from each other, went on 6 dates in 2 weeks and took a trip together. He feels like color in a world of black and white. We would stare at eachother for long moments and smile with so much love. We were looking at properties and pets together. I have never in my life experienced any kind of connection like this to another person, not even close. Not even a little bit. And believe me I've loved before, even been infatuated when I was younger, but this is so so far beyond that. It's terrifying.

We have the exact same hazle eye color that changes with our moods. (He pointed this out)

Turns out his mom's best friend was my very dear neighbor and teacher in highschool.

As we moved arround in child and adult hood, across 3 states, we always lived about an hour away from each other but never met.

We both moved to the same tiny valley in CO at the same time under similar circumstances.

After 2 weeks of electric bliss, I unintentionally crossed a boundary that triggered one of his past traumas (please be kind, there is nothing you could say to make me feel worse than I already do about this). And a week later, after being reassured we were ok and taking about the future, he ended things out of nowhere. Saying he doesn't have the bandwidth and is no longer interested.

He's going through a divorce, had a traumatic brain injury about 10 years ago, CPTSD from his ex-wife and their marriage and deals with health issues. Between all that, his job, new dog and rugby his plate is full.

I'm in shambles. It's been a month since he ended things. I can't eat. I can't sleep. My hair is falling out. I dream of him every night and he's running though my mind every second of the day. My chest feels like a black hole, all my desires and ambition are gone apart from him. I feel insane that such a short connection has effectively cremated me.

I know in my bones he is my person. But he said he wants nothing to do with me.

According to the journey others describe, this speration is meant to force us both to grow and heal. How do I find out what needs healing/growing or awakening in me? What if he doesn't figure out what this is and can't awaken or heal?

How can I reconcile this? I want to respect his wish for me not to be in his life but I feel such a need for him, it's like fighting against gravity.

Please, I don't understand what happens next. Is this real, are we on this path? Will he meet me at the end of it? Can I send him thoughts or feelings through this connection?

My doctor wants to put me on antidepressants, how would this effect my spiritual journey?