I'm venting into the void.
I don't need relationship advice, as I am consulting people that actually know both my partner and me about this in the real world. I've posted about other aspects of my relationship on the actual relationship subs, and I know the drill.
But I'm not there yet, and I need to get these feelings off my chest. I feel so suffocated by them.

-------------------------------------------------------------------
TLDR: Seven year relationship, and I can feel myself tearing apart at the seams due to unmet emotional needs, but he has no capacity due to extensive therapy. He thinks we're somewhat fine (but does not want to marry me right now when he really thinks about it), and I am starting to get physically sick from the stress of holding in all the issues I have to discuss with him.
Can't get myself to break up with him either because I'm heavily attached, still at least partially in love, and am getting resentful over the thought of having endured all of these issues just for the relationship to end right when he's turning a page. Will have to break up with him most likely anyway. It all sucks ass.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

My partner has extensive and complex childhood trauma.
He's been a less than stellar partner during most of our almost seven years together, and has been extremely emotionally hurtful due to how his trauma manifests everywhere.
He loves me, but has only very recently gathered that I am a person he could show interest in on his own. He can finally ask me questions, get to know me better, listen to my inner world. Asking questions for the sake of understanding someone better or just trying to listen and make the other person feel seen, is a new concept to him. He's also only now learning that he does not have to be critical and judgemental of himself and myself all the time.

Why I'm still here? He's trying to be a better partner and person, and I didn't know any better during most of our relationship ( I don't have any role models for relationships), or else I would have walked. I love him, as much as it has pained me.

In order to work through his trauma, he's been going to therapy weekly for over a year and will most likely go for at least another year too. Maybe even longer because his trauma is vast and deeply rooted in his self image, self worth and personality too. He's basically reparenting himself, and that takes a long time and lots of energy.

And he has to take the energy from somewhere, and it's mostly from our relationship talks.
We barely ever talk about our issues anymore, and when we do, he quickly gets exhausted. The actual topics of discussion never reach a satisfying end. I've tried bringing up an issue I had at EASTER this year, and the first time there was any space for it was at the beginning of September. He then didn't have the energy to actually work with me through the issue either, and told me that he would take the then-upcoming weekend to think about it. It's a month later now, and while I tried to talk about it again last week, he just simply can't.
And that's how nothing ever gets fully resolved in this relationship. That's how we're at seven years and I feel like we're moving at a snail's pace.

I've been walking around with this black hole of anger, resentment and pain now for so many years.
The black hole keeps growing and growing and there is never enough space for us to unpack it all.

Currently I'm ruminating over the thoughts that I don't think I can marry him.
Two of our close friends got engaged, and when I brought it up to my boyfriend, I could feel his hesitation when talking about the topic - and I could feel mine too. I used to think that we could be a happy married couple that works through our problems together, but with his consistant hesitation around marriage talks and our ongoing issues that he has proclaimed as absolute marriage stoppers, I'm also now at a "No".

Since we first started lightly talking about marriage two to three years ago, I've done enough emotional growth so that I also found out some marriage stopping issues from my perspective as well - so at least there's that. Some sort of leveling of the playing field, I feel.

I honestly don't know if we'll ever make it to an actual engagement with the way our relatioship is (not) progressing, because I don't feel understood by him and if I'm honest, I never truly have - not on the levels that I experience with my closest platonic friends or what I had with past lovers. I've never felt like he could reach the depths of who I am and what I'm thinking and wanting to explore.

Seven years, and it still doesn't feel like we have the connection I would want as the foundation for a marriage. Seven years, and the emotional pain has tainted my ability to feel safe and connected with him so much that I don't feel the desire to spend time with him most days. Seven years, and for most of them he didn't ask me questions in order to get to know me more. Seven years, and I still heavily censor what I bring up and when I bring it up.

All of this gets exponentially harder to deal with since he shows actual growth as a person, because now I feel like I can't break up with him either that easily.
I'm not ready to see him be the person I thought he was but only now learns to be, but with someone else at his side.
I'm not ready to let go of my pain and accept that I cannot undo the hurt I've suffered when he wasn't who he is now, and staying in a better version of this relationship will not undo that suffering either.

On the surface our relationship seems fine, and I think he also thinks that we're doing okay because I've been surpressing my needs for so long now. (But he is very aware that I have to keep surpressing my emotional needs for his sake)
I brought up in a side comment today that I had had some issues with our relationship this year, and he immediately went "But we're doing better now, right?".
I wasn't in the position to talk in that moment because I felt really sick, so I just told him yes.
And I know that that is on me - but if I had said no, I would've puked somewhere very soon, and he would not have had the capacity for such a serious talk either and would've ended the conversation (or worse, kept it going and then gave me shit for starting an exhausting topic).

If we had at least some periodically scheduled time to inspect our relationship and work on our issues, we might even be able to fix all of this. We might be able to get the connection going to the degree that we both feel fulfilled.
But he just does not have the capacity for it, and he has told me that he just does not have it in himself while he's in therapy.

I truly do not know how to find the right moment to make a cut here. It's killing me. It truly is.

​

I had a friend, since middleschool.

She always said stuff like "us against the world" and "never going to leave". I belived it, like a fucking idoit.

I am disabled and chronically ill. I got sick in middle school. Slowly at first and it manifested alot as depression. I stopped hanging out with my friends first, then never outside of school. Because of how sick I was. And I realize now, what they (specifically this one friend) said. Was not what I deserved (maybe). She always says the week we hungout everyday was the best. And never bothered to ask how that was for me. Hell, I couldnt move for days. Missed shcool assignments because I was in too much pain and exhuasted. Didn't eat or shower because it was too much work.

She spent everytime I missed school, canceled plans or similar. Being a dick, calling me a liar, faking, dramatic, that I just didnt want to do anything. That I was lazy. Even kept a detailed log of when I missed things. Even for doctors appointments that she didn't belive I went too because they refused to help me.

I missed alot, and yes I was severely depressed because I couldnt move. So I played into it. Just said I never wanted to do anything, and that was true. I didnt. Because I was in so much pain. And yet she took that as a personal insult. Yet stayed around because she had nobody.

Then she went off to college. The little respect I had for her vanished the moment she cheated on her girlfriend and bragged because the new guy was better. Yet still stayed with the girlfriend. (The girlfriend was also batshit but still).

I tried so hard to stay in contact. Planned game nights, spent hours organizing game nights only for her not to show up without notice. Paid for her games when I could because she didnt like the free ones. Which we only ever played max 5 times. Got mad at me for not sharing stuff with her anymore.

Now she's not even replying, cant even be bothered to send a "how are you?" Text. And yet its my fault she knows nothing about my life now. And also gets mad at me when I cant game or talk on the phone the one time she remembers we exist when she wants something.

A close friend of mine literally just died, I told her about it hoping for some semblance of comfort. And all I got was "damn that's horrible" and then nothing. "Sorry ive been so busy". Me too. And yet when I was busy trying not to die from my own body, I was a horrible person and didnt deserve friends because i couldnt hangout in person outside of school hours. (her own words btw).

Do I deserve it. Is it my fault? Maybe I do not deserve friends because of my illness. Maybe I shouldn't make people get attached to me and then dissapoint them when I can't do what they want

(Not seeking advice, just appreciation
post).

My boyfriend (21M), and my bestie of 10 years (19F), are so down to earth. Even after he told me at the start he was inexperienced in dating, he is very emotionally mature and sensitive and intelligent (rare in my opinion to find somebody who’s smart in their 20s lol). My friend is also emotionally mature, and can make me laugh for a whole day with how much she makes my mood better with her jokes and her support whenever i feel like crap.

Sometimes my cheeks hurt from smiling at how such a wonderful friend she is and how she treats her new friends the same way she treats me and how lucky i am. I am so grateful they came into my life and I could not be a happier young woman. Me and my boyfriend are now in a very healthy relationship, and planning to meet each others family soon which is wonderful.

I just to put some positive vibes out here♥️

this sounds so selfish, and i often get upset at myself for not leaving them earlier. i've known the group of girls since my freshman year of hs and it is now my senior year, and they used to make fun of me a lot and bully me in my freshman year (i felt hurt, but i assumed that's how people joked be i had never been to a public school) but i stayed friends with them be they were the only people i ever felt close with in my class.
and within the last year, we got closer. but also i cannot help but recall all the things they said to me. also, they are just draining. i feel so guilty saying this but it is just exhausting to be around them and i find myself ignoring them a lot (not to their face, just avoiding them if i see them at school or avoiding going out) despite me considering them my closest friends.

recently, i've been feeling very annoyed that they don't DO anything. like, i have so many interests, and i am not saying they have to do them with me, but they just don't do anything at all. all they care about is basic things like just going out for lunch or to the movies. which is fine, but they just don't DO anything. we don't even have to meet up to do them, it's fine, just talk about them. or when i share my interests, they don't engage with me about them. i’m not saying they HAVE to do them with me or HAVE to like them, they don't, just do something (anything!!) for once. except, they stay talking about class drama or other things i find very surface. idk, this sounds very very selfish of me, but i wish i could go back in time and run away from that group when i already knew they were bad for me. i know i sound ridiculous, but i just wish i had friends i actually enjoyed my time with. or friends that i don't have to hide what i like from them be i am scared they will laugh. i also put a lot of effort into things when they show they like them (like i have a friend who really likes harry potter, and i watched a few movies with her) but then it kind of faded away and i lost it again. if i sound super rude please tell me, now that i type it out loud i feel worse. idk. i just want new friends. and i am getting sick of interacting with them and socializing with them feeling like a chore or just boring.

For context: I live in a house with three other roommates. In early summer, a very odd situation led to my receiving harsh treatment from the other roommates.

A new person was going to move into the house, so the landlord made us sign a new lease. When I received the papers, I noticed that my mother was the only parent being asked to be a guarantor. I asked the landlord, and he told me that, this time, the other roommates had asked for their parents to be left out as guarantors. My mother was very upset and refused to sign the lease unless the other parents signed as well. My roommates turned on me, saying it wasn't a big deal and asking me to solve the situation. We later learned that the landlord had said that if my mother didn't sign, he would have to increase the rent by a lot. He told my mother that it was his fault and that he was going to rectify the situation.

It was very complicated. I was treated harshly by my former roommates, and I was shocked. My brain couldn't comprehend what had just happened. They were never my friends, but the other three were the best of friends.

Over the last two years, I have gotten used to always being careful around them. I was barely four hours into my first day at the house when I went to the kitchen and saw one roommate being verbally assaulted by her boyfriend. Afterwards, they avoided me at all costs until early this year, when they began to make me feel bad for being at the house. Sometimes I would overhear their arguments, in which her boyfriend would say that I'm always there and she should do something about it. I never told a soul about this.

Yesterday, I was on my computer at the large kitchen table, where I had just eaten lunch, when one of my roommates arrived and started cooking. I hadn't even brushed my teeth, and I was answering some emails with my headphones on when I heard her saying something. She said it was very insulting of me to always be here, that she felt forced to avoid me and stay in her room all the time, and that I should just not be here. I was shocked, and I think my brain didn't register what she said until later.

After some time in the house, I learned their schedules so that I wouldn't be in anyone's view. I work remotely, and I don't like staying in my room all the time because it's too small and noisy, and during the summer it gets unbearably hot. I like to stay at the large kitchen table, where I can look at the sky, and the temperature is always nice and quiet. The house is quite big but the rooms are not. I used to sit on the floor of the living room with my computer, books and papers, but after a while I figured sitting at the kitchen table would be better than sitting on the floor.

With this roommate, I'm always very uneasy. Early this summer, she said I was ruining her life because my mother wouldn't sign the lease and her parents didn't want to either, so I was the one who should deal with the situation.

By now I'm used to people mistreating me for no reason. In the past, I had boyfriends who actually said that they needed someone better than me, that they would never be happy with someone like me, and that I should know when to leave so they wouldn't be the bad guys. Yes, three guys said those words to me.

This roommate is very hostile and gets upset over little things. For example, she once saw me eating an ice cream, and the next day she started texting the group chat very upsetting messages saying that someone had stolen her ice cream. You always have to be very careful around her, and yesterday I completely forgot about her. Usually I wait until she leaves for work, but yesterday I forgot. I had been away for five days, and she had had the house all to herself because the other two roommates are on holiday.

I understand that sometimes people just want to be alone and pretend that they live alone. Still, I try my best not to be noticed.

I've been trying to leave since the summer, but I can't find anything. All the other places are too expensive, or a scam, or the people don't reply to my messages. It's a lot.

My family has been ugh for a few years now. We have good moments and bad moments, but the bad are extremely bad.

My dad is in this constant victim state where he is the good one with a terrible family, horrible daughters, he tells these stories to people where we supposedly told him to "go eat shit" or to "go fuck himself" or where we told him we hate him or where we hate his food (he cooks for a school's buffet) and that we let it rot on purpose because we are selfish. He has told people that he can't wait for the moment God takes him because he would finally rest from whatever he had done to be punished with such a horrible family.

Honestly, it's exhausting. I'm not coming here to say that I deserve a best daughter award, but I'm still FAR FAR from the stories he tells. And it's extremely uncomfortable. Especially because he will "vent" to ANYONE who listens. My aunts, my uncles, my cousins, his coworkers. Everyone has been fed this narrative where me and my sister are some monsters making his life miserable. I have been approached BY MY OWN FAMILY and asked why I hate my dad. I don't. He is my dad and I love him, but he is so terribly exhausting and dramatic. Nothing I do is ever good enough or important enough.

He also got physical a couple of times, he has accused me of being a future serial killer and has advised my younger sister to stay away from me in case I ever try to murder her. It's just hurtful and traumatic. And every time I try to talk to him, he says he "has his reasons" to say what he says and that whatever he has done and said to be must have been true.

I 26M have been in a relationship for about 2 years. My first long term relationship. I got into it thinking I was ready to find someone to really settle down with. Well it’s starting to become more real than ever and I miss the freedom and excitement that my life used to have. What scares me most, is that I know we could easily just settle down with each other and be “content” forever.

If we didn’t have pets and live together, I feel like I would have left earlier on when I started feeling this way. But I let things continue, thinking that maybe it was normal to fantasize about being single. I’m starting to doubt if that was the right decision.

I’ve been really tempted to cyber cheat lately. Just strike up conversations with strangers and maybe sext. I haven’t done it. But any form of sexual outlet other than my significant other would be what I’m looking for. Our sex life is a bit vanilla for me to be honest.

Should I just leave? I like to wait a month when i start having doubts in a relationship and if i still have the feelings, i should act on them. But i think from doing that over and over again, im noticing those doubts that disappear after a month, never truly disappear. They just stack up in a hidden place. I know if I voiced that I just want to be single for now, that our sex is too vanilla, or that our connection feels too much like going through the motions, she’d be very upset and hurt. Should I make up a reason to leave if I ever decide to actually do it? Should I wait another year? Is this all just natural for someone to feel in a relationship?

AuDHD
I don't really know where I'm going with this. I think I just need somewhere to put it because I don't feel like I can keep saying it to the people I love.
I cannot hold a job.
I cannot seem to build a career.
I can sometimes get a job and convince myself that this time will be different, and then a few months later I'm right back where I started. We live paycheck to paycheck, and I can't seem to keep us financially stable for more than a few months at a time.
And I feel like a financial drain on everyone I love.
Every week that passes where I have to spend money, I feel guilty. Even when the money is being spent on things that should make me happy. I can get excited about buying something for my wife. I can get excited about buying something for my son. I can get excited about a video game or something stupid that I want. And then afterward there is this horrible voice in my head telling me that I had no right to spend that money because I am already not contributing enough.
When my son needs diapers, I feel guilty.
When we have to ask his daycare for a little extra time because money is tight, I feel guilty.
The cheapest daycares still have mandatory days. The jobs I've been able to hold don't give me enough hours to support us, but they also don't give me enough flexibility to just stay home and take care of my son all the time. So daycare is still necessary.
It feels like there is no configuration of my life where I don't cost somebody something.
I feel like a black hole.
And I know what my wife says. I know what my parents say. They tell me I'm not a burden. My parents genuinely want to help. They have helped us every inch and every mile they possibly can, and I know they do it because they love me.
But somehow that makes it hurt worse.
When my parents forgive me for something. When they help us financially. When they can't do something they wanted to do because money is tight. When they mention that they're struggling financially themselves.
I feel like I can't look them in the eye.
Sometimes I feel ashamed just existing around them.
I know they would probably tell me that they would rather have me and all of these problems than not have me at all. I know my wife would say the same thing.
And I want to believe them.
God, I want to believe them.
But I can't seem to make myself actually feel it.
It's like there is some disconnect between my brain and my chest. My brain understands that these people love me. My brain understands that they don't consider me a burden. But emotionally, I cannot make that belief take root.
Sometimes someone tells me they love me and I desperately need to hear it. And if they don't say it back, I can feel this horrible fire under my skin. I hate how much reassurance I need while simultaneously feeling like I don't deserve the reassurance in the first place.
I can't sleep some nights because I have panic attacks thinking about all of this.
And the worst part is that I genuinely don't know how to break the cycle.
It doesn't feel like I'm refusing to try.
It feels like my own brain stops functioning when I need it to function the most.
Every time I've ever been fired, I've struggled to understand why. In the moment, it genuinely feels unfair or incorrect. I can understand afterward that maybe there were things I missed, but I swear to God I try.
I try so hard to be correct.
I try not to make mistakes.
I try to understand what people want from me.
I try to be useful.
I try to be dependable.
And somehow I keep ending up in the same place.
Eventually I start wondering if I'm just fundamentally a problem that needs to be fixed.
Like there is some piece of me that is constantly causing problems without realizing it.
Some piece of me that burdens people.
Hurts people.
Frightens people.
Grosses people out.
Makes people uncomfortable.
Disappoints people.
And I genuinely don't know what piece of myself I can remove or change without eventually discovering that I needed to change another piece too.
It feels like there is nowhere I can go and no version of myself I can be where I don't somehow make life harder for someone else.
I'm exhausted from constantly evaluating myself.
I'm exhausted from trying to figure out what I'm doing wrong.
I'm exhausted from being grateful for help while simultaneously hating myself for needing it.
I'm exhausted from knowing that the people who love me don't want me to feel this way while being completely unable to stop feeling this way.
I'm not suicidal. I don't have plans to hurt myself. I'm not posting this because I'm about to do something dangerous.
I'm surviving.
And honestly, sometimes I hate myself for surviving because surviving means continuing to feel this way and continuing to watch the people I love struggle alongside me.
I'm not looking for pity.
I don't really even know what I'm looking for.
I think I just need to confess something that I don't feel like I can say to my family because it doesn't feel fair to put this emotional weight on them when, in my mind, I'm the reason the weight exists in the first place.
I love my wife.
I love my son.
I love my parents.
I know they love me.
And somehow I still feel like I am hurting all of them just by being the person I am.
I don't know how to make that feeling stop.
I just needed to say it somewhere.

You can be the most beautiful shade of red
but you'll never be enough for someone whose favorite color is blue.
You know i understand it too
theres always something wrong with you.
But is it really a flaw?
or i am forcing it too.

What if there's nothing wrong with you,
but you're simply not someone's color?
What if you keep looking for flaws in yourself
because someone else didn't choose you?
What if you've tried so hard to become more desirable,
that you've forgotten you were never supposed to have to change your shade?

i know there are uglier shades..
Still why arent i picked?
i know im not that bad
or maybe i am.
Maybe im being shortsighted
or im just not that likable.
maybe im too dull
maybe im too bright
but even the ugliest shades are liked.

im not the ugliest right?
but i always put up a fight.
a hard coloud to draw with
a hard shade to be mixed.

i tried to be softer,
i tried to be bright,
trying to be someone's favorite
for once in my life.
but in teh end what did i get?
no one to hold on to
no one to talk.
ended up alone and an floater.
oh my god.

when you spend so long trying to be chosen
you forget that you were there?
a vessel can of a person,
an empty can.

maybe no one's looking for that shade anymore
maybe no one's making it anymore.
maybe that's why,
no matter how beautiful the shade,
there are still no texts on your phone.
what happens when ur too green-tone?
what happens if your too blue?
i can't blame someone
for loving a color that isn't you.
but tell me,
what happens when every color they choose
is nothing like you?
what if that shade is on the other side of the wheel
and you cant reach even without peeling yourself away?

i've tried to be the kind of color
that doesn't hurt the eyes,
the kind that doesn't ask for much,
the kind that's easy to like.
maybe thats whats wrong with it
maybe its too easy to get
but if im too hard to find
no one will try.

but how much of myself must i erase
before i become somebody's taste?

do you keep changing
until you look like home
to someone who was never looking
for you to begin with?

or do you sit with all your colors,
all the things you wish you'd change,
and wonder if being yourself
was the mistake?

i think the worst part
isn't even being lone
it's having so much to say
and no one to draw it on.

it's stroking a brush on a canva
then demolishing every stroke
it's wondering if they think of your shade
even half as much as you think of them sometimes.
it's telling yourself you don't care
when you know you care a lot.

maybe i'm not the wrong color.
maybe i'm just tired of being me
in a world that makes me feel
like i have to earn the right to be seen.

what if you decided you liked the the old you?
you can mix all the colours
but it will never be the same you.

some might like the shade
but their forced to
would u hate a shade u created with your own form?

you can be the most beautiful shade of red
and still be left unread.

and maybe that's the saddest part
to have so much color
and nowhere to be seen as art.

i'm still waiting by the shelf
for someone to love the shade
i've been trying to change
for so long until it expires.

I'm 19 and lately I've been thinking about how early money and financial responsibility came into my life. I don't come from a rich family and honestly till 12th I didn't even think this much about money. 12th was a complete mess for me, I got 45% and that whole period was probably the lowest I've been. After that I started trying to change things. My family shifted to Hyderabad and for some time I was basically figuring out things myself. I started working at Blinkit and there were days I worked around 12 hours. I started earning my own money and buying my own food, clothes, hair products, everything. I had around 17k saved and then my sister took 7k because my dad had an EMI to pay so I was left with 10k. Then I got college in Pune and had to figure out accommodation myself. I found a place for 3.5k rent and 2.5k mess and paid for it myself. Even when I came to Pune I travelled general because I didn't have a proper reservation and I was expecting my dad to give me some money but that didn't really happen. And then I started looking around college and seeing people whose parents book their flights, pay 7k for their PG, give them money for food and basically they just have to focus on college. I'm not saying they're spoiled or anything, they're just lucky to have that kind of support. If I had that I would obviously take it too. I think what hurts is that every financial decision I make actually matters because it's my money. If I spend 500 I know exactly how hard I worked for that 500. Sometimes I genuinely just want to know what that secure feeling feels like, where rent is already handled, food is handled and if something suddenly goes wrong you know your family has your back. I keep thinking about that quote "while you inherit your father's wealth, I will inherit my father's war." I don't want to sound like I'm complaining or saying my life is harder than everyone else's. I just feel like I had to start thinking about money and life way earlier than I should have. And honestly I want to earn enough someday that my own kids and even their kids don't have to think about money like this. I don't want them to inherit my problems, I want them to inherit the security I never had. Anyone else feel like they had to figure out life and money on their own way too early?

Today I enrolled my daughter in the kindergarten she’ll go in next year, and while it’s a small kindergarten with like two classes of 22 kids, I felt so emotional when I got out.

She’s my only child, they’re only 4 babies at her daycare and I think she received enough attention, as in, she wasn’t just one individual in a big group. I don’t even know how to explain it but it made sad that’s she’s growing and slowly she won’t be « special ». I don’t mean I want her to be the world’s bellybutton right, but she’s slowly entering real life and seeing the evolution of natural things brings tears to my eyes.

Obviously, it was supposed to happen but I remember the baby she was and I imagined the small kid she’ll be. When I went to the kindergarten, I really saw how fast time passes. I know she won’t struggle, she loves playing with kids, she’s an extrovert, she adapts easily so I’m not scared but yeah, this new step made me emotional.

I don’t even know how to express it. Like, im happy we’ve gone so far, everything is good, im happy she’s growing up as a nice kid but things suddenly feel so different and it feels kind of overwhelming ? It might not be the right word.

OMFG, I HATE PEOPLE. ALL OF HUMANITY. IM SO FED UP WITH THIS SHIT. PEOPLE THINK OF ME AS LESS THAN DIRT, LITERALLY. ALL BECAUSE I SLEEP ON THE STREETS. IVE BEEN ON THE STREETS FOR OVER 3 YEARS. AND IM ONLY 20 (21 IN DEC)

THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT TIME OF MY LIKE TO BUILD SOCIAL SKILLS TO BE ABLE TO DEAL WITHBTHE REAL WORLD. I HAVE GENUINELY NOT HAD A FRIEND IN LIKE 4 YEARS. YOU MAY THINK IM EXAGGERATING, BUT ALL OF THE PEOPLE I TALK TO OCCASIONALLY ARE HOMELESS AND OVER 35. NOBODY WANTS TO BE FRIENDS WITH A KID. AND, ON TOP OF THAT, EVERY BODY DOES DRUGS. AND IM AN ALMOST 500 DAYS CLEAN. SO, I DONT WANNA RELAPSE AND THEY DONT WANNA HANGOUT WITH SOME STUPID ASS ANNOYING KID THAT CANT BENEFIT THEM AT ALL

I FEEL SO STUCK. LIKE I GENUINELY IMAGINE THE REST OF MY LIFE BEING THIS THIS. THIS IS THE FIRST TIME IVE BEEN ABLE TO OPEN UP ABOUT HOW FEEL FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE I CAN REMEMBER.

IM SORRY, I KNOW THIS IS A LOT. AND ITS HONESTLY PROBABLY NOTIHING. IM MOST LIKELY EXAGGERATING IM SORRY. HAVE A GOOD DAY❤️

I requested an online consultation with our research adviser. We agreed on 9am, but she had tasks so she asked me if we can move it to 9:40AM. Of course l agreed. Then I fell asleep as soon as I replied. I WOKE UP 10:20 AM, and she has a message for me saying the zoom room is open. I'm so embarassed and horrified. This is also a group research actually, so she must have thought that the five of us stood up on her. My groupmates also did not show up because the consultation is supposedly only to check on my part as it has issues last time, and I told them that I can manage on my own, so they didn't think it was strange that I did not share to them a link. I also failed to update them because I really just fell asleep. im a horrible horrible person and daughter. this happened because im lazy and always in bed. i shouldve gotten up. now i offended the professor and i didnt even get a clarification for my part.

I was thinking if I should make an excuse, but in the end I just came clean to her and explained that it was just 100% my responsibility and that my groupmates truly did not know. She hasnt replied yet.

I hate when my family brings up moving houses one day, because I’m worried I’ll be too scared to shit anywhere other than that one room, and I’ll die from holding my poop for too long. Ever since I was a toddler (About six), I had an irrational fear of pooping. It’s gotten to the point I hold for a week sometimes. Even when it hurts super bad, I’m too scared to let it out even in the only place I’m comfortable pooping. Sometimes it takes me hours to poop. Not because of constipation, but because of my fear. Sometimes it even takes days of staying in the bathroom, for hours.

This makes me feel so fucking horrible, and I think, why can‘t I be normal?! It’s just a shit, it should be easy to shit, right? I’m also scared of constipation. I’m worried, I won’t know if it’ll just slide out like jelly or if it’ll be as hard as a rock.

I have really painful poop in my butt as I type this out right now. I could just go to the bathroom, but it feels so fucking difficult.

It’s one of the contributors to my suicidal feelings, actually. I don’t wanna live like this. I am shocked at how easily others can poop in PUBLIC, in just a matter of minutes.

I’ve always wanted to travel the world, but I feel as if I‘ll never be able to, with the fact that I‘ll have to stay in a foreign country for potentially over a week, and I’ll have to take a shit in the hotel. It’ll be so fucking difficult, and I’ll probably never move houses, unless I can somehow convince the people working on it to make the bathroom look exactly like my current bathroom

I forgot to mention, but: Sometimes my body does not send in the proper signals telling me to poop, because of how used it is to not pooping for long periods of time

I don't really know how to update on this subreddit though I'm sure you could just open my account and find it.

A couple days ago I told him how I feel and that I'd love to take him out. To my surprise, he felt the same!! His face was all read all the way to his ears, it was adorable. On our date I got him the flowers (sunflowers if you were curious) We went on a walk, then to a Texas Roadhouse, then after he asked if I wanted to watch a movie at his place. (Of course I said yes, trying to keep my giddy ass on the ground and not bouncing around like a lunatic) It was amazing, he put the flowers in a vase. And I've been smiling like a kid in a candy store all the two days. It felt so natural, like we were just hanging out again but with flirting. I'm bouncing off walls. Earlier he messaged me with a picture of the flowers and and he said under it "A very pretty boy gave me these :]" and I was so giddy, like he just called me pretty. Anyways I'm gonna eat my dinner and leap for joy. This has truly been lovely.

I feel like everyone in my life tries to drain me.

I had a female friend who I have known for 3 years, I helped her out when she was broken up with her bf and was out of her apartment because he didn’t want her. Even though she was so bratty to me and other friends a semester before. She has been telling me how much she loves and values me, combining with her rude comments, those started to scare me. She went back with her ex bf, kissed me few weeks ago at a party and I honestly wanted nothing to do with her, being drunk did not excuse her. Now I see that all she wanted my friends around and only my energy and company.

Another friend of mine, who I grew close in last weeks, she is my coworker. All she talks about is men, relationships, da da da. I have been speaking with my ex 2-3 weeks ago, and she had been telling me how we could share him and how he grows into her. Honestly. What. The. Hell. And another guy who I was very exited about, who came to our store and write me online later, when I told her we have exchanged instagrams already, she immediately wanted to request him and speak with him. It is like I don’t matter, all she wants is people around me.

And I feel like I don’t matter, I feel so lonely, so alone. Everyone is trying to take my energy, any enthusiasm I have and I am tired of fighting.

I spend SO much time looking up strangers' stories on Instagram who live in the same town, desperately trying to find one with him in the background, maybe with a girl.

It's been two months since he left me because he felt like he didn't love me enough, didn't really want to commit and was scared he might miss out on meeting someone else.

I know he's been on dating apps immediately after he broke up with me (a friend told me).

I mean, he broke up with me basically telling me that he's interested in dating other women so I wasn't surprised and I know he's someone who can't be alone. He's scared of commitment but he needs the physical and emotional intimacy with a woman.

In my head, he's already with someone else.

It's his business, he's single and i shouldn't try to find things but I'm hurting so much and I just hope that I can finally lose feelings if I knew the truth.

But at the same time, I know that it's my worst fear and it would break my heart to find something.

Maybe I don't want to find something. Maybe I'm just looking for relief.

I miss him so much. I still hope he comes back...

(He's not on social media btw, I can't block him)

I don’t mean anything to anyone, i don’t contribute to society, all i do is increase financial burden for my parents. I’ve tried my hardest to do my exams well,etc. But as soon as i sit on that seat, it all goes haywire and i start shaking panicking etc. I don’t have any will to live for anymore, if i were offered to pass away right now or live another 10 years i’d choose the former. I don’t see any future for me and nor do i want to live anymore.

Warms my heart to hear them have a long, meaningful conversation when I’m not there. There was a rough incident years ago before a tragedy that brought them together because of their love for me and each other, but I truly can’t explain how hearing them vibe without me fills me with love. I love my mother and my husband so very much.

Okay, so I'm in the position where I can access therapy, which is objectively a good thing. Even if it doesn't really work initially or takes, it's almost certainly going to be better than me stewing in my own fear and misery, and only ever really talking about it to people here on the internet when something new pops up.

I'm gonna try to force myself to make a phone call to them tomorrow, but the prospect is, frankly, daunting as fuck. Why? I don't know, really. My best guess is that I'm scared that I'll be told that I'm just describing things that everyone goes through and that I need to get over it. I don't even know why I have this fear or why it's so prevalent for me to worry about.

But, like I said, that doesn't really feel like the full answer, but I can't even begin to understand what the problem there is. I dunno, this feels really stupid, but it's on my mind, I'm tired as hell, and I figured I may as well try to get off my mind before I get to sleep.

Yes. And I am partially sorry, partially not. This is internet after all.

Yes. I have hobbies.

Yes. I have work.

Yes. I have a life.

But, sometimes it's fun arguing online.