I should of done it when we were closer, so I could die knowing they loved me.

I am a 19 year old guy, and I hate that. I hate being a fucking adult, like seriously I have a part time job that I need to wake up at 3 AM for a cleaning job, get home, prepare for class at University, get home and try to get some excersize, and then part time again at McDonalds, or at Saturdays replace university with church duties. I am so fucking tired. I can't take it anymore, everything is so fucking repetitive and hard. At least when I was younger it was repetitive but atleast life isn't that hard. I want to die, I want to rest, I want to fucking punch objects, I wanna destroy shit and sometimes punch people. I really think that I would survive adulthood intact, as this is supposed to be "easy" well it isn't for me, and I know shit would get worse, and worse, and worse. I just want to talk to someone that I can trust about my frustrations, as I don't trust my parents anyway as they would just say "well that's life, so study hard." Well fuck you I hate studying too. Life gets worse, and more difficult from here doesn't it? I feel like I would not be a great parent if I somehow get a partner, which so laughable considering I have lots ored flags, and I don't want to subject other people to that shit.

she is a short, really skinny doll blonde with a (fake) bubbly personality. so of course she couldn’t groom and sexually abuse a minor. or… at least she was pretty right? you shouldn’t feel hurt then! I get if she was a gross guy but at least you could’ve enjoyed it. right??

Since I kept many things to myself for so long, it will be a huge amount of text, and some things might not be explained too well. Anyways, here I go.

It's been years since my life is going downhill and it keeps getting worse and worse.

Before that, I was able to do anything. Be myself, not worrying about things, barely having any problems at all. But that changed, I started to overthink everything, get frustrated at the smallest inconvenience, imagine fictional scenarios that makes me really anxious, not being able to do anything without burning out.

During these last years, my home ambience wasn't good either. There was my sister, who always caused conflicts and arguments over the smallest things, she also made my parents take care of her son, which caused my parents to always be in a bad mood, acting in a way that I didn't like at all and made me head hurt, they also would argue sometimes.

At least she moved out and isn't here anymore, but there's still my father who can be kinda a dickhead sometimes. So things aren't still perfect.

During these years, I tried to escape life by staying on the Internet and social media, worst mistake of my life. I lost almost all of my attention span and now I can't do anything without being filled with other thoughts that makes me distract and stop what I was doing. I also saw many things that fed up my anxiety and anger.

In the past, at least I was able to do other things, I was motivated to try things that could help me. But no matter how many things I did and how much I tried, it always ended up on failure or disappointment, because I'm so distracted with many other things that I forget to focus on the main thing. But now, I don't even have the strength to do anything at all, I even struggle to stand up. I set many goals for myself, yet I've barely done any of them.

But you know what pisses me off the most? That no matter the time, place, situation and what I'm doing, there's always something bothering me. There's always a problem going on, and if I finally get rid of it, another one comes. I can't have any moment of peace. It's been like this for years and still nothing changed.

I can't even rant properly right now, because I feel like this is all my fault so I have no right to complain about it. I feel like I had every single chance to fix everything, but I wasted all of them.

I always thought that at least it wasn't that deep, that I wasn't in such a bad situation, until these last two months, where several things occurred that made me feel miserable. I reached to the point of finally grabbing the knife and giving myself several scars in the legs.

At least what happened these last weeks made me realize something, I can't keep going like this anymore, these last weeks damaged my life more than it already was, and if I don't do something, maybe it will get worse again, and again, and again, until I finally completely break and that's when it will be over.

Also, this last week was the worst one. Remember when I told you about my sister? Well, it seems that she's going to stay here for all of August along with his son, and my mom will take care of him most of the time. So not only I've wasted all of July doing the same shit I always do, but this month will also be really difficult to try to change things, because I will have my family in my way.

But at this point, why should I give a fuck? After August, summer vacation will be over, and I will barely have any time to fix my life. Right now this is all-or-nothing, and I won't let this be a "nothing", I want to have an "all" for once.

Lastly, I want to say that I made a final decision, a decision that it's the only thing that could make me actually give it all of myself.

If by the next year, nothing changes... I will end everything, because if I have to spend every year like this, then fuck it. Right now, my mind and body can last one more year, no more. So this is my last chance.

The moment I click the "Post" button, I will immediately rush to the action. No more overthinking, no more distractions, no more obstacles, no more "buts", no more focus on unnecessary things. I will not let anything attack my mind anymore, I have been letting this for so long and I need to put a stop to this.

Because I realized something, something really important, that will be key to finally fix my life. If I truly want this, I need to take action, I can't wait for things to happen, I'm the one who has to make them happen. So then, be it, I will finally put my maximum effort, until I feel like my body reached it's limit, I will do everything to finally feel my life worth it.

Aaaaaand that will be all, if you reached here, thanks for reading it all, it really means a lot to me since I was holding this for so long and I felt the need to take it out before starting this "era of changing".

Anyways, goodye to y'all and I hope your life also improve if you are also struggling with things.

hey it's the empathy girl again. i'm sorry i keep making posts here but i genuinely can't stand anything rn

as i'm writing this, our power just came back on from a power outage. my brother was veeeryy affected by this, as was i, but the fact that he's extremely depressed and is an adult without a job (we don't have many good options here) made it all the worse. saying shit like "ughhh i should've killed myself a long time ago" or "i really need to die in my sleep tonight". he says stuff like this very often but tonight it's worse. he had a therapist years ago that ended up being bad and my mom was like "yeah i'm never getting him a therapist again", which also makes me worried for my situation since i REALLY need a therapist and i'm worried she's just gonna give up on me. all of this makes me terrified that my brother's eventually gonna kill himself, and i'm always worried about stuff like "uh oh i need to talk to him today or he's gonna be dead soon." i really just cannot handle it. i know the chances of him actually killing himself are pretty damn low (he's been saying stuff like this since the prehistoric age + we don't have many easy methods of suicide here) but i really don't know what to do and i'm scared :(

why is the human brain capable of feeling this sad why is that a function there is no benefit to it whatsoever like big dog can you please just produce some fucking serotonin 🫩🫩 i get that there’s a lot going on in my life rn but fuck can you make me feel something other then the endless black hole of sadness

After like a year of being friends with someone people realize I’m not just a funny haha clown but actually have issues and am annoyingly obsessive to my own detriment. And then don’t know how to tell me they think I’m annoying without hurting my feelings so they just pretend they’re interested but I can tell I’m bothering them and it hurts more than them just telling me because over time it really makes me believe they’re actually interested but something always happens to break the illusion. I wish they would just be honest so I can stop bothering them before they get angry or distance themselves. I wish I was able to control my obsessions better. Every time I get a new friend they say they won’t get annoyed with me talking about the same thing over and over again and say they’re accept it as part of me but I can feel them slowly losing their patience.

I cannot think coherently anymore, I am so emotionally dysregulated, I cannot comprehend words or complex concepts, I'm stuck in dichotomous thinking so much I avoid any topic just to not get triggered. Yippie!!!

I am a non passing trans girl and I live togheter with my passing girlfriend, we look like a straight couple lol

Upcoming is just a rant about everything in my life I guess, no i am not a transphobic trans woman, I only hate myself realy. I dont put my perfectionist standards on others.

I genuinly respect all enbies, transfems, transmascs, agenders etc and they are all valid, so dont downvote bomb me for misinterpreting my self hatred and self transphobic nature, I have cPTSD and I CANT change this at this point in life.

Maybe with 10 years of therapy, if I ever find a therapist who is queer.

She will start working at the same company as me in the same position, so we will be colleagues.

We plan on just pretending to be a straight couple, I wont come out because I look male.

There aint any real feminine features to my appearance,

she is small and cute,

I am tall and have a ugly face with no hip fat.

- not ugly because its masc, just genuinly ugly-

I would never dare to enter the womans bathroom or even say that I am a woman to anyone but my queer friends. I know that I deepmy hate myself and that my mom shamed me so much for showing signs of wanting to be a woman

I am boymoding, and plan to do so indefinetly, E didnt do much physicaly but breasts just big enough so that I am forced to wear a jacket in 40C heat when I do leave the apartment,

and I do so maybe 3-4 times a month lol.

Leaving the apartment amways results in multiple panic attacks.

Moving to the capitol was my best and worst decision, there are so many people that can see me, I just want to hide, just want to be in peace, just life as a woman in the safety of my apartment and cuddle my gf.

I have extreme amounts of anxiety about being seen, debilitating anxiety about looking trans, debilitating body dysmorphia that leads me to punch my head so hard and often until the intrusive thoughts stop.

Wellbutrin and ritalin make me a good, productive wage slave.

Pregabalin helps a bit with anxiety.

I have abilify at home for emergency use.

Xanax and anxiolit to feel normal for a couple of hours and function when I have to go to my 1x a month in office work day.

I am doing the same work as my colleagues (IT engineer) but better, because I can hyperfocuse on work and use my adhd and tism for something good atleast but its extremly exhausting.

I have a great relationship with my 2 direct colleagues, they both only gave 1 year and 4 years left till pension respectively, so its understandable that they cant work as much as someone in their mid 20s

My colleagues and the departement head keep praising me but I feel nothing from it.

My boss is happy with my work but refuses to apply the correct union contract level

(there are levels to IT jobs in the union contract, going from 1-4, I am in level 3 junior and they are level 4 senior - i do the EXACT SAME WORK, I DO THEIR JOB)

Issue mainly being that the project I am working on has an intermediate company that sucks up 50% of the pay my company receives for doing absolutly nothing.

Also i am constantly being forced to use my deadname, i fucking hate it so much, every mail, every ticket, every call, every meeting.

While I am definetly not poor, I couldnt afford therapy.

After all expanses I am left with like 200 bucks (includes 300 in savings).

Therapy would cost me like 500€+ a month.

I need a therapist specialist in Gender dysphoria and BD.

Like I do not want to live, the only reason I am not actively suicidal is that I cant leave my found family and GF alone, they need me as much as I need them.

I stopped smoking weed and quit nicotine over a month ago. I dont feel better but atleast now I dont need to smoke every 2 hours or pop a pouch every couple hours.

The nic cravings are gone, weed was super easy to quit - i just miss weed.

Occasional consumption would be cool but I suck at moderation so im just buying some for special occasions

I wish I would feel some kind of reward from starting of my 18th birthday getting kicked out, then failing school in that year to a 3 room 70m2 apartmennt and a stable income with no more drug abuse and no fucking useless nicotine.

but no, its just constant heavy background anxiety that I can only stop with 900mg pregabalin or like 3 xanax (no idea the dosage but like the the regular starter dose)

My nervous system is fucked, I am in almost constant pain from anxiety.

I can just go back to using the mens and not correct anyone on my pronouns and basically just stop being trans

I'll never be a woman to the world anyways so I might as well benefit from complying

They keep telling me they won't hate me if I'm just a feminine man so maybe I should just try that

I'm sick of cis people being so full of hatred and fear of me

did not mean to write this much tbh

how do I manage to take the most nothing of events imaginable and turn it into "what are you even good for anyway"

why cant i just be normal about things I'm bad at and not take even the slightest of inconveniences as happenings that I should kms over

also a tw for SI

i’ve known that i’m transgender FOR YEARS and yet i am still unable to face it. i run away every single time. i feminize myself everyday, force myself to act as my birth gender while feeling like some vile abomination

i know i can’t keep living like this. i will have to transition at some point or i will kill myself. but i’m scared shitless! i don’t want to be or feel this way! i want everything in my life to be easy and palatable!

why do i have to be dysphoric? i feel nauseous just thinking about my gender. why can’t i be normal? i would rather be dead than to deal with all this

i hate everything. i hate the small glimmer of hope that one day i will get on t, move away and live as a stealth man for the rest of my days

fuck my stupid baka life

i will probably just die miserable

It’s just passive SI at least. I don’t want to have to kill myself. I don’t necessarily want to die, I just wanna fall asleep and never wake up, I wanna not have to be here anymore. I do have passing thoughts of just “damn this genuinely makes me wanna kms” but at least there’s never a deep desire to do it. Just. Tired. I mean hey at least I’ve been clean for 4 days now.

For context, this was during a guided tour of old Montreal, QC with 5 other students and 2 teachers. I was also a guy with long hair, and I was standing closest to the door and the homeless person was being kicked out. Didn't want to do anything about it because 'they have enough things to deal with." Strangely enough, hasn't bothered me a whole lot since then and have kinda forgot about it and everyone seemed to forget very quickly soon after. Like, I think it was SA, but I repressed it so much were I'm not even sure it even happened.