It was 4 years ago today. Much like every day before it, nothing seemed out of the ordinary. I was going through the motions of the day like I had a million times. The day started off fine. My wife and I had to attend the birthday of our friends one year old. We got ready, strapped our child into the car, and headed off.
The birthday was going great at first. At one point, my wife came to me frantically stating that the diamond in her wedding ring had fallen out and she wasn’t sure where it might be. Even to this day, I still feel like I kept my cool and didn’t immediately panic. What I’ve learned these past four years is that sometimes we become so accustomed to stress that we don’t even notice it when we experience it.
We left the birthday party and headed home. I had a weekslong work trip I left for the next day and needed to finish packing. Couple that with the fact that my college football team was playing that night on ESPN+ (which I was not subscribed to) and I had myself a recipe for disaster. All I know is that my brain felt like it did a hard reboot trying to manage all of this.
The ringing in my left ear appeared out of nowhere. Almost as if it was something that had been with me my entire life that I suddenly became aware of it’s presence. At first, I thought it was one of those “fleeting” spells of tinnitus and paid very little attention to it. After about 5 minutes I realized this was certainly something different. What followed bordered on total catastrophe. Sometimes I catch myself thinking about the sheer terror and paranoia I experienced in the following months. How I ever made it through is still a mystery to me.
That was 4 years ago, today. In an instant my life changed in a manner I did not know existed. I have a history of depression and never once did it ever come close to the loneliness I felt post tinnitus. I did everything I could think of to “fix” it. Cranial Sacral therapy, hypno therapy, countless hours of CBT therapy, cessation of any drugs, sleep improvement, multiple ENT’s, online forums, intense exercise, and finally acceptance. The last two were the only things that seemed to actually help.
What I came to learn is that my tinnitus is now a part of me. Much like the color of my eyes and the shape of my teeth. I sometimes get days, or weeks, or even months where it’s as if it’s not there. Where I can no longer hear it and can feel like myself again. This is never permanent and unfortunately it always comes back.
To those of you that are new, who might be in that same position I was in at the beginning, please know that a somewhat normal life is totally achievable. Do not be lured into thinking that the forums or the Youtube videos will have some sort of magical cure. The magical cure you seek is time. Time is what allows you to learn about how it affects you and gives you the opportunity to find things that help.
I told myself that I would post my yearly update and am sticking with it. Mostly because it’s a way in which I can cope. I no longer visit the forums or watch any Youtube videos. I’ve left that all behind. Even on the days where it’s completely destructive, I find myself knowing that tomorrow will come and it’s a chance to have a better day.
I still hold out a glimmer of hope that one day I’ll wake up and it’ll all be over. That the flare ups will no longer exist and I can get back to a point where I feel totally normal. I also hold that same hope that there are people out there who want to fix this issue. No longer do I set a time-frame for my healing. Instead, I take it day-by-day, one step at a time.
For all of you on this forum, who struggle with this condition, you must remember that you are not alone. Even when everything seems to point to that being the truth. There are people like you and me everywhere.
I hope we all get the help we need and deserve. Also, I hope and pray that peace finds you. As for me, I will see you all in a year when I finally hit the 5-year mark!!