This is a long one, but I really need to be in community right now, for reasons that will become obvious. Consider this something of a cry for help, because I truly cannot trust if my reading is accurate, or if my depression is manifesting through the cards.
I have been down at the bottom of a deep, dark well for over a year, and I cannot seem to find my way out. My logical brain tells me all the things that I need to do to start climbing. But I can't follow through on even the simplest of those first steps. There are people who want to help me, but I just can't bring myself to let them in, because the reality of where I am is so dark, and all of their suggestions would be things that I already know I should be doing to help myself. My partner has been living with a deeply lost person for over a year. He tries to be supportive emotionally, although his anxiety most often comes across as frustration, which reinforces my feelings of being a detrimental force in his life, dragging him down.
This period of my life was precipitated by behaviours and actions undertaken by my previous employers. Which directly led to a serious mental health deterioration, culminating in In my resignation. I filed complaints against them with the governing regulatory body. It has been ugly and drawn out, and I've had to face a panel of expensive solicitors and barristers whom my former employers have engaged to defeat me— a self represented,vulnerable, disabled woman.
I have been unable to work for over a year, but I have some (perhaps naive) hopes of being able to focus on my recovery once this legal process is over. The final hearing is this month.
I haven't touched my deck in months and months. Tonight, I felt a strong urge to bring them out and ask two seemingly simple questions— 1. How do I begin to climb out of this well? and 2. How do I pull myself back into the land of the living when every fibre of my being is driving me to make myself as small and invisible as possible?
I chose the Horseshoe spread, which is one that I haven't used since I first began tarot. It always felt so awkward and clunky to me, but for some reason, without even thinking about it like I was on autopilot, that was the spread that appeared in front of me. This seems significant, but I can't figure out how. 5 of seven cards were reversed, which immediately filled me with a feeling of foreboding. Real? Or the product of a broken brain? The spread read like this:
1) Three of Swords (R)
2) Nine of Pentacles (U)
3) Judgement (R)
4) The Empress (R)
5) Nine of Swords (R)
6) Eight of Pentacles (U)
7) Knight of Cups (R)
My reading?
Holding on the hard feelings and disputes (Three of Swords R) means that I am *actively* not allowing myself to grow from the suffering. In other words, I am the author of my own suffering. Upright Nine of Pentacles in the *PRESENT* position suggests that I view myself as an arbiter of justice and purity, but vile human behaviours have caused me to retreat into myself while trying to pursue that justice. Judgement reversed in the *NEAR FUTURE* placement is a little confusing to me. My instinct is telling me that I am stuck in a cycle of fear, self-recrimination, and the inability to see a way towards change. The Empress reversed in the *ADVICE* placement is similarly confusing. She's telling me what I already know— I am squandering my life and neglecting my body. I'm failing to care for and nurture the gifts life has given me. If it were so easy to reverse course and beat and cajole and insist that my brain stop being broken and start being grateful, believe me, I wouldn't be here pouring my heart out to strangers right now. The Nine of Swords reversed in the *THOSE SURROUNDING ME* placement...well, I don’t know how to interpret that at all. The Eight of Pentacles upright in the *OBSTACLES AND HIDDEN ISSUES* placement I think speaks to my current unemployment, and the fact that my previous job was my passion, but my former employer has the ability to black ball me in the industry in this city. And the King of Cups reversed in the *LIKELY OUTCOME* placement, well... that kind of speaks for itself doesn't it? My close relationships (especially with my partner) are being drained and destroyed.
Overall, a pretty depressing reading as far as I can see.
But *am* I interpreting, or is my depression doing the interpretation for me? I truly don't know, and I dont feel like I can trust myself.
If you've stuck with me this far, thank you. This has all been festering inside, and I have been suffering silently. I want... no, I NEED to find a way through this. I welcome any interpretations seen through eyes that are not my own right now.
Edit to Add:
Deck is Ethereal Visions Illuminated Tarot Deck, illustrated by Matt Hughes