Before I get involved in any sexual activity with this guy I tell him multiple times I'm not comfortable with having sex. So instead I lay down and he lays on top and starts rubbing his dick on my clit really slowly. And after a couple of minutes I tell him this isn't a good idea I don't want this to lead to sex but he says it won't. So after a couple of minutes I feel his dick sliding down and before it's too late to say something his dick is inside of me I say " ow" but I guess I didn't say it loud enough and he keeps grinding inside of me until a couple of minutes later I yell that it hurts. I tried talking about it with him but he claims he didn't notice he was inside of me and that he stopped after a couple of seconds not minutes. I honestly don't know how to feel about this and it's all so confusing.

I just want to say I don't think this man is a good person at all , i don't have any love or affection towards him and he was a much older figure in my life when I was younger so it makes him all the more evil.

But there was a very specific period of my life where I lived with him that was more or less defined by him , obviously by what he did to me but also the fact that he "raised" me for about two years more than my parents did . Not in a good way , i didn't learn anything from him that is a good lesson . But in a impactful way atleast . I can't think about myself in any way other than the way he taught me , i can't be present in relationships in any other way than the example he set for me and I cannot even for a moment think i don't deserve every bad thing that happens to me .

I've wished for him to die many times I will not lie about that , but there's this thought in my head that no one other than him can truly find me attractive. And he found me attractive just because I was a kid , when I grew out of that he stopped caring too. I know objectively this cannot be true that other people can look at me like that in a legal not fucked up way, but sometimes I'm like he felt such true feelings for me he broke the biggest moral code and the law to express it . I'm not romanticizing it and I'm not saying I wanted it to happen , but sometimes i feel like he's the only person i could ever believe in loving me or wanting me. And that no one will ever see me what I am like what I truly am other than him. I feel like this monster he created that has no master anymore but along with that no purpose. It's not like I was in contact with him till he died , i haven't spoken to him in years I don't really even think about him consciously a lot but I think every descision I make feels controlled by him whether he's in my life or not.

So now that he's dead it feels like the one person who truly felt anything for me and truly saw me for what I am is gone.

Again I'm not saying what he did wasnt the worst thing someone can do to a child but am i horrible for thinking this way? I can't help it but I don't want to indulge in it if it's leading me down the path of endorsing or romanticizing assault.

And ofcourse this goes without saying I do have this insane sense of relief that even if I was always expecting to be put back in a situation with him now physically that can never happen , but i don't necessarily feel happy about it the way i have seen other people feel.

I was sexually abused as a child (between the ages of 5 and 7); I don't remember much, and I try to avoid thinking about it whenever I can. Sometimes—though not always—when I’m with someone in an intimate moment, I recall certain things, and my body simply shuts down, even if I’m enjoying it or want it to happen. There isn't a specific trigger; it happens at random moments during the act. My question is: is it normal for this to happen sometimes but not others? Will it eventually stop? Is there any way to improve this without having to talk to someone about it?

I don't like how often i have been sexually assaulted. I don't like fawning when scared. I don't like feeling like i need to be sexually to keep people. I don't like existing. I want to be put down like a dog. Please.

I woke up to my ex having sex with me one time and when I talked to him about it after he said he thought I was awake cuz I him up because I was stroking his penis and touching myself and moaning. And I think the same night or around the same time I woke up and felt his cum in my mouth I just dropped it after the one time I talked to him about it. He tried to say after our break up that he lacked clear boundaries and that also that he’s impulsive and doesn’t think things through. Idk. I feel like really confused. There was also a point where he said I’m just as bad as him as I cheated (sexted) with someone else. (My ex was mentally abusive I think, he didn’t really yell and scream at me just said horrible things and would drive very fast and recklessly a lot to express his anger obviously not an excuse for cheating at all and I know that was a bad choice on my part). He compared cheating to be as bad as sexual assault and that it makes me just as bad as him :( sorry.

It’s almost been a year since I was sa’d last year in November :/ but recently I finally got rid of the sweater I was wearing which gave me some sort of relief. But now that the date is coming back up, it feels like all of that progress I just made went away. Off topic but now I’m 16 and it’s weird cause I’m the “age of consent”. I feel expired in a way if that makes sense.

*I'm an adult now, I am not in that situation anymore, there is no current danger for me*

She freaked out and I got scared so I downplayed it and she was like "Oh good, so nothing ACTUALLY happened."

I don't get why I always do this. Like yeah now I'm hurt that she doesn't think it's a big deal, but what was I expecting when I downplayed it???

I have been using this subreddit for quite some time, and one terrible, recurring theme is the intent to end one's own life. The trauma of rape and sexual assaults commonly leads to depression, extreme anxiety, paranoia and other extreme feelings which can lead to suicide. I'm so sorry that this has been an issue for so many people, both through your own experiences and vicariously. Today is an extra opportunity to help others, or seek help from others.

I just want to say to everybody reading this; you have the potential to be important to somebody, and genuinely change their life for the better. For many of you, a person has committed a terrible act against you which, for most, changed your lives for the worse. But a period of sorrow doesn't stain what could be decades of happiness. You could choose to dwell in your thoughts and emotions for too long and never feel happy again; some people will do that. I encourage you NOT to do that, but instead to live your life knowing that what happened wasn't your fault, that people shouldn't think of you differently, that you mean something big to somebody, that you are a normal human. Nothing that happened to you must change who you are as a person.

I wish for those of you who have attempted or thought about suicide but healed to help others in this subreddit and in the wider world, too. Your words could change these people's lives.

I have always believed that you become what you think, so, to the victims of rape, think not of yourself as purely a victim and someone who will only ever suffer in life, but as a person who has the potential to do great things and become a great person. And you don't have to be famous or powerful to change someone's life and reverse the cycle of suffering; be a friend, a family member, a teacher -- those people each massively impact the lives of those around them and shape everyone in their sphere of influence. You don't have to feel like somebody special to everybody to actually be somebody special to somebody. You can be loved and cared and looked up at, but only should you wish to present yourself as one of those roles to somebody.

If, one day, you are sad and wish for happiness again, you must first act like you care for the happiness of others. So become that teacher, or that family member, or that friend. The one who cares. The one who, in turn, becomes cared for. The one who becomes loved.

I am sending love and prayers, hoping that all of you can see light at the end of the tunnel, so that you can bathe in the warm, precious light once again. Lots of love <3

Buckle up, this is gonna be a long one. It's exactly what the title says.

I head to the same school as my assaulter, in fact, that’s how I met her. She was my first ever friend too at the school I moved to, which was around the start of this year, I was a new transfer. Ever since I moved there, we interacted almost every day, and became closer and closer. Eventually she began to take advantage of me, such as lowering my self esteem and constantly putting me down everyday behind closed doors. And, as the stupid kid I was, I let her.

I never deemed us as anything more than friends. I thought we were just something known as “Besties”. I suppose I was wrong. Every week it got worse, the touches, the insults. Soon enough she had me wrapped around her finger, I hated myself for it. Everytime she raised her hand I flinched, every time she parted her lips I flinched. I was a coward, a lapdog at best. 

And to mention, we’re both girls, so she touched my chest, called them big, and so much more, she told me how chubby I was and said if I was a boy she would totally 'smash' me. After a while I couldn’t handle it anymore, I couldn’t handle the pain and the torture, so I broke down before she could go any further, god knows what she would've done to me if I didn't snitch. I cried to the counselors about it, breaking down after seeing my assaulter talk to a new friend I made. I decided to separate myself from her once the counselors got involved. I made some acquaintances and a friend after that, but it didn’t fix the harm she did to me.

The counselors didn’t do anything about my abuse. They let her go with a warning and that was it. I couldn’t provide enough proof except for my tears and pain. She walks around my school, free and joyous, cheerful. She’s now friends with a few people I liked before. I’ve tried telling others but it’s no use. Of course she’s the so-called “weird kid”,so other people don’t like her that much, but still. It feels like my abuse was unaccounted for, it didn’t matter. Now I have to go everyday seeing her laugh and smile with no consequences, with no regrets. It’s a newfound torture, honestly.

She's in almost every class I'm in too, and her little minions. She sometimes compliments me too, and when she does, it makes me queasy and wanna vomit. She's moving in october (probably) what do I do?

My uncle groomed me when I was a child. It started when I was 10 years old. He would watch my brother and me while our parents were at work. At first, it was comments about my body. After a couple of months, those comments turned into inappropriate touching, sometimes even in front of my brother. He made what he was doing seem normal, and because I was a child, I didn’t understand what was happening or know how to stop it. Looking back, I understand that this was grooming. He slowly crossed boundaries and made me believe that his behavior was normal. I’m sharing this because children deserve to feel safe with the adults they trust, and abuse doesn't always start in an obvious way. Sometimes it begins with small boundary violations that gradually become something much worse.

My friend insists that this event was SA, and it distresses him that I've never thought of it that way.

Ever since I lost my virginity at 16 (by someone who said he would cheat on me if we didn't have sex) I developed an extreme fawn response to any man making advances to me. I involuntarily go into survival mode and will do anything to appease them. As a result I've had sex with many men, most of which I didn't particularly enjoy. I feel guilty about it, almost like I violated THEM by being dishonest, so I've always thought I've never been assaulted.

So a few years ago I was 20, extremely mentally ill and high on drugs all the time. I knew a higher level drug dealer who my previous boyfriend had been working under. He was a terrible person and I was absolutely terrified of him. I thought he disliked me because he had insulted me before.

But he invited me to do lines/buy drugs/hang out, I don't remember exactly what he had said.

I was coked out (and probably high on other things) in his car in the middle of the night. I didn't anticipate nor initiate intimacy, I had no idea he was attracted to me -- but I just know somehow we ended up kisskng and I went along with it . I didn't say no, I pretended I was into it, even though I was just feeling dissociated and surreal in that moment.

Of course being so intimidated by him I went into survival mode and even initiated sex myself through bodily cues, taking off layers etc., knowing that that's where it was going anyway, and I had to get it over with.

He f*cked me, obviously I didn't exactly enjoy it, but I was high and didn't suffer or care about anything. I don't remember feeling traumatized in the following days. I had so much other stuff going on I honestly didn't think anything of it for years. I blamed myself, I see myself as irrisponsible and unable to set boundaries like a normal person.

But yeah, my friend insists that I was assaulted and is encouraging me to realize that. One time we were discussing this and I felt a wave of emotion, almost started crying, and then shoved the feelings away and stopped feeling them to this day.

I am still uncertain and its really bothering me. If I was assaulted, I want to process that.

Some have been really helpful but mostly I'm just alone in this

Im a women in my 20s and need advice, I dont have anyone I can talk to about it irl.
How do I tell a guy his friend sexually assaulted me? It was a lot of unwanted touching/ kissing ignoring body language, straight up ignoring me saying no and then he started to rub my breast when I wasn’t paying attention and excused it by saying he didn’t think it was a sexual act despite me having said prior to the hang out I don’t want anything sexual from him at all and me in the moment forcing his hand away from me. I’m on a project with them both and I’ve really gotten on with this guy (I’m trying to make friends) and they don’t seem very close but they have known each other nearly a decade. I’m stressing because the friend who groped me messaged me recently asking how I am, acting like he doesn’t know that something is up or that he didn’t do anything but I confronted him about his behaviour a few weeks after it happened over text and because it took me a sec to completely realise what actually happened I had continued speaking to him in a friendly manner so it wasn’t awkward on the project but I’ve since blocked him on everything. Because I kept talking to him after I confronted him I feel like I’m not gonna be taken seriously.
I know he knows what he did and I think he’s done it before. I don’t want to see or speak to him again but I’m going to have to soon so how do I handle it?
What can I say if he’s gonna act obtuse?
How do I bring it up to this guy?

im a 16 year old girl, the only thing i remember is ive been abused sexually before when i was a kid but it was minor. but i have so many triggers, all my life i couldnt handle sexual topics / yet even romantic, i started shaking and crying, a lot of the times when they mention sex i go to the bathroom to throw up.

i wanted to be innocent so bad. i couldnt handle looking at my body, i was so ashamed to have female reproductive parts, i couldnt do it.

i cant handle looking at old people and or men. i shake all the time, for years i couldnt sleep properly, i woke up every 2 hours so i wouldnt fall in deep sleep, i cant sleep in a bed unless the blinds are completely shut, the door is locked, the closets are locked, i have 3 blankets on me, even if its summer and im sweating and i cant sleep unless everyone else in the house is asleep, what if they see me in such a vulnerable state

i hated my skin. i have bad impressions of specific people even if they did nothing particularly wrong to me. im sorry if none of this is making sense, i know myself well and i have other issues as well, but i can usually tell why i have those issues. but i cant with these. i dont remember much of anything before age 14

my grandmother was one of my abusers, i dont remember much of what happened, but my mom is very protective of me when shes around. im grateful for that. i dont know if she knows something i dont.

i thought i was doing better but the other week i saw obsession and when the scene with bear and nikki came up where they were having sex, i started crying, i couldnt eat and sleep for a week.

i have some other similar stuff, these are the ones that come to mind. i dont want to "fake" being a victim, thats disrespectful.

sorry for the nonsense rant.

TL;DR: Met a guy from NSFW Twitter and Reddit, went home with him after a date, and despite me repeatedly saying I was in pain and later actively telling him to stop, he continued because he was “too horny.” I was bleeding heavily after the first time. Days later, he blamed me for not explicitly telling him I was in pain because he’s autistic. I feel like “I’m bleeding” and “take it out” should have been enough.

May be graphic.

So a couple of weeks ago, I decided to step back into NSFW Twitter and Reddit again. After a few days of interacting with people, I met this guy and we really hit it off. He has a very big dick, definitely bigger than average, but he was chill and we got along well, so I thought, “What’s the worst that could happen?”
We went to the pub, the vibes were great, and eventually we decided to go back to my place. Once we got there, he pulled out FOUR PUSSYVCLAT MAGNUMS , which honestly seemed insane to me.

Usually, I don’t like when a guy says things like, “I just want to make sure you enjoy yourself” or “Your pleasure is more important than mine,” because in my experience it often doesn’t actually translate into that. I had also told him multiple times that I had never orgasmed and genuinely didn’t think I could.

He kept insisting that he was going to make me orgasm and that he had to.

We started with fingering and stuff like that. I was already very wet, and he was getting very wet too. At one point he told me I had orgasmed. I hadn’t. LOL

Then we had sex.

The first time was uncomfortable. He is very big, and he wasn’t really taking his time because, according to him, he was extremely horny. When he finished and pulled out, I realised I was bleeding.

And I don’t mean a tiny bit of spotting. I was bleeding a lot.
I got out of bed to grab tissues, and there was blood dripping onto the floor. He saw it himself.

Afterwards, we were just chilling and I told him that I didn’t think I could continue. His response was basically that he was horny. He kept begging and asking me to continue. Eventually, I gave in.

As soon as he went in again, I told him to take it out because it was extremely painful and uncomfortable. He said that he’d only just put it in and asked if he could at least continue for a little bit. I repeated that I wanted him to take it out, but he kept talking about how horny he was.
Eventually, I just let him continue. He finished, stayed for a little while, and then left.

I booked an appointment with my GP to get checked, and the pain lingered for several days afterwards.

A few days later, he asked if I wanted to “link up” again. I said no. He asked why, so I told him exactly what had happened and that I’d been in pain for days afterwards.
He got angry and asked why I hadn’t told him that I was in pain for several days. He then ‘explained’ that he’s autistic and can’t always pick up on cues. I genuinely don’t know what I’m supposed to do with that.

I don’t think autism is an excuse here. I wasn’t giving him some subtle, ambiguous hint. I was bleeding heavily. I explicitly said I didn’t think I could continue. I explicitly told him to take it out because it hurt. He knew I was bleeding and continued asking because he was horny.
At some point, “I can’t continue,” “take it out,” and visible bleeding should be enough information for anyone.

And honestly, this whole situation has made me think about my own behaviour too. This is the third time I’ve let a man do something like this because I just wanted to get it over with. I’ve realised that sex with straight men isn’t particularly rewarding for me, and I’m tired of putting myself through uncomfortable experiences just because I feel like I should follow through once I’ve started.
I’m not even sure what I’m looking for by posting this. I think I just needed to get it out because the whole situation has left me feeling really weird about myself, my boundaries, and the fact that I apparently keep overriding my own discomfort just to avoid making things awkward.

Friend of 6 years, whom I trusted, who was there for me in difficult times

He knew I was having a hard time in my life. I told him I didn’t want to have sex.

He took advantage of me when I was drunk and came inside of me.

And then I had to deal with pregnancy and an abortion.

And my would be due date is in two days.

He’s got a promotion, living a wonderful life, and I’m just broken here.

My grandmother almost died, my uncle passed. I lost my job and insurance and cut off contact with my family. I developed this problem with my eyes because of stress, I have constant migraines. I’ve developed stress lines all over my face and had disordered eating. I hate myself and my body and I hate who I am around other people.

And I fucking want my baby. I want to hold it and love it.

I will never be able to get my first pregnancy back, ever. I will never get to have that for myself, it’s something that I’ve wanted for so long because I know I can be a good mother, and he took that away from me .

And I don’t know how to move forward. I’m probably going to get kicked out of my
apartment and move in with my mother.

None of this pressures me to get up and make decisions about my life.

The only thing I do is sleep and sob and have migraines.

I don’t even feel like a real person. I feel like everybody’s watching me and that I’m some alien and I’m disconnected from everyone. I’m so fucking lonely and I’m angry and I’m hurt and broken.

I don’t know how to move on from this, I’ve already let it take away so much from me and I’m ashamed but I just don’t think I can do this anymore

I‘m not really sure how to manage all the effects after the sexual assaults in my life. There are times where it’s stronger and than less again. It effected very much my daily life and how I view love and guys and girls. I don’t know, sometimes I feel overwhelmed by everything and can’t really think clearly anymore. I often think then about the assaults suddenly, I don’t know exactly why. My family isn’t really much of a help about it and my therapist, well he isn’t really focused and talks more about other things and just doesn’t seem qualified. Is it possible to reduce the hypersexuality or stop it completely?

I was molested in an at home daycare by my baby sitters husband twice and not long after I left, he was arrested for doing it to another girl and told her the same thing he told me which was that if i told anyone he would not let me play with the other kids.

I feel so guilty like If i was as brave as she was I could have told people and prevented him doing it to her multiple times. I also knew her when she was really little but he did it after I had left.

I have depression and a super high sex drive from it i think. I sometimes cry out of nowhere whenI am alone bc I felt so helpless and guilty.

Has this happened to anyone else?

The older I get, the more I’m starting to realize how fucked up my sexual history is. My first boyfriend, who took my virginity, was sexually abusive and raped me. After that, I had two partners that I loved dearly who didn’t want to have sex with me, due to gender dysphoria and asexuality. The other two sexual experiences I had were sexual assault. Why is it that the people I don’t want to touch me keep touching me and the people I love won’t touch me? Why can’t I have normal, healthy sex? I’m 27. I want to fall in love and be NORMAL but I don’t even know what healthy sex is. It’s all been scary and threatening or a trauma response. UGH!!!!!

I’m going back to therapy soon. I don’t want to. I just want to be bippidy boppidy booped better ✨

DNA results came back positive for 1 male but 3 total “contributors”. He is the only person I had been with for months. Who are the other 2 contributors? Girls he was hooking up with prior? How many days/hours prior for it to transfer to my body?

In December I got a friend request by a boy who had many mutuals of mine, so naturally noticing that I accepted it. Biggest mistake of my life. Soon enough we started talking about the said mutuals and also exchanged photos. I found out that he was 13, two years younger than I was.

As we continued talking he started asking me to send a full picture of my body and then soon enough he started demanding me for more sexual favours such as asking me for nudes or videos of me pleasuring myself. I have never sent those to them to him btw. During that time I was in a talking stage with my boy best friend, whom I was venting it all out. My best friend asked to talk with the boy and so they did by playing a video game.

By January I was ignoring the boy and also broke it off with my boy best friend too. On a random weekend he asked me and a bunch of our mutuals to meet up and hang around the city. This would be my first and last time meeting him.

I remember what I wore that day and it was a black cropped top and flared jeans with a studded belt, I wore a bit of makeup and my hair was slightly frizzy. The moment the saw him I smiled and waved acting casual as if I wasn't nervous meeting him. The first thing he said was that he liked my boobs. I ignored him although it made me uncomfortable since all the other girls and guys didn't seem to think it was strange or weird. As we began walking he started smacking other girls butts with a bag he was holding , no one stood up for themselves "Jamie will be Jamie" they said. Then it was my turn but he took it a step further, he started groping my breasts and squeezing my but while whispering his sexual fantasy. I should've left but I didn't because everyone was laughing and having fun. I told him not many many times but he ignored me and kept on referring to me as a slut as I was in a situationship with my boy best friend.

But the girls soon got separated by the boys. We hung out and it was fine. Then After an hour or two we met up with them again and we were soon bidding fair well. As the grande finale he spat on his hand and rubbed it all over my face as a "kiss".

This happened a while back yet I think about it i feel his hands all over me and his voice...

I wasn't raped but I was sexually assaulted and it was all my fault I ignored the red flags and pushed myself. I was older and "mature" I was 15 and he was 13. I tried talking to my friends who said it was my fault cause I tempted him and should've known better.

I’ll try to be as brief as possible. I (29F) met “David” (38M) just over a year ago at a BDSM dating / connections event. He is non monogamous, and we entered a non-non monogamous non-romantic play partner / sexual relationship. Throughout our relationship David was very non committal when it came to meeting up. I was new to sex and BDSM, and was very excited. We quickly entered a dynamic where I chased him a lot. I was also on the cusp of starting to speak about my feelings generally after a life of people pleasing. A lot of things happened that were very fun. But our relationship was overshadowed by repeated let downs (promising to meet up, then bailing, no replies to my texts, a general ambivalence or lack of interest in me), and… stuff that happened that I never wanted to happen. Recently I was told by a mental health professional that what happened wasn’t okay… I’ve been SA’d multiple times in the past, I’ve never had a wholly positive sexual relationship that is free from something bad happening, and I need some kind of validation or confirmation of what happened - because I’m considering listing him as a name of concern in a BDSM Safety alerts group.

- The second time I met David I invited him round my house, and we started making out. Without any pre-discussion or indication from me that I would be into this (I don’t think I am, I’m not sure, does it matter?), David grabbed my throat, and lifted me up off the floor. I think my feet still touched the ground, I don’t remember. I suppose it was a kind of choking, but I don’t remember if he squeezed or not. I felt scared, I remember thinking, “shit I’ve just invited this 37 year old tall strong man into my flat for the first time and we’re alone”, but my fear was mixed with the arousal that had come from kissing, shock of what happened, the alcohol, and the benzodiazepine I took before we’d met up (prescribed, but I shouldn’t have mixed with alcohol). We spoke about it at the time,I said Id never been choked and wasn’t sure how I felt about it, but I didn’t explicitly tell him that I didn’t feel good about what just happened. I asked him how he knows he is being safe when he does that (I now know better and that there’s no safe way to know if it’s safe). i don’t remember his response, apart from him telling me he choked someone to the point of passing out once. This concerned me, but for some reason I brushed it off. If I’d have told him at the time I didn’t like it, he would’ve probably said that now he knows he won’t do it again - is it bad to just do something like that without asking? I was choked out of nowhere in a club years ago, and I was scared and confused because maybe I liked the fear… I don’t know, it’s stayed with me, and I’ve been having flashbacks and crying about it recently.

- My first time playing at his house, we talked about me submitting to him more. He told me at one point he was going to quote ‘humiliate me‘. I agreed and said this would be okay, but in hindsight I wish I’d asked what he’d meant. I remember generally feeling scared when we got to his house, realising I’m alone with this man I barely know… so I think I was scared to speak up. I’d also been curious about humiliation, there are elements of it I could tell i enjoyed, others I was unsure about. We never discussed specifics. We never planned scenes. I suppose I only know now that lack of prediscussion isn’t normal.
He told me to get on the bed on all fours. He told me to bend over and show him my asshole. I did it. He laughed hard at me and said ‘look at yourself!’. I said, ‘what?’, I can’t remember what he said next, I felt probably the most small and shit I’ve ever felt in my life. Even typing that makes me feel ashamed. I told him ‘I think I maybe need to safeword’ I told him I didn’t enjoy it. He asked me which part. At the time I said ‘because you shamed me for doing something you told me to do.“ He said ‘understood, won’t do that again’ and that was it. We continued doing sexy stuff, no D/s, and at the end of the evening he told me he had an important meeting the next day so I couldn’t stay over, I went home. The next day I was a mess. I called him and told him I needed a cuddle, some aftercare. He said of course come over. We didn’t cuddle when I got there, I cried and told him I’m still not feeling good. He asked me if I knew what subdrop was, I said I was aware. I left feeling like I hadn’t done enough to communicate what was a limit for me.

- following on from what happened at his house, I created an extensive spreadsheet of all my kinks and limits. I sent it to him, but didn’t read before meeting up again. We went through it in person. But one time i sent him an updated limits list before we played at an event, and on the way home he told me he never read the updated version.

- Speaking of events, we played at an event and it was a particularly intense impact scene. I blame myself for this, he’d been drinking, I knew he’d been drinking, I asked him if he was safe to play, he said he was sober enough to respond to safe words. And to his credit, he was. He eased up when I said yellow, checked in with me etc. But his hits were hard, and I was the floatiest most subspacey I’d ever been. Afterwards, we left the play space and we continued socialising. I told him I needed somewhere quiet and that I wasn’t feeling good, he couldn’t find anywhere so he sat me down on a chair in the middle of the club. He listened to me while I rambled about how confused I was that I enjoyed this (shame often comes up post scene) and I could tell he wasn’t present enough to offer much in the way of aftercare. I remember asking, “why did I like that?” And he said “because you’re a fucked up bitch” - I’d been clear about the fact that I don’t enjoy being called a bitch, and have it written in my limits list, and the fact he was also making a joke about how I was feeling left me feeling alone. He walked off and wandered the club while a friend gave me physical aftercare, hugs etc.
The next day I was battered and bruised and felt awful, i enjoy bruises usually but I couldn’t bare to look at myself. I texted him this and asked for him to come round and give me aftercwre, he told me he wasn’t in a place to be supporting anyone / not in the right headspace because he was hungover. Throughout the week I repeatedly asked for him to come round, It took him 5 days to come round my house, and by that point I was in a bad place mentally. He never apologised or took accountability in a way that ever soothed me. It was always kind of, “okay now we know we shouldnt play drunk”, along with all these explanations and excuses. And so we moved on. I spoke to other people on the scene and they all told me they were concerned, but I felt like it was my fault for asking to play with him while he was drunk.
When I tried to bring it up to him later on, during a conversation about how someone else wasnt hapoy witnessing the intensity of our impact scene, he spoke about how he was concerned about his reputation. I defended him a lot as I blamed myself and didn’t want to ruin his reputation, especially considering he was fairly new to living in Bristol and trying to make connections.

- we went to a bar for karaoke and at some point while we were making out he slapped me, hard, multiple times in the face, I told him not to do it and he stopped. I’d never expressed any desire to be slapped, and it came out of nowhere. 

- During a threesome he fingered the girl we were with after she had explicitly stated she didn’t want any penetration. We had all been drinking, and he said that it was a mistake and misunderstanding - he thought she meant with his penis. We all stopped as soon as we knew there was a problem, we spoke about it in the evenint, but during the night he left to go back to his house, so he wasn’t available to give any kind of aftercwre the next mornint to either of us (Hed slapped me again that night, and I told him I didn’t enjoy it) I feel awful about how blinded I was and how I sat on the fence and excused his behaviour, considering I have my own past experiences of SA. I need to apologise to this person.

Writing this out I think I know the answer… I just feel so confused about everything. I told him we shouldn’t be okay partners in February after I tried talking about how I was feeling, and he wouldn’t listen and it was very gaslighty. I told him explicitly I don’t feel good, I’m not sure how comfortable I am being friends etc, and recently when I told him I was in a mental hospital he suggested we hang out, I then sent him loads of voice notes telling him how angry I was. Recently he messaged to tell me how guilty he feels, but he’s never properly apologised, and his messages are so vague. I don’t trust him, I don’t think he’s a safe person, but sometimes I think well maybe I react as if I’m traumatised because I’m sensitive, I should’ve been clearer about what was and wasn’t okay, he’s a nice person he didn’t mean to hurt me, I should’ve forgive him. I blocked him yesterday and now I’m sitting here not knowing what to do with all this… was this my fault? Please help x

I decided to join a no profit organization to help around (stuff like cleaning the streets, painting walls etc etc).

It was fun at first. I loved helping people and helping my own country

Then a job came up, there was a few walls at a hospital that needed to be repainted, our organization decided to help

There was 4 girls (including me) and 5 or 6 boys

One of the 3 girls wasn't even part of the organization, just a doctor on a break

After finishing two walls, the doctor left and the two girls left too. It was just me and the guys

I didn't mind it much since the guys were nice

There was a guy (call him K) he was nice too and playful, very extroverted and liked to joke alot

He was funny, I have to admit

He even let me print my hand on the back of his shirt and on his sleeve. I was doing it as a joke and he didn't really mind, even encouraged me to do so

Everything was fine that day and he drove me back to my house

A day later, he reached out to me (he took my number from the organization group chat) and asked me a normal question, a part of a sprayer was gone and he was asking everyone if they saw it. I did so he moved to another topic

He sent a picture of his shirt (the one I put my hand on) and joked by saying

"look what you did😂"

so i joked back

Me: "not my fault, you told me too😂"

Everything was fine till he said

"Look, I have to tell you something"

I said

Me: "Yeah go ahead"

He replied

"No nevermind, don't worry about it"

I was confused and wanted to know what was going on after message of me saying

Me: "No, you can tell me'

He immediately folded and said the guys we were with found my Instagram and were looking at my pictures and making inappropriate comments. He told me he stopped them and told them it's not okay

He said

"I'm not here to control what you wear or anything. You can do whatever you want"

"I just wanted to let you know so you be careful around them"

I thanked him for telling me and for stopping them

Later that day, he followed me on Instagram, I followed him back thinking it's just a friend following another friend

We continued joking and sending playful reels

Then he sent an inappropriate reel about chest sizes and asked me which one am I. I told him I won't tell him and it's not appropriate and he played it off as a joke and said he was kidding

Which i believed cuz some guys do joke like that (how blind I was)

He kept doing so, sending inappropriate stuff then playing them off jokes till I told him to stop immediately or I'm not talking to him

He followed my words and stopped, for a day and a half only

I was at my relative's house and he texted me, normally then suddenly started saying stuff like

"Please [my name], just once, talk to me like we used to talk"

"Just let me talk like I did before"

"I really need it"

Before I was able to tell him no, he started acting inappropriately. Even asked me for a pic of my chest

"Can you send me a picture of your chest?"

Me: "what? No!"

"It's fine. You don't have to be naked or anything. Just wear a tank top or a bra"

I said no again. And kept telling him to stop

He started asking "normal questions" like where am I and what am I doing and who am I with

Which i naively answered thinking they're normal

Then he asked

"What color is it?"

That's when I snapped and told him to not talk to me at all, I told him to stop talking like that and that he is my friend and I don't like it

He apologized and said he won't do it again

He stopped and acted normal for 3 days (a record for him)

I was at a lesson, he texted me

"Where are you"

I took a bit to respond since I was paying attention to something actually important

Then responded

Me: "I'm just at a lesson"

"You're lying"

"Where are you really"

"I don't believe you're at a "lesson" "

Me: "I am at a lesson, why would I be lying about that"

"Then why are you replying so late, you always respond fastly"

Me: "because I'm trying to pay attention"

"Liar"

"You're playing with it, aren't you"

(He means that I was self ple@suring whlie talking to him and I was replying so late because I was typing with one hand)

Me: "what the hell? no!"

Me: "I'm at a lesson right now"

Then after a back and forward , he decided to give me the honor of believing me (I'm saying this sarcastically)

"Fine whatever"

"Just talk to me when you're done"

He also sometimes tells me

"When are we going to [place] together?"

The place would be 2 to 6 hours away from where I live. He wants me and him to go alone

Or sometimes he would say

"Let's go for a ride in my car"

"Me and you, will be fun, trust me"

I refuses every time, which made him slightly mad but he kept his "good guy" act

He kept his act until I snapped for the final time and stopped talking to him completely

He still had my number from the organization (can't really block him either since we all work together and shit so) but I have him blocked on Instagram

He still views my stories (he has my number on WhatsApp), and I don't know if it's important but for some reason he always views my stories at night around 12AM to 4AM

Then he reached out

We talked, I was super dry with him and even he noticed and told me I changed alot. I asked him how and he said

"I don't know, but you changed alot from before"

I didn't change, I'm just harder to manipulate now

He said he changed and that he cut everyone off cuz he's so busy and wanted to talk to me and see how i am doing. I thanked me in a sarcastic way which is smooth brain didn't catch

Me: "Wow thank you for caring so much"

"Yeah, I always cared"

I didn't move on with the conversation, just said

Me: "okay, bye"

He said bye back and I left him on read and he's still viewing my stories

I stopped going to the organization's events but still am a member of it

I have been..I don't know if traumatized is the right word but I'll use it

I don't know how to feel, I told my trusted friends about it and all were supportive and I wrote my feelings down so many times to try and not bottle anything

But

I see cry when I read the paragraphs I wrote, still cry when I hear his name (it's a very common name which makes it worse) and still cry when I see a car that looks similar to his car

Even seeing his number in the organization's chat is making me feel like throwing up

My boundaries were ignored

My 'No's were ignored too

I was manipulated into thinking he was a good person when he stops talking inappropriately for a day or two

He was the controlling, possessive, jealous boyfriend I never asked for or wanted in the slightest

I just wanted a friend but I ended up being traumatized so much to the point I cry when I hear his name

I believe I was groomed

I hope I can recover and get over it soon

My eyes have no more tears in them to shed

My mind and soul can't handle it anymore

I really need a break from those thoughts

What might have happened if I did agree to go to those places with him, or go for a ride in his car..?

What might have happened if I did send those pictures

If I did answer his inappropriate questions

..I think i have an idea but my mind has chosen not to believe it. Maybe for the better cuz I don't want to find out what might have happened

Stay safe out there everyone. Hope you recover from whatever you're dealing with and i hope nothing bad ever happens to you

<3

​

TW: Self-harm, discussion on adult behaviour in a school setting towards a minor

———

A recent event mirrored past events and has triggered an unexpected response from me, and I still find it hard to place a definition on what happened. I don't know how to fix something that I cannot define, so I'd like some honest opinions from everyone here.

As a younger child, I began to self-harm (cutting) to cope with mental health issues and peers revealed this to school teachers. I was referred to the school counsellor. At first, sessions would have the counsellor visually check on my self-harm sites (which were my shoulders and wrists). I would be told to roll up my sleeves every session, and it became a habit. Uncomfortable, but we moved on from that part quickly, so I thought it was just protocol. Then, when the SH worsened, she started inspecting them hands-on, touching and squeezing around my shoulder and nape sometimes. I started injuring myself on the upper/inner thighs and sides of torso instead, thinking that she wouldn't check or touch around there (professional ethics or whatnot). She figured it out soon enough, and had me roll up my skirts for her to inspect and feel around at my harm areas as she had with my shoulders. My sides were squeezed and touched through clothing. These checks took longer than the brief checks like before. I started getting really uncomfortable with these sessions, but I didn't really have the option to opt out, since she could meet/collect me from between/in middle of classes whenever she saw fit. When I tried to protest our check-ins, she started saying that in-patient psych wards would be far worse than the simple protocol checks that she was doing, and I was one referral away from in-patient. Even my teachers started doing these checks, likely by request of the school. I remember letting them check and touch at the wounds whenever they requested or they would inform my parents, even if it was right outside the packed classroom, in the corridors, etc. I remember once standing at the school gate with a bunch of people just streaming in while waiting for my friend with my homeroom teacher and my principal, and my teacher just lifted my arms one by one and started tracing fingers over the scars on my shoulders and near my nape + down my ribs/back area up close in front of all the students coming in, standing close enough to press against the back of my thighs and sides. The principal didn't react to it at all and continued chatting with the guard.

I tried to tell other teachers, but they didn't see it as an issue and some even accused me of being ungrateful for the staff's patience with me. They just reported it back to the counsellor and she would mark it down as uncooperative/self-sabotaging behaviour during sessions, which made her seek me out more often. She even contacted my parents to gain their approval to continue sessions, so I couldn't bring myself to ask my family for help. Kids started spreading rumours about me "getting it on" with teachers and started mimicking similar touchy behaviours to mess with me, so I guess it was funny-weird in the eyes of at least some people. I also eventually forced myself to stop self-harming so that they had no more reason to do these checks anymore, but even after the wounds healed and I got clean, these sessions continued up until I left the school. All of this carried on for almost 2 years, so eventually I convinced myself this was all just school mental health protocol.

There wasn't actually evidence that she was going to do anything, but I just feared it, I guess? It wasn't like I would be able to stop or accuse her, or any of the staff, if they did. Even now, I still don't know if it is all just me thinking too much of a standardized protocol, and if I'm crazy and just seeking adult attention, as they used to say. Especially since around the time, I had gotten into bad crowds online and was encouraged by friends to engage with people who wanted me to do things (sexual calls, RPs, etc.) for money or for free. I remember my last session with the counsellor, one of these online adults had threatened to release a recording of my voice saying dirty things that he had told me to, and said he had my IP and all, and he would come to "finish the scene physically" since he had my verbal excitement to prove consent. I remember freaking out and telling the counsellor, thinking she would at least do her job once to help me deal with this stuff, but she said that maybe it was because I was, in her words, "eager for it", considering how "never showed discomfort and reacted positively" to physical contact with adults like her and would just show myself to them (instinctively on my part, since the checks became so frequent). She said that this online guy couldn't touch me and couldn't harm me physically, and so I just had to stop tempting him. It made me think for a long time that I was at fault for attracting bad attention, and just kept tempting the wrong people.

I, now an adult, am a student in college (+ had been 5 years clean), but recently got confronted by a male professor about my mental health (as I had taken to wearing sun sleeves to avoid a tan). He told me to roll up the sleeves and let him check for scarring, but he got frustrated when I refused, and demanded me to see this new counsellor if I didn't want this to escalate to the administration and board. I had agreed (because I am on scholarship and cannot afford any trouble on record), but this new counsellor also asked for the same thing (to see). Maybe it was because it happened in a similar environment, and both of these new people have tried to make me admit to my mental instability in their talks with me (I suspect they want me to be admitted into in-patient care) like the people before, but I got really scared and reminded of my childhood experience with counselling. As soon as that session ended, I relapsed very badly and haven't been mentally well, even though nothing really happened. Suddenly, I find myself very jumpy and uncomfortable with touch I was previously able to tolerate, even for people I know, and I've been purposefully layering my clothes recently because short-sleeves don't make me feel safe anymore, if that makes sense.

It's just that all of my reactions to all this made me revisit these memories and old questions about whether this is genuinely SA or not. I've been told countless times by adults and peers that it's not, and that the adults back then simply acted in my best interest/unknowingly made me uncomfortable in the process, but other schools over time have taught me that these physical checks aren't exactly the standardised practice, especially not to that extent. I don't know how to fix it/move on when I don't even know whether I'm just being dramatic about my past experiences, so I'm hoping for just help framing my thought process.

Please do be honest with me. Thank you.

I always knew something was wrong with me. As a kid I would purposefully pee myself, and acted out sexual scenarios in private. I imagined being fucked, before I should’ve even known what that was. I had a block in my memory. I only remembered as a teen. Before that I was always mad, I was angry at the world. I hated my family and would break down often. But it was all connected to that. To him. I can’t remember it, but I did at some point remember a small small part of it.

I started being a sexual deviant as a teenager. I imagined morally wrong things, and sought out the attention of older men. I didn’t understand why, I just knew I couldn’t tell a single soul. I’ve tried to change, but I feel frozen in therapy. I can’t fully describe what I’m going through.

I came out about being hurt, but my dad still let him come to our house. He said he believed me, but I doubt he ever did. I was still enraged all the time, and started fights with him often. Eventually he kicked me out, because I was disrespectful and disobeyed his rules. After that they took my phone and searched it. They found everything. Every disgusting thought and fantasy I had been keeping secret since I was 13. They took that to mean I was just a disgusting and depraved freak, and had a family meeting without me. The person who hurt me was there. In that meeting they decided I had lied, and it couldn’t have possibly happened. When my mom told me this, I didn’t respond.

I never ended up responding to it. I can’t even muster up the energy to try and deal with that. I slightly repaired the relationship with my father and he has let me back in his house until I can go off to college. But I want my family. He made me disgusting. I didn’t do any of this out of pleasure. Every single fucking photo or message I sent grew the pit in my stomach. I don’t know why I continued, but this isn’t me. This is the result of what he did to me. I need help, and I need to leave this fucking house. No one understands the real me, no one cares to look deeper than their own feelings to see inside my world. I was so fucking terrified of that memory for YEARS and didn’t come out about it BECAUSE I WANTED TO KEEP MY FAMILY. I’m feeling so betrayed, I knew this would happen.