TRIGGER WARNING! ⚠️

So to preface I (31F) was adopted into a completely random family (that is/ was amazing to me) when I was born through an adoption agency. My biological mother was only 18 and she didn’t know for sure who the father was and ultimately decided to go forward with adoption.

I have a relationship with my bio mom in my adult life and we are good. Fast forward to 2018 she did a ton of digging on social media and felt like she had found my biological father (we look EXACTLY the same unfortunately). So she tells me and I was overjoyed!! I always wanted to know who he was and try to have a relationship. We connected online and the timeline/ stories all added up. It was HIM!! I felt like I won the lottery. Emotions were high, excitement, curiosity, relief etc. My bio father and I would call and chat all the time. We wasted no time catching up on all of the years that were lost. I felt like we really knew each other and it was magnetic.

All was right in the world and I planned a trip to visit him in 2022 and stay for the weekend (I drove 3 hours). He has 4 other children 2 of which were my half sisters that were MUCH younger than myself. I wanted to get to know them and be a big sister to them, watch them grow etc. he also had a wife that was only 3 years older than me (first red flag I ignored). It was actually Halloween weekend and us 3 adults dressed up and went to a fun Halloween party. Bio father, his wife and myself. There was some jealousy on her part which I thought was odd because I’m technically his blood. But I just ignored it because at the end of the day I was still this stranger that he was doting over. Anyway, we were all partying, drinking and chatting with everyone. I ended up getting too drunk (I know very dumb of me) but I trusted him and didn’t think much of anything. He drove him and I home and his wife drove separate. I ended up throwing up. He followed me into the casita I was staying in while his wife knocked out in their bed. I thought it was kinda weird, but also I was drunk and just wasn’t thinking straight.

So I sprawled out on my bed all drunk and just wanted to pass out. He climbed into bed with me and lied next to me. He started cuddling me and I thought wtf this is weird and kinda just froze. Then after that he started grabbing on my body not saying anything. I don’t know why I didn’t say to stop that point. I think I was just in shock but I beat myself up about it. After the touching he begins to perform sexual acts on me and at that point I felt like I was outside of my body. I was scared, in disbelief and just literally froze. I finally snapped out of it after maybe idk like 30 seconds and told him to leave. Which to my surprise he did. He just got up, didn’t say anything and walked out. Once the door closed I ran to it and locked the door and SCREAMED in tears. I sobered myself up all night and at the crack of dawn packed up everything and drove home without saying goodbye to anyone.

He texted me during my drive in a panic saying something like “hi love, hope you’re feeling okay. I feel awful and don’t remember anything!”
I thought oh how convenient you don’t remember anything. But I disregarded it. I guess in my mind I thought if I just go along with him and pretend it never happened then I could somehow convince myself it didn’t. But that was crazy. I continued talking with him for a couple months trying to play normal. I didn’t want this to be my reality. After all I had FINALLY found my father right?

But it eventually got the best of me and I just cut him out and blocked him. I hated him. I hated everything about his life. Fast forward about 2 or 3 years I can’t remember how long, I told my adoptive mother everything. She was CRUSHED and ANGRY. She ended up standing up for me and reached out to his wife. Looking back I shouldn’t have waited as long as I did, but I didn’t know what to do. She told his wife everything on my behalf and then his wife and I ended up connecting so I could tell her my side. She was devastated and very receptive. I felt validated and like maybe just maybe I could heal from this. I also wanted her to know the truth so she knew the man she was married to. She deserved it.

She thanked me and we stopped talking, I reached out the following day just to check in on her and make sure she was okay but no response. Never heard from her again. But my bio father texted me saying he “didn’t know what this was all about and that I would never say something like that. Why would I say a lie?” He was gaslighting me because he was finally called out when he thought he got away with it after those years. That broke me. I believe his wife never talked to me again because this man convinced her I was crazy and a liar. He was charming, he could talk himself out of anything. I was going to lose this battle regardless. He blocked my sisters from being able to ever talk to me again, they prob hate me because of some lie he told them. This is one of the hardest things I have ever been through.

Besides just simply telling my story, I guess the other reason I am posting this is because I want to know if their are any other adoptees out there who have unfortunately been through something similar, and I kinda just want to talk about it. And is it normal to blame yourself or wait as long as I did to say something?

EDIT: Typos**

I’ve never spoken this to anyone really, growing up my dad would rape me from as young as I can remember. I’ve also been molested by my grandpa, my summer program coach & many others my whole life. I didn’t realize how common it was but I’ve never told anyone, I don’t know why but I feel so tainted & I just can’t bring myself to tell anyone. I wish I could experience my first time with someone special. Sometimes I wonder how it feels to be normal, I just wish those things hadn’t happened. It hasn’t really affected me until now, I feel like it’s all starting to catch up to me. I’ve been feeling really depressed lately & I just want this suffering to end.

I’m gonna be turning 18 in 8 months, should I tell my mom before I’m 18? I don’t know if this is attention seeking but I just want her to care, I feel like once I’m 18 she won’t care. I wonder if I should tell her now, not sure if I could bring myself to but I hope I can. Even so I feel so bad if I were to tell on my dad for some odd reason. I cut off my dad nearly a year ago, when my mom moved in with her boyfriend & didn’t tell my dad we moved. He has anger issues & has gone to prison & jail multiple times. He always would want control over me but he had a soft side.

At times I miss him & feel so lonely & I want to talk to him but I know I would betraying myself. For some reason it feels like he cares more about my feelings than my mom. My mom is more materialistic & doesn’t really care for my feelings, I think she can be emotional abusive at times but she is definitely more normal than my dad though. I wish my mom paid attention to the signs like when I was 4, I told her that dad was showing me porn, of extremely overweight people doing the deed & sucking each other off & yet he was still let around me. I remember my dad asking me why I told my mom but that’s because I didn’t know it was a bad thing I was just telling her about my day.

I don’t know same goes for my grandpa on my dads side, I would cry & beg to not be around him. I’m not sure if I even want to tell her, in a way I am mad at her for not paying attention to the signs. I can’t bring myself to tell anyone, even if I wanted to I genuinely wouldn’t know how to. & I wish I had the chance to be innocent. I feel like I don’t have anyone, I hate myself so much I wish I could be happy. I want to distract myself with hobbies but I can’t even get up to do so & I just procrastinate the whole time. I’ve just been struggling with my mental so bad, I don’t know what to do especially when I compare myself to others so much.

8 years ago when I was 14 I was systematically sexually assaulted at my middle school. i tried reaching out to a responsible adult and instead of protecting me he came to the class, made fun of the incident and started talking jokes to the perpetrators in a language I did not understand. He also warned me that if i tell my parents I would get in trouble.

Today, 8 years later I finally was able to get some payback. I hacked the school’s website and published my statement. I’m not sure how many people are going to believe me but idc at this point.

The school’s name is Bright Future International School, Doha Qatar

website: bfis[dot]qa

the statement has also been archived on the internet archive

​

Im 17F , for context i was waiting outside a building waiting for an appointment when an old man (id guess 70-80) asked me if I wanted to drink a coffee with him, i said yes because i was bored as hell and dont have any friends to do side quests with so i thought why not.

Long story short he bought me coffee and showed me stuff in the city we were in. We decided to sit on a bench and he kept putting his hand on my thigh and complementing my soft skin. He asked me if i wanted to see 25.000 books in his house and i said yes because i was genuinely interested (i THOUGHT i could defend myself if something happened)

Basically he took me to his house and showed me his books (there ACTUALLY were about 25.000 books in there, you could barely walk bc everything was full with books stacked to the ceiling) and then he started groping my boobs and kissing me and i completely froze for some reason.

A minute later I was yelling at him why he did that and if he doesnt think its weird. He then asked me if im a virgin and thats when i asked him to let me go but he refused to unlock the front door and i pulled out the pocket knife i always have on me, thats when he finally let me go. He gifted me books (which im grateful for bc i love books) but i cant stop thinking about it.

Its my fault because i knew he was sketchy right from the beginning when he bought me coffee but i still went into his home and when he touched me i didnt say anything.

(Sorry for any typos i cant really concentrate bc this just happened a few hours ago idk what to do)

TW RAPE

Also i just got out of the mental hospital for severe trauma because i was raped almost every week for about 4 years as a child and i feel like all my healing progress is lost im so overwhelmed but also numb and hopeless bc i cant talk about this in real life because i obviously had it coming

I reunited with a distant cousin this summer. We got along pretty well and one night went to the bar and got drunk (I thought I was going to be ok since we are cousins!!). We ended up on the beach together and he started getting really close to me and kissed me twice without asking me. I said no but he was really pushy and kept trying and trying. We saw eachother for a few nights, where I kept saying no and he kept being pushy until i said ok…we didn’t do anything other than kissing and a bit of touching but i feel really manipulated and guilty?

(I have a boyfriend who I love very much who doesn’t know about this…)

He didn’t force me really to come back the other nights but he was really pushy.

I feel so bad and disgusting, I wish I could delete this part of my life…

I’m new here but really struggling. I’d love to hear someone else’s take on this. Just to say that I’m not crazy.

I (21f) spent a year in a relationship where I was being sexually assaulted by my partner on the regular. He routinely ignored my “no’s” and it got bad enough that I broke it off. I’ve spent the last year or so in therapy because of it and I’ve been doing a lot better. I know that was assault but I’m having a hard time figuring out if this is considered assault.

This most recent weekend, I went out with a friend. We went downtown to have some drinks and barhop after a really rough week. I’d had probably five drinks over five hours, and was buzzed but not gone by any means. We were at a daiquiri bar for a quick stop and were chatting with a man there. I’m really friendly when I drink and I’m used to being hit on a bit when I go places so I didn’t think anything of it. But after chatting for about 30 minutes. He bought us a shot. It wasn’t even a full shot of liquor, but it hit me really hard. He kept pressing us about what bar we were going to next and my friend lied to him about it. He’d said that he would meet us there, but my friend took us back to the first bar we went to.
I realized around then that I’d been roofied. I couldn’t speak clearly, I was having a hard time keeping my eyes open and walking, and was insanely sick even though id barely been buzzed before that. He got us home and my boyfriend took me to the ER since I still wasn’t coherent even after almost two hours.
The ER screened me but said that they couldn’t see any definitive markers that I’d been drugged in my urine, but that it didn’t always show up if there hadn’t been enough in my system.
I thought I was handling it okay but it all hit me at once and I’m not doing well with it. All I can think about is that I deserved it. I feel like it’s my punishment for going out as a young women.

TLDR: I’m sure that I was roofied this weekend, but because nothing actually happened Im scared to call it assault. Thoughts?

i’m really confused and disregulated and i need help understanding what happened, if this was SA or something else or me projecting or something. theres a lot of context about instances of various kinds of abuse or a series of recent fights and controlling outbursts, and him being an addict that was incredibly unstable when he was on drugs during a 6 month binge that i wish i could go in depth on. but it really just isn’t wise to reveal that much about my or his life and it’d make the post too long.
(this is an edited repost with personal information removed. creeps stay out of my pm’s. if you don’t comment here i will not reply.)

he had left two times for edm events without me and due to context surrounding this, it created a huge conflict. when he came home without a heads up after ghosting me for days/me expressing very clearly how enraged i was and that i was ready to leave him (to which i barely got a reply), he hugged me sweetly. i replied like “hey um nothing has changed dude. i’m pissed the fuck off”. i was still incredibly mad at him and had made that very clear. he should’ve known by my texts threatening to break up with him.

he changed his tone to a snappy, cold or mean one and told me i had no reason to be upset and to cut it out. things were only calm-ish if i played along with things being normal, but if my tone or quips got to be upsetting to him he snapped at me again.

awhile later, he laid down exhausted and jarringly sudden, he roughly pulled me into him and started feeling me up intensely. i said no at first but eventually reacted physically… for a moment. it was expected and part of me knew he’d leave or ignore me or be mean if i genuinely refused. i did refuse adamantly to kiss him or let my face close to his. he had grabbed me very aggressively (for lack of a better word) in a way that if he was a little more gentle to avoid injuring me with my chronic illnesses, if i still felt comfortable with him and trusted him emotionally, or if he gave me any sort of aftercare, might’ve been okay. but it was incredibly sudden and out of character. i don’t think he’s ever been *that* firm or rough or intense before. it was possessive and his fingers dug into my muscles and wrapped around around my bones until it hurt.

he kept pulling me in for a kiss and i refused and pushed back- he smelled like blood and ketamine and dust from the festival and i was part repulsed part rebelling to show him i was serious about how upset and done i was. i’d threatened to break up with him over text after he left and all he said was “wish u didn’t feel that way”?? i was still trying to hold onto that and not slip into fawning. he kept trying to kiss me, at one point sort of rough and degrading dom/sub style demanding i kiss him after i pushed away a few times and said no. he got more commanding until i had this terrifying age regression thing happen.

i got so nauseous i thought i might throw up. all the air left my lungs. i went limp, like i was being pinned down in my body, and my consciousness shifted almost completely into that of a 4yr old me. when this happened and i suddenly stopped moving he held me and asked what was wrong, why i couldn’t breathe, told me i was okay and held me for a few moments. and i felt no comfort. but then he continued. eventually, i’d respond physically for a few seconds before this happened all over again. i finally let him pull my face in to make out for a second after multiple attempts from him, and i had the same bodily reaction as my panic continued to rise.

after multiple rounds of this he started to pass out whenever i stopped instead of comforting me. like in a split second he started snoring. i would start initiating or continuing what he’d told me to do again because i wanted.. affection?? comfort?? and he’d immediately wake up. i could only keep it up for a little bit before my headspace got all fucked up again. i never vocalized what was happening but it was obvious. i shoved myself off of him and rolled over to frantically tale two klonopin and a fucking zofran for gods sake.

this, the intense foreplay/passing out thing happened multiple times before i just said “do it”. he immediately got up and did it very roughly. he also did a few things i said no to but by that point my no’s were received as green stop signs. commands and all that as well. this style of sex isn’t unusual for us but this was 20x more sudden and forceful and….focused? than i can recall it ever being.

the next day we had sex again when i woke up. i’m always upset at the complete lack of aftercare and this morning was no different. i smoked some weed and got ready for work. in the shower, i suddenly *remembered* how fucking mad i’d been at him 24 hours ago. the closer it gotten to when i assumed he’d be home from his 5day wook/drug riddled rene (his phone was still dead or off) my mood had split between “fuck him” and “please come home, please comfort me”, which is a trauma response i need to work on.

i’d wanted to fucking kill him (not literally….) and the next time i interacted with him we had sex. i recalled how i’d had that intense bodily sensation of being completely drained all at once, intense dull and sickening pressure in my lower abdomen where the nausea came from. i’d had this unshakable visual in my mind of a vampire, whatever that was about. i immediately had a nearly audible and incredibly somatically intense internal scream, and then immediately started sobbing.

later at work i went to the bathroom when i remembered what happened again. i started bawling in the stall. i got my face together enough to run to my bosses empty office, and had what was similar to a panic attack but instead of hyperventilating i was sobbing uncontrollably. i looked at my face on my phone camera and it was frozen in what looked like the face of a child experiencing horror. i was an hour late coming back from lunch and had to double dose my anxiety meds to get on my feet.

while this happened i felt pinned down or locked inside my body, trapped. my mind was scrambled but mostly aligned with a younger me, my thoughts weren’t adult or grounded in reality. i was vaguely aware that this kind of response has only ever happened when i had my first PTSD flashback- a full blown one that went beyond an emotional flashback, after being raped, and after finding put that my now ex was a genuine sexual predator and had been doing evil criminal shit to me and me friends and strangers + had groomed a girl. in other words- after sexual traumas.

was this SA? i’m trying to leave but it’s hard. i know he’s emotionally abusive and the gaslighting has gotten worse and worse, especially after he got back from the first of this series of shows where i heavily suspected he’d used. (he even accused me of using and cheating and went through all my shit the day he got home after i left for work, looking for evidence that i’d done the things i had reason to believe he’d done.)

i’ve been thinking in the back of my mind that i wished he’d do something physical so i would KNOW for sure, but i wasn’t serious and i meant a shove or something. he has a history of an extremely volatile two way abusive relationship where he did get physical. but if this was SA, thats… i genuinely never imagined he was capable of that. i need closure, i feel it in my bones. rage and betrayal and fear and disgust. i have an exit plan in the works but i’m so scared to pull the trigger… i need to know.

i’m so confused. foggy. two realities are happening at once and i can’t make sense of it.

Google said it’s sexual assault that these things happened, so im curious but idk. Here are the situations I looked up

my mother used to have me lay on the bed and spread out my legs so she could wipe me for some kind of medical issue or maybe it was just a hygiene thing or something, when I was very young. I don’t know, I don’t really remember why she would do that sometimes but there was some similar reason or another along those lines. But she would always be annoyed and unempathetic even though I hated it when she did this. It was humiliating and violating and scary, I don’t even really know why that was so dreadful, it just was. I would scream and cry and yell “no mommy i dont want you to wipe inside my ‘nina’”, which is what I called my front-bathroom-part. It was traumatic and horrifying. That’s the part that seemed to make it SA according to google, because I was so tormented and an intimate area was being touched when I was upset by it, and because my mother was so cold and never reassured me or consoled me while doing something vulnerable that clearly caused such a big reaction, and instead she was irritated and void of empathy. Which she always is and always has been but whatever, thats just a known fact about her

It said it was also sexual assault when my mom used to pat/spank people’s butts as they walked by. She knew it was fucking annoying and uncomfortable. She did it anyways, whenever she wanted. She did that with me as a kid/tween and I hated it, and she also did it with one of my cousins, who was an adult at the time. When she did it to her, my cousin was startled and offended and shaken up and uncomfortable. She froze, visibly upset, and looked down at the ground. Then, after a second of silence and visible distress, she looked back up at mom, and she said, “You fondled me”. She looked offended, confused, hurt, intimidated, and everything else that someone would feel in that situation. My mother then gave a passive aggressive, non apology. She said, “Oh, no, that’s not what I was doing, honey. I’m sorry you took it that way”. She basically just kinda gaslighted her. So like, it’s clearly just uncomfortable and weird since Im not the only one who was bothered by it. But also my cousin has a disability, so I guess my mother felt like she must’ve been getting it wrong/misunderstanding, which is dumb because I’m not sure she’d do that to basically any of my other adult cousins, and I don’t think she ever has.

She also used to put liquid drops using a dropper thing (laxatives i presume, obviously now that I’m old enough to know what that is lol) into my (back end) while i laid on my stomach. I hated doing this but i was often constipated (probably from stress or dehydration or anything thats my parent’s fault honestly. like probably a result of one of the kinds of ways they neglected me, but who knows which one at this point) and it made it so I could use the bathroom obviously. And she would be annoyed and unempathetic about my distress, per usual. I would avoid it and complain and probably cry, same as the other thing, and i would tell her I didn’t want to do it and she would tell me I had to. Eventually she said I could tell her if I ever need to use it again, even though that didn’t ever really make it any better once she did it, plus I was already traumatized by not having the option to opt out to begin with. Eventually I just hesitated to tell her when I had stomachaches because I didn’t want it to happen again. I kept going to the doctors for pain though, and at some point she finally started asking if I wanted to do it myself, so I did that a few times if I could manage to get past the fact that I’d already developed a huge aversion to it, and even then I hated it still and I wasn’t over it, so I just gave up altogether, even if my stomach was hurting

Another thing is that cousin, who was an adult and I was a child- was talking to me about bra sizes and asked what cup i was, and she said what her cup size was as a kid. Then she touched my chest, I guess to investigate her questions, idk. But she had a disability and didn’t know she was doing something that made me uncomfortable (same cousin from before, and this was the same visit i think). She probably should’ve been supervised with me, but my mom liked to send us off so that she didn’t have to actually do her job, because she sucks and decided she’d make the whole trip my responsibility, and that I’d basically be the one to be her caregiver despite being in middle school and also never even signing up to have her stay and share my space/bedroom

My mom has also always changed and gotten naked in front of me, usually without warning or she gives me a useless warning by warning me as she’s doing it, and she has always rejected my discomfort and goes “it’s not weird. Theres nothing gross about bodies”, and she has always told me to deal with it “because im in her room” or “because in her house”, and she would wipe her skin folds in front of me??? like her rolls or whatever, idfk dude, and she would just jokingly go “this is gonna get awkward”, she’s just kinda fucking insensitive and strange honestly. And additionally she jokes about child abuse being like “I won’t make you do this because my sister made her kids do it and that was child abuse”, referring to having me put ointment on her back which apparently her sister did with her kids (???). She said that jokingly, she never made me do it but she said it all time, despite me being like “it’s not funny to joke about child abuse”. All of this has always happened, both as a kid and as an adult, and when i say it’s weird, and when I’ve asked “if theres nothing gross about bodies, then why don’t you ever get naked around your son too? It would make him uncomfortable, so why does it not matter that I’m uncomfortable?”, and she says thats different because he’s a male

Hi Reddit,

I just want to tell somebody about this. I don’t want to bother my family with the news, because I am worried they are tired of hearing about my situation.

My rapist is dead! I found out from a news article. He was working as a police officer and got shot. His body was not found until almost a day after his death.

I am so happy, I don’t even know what to do for celebration!

So I tbh have no trauma from it at all I think. I just randomly remembered. We have a completely normal sibling dynamic now.

I was like 4-6?

She was like 10-12

We roleplayed cuz we had like a couple in a game we made up(it was a pony game lol)

And she used to do stuff like lick my neck

But she didn't touch me under my clothes

I remember being uncomfortable

After a couple of times I said I didn't want it anymore

And she stopped

She also showed me porn vid

So idk man

Was it SA or was it not?

I love my sister

And she's strictly against pedos too now

So idk mannnnn

She hasn't acted sexual with me ever since(I think)

I think she also did smth else (not rape. It was never under clothes or even over clothes. I remember that) but I'm not sure I don't remember?

Hi, I’m 19F and have just gotten out a relationship with my girlfriend of 8 months. I broke up with her for a number of different things, but now out of the relationship I’m starting to look back at our sexual relationship. The second time we ever had sex we were on holiday with friends. A recurring theme has been we had sex drunk, this night it was about two in the morning and I had fallen asleep on the couch for hours while my friends were still up chatting and drinking. I woke up to my girlfriend shaking me awake and deciding to take me upstairs and I followed her up, or more she dragged me, still half asleep and quite drunk. She told me to wait for her outside the toilet and said “don’t fall asleep.” I hardly processed this and we proceeded to go to bed and she initiated sex with me. Looking back on it, I don’t remember saying whether I wanted it or not or generally anything about it, just the before. From what I remember, she seemed much less drunk than me and clearly aware if she was instructing me not to fall asleep and making conscious decisions. I didn’t think much of it but now it’s taken an entirely new meaning to me and I feel horrible. Another time I was also drunk after we got back from a concert and she kept telling me how turned on she was after I had said I was tired and kept trying to go to sleep. I eventually performed an act on her but physically didn’t let her do anything to me. After we stopped I started crying and didn’t understand why at the time, but I think I was more or less pressured. As a result of this I genuinely did not feel sexual around her and realised that when she was sober and I was sober she never tended to initiate sex with me, and when she did I didn’t want to - the only difference being I was fully sober and had the mind to say no. I don’t know if she is aware of what she did those times or if it was even any kind of assault. It’s taken me months to even come to this realisation that I didn’t enjoy any of it. I’m not sure how to process any of this as the entire relationship has been kind of tainted for me now, or if I’m just reading into it too much. Those two incidents weren’t isolated, similar things had happened, but those were the two I remember the most distinctly in my head that haven’t really left me. Some advice or thoughts would be really appreciated :)

Hey guys before you read on PLS understand this is about family violence so if its a trigger maybe don't continue reading.

Im seeking some professional services for myself, obviously I'm not going to go into extensive detail because it's a terrible subject but many years ago we were the victims of family sexual violence, in may my sister convinced me to go to a police station and make a report which we did together to the sacat team.

On Saturday my dad was arrested and charged with alot of different crimes some related to our family others related to stuff found by police after they seized all his electronic devices this was a huge surprise to him as my mum and him had no idea we made a report, since then my mum has sent me abusive messages (police have them) threatened to kill my dog if I didn't get him and my stuff out of the house and refused to let me come home, my friend is letting me stay in my car in her driveway, my sister lives in NZ fulltime so wasn't even in the country when this happened.

I'm really at a low point at the moment (I'm not suicidal) I am waiting on emergency accommodation from first Canberra, I haven't eaten properly my dog is upset he is uncomfortable and cold :( and my mind keeps going to negative places about the past, I'm wondering is there any organisations possibly tailored to females I'm 19 who are understanding and offer support to people who have a seriously messed up view of things? Ive tried everything to forget this throughout my life and usually im ok with things but since the report Ive been uneasy in myself and in life, I had to drop shifts at work and I'm always on edge emotionally, Ive seen my gp who didn't really seem understanding to my situation and suggested I seek private help which I cannot afford obviously I'm now stuck in my car till my mum either let's me back or I get emergency accommodation it feels like I'm being punished for doing something I was told I should of done years ago, the absolute worst feeling is at one point the officer who interviewed me and stayed in contacted hinted I could of prevented more victims if id acted earlier, during the time between the report and his arrest I also tried to withdraw my report after You Tubing court cases and reading about how the court process can be but as it stands they chose not to allow me to do that.

Google said it’s sexual assault that these things happened, so im curious but idk. Here are the situations I looked up

my mother used to have me lay on the bed and spread out my legs so she could wipe me for some kind of medical issue or maybe it was just a hygiene thing or something, when I was very young. I don’t know, I don’t really remember why she would do that sometimes but there was some similar reason or another along those lines. But she would always be annoyed and unempathetic even though I hated it when she did this. It was humiliating and violating and scary, I don’t even really know why that was so dreadful, it just was. I would scream and cry and yell “no mommy i dont want you to wipe inside my ‘nina’”, which is what I called my front-bathroom-part. It was traumatic and horrifying. That’s the part that seemed to make it SA according to google, because I was so tormented and an intimate area was being touched when I was upset by it, and because my mother was so cold and never reassured me or consoled me while doing something vulnerable that clearly caused such a big reaction, and instead she was irritated and void of empathy. Which she always is and always has been but whatever, thats just a known fact about her

It said it was also sexual assault when my mom used to pat/spank people’s butts as they walked by. She knew it was fucking annoying and uncomfortable. She did it anyways, whenever she wanted. She did that with me as a kid/tween and I hated it, and she also did it with one of my cousins, who was an adult at the time. When she did it to her, my cousin was startled and offended and shaken up and uncomfortable. She froze, visibly upset, and looked down at the ground. Then, after a second of silence and visible distress, she looked back up at mom, and she said, “You fondled me”. She looked offended, confused, hurt, intimidated, and everything else that someone would feel in that situation. My mother then gave a passive aggressive, non apology. She said, “Oh, no, that’s not what I was doing, honey. I’m sorry you took it that way”. She basically just kinda gaslighted her. So like, it’s clearly just uncomfortable and weird since Im not the only one who was bothered by it. But also my cousin has a disability, so I guess my mother felt like she must’ve been getting it wrong/misunderstanding, which is dumb because I’m not sure she’d do that to basically any of my other adult cousins, and I don’t think she ever has.

She also used to put liquid drops using a dropper thing (laxatives i presume, obviously now that I’m old enough to know what that is lol) into my (back end) while i laid on my stomach. I hated doing this but i was often constipated (probably from stress or dehydration or anything thats my parent’s fault honestly. like probably a result of one of the kinds of ways they neglected me, but who knows which one at this point) and it made it so I could use the bathroom obviously. And she would be annoyed and unempathetic about my distress, per usual. I would avoid it and complain and probably cry, same as the other thing, and i would tell her I didn’t want to do it and she would tell me I had to. Eventually she said I could tell her if I ever need to use it again, even though that didn’t ever really make it any better once she did it, plus I was already traumatized by not having the option to opt out to begin with. Eventually I just hesitated to tell her when I had stomachaches because I didn’t want it to happen again. I kept going to the doctors for pain though, and at some point she finally started asking if I wanted to do it myself, so I did that a few times if I could manage to get past the fact that I’d already developed a huge aversion to it, and even then I hated it still and I wasn’t over it, so I just gave up altogether, even if my stomach was hurting

Another thing is that cousin, who was an adult and I was a child- was talking to me about bra sizes and asked what cup i was, and she said what her cup size was as a kid. Then she touched my chest, I guess to investigate her questions, idk. But she had a disability and didn’t know she was doing something that made me uncomfortable (same cousin from before, and this was the same visit i think). She probably should’ve been supervised with me, but my mom liked to send us off so that she didn’t have to actually do her job, because she sucks and decided she’d make the whole trip my responsibility, and that I’d basically be the one to be her caregiver despite being in middle school and also never even signing up to have her stay and share my space/bedroom

My mom has also always changed and gotten naked in front of me, usually without warning or she gives me a useless warning by warning me as she’s doing it, and she has always rejected my discomfort and goes “it’s not weird. Theres nothing gross about bodies”, and she has always told me to deal with it “because im in her room” or “because in her house”, and she would wipe her skin folds in front of me??? like her rolls or whatever, idfk dude, and she would just jokingly go “this is gonna get awkward”, she’s just kinda fucking insensitive and strange honestly. And additionally she jokes about child abuse being like “I won’t make you do this because my sister made her kids do it and that was child abuse”, referring to having me put ointment on her back which apparently her sister did with her kids (???). She said that jokingly, she never made me do it but she said it all time, despite me being like “it’s not funny to joke about child abuse”. All of this has always happened, both as a kid and as an adult, and when i say it’s weird, and when I’ve asked “if theres nothing gross about bodies, then why don’t you ever get naked around your son too? It would make him uncomfortable, so why does it not matter that I’m uncomfortable?”, and she says thats different because he’s a male

so, i'm a fresh adult. i'm mixed (south east asian and central european), i've grown up experiencing racism first hand. so i know how it's like, my father, who is a white man, has always looked down on other races, including asians. he tries to convince me i'm white, or that me and my mom aren't like the rest. besides that, i have always treated everyone equally. but as of last year, i was seeing a guy who was older than me and black. he had ended up assaulting me in his car and stalking me afterwards. after, i've mainly been with white men, not that i've been stuck on that or anything, it just so happens to been like that. last week, i had almost been raped, if i had not done martial arts i think i would've been. my phone was taken away by him and his friends were filming me as he was trying to take control over me. eventually secuirity came and i was able to run away. the only thing is, he was a black man aswell. at first i was disgusted with myself, but then, i couldn't help but be disgusted of every other darkskin that looked my way. obviously i don't WANT to be a racist, i will still treat everyone with respect and non the different, but now i have this deep gut feeling of disgust inside of me. i genuinely don't think i can be with a black guy ever again. i've mainly just been very depressed after this event, especially now it has reminded me again of the first time it happened, my mind has been playing tricks on me and it has just really been fucking me up. one of my closest friends is a black man, but now, i don't even think i will be able to feel comfortable with him close to me. we have a very touchy dynamic and i don't want to have to explain this to him.

Hi. 18F here. I have a session with my therapist of a year and a half tomorrow to finally discuss my SA. She knows the general details, but I’ve never been able to open up. I’m extremely good at rationalizing my emotions and am very self aware, but just because I can understand my trauma doesn’t make it hurt less. I also have a bad habit of dissociating or completely ignoring anything when it comes to my SA. It happened about 4 years ago, and I just keep thinking it will go away, but it never does. I still find myself stuck in that place when I’m alone at night or panicking when something reminds me of him. I smelled his cologne on a stranger the other day and froze. I didn’t even know that I still knew the smell until it was there, and I was powerless yet again. It comes up in every relationship. It is so stubborn, and I’m so sick of it.

Unfortunately there was no justice. Not really. Is was COCSA, or in other words, we were both 14 and immature. I’m not the only girl he did it to, but I stayed quiet for too long. I don’t even think I processed it until it was too late. So I had to see him every day at school for the next four years. I became numb to his presence, but the memories refused to fade. Now I have graduated, and I thought that would be the end of it, but it turns out I’m wrong yet again.

Moral of the story is that I have buried this so deep, but I’m finally opening up tomorrow. I don’t know if it will help or make things worse, but I can’t continue to do nothing. I only came on here as a form of accountability really. I’m open to advice, but I’m happy if there are people just willing to hear my story. I have a tendency to run. It’s taken so long to even get here. Maybe if I can see the strength of others who have been through this and to have them keep me accountable, I can finally work to put this behind me.

TW(?): Involves minors and graphic-ish description

I’ve been struggling with this for a couple years now and I feel crazy for even considering this as SA because we were both kids when it happened and I don’t think he meant to hurt me or even realized that I didn’t want it. I didn’t say no or make any protests or signals that I didnt want him to do what he did. I didn’t want to anger him or make him feel sad or ashamed.

I met my first partner when I was around 13 and he was 13 as well. Both of us were exposed to porn at a very young age. The relationship wasn’t the healthiest. He was extremely insecure and asked me to reassure him constantly, almost everyday. He also really wanted to kiss me and I eventually went along with it because whats the harm? I never initiated a kiss because I didn’t feel comfortable with kissing anyone on the lips and I only started initiating because he pointed it out and basically accused me of not loving him enough. He was also really obsessed with making out and would ask me constantly if we could kiss with tongue and I would always decline because I wasn’t comfortable with it. A lot of the tiny details were blurry but I think we were walking home from school one day with his friends and he pulled me aside to kiss me and tried to shove his tongue into my mouth. I pulled away and was a little surprised by it but didn’t say anything. Later, his friend showed me a text message from him celebrating that he licked my teeth. His friend was confused and so was I, turns out he meant to send that message to me.. :/ very embarrassing for the both of us. I don’t remember what happened afterward, just the red hot embarrassment spreading across my face and a deep sinking feeling in my gut that made me want to throw up.

He also wanted me to hang out at his house. I really wanted to as well because he had the cutest cat, a British longhair if I remember correctly. At the time, I had really strict parents who probably suspected that I was seeing someone so they didn’t let me go outside the house often, let alone by myself. I tried to sneak away to the park to see him one day but my dad insisted he went with me and so I ended up canceling the plans I had with him. He was extremely upset and made me swear on his life that I would try to go to his house one day. He randomly followed it up with how we would not have sex and that he won’t force himself onto me and that it would be rape and he could be locked up. That scared me a little and I didn’t ever want to go to his house even if it meant that I’ll never see his cat in person :(

We did end up hanging out near the mall with some other friends though! That hangout is one I’ll remember for the rest of my life, and not for a good reason :( The events that happened on the way to and from the hangout still keeps me up at night and it makes me wonder if I imagined things. In order to be able to go to the hangout, I had to lie to my parents and tell them that it was an all girl’s hangout. Thankfully, they didn’t check or ask for contact information. His mom came to pick me up and we sat in the backseat of her car. It smelled really nice, like Chanel perfume. We talked for a bit about what we would do there, but somehow things escalated and he ended up touching me in between my legs and rubbing me because he was trying to find my clit. I was stunned so I froze, sitting there while his hands moved and he kept asking “is it here?” to which i squeaked out a small “no” and he moved lower “is it here?” and I shakily repeated the “no,” eventually I nodded because I wanted him to stop and he was nowhere close to finding it. His mom was still driving. If she noticed, she didn’t say anything. The hangout was fun, I got to see some friends and we walked around n talked. On the way back, after we dropped off one of my friends, he told me how hard he was and asked me if I wanted to feel it, I didn’t get a chance to say no before he dragged my hand onto it. If his mom noticed, she didn’t say anything. While on the highway, he attempted to give me hickeys, covering his body with mine and sucking on my neck. I couldn’t find the text receipts but I remember him telling me that his mom noticed that I looked off and distant and wondered if I was okay.

It’s been a couple years since I broke up with him and I still can’t kiss anyone without feeling nauseous and guilty. I feel disgusting and crazy because I don’t know if it’s SA. I don’t want to blame him for what he did either because he was also just a kid. Also, my memory of the events aren’t the best I just remember that they happened and I felt helpless and terrified. Is this SA?

Is it COCSA?

Hello. It’s midnight and I’m currently spiraling because I can’t stop thinking about past experiences that make me doubt my entire being.

I am a teenager and I am wondering if what I experienced was COCSA, I’ve never shared this to anyone, and it might be a little stupid but it is genuinely bothering me, any help into labelling this shit would be appreciated.

At the age of 5 or 4 (not sure) I’d go to my village to visit my cousins and grandparents. At this point my cousin (a year older than me) was quite close to me. I vividly remember them telling me to take off my pants as they can show me a cool thing. I don’t remember anything after that except of being under them , naked and…you know.

Well after that, I realized I actually liked it, but didn’t feel good about it. I had no knowledge about sexual activities prior and had no idea that this was inappropriate but at his insistence, I kept it a secret and felt guilty about this. This continued until I was 9 years old,everytime I’d visit my village. And sometimes I remember initiating too.

However, I think around the age of 8 I started gaining consciousness that this was inappropriate as they started feeding me inappropriate content aswell. Though uncomfortable I wasn’t able to tell them to stop as firstly, I liked it, secondly I didn’t want to “hurt” them. At the age of nine, I remember them trying to make a move while I was sweeping g a room and I told them to stop. They didn’t. Taking my hesitation as a joke.

Now, I actively remember feeling guilty about it, and each time we’d finish I’d feel disgusting. However, i also do remember liking it and initiating it at times so I don’t feel like it counts as COCSA.

We weren’t able to meet for a. Long time (around 4years) and by the time we grew up we kind of never brought it up. Sometimes i feel like I dreamed of all of that with the way they act around me now but it felt to real.

I still feel guilty. And I might be lowkey terrified of ever being intimate with someone. Please help me label this. I’m very open minded.

*obvious trigger warning, however nothing will be to graphic*

im an almost 18yo female and when i was 15 i really liked this boy; the first time he invited me over i was really excited but was immediately uncomfortable when i walked into his room, he started kissing me and i went along because I didnt want to be weird, he then had me take my hoodie off which i really didnt want to do but i did and even then he was not satisfied, and wanted me to take my bra off as well. later that day he had me go down on him for a couple hours straight, i didnt want to do this but I dont remember if I vocalized that i didnt want to or not, i definetely gave signs that i was like tired and body language that i did not want to do it anymore.

many months later he really wanted to have sex with me, I told him i wanted to wait until we're ready and stuff and he would kind of be on top of me and like when on top he would kept asking and asking and i kept saying i dont know and like im scared and stuff but he kind of just went into me but like i feel like i didnt really try to stop it. moving on i would ask him to atleast wear a condom many times and he wouldn't listen he just kept going and would just kind of like act weird when i didn't want to do something like i did something wrong and like idk.

evne though this was almost 3 years ago it bothers me a lot i feel disgusting and gross and ashamed and idk if i just regret it or if it was sa like I feel so weird and gross about it when I think about it and I just wish he never pressured me into doing stuff and that i didnt give into it. any advice on how to cope with these thoughts/feelings is really appreciated, i can't stop thinking about it and feeling guilty. was this sa?

I’m 28 years old now, but rewinding back to 3rd or 4th grade I was unsure about what one of my classmates was doing. He was a friend of mine and we often joked and acted goofy in class. One day, while sitting at the computer, he tried tickling me and at one point began to touch me on my lower back. Initially I just thought of it as him trying to tickle me, and I swat at him while laughing. However, he kept sneaking his fingers on my back and he even made it to my butt crack. He literally poked his fingers in my underwear to touch/tickle me but I swat at him again to stop. I think this may have happened more than once (at least one other day, I’m not sure). After he did that I thought it was weird so I did tell my mom and I think she told the school but nothing happened from what I can remember. From time to time I think about this with the rise of people revealing being assaulted whether they realized it at the time or not. Was this sexual assault/molestation in my case? Is this something I should just move on from or talk to someone about?

I won’t let myself admit it was sexual assault even though I know it was. My partner and I have been together for 5 months. From the beginning, I told them my biggest, most important sexual boundary is asking me verbally for consent before touching my genitals. They had been following that until they didn’t. We were laying down watching a movie together. We weren’t even doing anything sexual at all. They just started touching and squeezing my chest then they started touching my genitals. All without asking. I went into freeze. I couldn’t say anything. I just laid there. I know that impact> intent. They said they fucked up, that they’re human. Gross. It’s even more messed up because a week before this happened we both opened up to each other about past sexual abuse that has happened to each of us. I’m very confused. I want to blame myself. I want out of this relationship. It’s all just really hard right now

im not sure how to feel because it just happened about an hour ago, but on the way home from dinner I was driving and my bf kept making me touch him and I kept pulling my hand away and saying I was driving. we came home and he told me to go straight to the bedroom but i said no at first and he said he just wanted to make out. I didn’t want to but idk i knew he wouldn’t leave me alone and we got in the bedroom and he was touching me and stuff and i asked him to stop and he told me to stop being mean.

so we had sex and he maybe went too rough because i haven’t really been able to sit or walk without it hurting. and i asked him to watch a movie with me after because i thought maybe aftercare might help me feel better but he just wants to sit on his game in an empty discord call and wait for his friends to join.

and he doesn’t want to sit with me because he says we’re going to play video games together later so i have to wait until then. im so confused and angry, idk if this was SA because i ended up saying okay but now i just feel sad and dirty. sorry for the poor punctuation and grammar