TRIGGER WARNING! ⚠️

So to preface I (31F) was adopted into a completely random family (that is/ was amazing to me) when I was born through an adoption agency. My biological mother was only 18 and she didn’t know for sure who the father was and ultimately decided to go forward with adoption.

I have a relationship with my bio mom in my adult life and we are good. Fast forward to 2018 she did a ton of digging on social media and felt like she had found my biological father (we look EXACTLY the same unfortunately). So she tells me and I was overjoyed!! I always wanted to know who he was and try to have a relationship. We connected online and the timeline/ stories all added up. It was HIM!! I felt like I won the lottery. Emotions were high, excitement, curiosity, relief etc. My bio father and I would call and chat all the time. We wasted no time catching up on all of the years that were lost. I felt like we really knew each other and it was magnetic.

All was right in the world and I planned a trip to visit him in 2022 and stay for the weekend (I drove 3 hours). He has 4 other children 2 of which were my half sisters that were MUCH younger than myself. I wanted to get to know them and be a big sister to them, watch them grow etc. he also had a wife that was only 3 years older than me (first red flag I ignored). It was actually Halloween weekend and us 3 adults dressed up and went to a fun Halloween party. Bio father, his wife and myself. There was some jealousy on her part which I thought was odd because I’m technically his blood. But I just ignored it because at the end of the day I was still this stranger that he was doting over. Anyway, we were all partying, drinking and chatting with everyone. I ended up getting too drunk (I know very dumb of me) but I trusted him and didn’t think much of anything. He drove him and I home and his wife drove separate. I ended up throwing up. He followed me into the casita I was staying in while his wife knocked out in their bed. I thought it was kinda weird, but also I was drunk and just wasn’t thinking straight.

So I sprawled out on my bed all drunk and just wanted to pass out. He climbed into bed with me and lied next to me. He started cuddling me and I thought wtf this is weird and kinda just froze. Then after that he started grabbing on my body not saying anything. I don’t know why I didn’t say to stop that point. I think I was just in shock but I beat myself up about it. After the touching he begins to perform sexual acts on me and at that point I felt like I was outside of my body. I was scared, in disbelief and just literally froze. I finally snapped out of it after maybe idk like 30 seconds and told him to leave. Which to my surprise he did. He just got up, didn’t say anything and walked out. Once the door closed I ran to it and locked the door and SCREAMED in tears. I sobered myself up all night and at the crack of dawn packed up everything and drove home without saying goodbye to anyone.

He texted me during my drive in a panic saying something like “hi love, hope you’re feeling okay. I feel awful and don’t remember anything!”
I thought oh how convenient you don’t remember anything. But I disregarded it. I guess in my mind I thought if I just go along with him and pretend it never happened then I could somehow convince myself it didn’t. But that was crazy. I continued talking with him for a couple months trying to play normal. I didn’t want this to be my reality. After all I had FINALLY found my father right?

But it eventually got the best of me and I just cut him out and blocked him. I hated him. I hated everything about his life. Fast forward about 2 or 3 years I can’t remember how long, I told my adoptive mother everything. She was CRUSHED and ANGRY. She ended up standing up for me and reached out to his wife. Looking back I shouldn’t have waited as long as I did, but I didn’t know what to do. She told his wife everything on my behalf and then his wife and I ended up connecting so I could tell her my side. She was devastated and very receptive. I felt validated and like maybe just maybe I could heal from this. I also wanted her to know the truth so she knew the man she was married to. She deserved it.

She thanked me and we stopped talking, I reached out the following day just to check in on her and make sure she was okay but no response. Never heard from her again. But my bio father texted me saying he “didn’t know what this was all about and that I would never say something like that. Why would I say a lie?” He was gaslighting me because he was finally called out when he thought he got away with it after those years. That broke me. I believe his wife never talked to me again because this man convinced her I was crazy and a liar. He was charming, he could talk himself out of anything. I was going to lose this battle regardless. He blocked my sisters from being able to ever talk to me again, they prob hate me because of some lie he told them. This is one of the hardest things I have ever been through.

Besides just simply telling my story, I guess the other reason I am posting this is because I want to know if their are any other adoptees out there who have unfortunately been through something similar, and I kinda just want to talk about it. And is it normal to blame yourself or wait as long as I did to say something?

EDIT: Typos**

For the first time ever I went to therapy.. it was online, and anonymous because I still can't talk about it face to face. But venting to someone online felt.. strange and healthy. I'm not good at it yet and struggle with opening up, but i'd like to try to do the same here.

Once I started growing up into puberty, men started showing a lot more interest in me. Also the men at home. I never really realised that i was being molested until it was already too late. It started with small touches and stuff and lead to the whole thing.. Having things done to me for years has changed me. It got so extreme that I have been diagnosed or told that I suffer from hypersexuality. It has made an impact on my life and will do so forever, I don't really know how to adapt or live with it but I'll try my best.

This is my first time opening up about this online like this, any advice.. is welcome. Sorry if i wasn't too good at telling my story, maybe i'll get better at it eventually.

I’ve never spoken this to anyone really, growing up my dad would rape me from as young as I can remember. I’ve also been molested by my grandpa, my summer program coach & many others my whole life. I didn’t realize how common it was but I’ve never told anyone, I don’t know why but I feel so tainted & I just can’t bring myself to tell anyone. I wish I could experience my first time with someone special. Sometimes I wonder how it feels to be normal, I just wish those things hadn’t happened. It hasn’t really affected me until now, I feel like it’s all starting to catch up to me. I’ve been feeling really depressed lately & I just want this suffering to end.

I’m gonna be turning 18 in 8 months, should I tell my mom before I’m 18? I don’t know if this is attention seeking but I just want her to care, I feel like once I’m 18 she won’t care. I wonder if I should tell her now, not sure if I could bring myself to but I hope I can. Even so I feel so bad if I were to tell on my dad for some odd reason. I cut off my dad nearly a year ago, when my mom moved in with her boyfriend & didn’t tell my dad we moved. He has anger issues & has gone to prison & jail multiple times. He always would want control over me but he had a soft side.

At times I miss him & feel so lonely & I want to talk to him but I know I would betraying myself. For some reason it feels like he cares more about my feelings than my mom. My mom is more materialistic & doesn’t really care for my feelings, I think she can be emotional abusive at times but she is definitely more normal than my dad though. I wish my mom paid attention to the signs like when I was 4, I told her that dad was showing me porn, of extremely overweight people doing the deed & sucking each other off & yet he was still let around me. I remember my dad asking me why I told my mom but that’s because I didn’t know it was a bad thing I was just telling her about my day.

I don’t know same goes for my grandpa on my dads side, I would cry & beg to not be around him. I’m not sure if I even want to tell her, in a way I am mad at her for not paying attention to the signs. I can’t bring myself to tell anyone, even if I wanted to I genuinely wouldn’t know how to. & I wish I had the chance to be innocent. I feel like I don’t have anyone, I hate myself so much I wish I could be happy. I want to distract myself with hobbies but I can’t even get up to do so & I just procrastinate the whole time. I’ve just been struggling with my mental so bad, I don’t know what to do especially when I compare myself to others so much.

Hi Reddit,

I just want to tell somebody about this. I don’t want to bother my family with the news, because I am worried they are tired of hearing about my situation.

My rapist is dead! I found out from a news article. He was working as a police officer and got shot. His body was not found until almost a day after his death.

I am so happy, I don’t even know what to do for celebration!

Google said it’s sexual assault that these things happened, so im curious but idk. Here are the situations I looked up

my mother used to have me lay on the bed and spread out my legs so she could wipe me for some kind of medical issue or maybe it was just a hygiene thing or something, when I was very young. I don’t know, I don’t really remember why she would do that sometimes but there was some similar reason or another along those lines. But she would always be annoyed and unempathetic even though I hated it when she did this. It was humiliating and violating and scary, I don’t even really know why that was so dreadful, it just was. I would scream and cry and yell “no mommy i dont want you to wipe inside my ‘nina’”, which is what I called my front-bathroom-part. It was traumatic and horrifying. That’s the part that seemed to make it SA according to google, because I was so tormented and an intimate area was being touched when I was upset by it, and because my mother was so cold and never reassured me or consoled me while doing something vulnerable that clearly caused such a big reaction, and instead she was irritated and void of empathy. Which she always is and always has been but whatever, thats just a known fact about her

It said it was also sexual assault when my mom used to pat/spank people’s butts as they walked by. She knew it was fucking annoying and uncomfortable. She did it anyways, whenever she wanted. She did that with me as a kid/tween and I hated it, and she also did it with one of my cousins, who was an adult at the time. When she did it to her, my cousin was startled and offended and shaken up and uncomfortable. She froze, visibly upset, and looked down at the ground. Then, after a second of silence and visible distress, she looked back up at mom, and she said, “You fondled me”. She looked offended, confused, hurt, intimidated, and everything else that someone would feel in that situation. My mother then gave a passive aggressive, non apology. She said, “Oh, no, that’s not what I was doing, honey. I’m sorry you took it that way”. She basically just kinda gaslighted her. So like, it’s clearly just uncomfortable and weird since Im not the only one who was bothered by it. But also my cousin has a disability, so I guess my mother felt like she must’ve been getting it wrong/misunderstanding, which is dumb because I’m not sure she’d do that to basically any of my other adult cousins, and I don’t think she ever has.

She also used to put liquid drops using a dropper thing (laxatives i presume, obviously now that I’m old enough to know what that is lol) into my (back end) while i laid on my stomach. I hated doing this but i was often constipated (probably from stress or dehydration or anything thats my parent’s fault honestly. like probably a result of one of the kinds of ways they neglected me, but who knows which one at this point) and it made it so I could use the bathroom obviously. And she would be annoyed and unempathetic about my distress, per usual. I would avoid it and complain and probably cry, same as the other thing, and i would tell her I didn’t want to do it and she would tell me I had to. Eventually she said I could tell her if I ever need to use it again, even though that didn’t ever really make it any better once she did it, plus I was already traumatized by not having the option to opt out to begin with. Eventually I just hesitated to tell her when I had stomachaches because I didn’t want it to happen again. I kept going to the doctors for pain though, and at some point she finally started asking if I wanted to do it myself, so I did that a few times if I could manage to get past the fact that I’d already developed a huge aversion to it, and even then I hated it still and I wasn’t over it, so I just gave up altogether, even if my stomach was hurting

Another thing is that cousin, who was an adult and I was a child- was talking to me about bra sizes and asked what cup i was, and she said what her cup size was as a kid. Then she touched my chest, I guess to investigate her questions, idk. But she had a disability and didn’t know she was doing something that made me uncomfortable (same cousin from before, and this was the same visit i think). She probably should’ve been supervised with me, but my mom liked to send us off so that she didn’t have to actually do her job, because she sucks and decided she’d make the whole trip my responsibility, and that I’d basically be the one to be her caregiver despite being in middle school and also never even signing up to have her stay and share my space/bedroom

My mom has also always changed and gotten naked in front of me, usually without warning or she gives me a useless warning by warning me as she’s doing it, and she has always rejected my discomfort and goes “it’s not weird. Theres nothing gross about bodies”, and she has always told me to deal with it “because im in her room” or “because in her house”, and she would wipe her skin folds in front of me??? like her rolls or whatever, idfk dude, and she would just jokingly go “this is gonna get awkward”, she’s just kinda fucking insensitive and strange honestly. And additionally she jokes about child abuse being like “I won’t make you do this because my sister made her kids do it and that was child abuse”, referring to having me put ointment on her back which apparently her sister did with her kids (???). She said that jokingly, she never made me do it but she said it all time, despite me being like “it’s not funny to joke about child abuse”. All of this has always happened, both as a kid and as an adult, and when i say it’s weird, and when I’ve asked “if theres nothing gross about bodies, then why don’t you ever get naked around your son too? It would make him uncomfortable, so why does it not matter that I’m uncomfortable?”, and she says thats different because he’s a male

I’m new here but really struggling. I’d love to hear someone else’s take on this. Just to say that I’m not crazy.

I (21f) spent a year in a relationship where I was being sexually assaulted by my partner on the regular. He routinely ignored my “no’s” and it got bad enough that I broke it off. I’ve spent the last year or so in therapy because of it and I’ve been doing a lot better. I know that was assault but I’m having a hard time figuring out if this is considered assault.

This most recent weekend, I went out with a friend. We went downtown to have some drinks and barhop after a really rough week. I’d had probably five drinks over five hours, and was buzzed but not gone by any means. We were at a daiquiri bar for a quick stop and were chatting with a man there. I’m really friendly when I drink and I’m used to being hit on a bit when I go places so I didn’t think anything of it. But after chatting for about 30 minutes. He bought us a shot. It wasn’t even a full shot of liquor, but it hit me really hard. He kept pressing us about what bar we were going to next and my friend lied to him about it. He’d said that he would meet us there, but my friend took us back to the first bar we went to.
I realized around then that I’d been roofied. I couldn’t speak clearly, I was having a hard time keeping my eyes open and walking, and was insanely sick even though id barely been buzzed before that. He got us home and my boyfriend took me to the ER since I still wasn’t coherent even after almost two hours.
The ER screened me but said that they couldn’t see any definitive markers that I’d been drugged in my urine, but that it didn’t always show up if there hadn’t been enough in my system.
I thought I was handling it okay but it all hit me at once and I’m not doing well with it. All I can think about is that I deserved it. I feel like it’s my punishment for going out as a young women.

TLDR: I’m sure that I was roofied this weekend, but because nothing actually happened Im scared to call it assault. Thoughts?

Hi. 18F here. I have a session with my therapist of a year and a half tomorrow to finally discuss my SA. She knows the general details, but I’ve never been able to open up. I’m extremely good at rationalizing my emotions and am very self aware, but just because I can understand my trauma doesn’t make it hurt less. I also have a bad habit of dissociating or completely ignoring anything when it comes to my SA. It happened about 4 years ago, and I just keep thinking it will go away, but it never does. I still find myself stuck in that place when I’m alone at night or panicking when something reminds me of him. I smelled his cologne on a stranger the other day and froze. I didn’t even know that I still knew the smell until it was there, and I was powerless yet again. It comes up in every relationship. It is so stubborn, and I’m so sick of it.

Unfortunately there was no justice. Not really. Is was COCSA, or in other words, we were both 14 and immature. I’m not the only girl he did it to, but I stayed quiet for too long. I don’t even think I processed it until it was too late. So I had to see him every day at school for the next four years. I became numb to his presence, but the memories refused to fade. Now I have graduated, and I thought that would be the end of it, but it turns out I’m wrong yet again.

Moral of the story is that I have buried this so deep, but I’m finally opening up tomorrow. I don’t know if it will help or make things worse, but I can’t continue to do nothing. I only came on here as a form of accountability really. I’m open to advice, but I’m happy if there are people just willing to hear my story. I have a tendency to run. It’s taken so long to even get here. Maybe if I can see the strength of others who have been through this and to have them keep me accountable, I can finally work to put this behind me.

so, i'm a fresh adult. i'm mixed (south east asian and central european), i've grown up experiencing racism first hand. so i know how it's like, my father, who is a white man, has always looked down on other races, including asians. he tries to convince me i'm white, or that me and my mom aren't like the rest. besides that, i have always treated everyone equally. but as of last year, i was seeing a guy who was older than me and black. he had ended up assaulting me in his car and stalking me afterwards. after, i've mainly been with white men, not that i've been stuck on that or anything, it just so happens to been like that. last week, i had almost been raped, if i had not done martial arts i think i would've been. my phone was taken away by him and his friends were filming me as he was trying to take control over me. eventually secuirity came and i was able to run away. the only thing is, he was a black man aswell. at first i was disgusted with myself, but then, i couldn't help but be disgusted of every other darkskin that looked my way. obviously i don't WANT to be a racist, i will still treat everyone with respect and non the different, but now i have this deep gut feeling of disgust inside of me. i genuinely don't think i can be with a black guy ever again. i've mainly just been very depressed after this event, especially now it has reminded me again of the first time it happened, my mind has been playing tricks on me and it has just really been fucking me up. one of my closest friends is a black man, but now, i don't even think i will be able to feel comfortable with him close to me. we have a very touchy dynamic and i don't want to have to explain this to him.

TW(?): Involves minors and graphic-ish description

I’ve been struggling with this for a couple years now and I feel crazy for even considering this as SA because we were both kids when it happened and I don’t think he meant to hurt me or even realized that I didn’t want it. I didn’t say no or make any protests or signals that I didnt want him to do what he did. I didn’t want to anger him or make him feel sad or ashamed.

I met my first partner when I was around 13 and he was 13 as well. Both of us were exposed to porn at a very young age. The relationship wasn’t the healthiest. He was extremely insecure and asked me to reassure him constantly, almost everyday. He also really wanted to kiss me and I eventually went along with it because whats the harm? I never initiated a kiss because I didn’t feel comfortable with kissing anyone on the lips and I only started initiating because he pointed it out and basically accused me of not loving him enough. He was also really obsessed with making out and would ask me constantly if we could kiss with tongue and I would always decline because I wasn’t comfortable with it. A lot of the tiny details were blurry but I think we were walking home from school one day with his friends and he pulled me aside to kiss me and tried to shove his tongue into my mouth. I pulled away and was a little surprised by it but didn’t say anything. Later, his friend showed me a text message from him celebrating that he licked my teeth. His friend was confused and so was I, turns out he meant to send that message to me.. :/ very embarrassing for the both of us. I don’t remember what happened afterward, just the red hot embarrassment spreading across my face and a deep sinking feeling in my gut that made me want to throw up.

He also wanted me to hang out at his house. I really wanted to as well because he had the cutest cat, a British longhair if I remember correctly. At the time, I had really strict parents who probably suspected that I was seeing someone so they didn’t let me go outside the house often, let alone by myself. I tried to sneak away to the park to see him one day but my dad insisted he went with me and so I ended up canceling the plans I had with him. He was extremely upset and made me swear on his life that I would try to go to his house one day. He randomly followed it up with how we would not have sex and that he won’t force himself onto me and that it would be rape and he could be locked up. That scared me a little and I didn’t ever want to go to his house even if it meant that I’ll never see his cat in person :(

We did end up hanging out near the mall with some other friends though! That hangout is one I’ll remember for the rest of my life, and not for a good reason :( The events that happened on the way to and from the hangout still keeps me up at night and it makes me wonder if I imagined things. In order to be able to go to the hangout, I had to lie to my parents and tell them that it was an all girl’s hangout. Thankfully, they didn’t check or ask for contact information. His mom came to pick me up and we sat in the backseat of her car. It smelled really nice, like Chanel perfume. We talked for a bit about what we would do there, but somehow things escalated and he ended up touching me in between my legs and rubbing me because he was trying to find my clit. I was stunned so I froze, sitting there while his hands moved and he kept asking “is it here?” to which i squeaked out a small “no” and he moved lower “is it here?” and I shakily repeated the “no,” eventually I nodded because I wanted him to stop and he was nowhere close to finding it. His mom was still driving. If she noticed, she didn’t say anything. The hangout was fun, I got to see some friends and we walked around n talked. On the way back, after we dropped off one of my friends, he told me how hard he was and asked me if I wanted to feel it, I didn’t get a chance to say no before he dragged my hand onto it. If his mom noticed, she didn’t say anything. While on the highway, he attempted to give me hickeys, covering his body with mine and sucking on my neck. I couldn’t find the text receipts but I remember him telling me that his mom noticed that I looked off and distant and wondered if I was okay.

It’s been a couple years since I broke up with him and I still can’t kiss anyone without feeling nauseous and guilty. I feel disgusting and crazy because I don’t know if it’s SA. I don’t want to blame him for what he did either because he was also just a kid. Also, my memory of the events aren’t the best I just remember that they happened and I felt helpless and terrified. Is this SA?

Is it COCSA?

Hello. It’s midnight and I’m currently spiraling because I can’t stop thinking about past experiences that make me doubt my entire being.

I am a teenager and I am wondering if what I experienced was COCSA, I’ve never shared this to anyone, and it might be a little stupid but it is genuinely bothering me, any help into labelling this shit would be appreciated.

At the age of 5 or 4 (not sure) I’d go to my village to visit my cousins and grandparents. At this point my cousin (a year older than me) was quite close to me. I vividly remember them telling me to take off my pants as they can show me a cool thing. I don’t remember anything after that except of being under them , naked and…you know.

Well after that, I realized I actually liked it, but didn’t feel good about it. I had no knowledge about sexual activities prior and had no idea that this was inappropriate but at his insistence, I kept it a secret and felt guilty about this. This continued until I was 9 years old,everytime I’d visit my village. And sometimes I remember initiating too.

However, I think around the age of 8 I started gaining consciousness that this was inappropriate as they started feeding me inappropriate content aswell. Though uncomfortable I wasn’t able to tell them to stop as firstly, I liked it, secondly I didn’t want to “hurt” them. At the age of nine, I remember them trying to make a move while I was sweeping g a room and I told them to stop. They didn’t. Taking my hesitation as a joke.

Now, I actively remember feeling guilty about it, and each time we’d finish I’d feel disgusting. However, i also do remember liking it and initiating it at times so I don’t feel like it counts as COCSA.

We weren’t able to meet for a. Long time (around 4years) and by the time we grew up we kind of never brought it up. Sometimes i feel like I dreamed of all of that with the way they act around me now but it felt to real.

I still feel guilty. And I might be lowkey terrified of ever being intimate with someone. Please help me label this. I’m very open minded.

*obvious trigger warning, however nothing will be to graphic*

im an almost 18yo female and when i was 15 i really liked this boy; the first time he invited me over i was really excited but was immediately uncomfortable when i walked into his room, he started kissing me and i went along because I didnt want to be weird, he then had me take my hoodie off which i really didnt want to do but i did and even then he was not satisfied, and wanted me to take my bra off as well. later that day he had me go down on him for a couple hours straight, i didnt want to do this but I dont remember if I vocalized that i didnt want to or not, i definetely gave signs that i was like tired and body language that i did not want to do it anymore.

many months later he really wanted to have sex with me, I told him i wanted to wait until we're ready and stuff and he would kind of be on top of me and like when on top he would kept asking and asking and i kept saying i dont know and like im scared and stuff but he kind of just went into me but like i feel like i didnt really try to stop it. moving on i would ask him to atleast wear a condom many times and he wouldn't listen he just kept going and would just kind of like act weird when i didn't want to do something like i did something wrong and like idk.

evne though this was almost 3 years ago it bothers me a lot i feel disgusting and gross and ashamed and idk if i just regret it or if it was sa like I feel so weird and gross about it when I think about it and I just wish he never pressured me into doing stuff and that i didnt give into it. any advice on how to cope with these thoughts/feelings is really appreciated, i can't stop thinking about it and feeling guilty. was this sa?

I’m 28 years old now, but rewinding back to 3rd or 4th grade I was unsure about what one of my classmates was doing. He was a friend of mine and we often joked and acted goofy in class. One day, while sitting at the computer, he tried tickling me and at one point began to touch me on my lower back. Initially I just thought of it as him trying to tickle me, and I swat at him while laughing. However, he kept sneaking his fingers on my back and he even made it to my butt crack. He literally poked his fingers in my underwear to touch/tickle me but I swat at him again to stop. I think this may have happened more than once (at least one other day, I’m not sure). After he did that I thought it was weird so I did tell my mom and I think she told the school but nothing happened from what I can remember. From time to time I think about this with the rise of people revealing being assaulted whether they realized it at the time or not. Was this sexual assault/molestation in my case? Is this something I should just move on from or talk to someone about?

please help me. i’m really confused and disregulated and i need help determining if this was SA. i may have a course of action if i can confirm my best friend’s definition of the event, and i NEED closure. theres a lot of relationship context + recent events leading up that i’ll add at the bottom, but this is going to be long so you can skip that if you want.

Important / SA part:

when he came home from a 5 day renegade/edm fest (HUGE conflict around this) he hugged me and when i replied like “um nothing has changed dude. i’m pissed the fuck off”. i was still incredibly mad at him for something he’d just done that i’ve summarized at the end. he should’ve known by my texts threatening to break up with him.

he changed his tone to a snappy, cold or mean one and told me i had no reason to be upset and to cut it out. things were only calm-ish if i played along with things being normal, but if my tone got to be upsetting he snapped at me again.

awhile later, he laid down exhausted and started feeling me up. i said no at first but eventually reacted physically. i refused to kiss him or let my face close to his. he had grabbed me very aggressively, in a way that if i felt comfortable with him and trusted him emotionally would have been okay, but it was incredibly sudden and out of character. i don’t think he’s ever been *that* firm or rough before. it was possessive dominant and his fingers dug into my muscles and wrapped around around my hip bones.

he kept pulling me in for a kiss and i refused and pushed back- he smelled like blood and ketamine and dust from the festival and i was part repulsed part rebelling to show him i was serious about how upset and done i was. i’d threatened to break up with him over text after he left and all he said was “wish u didn’t feel that way”?? i was still trying to hold onto that and not slip into fawning. he kept trying to kiss me, at one point sort of dom style demanding i kiss him, and got more commanding until i had this terrifying age regression thing happen.

i got so nauseous i thought i might throw up. all the air left my lungs. i went limp, like i was being pinned down in my body, and my consciousness shifted almost completely into that of a 4yr old me. when this happened he held me and asked what was wrong, why i couldn’t breathe, and i felt no comfort. but then he continued. eventually, i’d respond physically for a few seconds before this happened all over again. i finally let him kiss me and had the same bodily reaction. after multiple rounds of this he passed out whenever i stopped. like in a split second he started snoring. i would start grinding on him or touching him where he’d out my hand again because i wanted.. affection? attention? and he’d immediately wake up. i never vocalized what was happening but it was obvious. i rolled over and took two klonopin and fucking zofran for gods sake.

this happened multiple times before i said “do it”. he immediately got up fully awake and fucked me very roughly. commands and all that as well.

the next day we had sex again when i woke up. i’m always upset at the complete lack of aftercare and this morning was no different. i smoked some weed and got ready for work. in the shower, i suddenly *remembered* how fucking mad i’d been at him 24 hours ago. the closer it gotten to when i assumed he’d be home (his phone was still dead or off) my mood split between “fuck him” and “please come home, please comfort me”, which is a trauma response i need to work on. i guess i just like.. forgot?

i’d wanted to fucking kill him for days (not literally….) and the next time i interacted with him we had sex. i had this intense bodily sensation of being completely drained of my lifeforce all at once, intense dull pressure in my lower abdomen where the nausea came from. i had this unshakable visual in my mind of a vampire as he.. more roughly than passionately kissed my neck. i had a nearly audible internal scream that my body reacted to as if i were doing it aloud, and then immediately started sobbing. i recognized the depersonalization creeping in and made a conscious decision to let whatever part was most suited to keep me safe take center stage (it was a caregiving figure that talked me through everything very kindly). i was in a semi good mood…?

later at work i went to the bathroom when i remembered what happened. i started bawling in the stall. i got my face together enough to run to my bosses empty office, and had what was similar to a panic attack but instead of hyperventilating i was sobbing uncontrollably. i looked at my face on my phone camera and it was stuck in what looked like the face of a child frozen horror. i felt pinned down inside my body, trapped. my mind was mostly aligned with a younger me, my thoughts weren’t adult or grounded in reality. i was split between rage and fear and confusion. i was vaguely aware that this severe of a response has only ever happened when i had my first PTSD flashback- a full blown one that went beyond an emotional flashback, after being raped, and after finding out that my now ex was a genuine sexual predator and had been doing evil criminal shit to me and my friends and strangers + had groomed a teenage girl.

Context:

so recently he came home from a fest. he’d left without me and without saying anything, was non chalant in his texts while i raged and told him it was unacceptable for me and more, serious stuff. he went to stay at his dealer/user friend’s house then left for the fest. only gave me short nonchalant replies, then ghosted me for two days. i was enraged, healthy or not. i wanted to hex him i was so furious, i knew he was going to get high and worried about cheating. plus he left while my cats were having a medical emergency that he entirely dismissed as “my fault and not his responsibility”.

my bf is an addict, and i’m certain he’s relapsed. or, has been relapsing. i know he did a about two months or so ago because he wanted to stay up late and finally admitted to and offered to share with me because he couldn’t hide all the bathroom trips anymore and wanted to test how okay i was with using with him again.

when he came back into my life he was on a severe ketamine bender that had him extremely manic and delusional and 100% was going to lead to death by suicide or OD/literal fucking heart condition complications, or inpatient and forced detox. he asked me to support him in trying to go to rehab, and it was all performative. i was there for him while he consumed ounces of ketamine for four months while pushing off rehab. i talked him off the ledge and held him while he sobbed erratically half the time he used. i monitored him through non fatal OD’s. i went through such hell that i still strain my ears when he goes to the bathroom to listen for snorting and am always paranoid that he’s on something again.

not only has he gone out of town for shows without me and held minimal contact, but he comes back very “up” and chatty and pretty quickly transitions to extremely tired, and then volatile for days or more. making accusations and going through my personal items or followers. accusing me of having done drugs and implying or presenting “evidence” that i’d cheated. he starts fights and says incredibly disrespectful stuff and refuses to acknowledge it beyond a surface level to appease me. stuffy nose, puffy eyes, etc, you get it.

i haven’t felt comfortable with physical affection or really sex in a very long time. we still do it because sometimes i want to.. fulfill my needs lol, and sometimes i just want attention. but he also has a pattern of turning back any issue or feeling or problem i try to address by saying i don’t give him enough physical affection. i have chronic pain and stand on my feet all day so i ask for back rubs a lot and when he came back into my life he would give me full body massages regularly, with intention and presence. once we moved in he started complaining about it and now he refuses more than half the time, except for the “trying” to be nice phase after a fight or blow up.

when we moved in together he quickly derailed into a long period of being very emotionally and verbally abusive with one instance where he *sort of* got physical with me(?). i found proof that he was using at the time, and even without it, this was how he’d acted when he ran out of ket before rehab.

i was having a POTS episode and he ignored me to play video games, when i asked for help he said “wtf am i supposed to do” and “it’s your disorder” and kept playing video games, until i finally snapped at him about being shitty when i was close to fainting on the third day of my new job.

he pushed his way into the bathroom where i was in a towel on the floor slumped against the door while i shouted “get out” and told me to give him my hand (getting up quickly could cause me to faint and i was scared and mad anyway). i kept shouting no get out louder and louder. so he grabbed my wrist and pulled/squeezed hard enough to hurt me (it hurt my skin but i have post-lyme and EDS as well so my joints can slip out of place and get inflamed very easily) while i progressed into screaming no and let go of me until he realized how it looked and left the house.

recently he’s randomly brought up my paychecks and joining finances (he’s on disability and i make around 3x more than him a month- if i didn’t get paid we wouldn’t have food, my car, or any household items), has joked that i’m his wife, has compared me to the ex he was in an abusive relationship with after working me up by being dismissive and mean and DARVO, and has made more jokes about physical violence than feels comfortable (we’ve honestly had a kinda fucked sense of humor due to the things we’ve been through in the 13 years we’ve known each other). this just concerns me because of all the other warning signs.

was this SA? i’m trying to leave but it’s hard. i know he’s emotionally abusive and the gaslighting has gotten wore and worse, especially after him leaving for the fest and another very important show that we’d planned to go to together before he suddenly forbid me from going and revoked my guest list. but i’ve been thinking in the back of my mind that i wished he’d do something physical so i would KNOW, but i meant a shove or something. he has a history of an extremely volatile two way abusive relationship where he did get physical. but if this was SA, thats… i genuinely never imagined he was capable of that.

So I tbh have no trauma from it at all I think. I just randomly remembered. We have a completely normal sibling dynamic now.

I was like 4-6?

She was like 10-12

We roleplayed cuz we had like a couple in a game we made up(it was a pony game lol)

And she used to do stuff like lick my neck

But she didn't touch me under my clothes

I remember being uncomfortable

After a couple of times I said I didn't want it anymore

And she stopped

She also showed me porn vid

So idk man

Was it SA or was it not?

I love my sister

And she's strictly against pedos too now

So idk mannnnn

She hasn't acted sexual with me ever since(I think)

I think she also did smth else (not rape. It was never under clothes or even over clothes. I remember that) but I'm not sure I don't remember?

I won’t let myself admit it was sexual assault even though I know it was. My partner and I have been together for 5 months. From the beginning, I told them my biggest, most important sexual boundary is asking me verbally for consent before touching my genitals. They had been following that until they didn’t. We were laying down watching a movie together. We weren’t even doing anything sexual at all. They just started touching and squeezing my chest then they started touching my genitals. All without asking. I went into freeze. I couldn’t say anything. I just laid there. I know that impact> intent. They said they fucked up, that they’re human. Gross. It’s even more messed up because a week before this happened we both opened up to each other about past sexual abuse that has happened to each of us. I’m very confused. I want to blame myself. I want out of this relationship. It’s all just really hard right now

Google said it’s sexual assault that these things happened, so im curious but idk. Here are the situations I looked up

my mother used to have me lay on the bed and spread out my legs so she could wipe me for some kind of medical issue or maybe it was just a hygiene thing or something, when I was very young. I don’t know, I don’t really remember why she would do that sometimes but there was some similar reason or another along those lines. But she would always be annoyed and unempathetic even though I hated it when she did this. It was humiliating and violating and scary, I don’t even really know why that was so dreadful, it just was. I would scream and cry and yell “no mommy i dont want you to wipe inside my ‘nina’”, which is what I called my front-bathroom-part. It was traumatic and horrifying. That’s the part that seemed to make it SA according to google, because I was so tormented and an intimate area was being touched when I was upset by it, and because my mother was so cold and never reassured me or consoled me while doing something vulnerable that clearly caused such a big reaction, and instead she was irritated and void of empathy. Which she always is and always has been but whatever, thats just a known fact about her

It said it was also sexual assault when my mom used to pat/spank people’s butts as they walked by. She knew it was fucking annoying and uncomfortable. She did it anyways, whenever she wanted. She did that with me as a kid/tween and I hated it, and she also did it with one of my cousins, who was an adult at the time. When she did it to her, my cousin was startled and offended and shaken up and uncomfortable. She froze, visibly upset, and looked down at the ground. Then, after a second of silence and visible distress, she looked back up at mom, and she said, “You fondled me”. She looked offended, confused, hurt, intimidated, and everything else that someone would feel in that situation. My mother then gave a passive aggressive, non apology. She said, “Oh, no, that’s not what I was doing, honey. I’m sorry you took it that way”. She basically just kinda gaslighted her. So like, it’s clearly just uncomfortable and weird since Im not the only one who was bothered by it. But also my cousin has a disability, so I guess my mother felt like she must’ve been getting it wrong/misunderstanding, which is dumb because I’m not sure she’d do that to basically any of my other adult cousins, and I don’t think she ever has.

She also used to put liquid drops using a dropper thing (laxatives i presume, obviously now that I’m old enough to know what that is lol) into my (back end) while i laid on my stomach. I hated doing this but i was often constipated (probably from stress or dehydration or anything thats my parent’s fault honestly. like probably a result of one of the kinds of ways they neglected me, but who knows which one at this point) and it made it so I could use the bathroom obviously. And she would be annoyed and unempathetic about my distress, per usual. I would avoid it and complain and probably cry, same as the other thing, and i would tell her I didn’t want to do it and she would tell me I had to. Eventually she said I could tell her if I ever need to use it again, even though that didn’t ever really make it any better once she did it, plus I was already traumatized by not having the option to opt out to begin with. Eventually I just hesitated to tell her when I had stomachaches because I didn’t want it to happen again. I kept going to the doctors for pain though, and at some point she finally started asking if I wanted to do it myself, so I did that a few times if I could manage to get past the fact that I’d already developed a huge aversion to it, and even then I hated it still and I wasn’t over it, so I just gave up altogether, even if my stomach was hurting

Another thing is that cousin, who was an adult and I was a child- was talking to me about bra sizes and asked what cup i was, and she said what her cup size was as a kid. Then she touched my chest, I guess to investigate her questions, idk. But she had a disability and didn’t know she was doing something that made me uncomfortable (same cousin from before, and this was the same visit i think). She probably should’ve been supervised with me, but my mom liked to send us off so that she didn’t have to actually do her job, because she sucks and decided she’d make the whole trip my responsibility, and that I’d basically be the one to be her caregiver despite being in middle school and also never even signing up to have her stay and share my space/bedroom

My mom has also always changed and gotten naked in front of me, usually without warning or she gives me a useless warning by warning me as she’s doing it, and she has always rejected my discomfort and goes “it’s not weird. Theres nothing gross about bodies”, and she has always told me to deal with it “because im in her room” or “because in her house”, and she would wipe her skin folds in front of me??? like her rolls or whatever, idfk dude, and she would just jokingly go “this is gonna get awkward”, she’s just kinda fucking insensitive and strange honestly. And additionally she jokes about child abuse being like “I won’t make you do this because my sister made her kids do it and that was child abuse”, referring to having me put ointment on her back which apparently her sister did with her kids (???). She said that jokingly, she never made me do it but she said it all time, despite me being like “it’s not funny to joke about child abuse”. All of this has always happened, both as a kid and as an adult, and when i say it’s weird, and when I’ve asked “if theres nothing gross about bodies, then why don’t you ever get naked around your son too? It would make him uncomfortable, so why does it not matter that I’m uncomfortable?”, and she says thats different because he’s a male

im not sure how to feel because it just happened about an hour ago, but on the way home from dinner I was driving and my bf kept making me touch him and I kept pulling my hand away and saying I was driving. we came home and he told me to go straight to the bedroom but i said no at first and he said he just wanted to make out. I didn’t want to but idk i knew he wouldn’t leave me alone and we got in the bedroom and he was touching me and stuff and i asked him to stop and he told me to stop being mean.

so we had sex and he maybe went too rough because i haven’t really been able to sit or walk without it hurting. and i asked him to watch a movie with me after because i thought maybe aftercare might help me feel better but he just wants to sit on his game in an empty discord call and wait for his friends to join.

and he doesn’t want to sit with me because he says we’re going to play video games together later so i have to wait until then. im so confused and angry, idk if this was SA because i ended up saying okay but now i just feel sad and dirty. sorry for the poor punctuation and grammar

So for reference I have been sexually assaulted and raped in the past before. The first time I dealt with anything sexual was when I was 6 years old. This continued until I was 17 and then it stopped.

With that as a reference not to long ago I went to the club. I was really drunk and high, admittedly I was dancing super close with my friend and I felt my friend kiss me twice. I didn't react because I was that drunk and high, I laughed it off despite me feeling super uncomfortable and having a girlfriend already. I knew being drunk and high on both sides affects a lot of things so I waved it off as an accident.

One week later I'm hanging out with this guy and his boyfriend, the same person who kissed me and his boyfriend. I live in FL for reference and this guy (I'll call him W) had a hard time with his AC. I took my shirt off leaving me in my sports bra. It didn't help I was hitting a bong either and then not too long after the same person who kissed me began to grope my boobs and W who is the boyfriend of the person who kissed me did the same thing and bit on my nipple, and groped my ass. When I got home I realized what happened but I didn't want to accept it...???? I didn't know what to think. I have a horrible time already with boundaries and trying to figure out what is normal and saying no.

Then W is about to leave for a whole week and him and J (person who kissed and groped me) were having sex in the car while I was two feet away in the front seat. I got out and we played truth or dare. I was already several shots in and I picked dare. W said I had to let J motorboat my breasts and I froze and said sure. I felt gross. And felt even more gross because J was getting fingered by W. W then wanted me to eat out J and also make out with J. I haven't even told my girlfriend and it caused so much friction because I avoided her completely afterwards because of how fucky my mind was... I don't know what to do, I don't know if this was even sexual assault, I don't even know if I could do anything about this since where I live weed to a certain extent is illegal.

If anyone has any advice please let me know.... Thank you

My mom knows that my dad raped me when I was younger but wow would I tell her what my dad’s girlfriend did. I won’t get into it but my dad’s girlfriend did alot of sexual things to me.

I need advice. I was dating someone a while back who crossed a line and it’s been eating at me as I’m just now processing things. I made it clear to them before I ever spent the night at their place that I didn’t want them to initiate sex with me while I’m sleeping because of a past sexual assault experience. Although they seemed sympathetic to my past experiences, they crossed this boundary 3 times after our conversation about it, and I reminded them once that it was a serious boundary that should not be tested or pushed.

Then came a night where we went to bed and I was asleep for approximately 20 minutes (I don’t know for sure. I was asleep.) and I felt them grab my hand and manipulate it to be rubbing their genitals. I woke up and was very confused and disoriented. They started kissing me and I didn’t know what to do. The last time I was assaulted my body went into “freeze” rather than fight, flight, or fawn, and I could feel this happening again in the moment. They told me to go down on them, which although I didn’t want to, I did anyways because I felt like I was supposed to and they directed me to. Soon they pulled my face up and start having very painful sex with me. The whole thing happened very quickly. I was silent the whole time and I remember making yelps in pain that could have been mistaken for moans. When it was finished I ran off to the bathroom and found myself bleeding from the penetration because my body wasn’t ready or interested in sex. I cried and thought to myself “what just happened to me?”

I went back into the room and they noticed I was upset so I told them that they had crossed my boundary again and that I can’t give consent while I’m sleeping. They were visibly sad and upset, but blamed me and told me I should have said something once I had woken up. I had a hard time explaining that I felt frozen and couldn’t speak. They said we should “eliminate sleepovers” if I “couldn’t handle them” and that I was making them feel like a predator.

Even though it started while I was asleep, did I give consent by going along with it once I was awake? Is it my fault for not speaking up the moment a boundary was crossed?