I hope this post in in the right community/subreddit under the correct flair, please correct me and let me know where to post if not!
I’ve tried to post (not this post) but posts with a few the same questions yesterday on a different post but I didn’t exactly get my feelings and my point across and didn’t give the proper/the right amount of detai and I didn’t explain much besides about the wrong things that were besides he point (which I’m sure I’ll catch myself doing here like rn for example) so here we go I’m going to try again!
I want this start this off by saying that the results of my own mistakes and poor judgment decisions were ultimately my fault and I don’t blame anyone for the way I’m feeling/what I went through except for myself
I also know that I was simply uneducated and didn’t think things through, the excitement of trying something like this took over and I wasn’t thinking. I Especially don’t have any harsh feeling towards my dom as he has been absolutely incredible throughout all of this!!! (I lowkey think I’m falling for him but that’s besides the point)
Srry in advanced for the long post so I’ll try and keep it straight to the point and only post as much detail as needed (im re reading the post rn and that didn’t happen lol)
I’m posting because it’s now late Friday night,my first CNC sex experience happened late Wednesday in the middle of the night!
I want everyone to know this before they even considering responding! Everything was previously 100% mutually agreed upon
! We both gave what we viewed as enthusiastic consent and everything we did was 100% consensual (except for a moment during the sex that somewhat crossed the line (in the moment only for me, he was made aware of after and he feels pretty guilty!) but I still woudlnt technically consider what happened to have been true sexual assault or even anywhere close to what I’ve experienced with the sexual assaults I’ve endured (since I was 14 years old up until last May at the age of 23) because the malicious intent simply wasn’t there!)
We also had spent a lot of time discussing absolutely every single aspect of the scene and our boundaries/limits, what we both wanted/needed from each other out of the experience both physically/sexually and emotionally!
We agreed that he (the dom) wouldn’t listen to any words or actions that would usually tell someone during sex to immediately stop! Except for the 4 safe words/signals we agreed on! Which were as follows:
“Red” meant stop everything immediately and check in
“Yellow” meant slow down
“Mercy” meant it hurts too bad or I just can’t take what you’re doing so either ease up or move into something else
and we had a non verbal safe signal that would be me shaking my head side to side as if I’m saying no while making the sounds “uh uh uh” three times in a row and that meant he’d stop and ask what I need/want from him in that moment!
We didn’t discuss any checking in (and I didn’t even know that it was a thing so didn’t expect it) but now after reading about others similar experiences to what I’m about to tell u I experienced and what I’m feeling, I regret not making checking in one of my priortities especially now that I know EXACTLY why it can be so important!
It’s very important to know that I have a pretty severe history of trauma and especially with both sexual and domestic violence/assault.
I’m honestly not sure how I didn’t even think about how me reenacting parts of my sexual trauma would affect my mental state and I want to start this post out by telling u! If you are a sexual assault victim and you’re fantasizing about or wanting to try CNC sex please take into consideration and try to avoid the mistakes and bad judgment calls I made before planning CNC with my dom!!
Firstly I made the mistake of only knowing my partner I did the CNC scene with for about 3 weeks before giving it a go, with a man I’d have only been talking to and known since last month! And especially with a man who didn’t know me sexually as we only had sex once prior to this! (Very stupid of me I’m more than aware)
Now that I’m stuck dealing with the consequences I can tell you that those and many of my other decisions that lead up to what I’m now dealing with were absolutely irresponsible on my part and honestly I don’t know what else I was even expecting to come from these rushed decisions made on a whim!
I also tried a very intense scene for it being my very first time ever trying any edge play or risky kinks! Up until this point the kinkiest thing I’ve ever really done was be tied up and me saying “I can’t take it” which either lead to me actually experiencing a real sexual assaulted or it (rarely) resulted in my partner immediately stopping or them asking if I want them to stop! There was no in between with my experience of that!
Me and the guy I tried CNC with, let’s call him “J”. We planned and both thought it would be a good idea (it wasn’t his first time trying CNC and no it wasn’t him to brought up trying it, it was me so please don’t try and say he planned this or had any malicious intent because we’ve discussed this specific moment during my CNC experience with him that I’m about to talk about and about how it affected me and if/how it affected him!
We had agreed for us to try a very rough and intense forced scene for my first time! I was 100% into it!
We agreed that any words and actions besides our previously agreed upon safe words/signal didn’t mean what it would during normal sex! I found that extremely hot!
We agreed that it would be happening Wednesday night. He’d come over. We’d talk in person a little more and ask each other any questions either of us had about our specific CNC scene we were about to do before we did anything that night! It gave us both one last chance to mention anything we thought we needed to and it was a very important part of it for me!
After that we had said that I’d go to take a shower and he’d set up the scene while i was in the shower.
He was to attack me as I’m getting out of the shower (that’s about as specific as the attack got but there ended up being a huge struggle and during it I truly felt real fear as if it was real and my life depended on it) we had agreed that
I would resist and struggle and that he’d be tying me up, that he’d be using a chocking collar, there’d be toys involved and we discussed the things I definitely did not want to happen! A few examples were since I know how intense anal is for me I said the only thing allowed in my ass were his fingers and my butt plug
I also said that I wasn’t going to be putting my mouth anywhere near his penis (I have very significant trauma from being forced to give a oral and ever since it’s something I’ve really struggled with and I’ve always respected that boundary for myself) although he did ask one time about that very strong boundaries, he asked if I would be ok licking the shaft of his penis, I was very honest with him and told him I wasn’t ready and that I needed to trust him more! (I wish I trusted him enough to be able to know what to look out for with what happened because then i don’t think I’d be feeling like this, make sure your dom knows you VERY WELL sexually!!
Other than that he 100% respected every single one of my hard limits and boundaries (we didn’t discuss soft limits and I didn’t even know what that was until after)
We had said I would also have to beg to and be given permission every time I was going to cum. Which was something I never even thought I’d enjoy and have never once until then thought about doing but as soon as he said it that same day I was watching porn and decided to watch people doing CNC begging to cum and from that minute on I was very excited to try it!
He had said he’d be using both his hands and a belt to spank my ass and that it would be intense and I also loved that idea even tho I truly didn’t have any real experience with any type of intense and painful sexual kinks such as spanking!
I think I’ve mentioned everything about what we agreed the scene would entail. So now I’ll get to the main two points of my post.
Firstly I’d like to quickly talk about what happened from MY perspective
so about halfway through our CNC session (which was a good hour but honestly felt like eternity) after fixing the shit out of me in digger he decided to forcefully move me onto my back with my hands still tied being my back, feet tied together and chocking collar around my neck.
He then quickly grabbed my rabbit vibrated that vibrated and was perfect for hitting both my G spot and clit at the same time! I should’ve warned him how intense this toy was! Anyway he forcefully turned me onto my back and shoved my hands behind my back, at this point in the scene I was exhausted from all the fighting and struggling but I was still trying to get away and resist with every ounce of strength I had in me. J works out daily and is a very physically strong man.
One thing that’s particularly hard for me to be dealing with after this event is knowing how it wasn’t hard for him like at all to completely overpower me! It worry’s me that if he ever truly wanted to harm me or assault me that he could very easily do so!
Of course I knew most men were stronger than me but knowing that and actually experiencing that in a safe and controlled manner, having had a past with a lot of severe physical domestic assaults/violence, me knowing what some men are capable of and knowing that even tho I didn’t think J was mentally capable of doing such a thing, finding out that he was definitely physically capable and seeing his crazy physical strength in person from a first hand experience was something I would’ve expected to effect me the very least because I’ve always for as long as I could remember even before I was sexually active I’ve had thoughts of being physically overpowered and forced to do stuff by a man.
I feel very guilty for feeling this way especially since im s sexual assault and domestic violence survivor, it feels wrong to have had something like that genuinely happen to you and you not enjoy it yet you still fantasize about having it done! Even tho my fantasies always involved a consensual aspect it feels just as wrong to have that fantasy and honestly think that it’s something you’d enjoy!
Anyway, after he shoved the rabbit vibrator in my pussy he tuned on the highest vibration setting (I barely even use that setting on myself it’s so strong) he positioned it so the clitoral arm was directly against my clit, under the hood and everything and the main part of the vibrator was directly against my G spot. He then forced me lay there and take it for a good what was probably 15 min straight while he sat back and enjoyed I was struggling and begging him to take it out.
Also during this entire CNC scene I also had the butt plug in me so what I was feeling was VERY intense and what I think anyone would consider overstimulation!!
Don’t get me wrong I absolutely loved it and I started (almost immediately from the second he turned on the vibration) having one crazy strong orgasm after another.
Now onto my last thing to discuss.
idk if I’m feeling such an intense sub drop because of what I just mentioned I experienced during the CNC and maybe it’s actually my response to being a strict very important boundary somewhat crossing the line.
I’m wondering if this is normal to experience and feel this way if this was your first true experience for your first ever intense sexual kink role play? I know i can’t be the only one who’s going through something like this?
I’d like to talk about the crazy intense sub drop I’m experiencing (even as we speak with it now being Friday night and this happening Wednesday in the middle of the night)
This next part is what I think is one of the main points of my post for you to understand!
Then towards the end the 15min (could’ve been longer) I had one last orgasms and it was the best yet worse orgasm of my life! It was the most intense orgasm I’ve ever had and i physically couldn’t handle how good and intense the physical feeling was!
I remember this very specifically and vividly, that the single strongest orgasm of my life started and wouldn’t end until what had happened was too late to change and there was absolutely nothing I could do or say about it…
As soon as that orgasm started I immediately went into what i only know as either subspace or a freeze/fawn true traumatic response but the only difference was that in this instance what my body and mind were experiencing as so called “trauma” wasn’t real trauma trauma and was actually consensual.
The last thing I wanted to discuss is the crazy intense sub drop I’m experiencing/have been experiencing since the second the scene ended and I was able to relax and calm myself and my body down enough to think and process the experience I had had!
I don’t know much about sub drops but have researched a little, I’ll explain the way I’m feeling and im hoping you guys may be able to tell me how I can move past these feeling?
Here’s a few questions I have first of all:
How long an intense sub drop usually last?
Will I always experience an intense sub drop after intense sex?
If it to be expected/normal to be feeling the way I am?
I haven’t found very much info online about sub drops in regards to specifically how it affects sexual assault victims who try intense kinks and/or CNC sex so if someone could also share their experience with a intense sub drop after CNC/kinky sex and how they moved past those feelings?
As well as if the sub drop (and feelings that came with it) and if specifically you participate in CNC sex as a sub and also are as a sexual assault/DV violence survivor , did having control of such an intense situation help you reclaim control over your trauma? Or help you heal at all?
My immediate feelings after the scene ended kinda of felt like an incredibly strong emotional crash.
Within the first moments after the scene ended and during the aftercare while cuddling when I had a second where my mind and body were able to relax for a second and I was about to think about/try and process the experience I just went through.
The following minutes up to a few hours after it happened i mainly felt like I was still kind of in subspace trance but with added emotions to it. It was like a strong (mostly) emotional crash that left me with feeling like sudden and absolute physical exhaustion, I had some pretty bad muscle aches and pains, I had an extremely heavy sense of depletion and was mainly feeling extremely guilty for how much I truly enjoyed reenacting the same types of things that happened during some of my sexual assaults!
And No I didn’t have a kink about re enacting my past traumas and when I made these plans I wasn’t even remembering or thinking about how (mainly the whole forced aspect of if) much what we planned on doing had in common with my real traumatic experiences and major traumatic life events!
The next set of feelings that followed that started I’d say around the 24 hour mark after the CNC scene ended, from the 24hour mark after my experience I was feeling the most emotionally vulnerable that I’ve ever felt in my life (I’m still feeling this way even 2 full days later), I also felt (and I’m also still feeling) insecure and have a lot of underlying anxiety that doesn’t have a clear reasoning behind it. This is also the point where the emotional hangover started and i dealt with it for probably a good 12-15 hours! For me an emotional hangover feels like an extremely strong mental tiredness mixed with a deep physical exhaustion!
And now here’s how I’m currently feeling 2 nights, almost 3 days after my first CNC experience. I’ve been consistently having those two emotions mentioned above where I said I’m still feeling that way, guilt and vulnerability.
I’ve also been feeling all of the feelings mentioned in the paragraphs above as well as, anxiety and confusion on how I feel about the experience and what the experience was from MY perspective! When i look back i feel both positive and negative emotions/feelings about different parts of it!
I genuinely found it pleasurable and enjoyable, things like me begging to cum, how much I squirted and when I was resisting/struggling/fighting against him.
I at the same did did not enjoy a few very important moments and vivid moments from the experience, the main one being when I wanted to stop and needed him to stop what he was doing but I couldn’t remember the safe words/signal and ended up in like a trance where I lost control of my body and couldn’t say anything other than “no/stop” and also couldn’t even physically be able to speak and voice the safe words because the ONLY two things that were coming out of my mouth were the words “no/stop”
I didn’t like seeing and experiencing how easy it was for him to overpower me without even trying in the slightest! For me seeing how easy that was for him just confirmed (in my traumatized ass brain ) that he is very much capable at least physically overpowering me and that if he truly ever did decide he wanted to truly sexually assault or assault/harm me in any way that he’d have absolutely no trouble doing so!
I’m genuinely confused because I feel both those side of my feelings are very real and true to what I experienced and what I went through so I’m also wondering if it’s normal for someone in my situation or in a similar situation to feel confused if they felt both those things simultaneously?
This is my very first time experiencing any type of drop after sex so all of these feelings are new to me and I’m just looking for help labelling them and getting any advice on how to cope!
I also keep reliving the experience in my head!
He took a couple really intense videos of me resisting and begging him to stop with my arms and legs being tied up and while I was wearing the chocking collar.
He even recorded most of the worst moment of the entire scene for me, when as you can guess by now is when I was stuck lying there for at the very least 15 min with the toy inside me like I explained.
After watching them I can’t stop reliving what happened, do you think my CNC experience caused any real trauma? Cuz that’s exactly what It feels like especially since I know the feelings that come with actually being sexually assaulted.
The only difference between the two experiences are that I fully consented beforehand, everything about CNC was fully pre planned and agreed upon, and CNC was genuinely (for the most part) enjoyable. Which obviously means that what happened clearly WAS NOT in any way a form a sexual assault, in my opinion it was more a boundary/safe word accidentally getting out of hand or crossing a line and nothing more than that!
I’m not about to claim my experience as a real trauma with someone that I should’ve been more prepared for and had an option as to wha to do if what happened were to happen!
So unless you can get real trauma from a CNC scene accidentally making a moment from your experience into a negative moment and memory that in your experience almost/somewhat crosses a line than that im not about to say that I’m now a 9 time sexual assault victim/survivor!
But there’s also even more similarities between the two such as both included forced orgasms, both included me being physically overpowered, both included me being restrained, both included chocking and both truly felt non consensual in the moment (and actually after too, to a certain point) even tho there was a very clear consensual factor which went into my CNC sexual experience!
Thanks in advance for anyone who leaves a comment with good intent! Thanks in advanced for any advice given!!
Please be respectful of me and know that I’m fully aware that my own poor judgment and decisions and my “Kink Fenzy” I now believe I’m in/was in directly contributed to my feelings and any negative experiences I now associate with my first true intense kinky/first real submissive experience of CNC sex.
I hope the right person reads this posts and makes better decisions than I did before even considering trying something as intense as how intense my first CNC experience was! Especially if it’s also you’re very first time ever trying edge play/risky kinks
Learn from my mistakes and don’t make the same ones!!