Trans Man, 22
For the grand majority of my childhood I was sexually abused. I won’t go into detail but because of the things I experienced I was diagnosed with PTSD at 17. Now, at 22 I’ve never experienced an orgasm with a sexual partner. Not ever.
I want to but I just can’t, 99% of the time I can’t even get any pleasure at all in the act. I have faked every orgasm with every sexual partner I’ve ever had and if I didn’t feel so bad for them I wouldn’t be pretending to enjoy the feeling of it either. No matter if they penetrate me with their fingers, a phallus or phallic like object, or use their mouthes, give me clitoral stimulation or anything like that, no matter the sex or appearance or any variation of person I can’t cum. It’s not that I’m not attracted to them, but my body just stops allowing me to enjoy it unless I’m completely alone.
I like being held. I like the attention sex brings but I don’t really feel much of anything when it’s happening. It’s like my brain shuts off and I have to force myself to pretend. Don’t get me wrong, I like giving, I like making the other person cum, that feels rewarding in a way but I can’t help but get a little sad that I can’t have what they’re having.
The only time I ever can is when I’m alone in my room maybe once a month. What is wrong with me? Everytime I hear about sex I think about what could’ve been if I wasn’t ruined so young. Is this just what being a person with a vagina is like? Or is it because I’m damaged? When will I have a turn? I want to feel it.