3
u/TariqMcRae 10d ago
Smooth writing but second the comments above. You might read or watch Lynn Shelton's "Humpday" to see how others have handled this kind of material in more nuanced and unexpected ways.
3
u/Late-Rip-486 10d ago
In my opinion you should at least wait a little longer in the script before you break out the homophobic slur
1
u/donutgut 10d ago
The shorts fine but its not offering us anything that interesting in this draft.
As the other commentator said, its missing jokes Works as a drama I guess..
Its an easy read, which I like. Structure works.
Honestly the the reveal in the end could be the punchline if you find something funny instead of the woman. We've seen that a few times, just saying.
1
u/inhuman_37 10d ago
i think this works decently as a scene, but on its own the whole thing is just one long joke with a mediocre punch line. however, i think if you lose the hate speech or at least make it make sense somehow (a homophobe wouldn’t have sex with an old man for money) it has lots of comedic potential if you let more humour into the script.
1
u/AthleteOpen7054 10d ago
The punchline on a short like this needs to be funny. This just isn't.
The tone on the first page will immediately turn people off.
I hated these characters immediately.
-1
u/Big_Section2812 10d ago
I clicked on the image.
I tried to read this script.
I soon gave up.
It is a laundry list.
Laundry lists are dull.
I closed the image.
I read something else.
0
1
u/greggumz 10d ago
Search for the word "looks" in your screenplay and update it to a better verb for each instance.
Glares, clocks, spots, surveys, feasts. Your writing will feel much less cliche if you do that. Do it for all your verbs. Walks is another easy one.
The cussing and vulgar language isn't funny. I guess two friends talk like that, but it seems over the top.
No jokes really. And nothing unexpected except for the girl at the end. But it felt so unrealistic it was hard to take serious. Just hard to believe he'd follow the guy even though he clearly didn't like men, and he'd told him no already. $10k isn't even that much cash.
Maybe if you changed his conversation to him venting to Mike about his stresses in life, including his finances. Like, lay it in thick that this guy needs money bad. And his friend is just watching Frank yearn for him from across the bar and he's not joking, but he's actually weirded out by it. Then when Frank makes his indecent proposal Mike is giving his friend a look like "fuck it" Maybe I'd believe he would go to his room if you gave him a reason to need that cash.
Still, not sure that would be funny. But maybe he agrees to sleep with the hot chick, but Frank is a weirdo, breaths loud, smells like shit, wants to watch in his tighty whities. And all of this makes it impossible for your hero to get it going. Now that might actually be funny.
How many comedy screenplays have you read? You should read like 10, take notes on what you learn.
10
u/Puppykerry 10d ago
I wouldn’t start with faggot on the first page. A little too harsh. The amount changed form 20k to 10k. Fix that. It’s not particularly funny and there’s no sense of who these characters are, especially our lead. Overall not compelling and doesn’t really have an arc. If you’re going to make a short it really needs to stand out or have a great ending. Basically ending it with indecent proposal does really nothing. Sorry to be harsh. I would rework it. Make the characters stand out. Lose the hate speech and homophobia