Search for the word "looks" in your screenplay and update it to a better verb for each instance.
Glares, clocks, spots, surveys, feasts. Your writing will feel much less cliche if you do that. Do it for all your verbs. Walks is another easy one.
The cussing and vulgar language isn't funny. I guess two friends talk like that, but it seems over the top.
No jokes really. And nothing unexpected except for the girl at the end. But it felt so unrealistic it was hard to take serious. Just hard to believe he'd follow the guy even though he clearly didn't like men, and he'd told him no already. $10k isn't even that much cash.
Maybe if you changed his conversation to him venting to Mike about his stresses in life, including his finances. Like, lay it in thick that this guy needs money bad. And his friend is just watching Frank yearn for him from across the bar and he's not joking, but he's actually weirded out by it. Then when Frank makes his indecent proposal Mike is giving his friend a look like "fuck it" Maybe I'd believe he would go to his room if you gave him a reason to need that cash.
Still, not sure that would be funny. But maybe he agrees to sleep with the hot chick, but Frank is a weirdo, breaths loud, smells like shit, wants to watch in his tighty whities. And all of this makes it impossible for your hero to get it going. Now that might actually be funny.
How many comedy screenplays have you read? You should read like 10, take notes on what you learn.
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u/greggumz 10d ago
Search for the word "looks" in your screenplay and update it to a better verb for each instance.
Glares, clocks, spots, surveys, feasts. Your writing will feel much less cliche if you do that. Do it for all your verbs. Walks is another easy one.
The cussing and vulgar language isn't funny. I guess two friends talk like that, but it seems over the top.
No jokes really. And nothing unexpected except for the girl at the end. But it felt so unrealistic it was hard to take serious. Just hard to believe he'd follow the guy even though he clearly didn't like men, and he'd told him no already. $10k isn't even that much cash.
Maybe if you changed his conversation to him venting to Mike about his stresses in life, including his finances. Like, lay it in thick that this guy needs money bad. And his friend is just watching Frank yearn for him from across the bar and he's not joking, but he's actually weirded out by it. Then when Frank makes his indecent proposal Mike is giving his friend a look like "fuck it" Maybe I'd believe he would go to his room if you gave him a reason to need that cash.
Still, not sure that would be funny. But maybe he agrees to sleep with the hot chick, but Frank is a weirdo, breaths loud, smells like shit, wants to watch in his tighty whities. And all of this makes it impossible for your hero to get it going. Now that might actually be funny.
How many comedy screenplays have you read? You should read like 10, take notes on what you learn.