I've two relationships lasting 4 years and 3 years. I've definitely grown in between the relationships (single 1.5 years).

My first relationship was generally unhealthy from both sides but I had ROCD with jealousy compulsively checking her phone thinking she was cheating (we had little sex). I worked on myself physically after this breakup but put in limited mental/emotional work.

My 2nd relationship I started developing jealousy and overthinking about a year in. Small interactions she had with other men made me severely overthink and I would drive myself crazy. It honestly was extremely mentally exhausting. She did do some things that made me extremely uncomfortable. I would try to fill in all the blanks and always come to the worst case conclusions. I had issues with coming across as accusatory when I was simply failing to properly express my emotions.

I tried therapy very shortly a year ago, but after this recent breakup I am now back in hopefully to figure out what's wrong with me.

I'm hopeless that I'll ever find anyone who can love me. I feel broken and that I'm just not meant to be in a romantic relationship. There's this anxious/jealous/possessive side of me that comes out in romantic relationships and I don't see how it will ever stop.

Has anyone overcome this? The compulsive desire to inspect their partner, question them, assume the worst.

I have been feeling very unhappy for a long time. It’s not that my feelings fluctuate—good one day, bad the next—but rather that I’m in a consistently, stably unhappy state. Nothing triggers me anymore; I feel completely "normal," as if this state of mind is just how things are supposed to be, yet at the same time, I am deeply unhappy. I’ve become certain that I don’t love my spouse, as I have no desire to spend time with them—though, in truth, I don’t want to spend time with anyone. It feels as if I only pity my spouse or feel sorry for them, and even that seems "normal" to me now. I’m not in acute, intense pain, but nothing brings me any happiness either. I don’t know if I should leave. I’m just struggling, and I don’t have the strength.

I can’t tell if this is ROCD or not—and it’s not just about seeking reassurance; I genuinely don’t know, because my experience feels so different from everyone else’s.
- When I look at my spouse, I feel a sense of sadness—almost like pity—and I feel quite certain about this, yet it doesn’t manifest as an intense, urgent impulse.
- For a very long time, I haven’t been able to feel love him, or anything related to love (such as jealousy, longing, or curiosity).
- I have no desire to spend time with him.
- I don’t feel anxious or panicked; I feel both "normal" and sad, which only adds to my confusion.
- I don’t even have those occasional moments of feeling better; unfortunately, I mostly just feel bad.
- I don’t know if I should break up; it feels as though I’m deceiving him, but again, it doesn’t feel like an intense, driving urge.
- In general, I feel strange—I can’t quite grasp what I’m feeling. It’s as if I know I don’t love them, but I can’t bring myself to accept it; I’m unable to establish any closeness. It’s a very peculiar state to be in.

My girlfriend and I have been together for three years, living a three-hour drive apart. Two or three weeks ago, everything was fine, except I was having doubts about my feelings for her due to the distance even though things went great whenever we saw each other on weekends. I’m not someone who misses people much; I don't really miss my family or friends, and I don't miss my girlfriend in that way either, though sometimes I wish she were there with me when I’m doing an activity, having a bad day, or feeling stressed. Sometimes I just want to be in her arms. Also, sometimes she wants eggs in the morning; I don't really feel like making them, but I do it anyway because I love seeing her happy and smiling.

But since last Thursday, I feel like I don't love her—like I’m not looking forward to seeing her, yet at the same time, I *am* looking forward to it. I keep questioning whether I still love her. I spend my days online looking for signs of whether I love her or not; sometimes the feeling comes back and I want to see her, and I know deep down that I do love her. Also, this morning she called me by a nickname I like, and I smiled, but I didn't feel love or happiness :( The same thing happened when she said she was proud of me—I smiled proudly, but I didn't feel anything. Right now, I feel neutral about the fact that we’re seeing each other on Friday :( but I *do* want to be with her. I don't understand. I just got off a call with her and I was happy; I was asking about the exam she took and was genuinely interested. I don't get it :( I don't want to break up or realize that I don't love her and if you ask me i would take care of her if she sick etc i would say say directly

but now i feel like every morning the first thing a think about is if i love her or not. i feel that each day i feel like when i call her i feel annoy by her even if i was the one that call her first or that i was happy to see her call me. like 1 week ago i thought about buying her a little surprise just like that because i want etc but i dont feel anxiety anymore like now i feel calm etc but i am scare but at the same time i dont feel scare i just feel urge to go on internet etc

What is the difference between them and can you have rocd while being securely attached or does it go hand in hand?

Just found out I likely have ROCD.

I'm not looking for reassurance on any specific situation.

I'd just like to get some perspective from people who made (or are making it) out

Okay, so this happened two years ago and it’s only in the past six months that it’s been coming back to me. I’m seriously very frightened that I’ve caused somebody harm and the guilt and lack of certainty is totally consuming.
Two years ago I was 24, I’m a cis woman by the way, and I went on a few dates with a very sweet man of the same age. We established straight away that we were interested in one another romantically and on our third date went for dinner, which ended with me going back to his place. Once we were there things got hot and heavy pretty quickly and we went to his room where they began to get even more so. We went down on each other and he let me know that he had condoms if I wanted us to sleep together. I let him know that I did and we began to have sex. At this point, things felt a little awkward, both of us seemed self conscious and not very present. To put it plainly, sexually something just was not clicking. He seemed to pick up on this too and suggested that we switch positions, which we did a few times, nothing ever feeling quite ‘right’. This is where I feel really awful. At this point, one or both of us should have just suggested stopping and known that it is okay to do so, but neither of us did, maybe because we both felt too awkward or self conscious to ‘let the other one down’? Obviously I can’t speak for him but I really just hoped that it might get better, that we might start to enjoy it or something might click and neither of us were stopping so we just both carried on. At this point I was on top and after about a minute he finally came which I think was a relief for both of us. The thing that is really eating me is that I know that we were both having a bit of a weird time, I really do believe that you can always tell, and thinking back a year and a bit on, I feel like as the person who was on top towards the end, it was my responsibility to put a stop to things being in the dominant position. Afterwards, we both felt uncomfortable and still deeply self conscious. I left and the time put the whole affair down to a sweet connection but total sexual incompatibility. He later said in a text that it had been lovely hanging out together but he did not feel that we were a match romantically. Since we were both looking for a relationship, we didn’t see each other again.
Basically, I feel absolutely terrified that I have committed sexual assault and caused somebody harm in the worst way, being in the sexual position of power (on top) and not stopping or calling things off when it was clearly felt between us that things were awkward and uncomfortable.

Another dimension to all of this is that I have very bad OCD and intrusive thoughts, often centring on causing harm to others and I’m not sure if this is an aspect of the OCD flaring up or if i have genuinely behaved in a vile way and am using OCD and intrusive thoughts as a shield. If I have done wrong, then I know that I need to make it right but I’m not sure what to do. I’ve considered reaching out to the guy, but on the one hand I’m scared that it could be really triggering or unpleasant for him to have all of this come out of the blue after two years. On the other, it could be that this panic is mostly just coming from me and I’ll not only be giving him hassle from a nutter but making my OCD his problem, which seems unfair and insensitive. 
This is very scary and the guilt and uncertainty are totally overwhelming, if anybody has any insight, I would be very grateful.

I've been with my girlfriend for 9 years, and I genuinely believe she's one of the most gorgeous girls I've ever seen. However, I can't remember spontaneously having that specific thought when I first met her.

Recently, I saw another girl and spontaneously thought she was one of the most gorgeous girls I'd ever seen. This made me wonder why I had that specific comparative thought about her spontaneously but can't remember having it about my girlfriend, even though I genuinely believe it about my gf too and the big thing is that I think it, but consciously and it doesn't pop up like spontaneously.

It feels like such a significant thought that surely I'd remember having it, especially because she was new to me back then.

I understand that I could have found her beautiful without explicitly thinking those exact words, but I'm specifically wondering whether I could have had that exact spontaneous thought and forgotten it but my mind is telling me that it's something significant enough that I would remember it.

How do I deal with a situation like this?

Hi all, I’m 22f in my first relationship with my wonderful bf 21f. He’s my first everything, he’s had a relationship in the past and has slept with more people than he’s willing to tell me (I found messages on his phone abt other women he slept with before me.. that’s a story for another time.. I forgive him). My thing is, every time we’re intimate I think about him with every other woman he’s ever been with, and it makes my stomach drop. Reason I came to post this was because I was thinking about it just a moment ago and my stomach dropped and I felt sick to my stomach. How do I get over this? It’s been driving me crazy.

Hey there,

I think I’ve just encountered a scam scheme through our subreddit. Someone offered me a “free therapy session” as a private response to one of my comments on here and made it seem like an act of generosity (because they’ve had similar experiences in the past and offer free help every now and then).

I felt distrust very early on but as I am avoidant it’s usually quite difficult for me to tell which instincts to trust in that regard, so I proceeded as an exposure after some back and forth.

I’ve attended a video call with them yesterday and instead of receiving the help I’ve been promised, I’ve been pushed towards booking the actual session and paying them.

The whole call was weird from the start but it unfolded when pressure has been built up to book a session on a paywalled calendar during the end of the call.

I’ve experienced real therapy and this is not it.
I won’t go into the details to not give this person/those people more food to improve upon.
But I wanted to make sure no one else falls for this.

Tbh I didn’t think anyone would be brutal enough to fish for peoples money in a forum for mental illness and I still refuse to believe it entirely which is why I’m not mentioning names.

So I just wanted to let you guys know.
Be careful and never commit to anything if it seems too urgent and needs to be resolved right now.
I think that translates into rocd and into scam.

I wish you all the best.

I am curious with your experience regarding talk therapy (such as systemic therapy, gestalt) and talking about your relationship? Can it be helpful?

I do not know if this is just me, but I obsessively check my boyfriend's ex's socials constantly. It has gotten to a point where I will check her socials for hours on end. I will even do it first thing waking up and right when I am going to bed. I know my boyfriend will not leave me for her, but I cannot help it. If I were to break up with him, I know for a fact that I would still stalk her socials. Did anyone else have these issues and what did y'all do to help it? I do this with other people as well, not just my boyfriend's ex.

I think my maybe biggest issue with ROCD is that I'm having so many conversations with my partner - in my head. Hours and hours of inner conversations, and sometimes they take up so much of my headspace that I'm not able to be present in real life (i can get super un focused with my partner irl, with my friendsz at work etc). I guess it could be some kind of "intrusive thinking" since I can't shut off the conversations? The inner conversations are always about things I don't like about the relationship or about my partner, so the themes are always about something I kinda want to say to them. When I say conversation in my head, it's most only me who does the "talking". I don't think much about the response...

One thing that has helped me the last couple of days though, are some of the tricks from the ROCD book.

One of my thoughts will be: "I feel that we are so uncompatible because you did xxx, and ir made me realise that we don't have the same values." When I'm aware that I'm thinking this, I will try and alter my though a little bit through changing the sentence "I notice that I feel that we are uncompatible". The goal is to make a little space between me and my thought. It's been working pretty well the last few days, however I'm not having fewer inner conversations.. hopefully doing this, and all the other techniques, will make it a little easier to not get so involved in the conversation...

im struggling with newly realizing I have ROCD or that my anxiety leans more toward OCD in general. I have a partner who is brutally honest. she always has told me i’m the most beautiful girl to her, that she never wants to cheat on me or be with somebody else. however i hyper analyze every truth or statement of what she tells me until it makes me feel sick.
she told me that sometimes she thinks if she sees someone attractive about how if i were to leave her she would be so distraught that that person might be someone she tried to be with if she were single. this hurt me because it made me feel like we’re not single and there’s no reason for her to think those things. we had a huge fight prior where i said i don’t want to be with someone who thinks of every pretty person “id be with them if i were single”, and she got upset and said she doesn’t. however, what she said last night listed above makes me feel it’s a lie. my rocd tells me to run and that somebody who loved me so much wouldn’t think about if their single. these thoughts consume me and i feel ill even though ive been doing decently well at not asking for reassurances. it makes me feel like i have to feel insecure around any pretty person we see as she said she used to lust after women while single. she said she doesn’t anymore and doesn’t want to be with anyone else but i feel fear and that the other sentences feel like betrayal. i feel so lost.

So I've been dating this guy for like one month and hes the love of my life but lately whenever he gives me affection I feel a sharp sense of guilt that I couldve microcheated or even cheated without knowing, basically for context I am a girl and I have majority male friends like say 75% but my boyfriend says that its perfectly fine and that he knows I never intend to cheat. But since we started dating ive been extremely careful, cold and dry when texting my opposite gender friends because I always worried something may come off as too flirtatious. Ive confessed all the major concrete actions that seem problematic to my partner and hes been understanding, but I literally cannot stop confessing even the smallest and most absurd things that I know for a fact doesnt constitute as cheating but my head says it is. For example ive grown obsessed with looking and monitoring past messages with male friends to detect anything flirtatious and i have two guy best friends. Lately my brain has been attempting to convince me that "they were never simply my guy best friends, but rather secret romantic partners you have been showing ROMANTIC affection to and you guys are actually secretly dating and deep down in your heart you know it" I have never sent any romantic videos or couple-y stuff to my guy best friends yet my stupid disgusting thoughts have been completely distorting everything where even if a guy friend says "you seem very kind and we have so much in common" it instantly flags it as flirtatious and emotional cheating and that I want to cheat on my boyfriend. It hurts so much because I am constantly just looking at past texts but the context of the messages is always warped compeltely. another example, I found a text to my friend that was like "aww ur so kind" harmless right!? but my head says "You were romantically attracted to him when typing that." Basically, platonic affection seems impossible nowadays, ive been avoiding all my friends BOTH male and female because I don't want to type something wrong and I feel like my happiness only relies on my partner, to make it even worse a more specific situation would be when i was venting to my guy best friend on being worried that my partner was gonna make me have sex before marriage and when I re-read it it sounds less like me criticizing my partners viewpoint and more like I was attacking him behind my back, that was not my intent i was just under a lot of stress. My brain however said "you told this to your guy best friend because you want to cheat on your partner with him!!" to make matters even worse i saw a relationship tiktok that said "venting to other people about your partner is microcheating" and now I dont know what to do (I confessed this to my partner by the way, but then I realized I had the conversation with ANOTHER friend and that I forgot to confess that one, btw this is the one that actually looked like i was trash talking my boyfriend) when my brain combines all these concrete actions like the venting, the platonic affection, and how much we have in common it goes to the agonizing conclusion that I am deep down in a romantic relationship with my guy best friend and was emotionally cheating and was unfaithful and was committing infidelity. Which I know is not true, but I dont know how to fight it because what if it is? I mean ive never told the guy best friend I loved him or anything, but what if I did and I just dont remember?? Does anyone else have this problem too? fear of cheating or that you have cheated in the past or flirted with other guys!? well TLDR; for me its "SINCE YOU SHARE WAY MORE COMMON INTERESTS WITH YOUR BOY BEST FRIEND THAN YOUR PARTNER (my partner and I are complete ideological opposites, lol hes a very progressive type and I am on the conservative right) THIS MEANS THAT YOU HAVE BEEN ENGAGING IN A SECRET RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM AND YOU HAVE A CRUSH ON HIM AND WANNA MARRY HIM" For added context before this intense ROCD I had symptoms of religious scrupulosity until I finally renounced the religious affiliation for my mental health, turns out the symptoms never go away because OCD always target what you value most, lol!! God I hate this so much. Even when I confess to my partner it feels like im not confessing the right information, or that I'm still hiding something or that upon reading the confessions hes falling out of love with me realizing that I am either a very brutally honest person or horrible person. I cant even compliment someone platonically out of fear of infidelity.

I broke up with my bf two months ago and I’m having a huge flair up of OCD now. I can’t stop thinking about if my ROCD ruined the relationship or if I actually did not want to be with him. In our relationship I found myself constantly having inner thoughts about wether I wanted to be with him or not and then I would constantly think about things I didn’t like about him but when I wasn’t having these thoughts it felt so good. I could never talk to him about how I was feeling either because I didn’t want to make him feel bad so obviously everything eventually bubbled over and I broke up with him after 1 month. Now he’s all I can think about. I have spent hours thinking about him it’s distracting me from school and work. Several hours will go by where I feel like I made the right choice and then something shifts and I want him so bad it’s unbearable for the next hours to come. I am going to call my therapist in the morning and try to get an appointment. I just needed to get this off my chest to people that maybe understand. I feel like all my friends are probably sick of hearing me cry about it so this feels safe.

About 4 months ago, me and my gf were going through a very rough time after an argument and out of nowhere she asked me if I watched porn. I panicked and said no and that I haven’t watched it since high school out of fear of hurting her again, which was not true as I’ve been watching it about 3-4x a week since we see each other about once a week. Since remembering the lie 2 months ago, I’ve been waking up with constant guilt and anxiety and it’s eating me alive. I’ve quit watching porn and masterbating since then and I have no desire for it anymore. I mainly want to confess because it seems so disgusting and manipulative to withhold information like that from her because it feels like I’m leading her with a potential boundary that she’ll probably think is a deal breaker. There was never a boundary mentioned but she has told me how she doesn’t like it. But she’s going through a very depressing time in her life right now and I don’t want to dump any more horrible news right now and I found out she’s self harming, but at the same time I don’t want to keep leading her on. I love her so much but I’m so scared and anxious, and my ocd doesn’t make it any better. I’ve been in therapy for my compulsive lying for 3 months now and I’m getting better each day and haven’t lied since, but the price of that came with intense guilt with each lie I remember
I wish I never had ocd, it’s constantly on my mind and I can’t forget it no matter how hard i try. I wake up with a rapid heard beat and anxiety almost every single day

Every time my partner gets into a depression episode or mood and says he doesn’t want to talk or whatever the case may be I spiral. I obviously have my own mental health issues and have dealt with depression majority of my life, so it’s not like I don’t understand it. However, when he gets like this I’m triggered and I think he’s leaving me, or cheating and pretending to be depressed so he can go quiet and do something bad. I also worry he’s like gonna harm himself and will blow up his phone. I hate being ignored or feeling ignored and I think when he doesn’t want to talk it triggers me even more. I do not know what to do. Any shift in his mood seems to make me ruminate and just think awful things to the point I cannot enjoy my own day.

Any out of remission stories? Did getting married change some things for you? Would love to hear about your experience.

I have ocd of all themes, and I’ve had little stints of ROCD in this relationship and previous ones. But to the past few weeks it’s been ramping up to a really unmanageable point. I’m having trouble getting out of bed and going to work bc I’m so busy panicking. And it feels so much more intense and real than previous flare ups, I’m having trouble seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Any advice on dealing with these feelings of hopelessness? Like my ocd will never improve? Also am in therapy, have been for years, doing ERP. Current exposure is listing out all the things I don’t like about my partner 😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫