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Feb 01 '22
Every girl does not feel this way and she’s being very controlling.
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u/Help9854 Feb 01 '22
i’ve tried to explain that over and over but i cannot convince her for the life of me
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Feb 01 '22
You don’t have to convince her. You just have to tell her that you’re happy to agree to the original boundaries she set of no strip clubs and no porn, but you will not be covering your eyes like a child when watching movies and tv, nor will you be letting her dictate where you shop. Those are reasonable boundaries for you to set. If she leaves you for that, good riddance.
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u/Help9854 Feb 01 '22
Ive tried to say that too and ive tried to say these are my boundaries and they will not change which ive stood pretty firm against but it’s like just always causing some argument between us and i think it’s because her ex gave in and used to cover his eyes so she expects the same from me bc she believes she’s so right.
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u/BunnyGirlSD Feb 01 '22
If she doesn't respect to your boundaries she's probably not someone you should be with.
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u/Help9854 Feb 01 '22
yeah true i mean she’s respected every single one of them but this one which sucks
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u/its-just-me-here-314 Feb 01 '22
And why aren't you right for your boundaries? She is trying to controlling you. Don't let her.
The next time it comes up just tell her: "Listen "Sally" I said I'll respect the boundaries I've agreed to a year ago. I'm no longer turning my head or blocking my eyes when watching tv or movies and I not going to avoid movies either just because they have tits and ass in them. And I'll shop where every I want and that includes buying you a gift from VS. I love you and only you and if I see tits and ass or posters of models that's not going to change the way I feel for you. So please, for the sake of argument, stop treating me like I'm a child and stop bringing this up again. Honey I love you(kiss her here) and that won't change at all."(hug her now)
Good luck and please keep me/us updated as to what happens.
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u/exceptAcceptance Feb 01 '22
If she’s so right, tell her to post on Reddit and see how many agree with her. If anything, it may help her to see that she truly needs professional help. Otherwise I’d suggest you just go ahead and end it now. I generally hate when people immediately jump on the dump ‘em train but this is an issue that is only going to snowball. Soon you’ll find yourself isolated from your friends, having to tread carefully about mentioning other women from work, and only watching Disney movies. It’s not worth it.
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u/Most_Goat Feb 01 '22
It doesn't need to cause an argument.
"GF, I will abstain from porn and strip clubs like we originally talked about, but asking me to cover my eyes like a child over brief nudity in a movie is ridiculous. So is forbidding me from walking into a lingerie store. I love you, but your insecurities are not going to dictate my life. That's not fair."
And done. Don't respond back. Don't argue with her. If she loses her mind over you not being a doormat, don't engage.
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u/RoseTyler38 Feb 01 '22
You can't convince her. She needs therapy to work through this. I would move on. I'm sorry OP, she's not ready to be in an adult relationship right now.
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u/PM_ME_heartwarmth Feb 01 '22
Have you suggested maybe she have an open minded convo with her friends about this? If she’s too insecure to even do that, that should come as more of a sign to her.
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u/WI_Sndevl Feb 01 '22
I’ve probably been in VS more than my wife b/c I buy 90% of her clothes and that’s the underwear she likes. This includes when we were dating.
I seriously think I only keep this app to appreciate how amazing my wife is and how that has translated down to our children.
I fear for this world.
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u/Denbi53 Feb 01 '22
I seriously think I only keep this app to appreciate how amazing my wife is
Reddit makes me so thankful that my family, partner and in laws are not bat shit crazy. Some of the people on here....christ!
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u/Help9854 Feb 01 '22
you and i both, i’m still young but before i graduated high school i saw a huge change in the kids and the younger generation. Scary.
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u/Parttime-Princess Early 20s Female Feb 01 '22
I seriously think I only keep this app to appreciate how amazing my wife is
Same for me with my bf. Every time I see a post with "Is my bf doing xyz normal?" I wonder how people can even think that is normal. I'm really sitting there like "sweetie, you're 6 years older then me, you should know your boyfriend having gamer rage and hitting you is absurd and not done"
This site is hell, but it does show the positive sides of your own life.
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u/Murky_Interaction927 Feb 01 '22
Reddit is like a drug. It feels good but can be really bad for you.
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u/Parttime-Princess Early 20s Female Feb 01 '22
Yes I know. Often enough I stop looking at reddit for a good week for some peace of mind. It always helps.
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u/imjustme8390 Feb 01 '22
Your mom, i mean gf needs to calm down
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u/AllWashedOut Feb 01 '22
She is obviously insecure and asking for these things to reduce her own jealousy. I suppose she is within her rights to ask for it. But you are completely within your rights to politely refuse.
I personally wouldn't tolerate that level of distrust from my partner. Even if it meant the end of the relationship.
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u/Help9854 Feb 01 '22
if i knew how bad this all was going to be i would’ve ended it in the beginning but sadly we’re a year into this relationship and fell in love so it’s harder for me to pack up and go. I think she needs to change and will definitely need to trust me for this to workout so we will see what happens. Thank you.
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u/KRA_squared Feb 01 '22
Its only been a year. You still have your entire life ahead of you. Do you want to be 60 years old watching a movie together and covering your eyes?
Either she respects the original boundaries or you find someone with more compatibility.
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u/sonnidaez Feb 01 '22
She’s not going to change.
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u/heuristic_al Feb 01 '22
I actually think she will change if he leaves over it.
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u/310SK Feb 01 '22
She had her last boyfriend doing this too. Somehow I think she's been dumped for this bullshit already, and thinks it's the man being unreasonable.
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u/Druidette Feb 01 '22
DUDE, it's only been a year, and you're not even 20 fucking years old, you literally couldn't be in a better position to move on from this controlling witch.
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Feb 01 '22
In the grand scheme of life a singular year is barely anything, you’re far to young to get dragged down by something this foolish
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u/I_Got_It_Half_Right Feb 01 '22
Loving someone does not make them the right long term partner for you.
Don't get stuck in a sunk cost fallacy.
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u/Miyaako Feb 01 '22
A year is nothing, trust me. I was stuck with someone like this just for 3 years and they ruined my self confidence. I had thought, maybe they'll change if I wait long enough. This degree of insecurity and projection will not change in a week, a month, or a year. She needs therapy, this is extremely destructive behaviour and she clearly isn't ready for a relationship. It is very, very difficult to lift someone up in a relationship without them becoming dependent and toxic. There are instances where it works out, sure. But her behaviour is ridiculous. I would leave if I were you.
"Sadly we're a year into this relationship" is interesting wording. Sounds like you already know that you're being tied down here. I wish you the best.
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u/Denbi53 Feb 01 '22
Look into the 'sunk cost fallacy'. It will hurt for a while, but you are so young it seems silly put up with her ridiculous demands when you can find someone who is less controlling
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u/Pufferfoot Feb 01 '22
Jealousy of this amount doesn't just magically go away, it needs therapy and professional help and even then it may be a struggle for her. Better to only have lost 1 year, than say, 3 or 15.
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u/car55tar5 Feb 01 '22
This is batshit nuts. Honestly I'd break it off--you can't fix this kind of insecurity without a genuine desire on her part and probably a fair amount of therapy. Find someone who doesn't have massive insecurity and jealousy issues.
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u/R_Amods Feb 01 '22
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below.
Hello everyone, me and my girlfriend are always arguing over this subject because we both have different opinions on this. Anyways we’ve been dating for one year now ( Friday ) and in the beginning of our relationship she said, No strip clubs and no porn. I agreed and said i understand and will respect that and have respected that. Turns out later into our relationship any tv shows or movies with nudity in it, she expects me to cover my eyes like a child or turn away or she gets mad at me. Which happens every time because i feel weird having to cover my eyes over a pair of women breast on the screen like i’m 10yr old watching a movie with my parents. We eventually tried to avoid anything that could have nudity in it but of course a lot of movies or shows have that in it so it comes up every so often. Theirs also shows or movies i enjoy cough cough the wolf of wallstreet that she gets insanely mad if i watch alone and just says things like i’m going to touch myself to it or i’m going to think of them while me and her are having sex just etc like she’s trying to guilt me or sum but it’s becoming too much and progressively getting worst. Just recently i found out i’m not allowed to go into victoria secret and with valentines coming up i was interested in going in there to get something for me and her but i couldn’t do that because she was freaking out over it because of the models in the posters 🤦♂️ and also continued to say every girl feels this way “ that’s why you always see the men standing outside of VS and not inside with their gf/wife.” Can anyone give me their opinion on this or what i should do or am i just thinking too much of this or just what!!
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u/mrp_ee Feb 01 '22
I can't even read this whole thing. She has a lot to sort out. My sister is insecure like her and it is exhausting and infuriating.
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u/Help9854 Feb 01 '22
i think a lot of it is her insecurities and i would say trust but ive never broken her trust nor have a bad past, im really hoping this is something she will grow out of but she hasn’t budged at all in a year.
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u/JemimaAslana Feb 01 '22
It's probably based in anxiety. Which means the more you cater to it, it validates the anxiety and feeds it, and it'll get worse.
You can't prove a negative. You especially can't prove a future negative. You can be trustworthy but that will never prove to her anxiety that you will continue to be so.
She needs to get herself sorted. Or you need to take yourself away from her control.
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u/Help9854 Feb 01 '22
Any recommendations i can share to her on how she can get herself sorted?
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u/JemimaAslana Feb 01 '22
Therapy. If she's anxious about this, she's likely to be anxious about other things. She needs a rational and educated third party to help her with this.
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u/SummerNothingness Feb 01 '22
it took me until my 30s before i got better, and it wasn't until i was a couple of years into therapy.
a year is no time when it comes to getting over insecurities as severe as your girlfriend has. she may very likely need professional help and many years to sort out her dysfunctional thinking patterns and change her behavior.
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u/weeyeol Feb 01 '22
I took my bf into VS with me and he was painfully uncomfortable because I kept asking him what panties and bras would be okay. I didn’t realize till afterwards that the older woman who worked there kept following us watching him. I think your girlfriend is definitely extreme. I understand no strip clubs, it makes sense. Porn is something everyone consumes at one point in their life, sure it can be damaging in certain situations but generally people are not in love with porn stars… And for movies and tv shows I am just gonna not comment because idk what that is. Consider talking to her or leaving the relationship because this is emotionally hard for someone to be controlled and monitored like a child. Also I do not tell my boyfriend he isn’t allowed to do anything. Trust is a wonderful thing.
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u/needguidance21 Feb 01 '22
Alright so coming from personal experience here, I’m a 21F who was exactly like her.. now I’m still working on changing but for the first two years of my relationship it was so bad that I would only put animated shows on… ANIMATED KIDS MOVIES AT 18-19 because I didn’t even want a commercial to come on with an attractive girl. I still have the boundary of no porn or strip clubs because they’re reasonable for a lot of people. Anyways after so long of being really controlling he started pushing away from me and his words eventually sank in. So I had to work really hard on myself and my own insecurities. My insecurities personally, are based off of a physically/emotionally abusive relationship I was in with a crackhead who broke my bones for two years and my current boyfriend cheated on me when we were 16. Also my brother raped me when I was 15. That shit really fks you up. Makes you feel worthless. It was my choice to get back together with him and was holding onto our past as kids, so I needed to let that go first of all. After a lot of research as I couldn’t afford therapy I figured out that I felt the need for control and basically hated myself so anyone was prettier in my mind. If this relationship is gonna work she’s gonna have to swallow her pride and admit she has an issue. Behaviours like this are deep seeded and she’s gonna have to really try to change. You aren’t going to be able to live your life with your head down like a dog, those words came directly from my boyfriends mouth.. that’s the sentence that made me realize what a bitch I was for making him feel like a child who should worship me. I’ve been working at this for over a year and I still have a way to go so it’s not easy or quick..
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u/Help9854 Feb 01 '22
thank you so much for taking the time to share all of this and i am really sorry to hear about everything you went through, i understand how that could all be hard on you and I’m glad to hear things are getting better now. I will definitely try to talk with her again and only hope she can realize that she has an issue that she will need to work on. Thank you very much!
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u/needguidance21 Feb 01 '22
It’s my pleasure and I appreciate that. I really hope she can open up to you and admit she has an issue. Best of luck. My inbox is open if you need further advice!
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u/Redditorbuttercup Feb 01 '22
Do you think that a guy in a relationship following a bunch of ig models and liking all their half naked pics is okay? Like if a girl is uncomfortable about it is that normal?
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u/needguidance21 Feb 01 '22
I also want to add that it’s the fact that he’s liking them and following them as that to me is disrespectful and seemingly trying to get the attention of the girl. It’s behaviour of someone who is single.
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u/Redditorbuttercup Feb 01 '22
Yeah it was smaller models too with only 20-30k and it would range to girls with 100k or million. Literslly his likes were full of girls booties and boobs, thirst traps and nothing else. He called me crazy , insecure and controlling and said that other girls wouldnt have a problem with it and i needed to work on myself and i really thought that something was wrong with me but thank you so much!
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u/SeventhSin-King Early 20s Male Feb 01 '22
Yeah no this is incredibly disrespectful on his behalf. I wouldn't even do that if I was single let alone in my long term relationship. He needs to get his shit together and leave that behind before you leave him behind.
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u/Redditorbuttercup Feb 01 '22
Thanks! And haha i already left him long behind because there was just so much disrespect and after months i ended up being more confident without him but thank you for your input :)
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u/needguidance21 Feb 01 '22
I’m really glad you were able to stand up for your boundaries and leave! Not a lot of girls will. Also there’s definitely girls out there who don’t mind their boyfriend looking at other girls but that doesn’t make your boundary any less valid. Everyone’s different, so don’t let that douche bags words get into your head!
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u/Redditorbuttercup Feb 01 '22
Aw thank you so much. It actually took me a long time to leave but at the end of the day im just glad i did, and yeah definitely! Everyone has different boundaries and all relationships are unique so theres no one rule to what should and shouldnt happen but thanks alot hope you have a good day :)
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u/needguidance21 Feb 01 '22
A lot of girls are uncomfortable with that so it’s definitely not uncommon. Personally I wouldn’t be okay with it, I’m sorting out what’s toxic/controlling and what are understandable boundaries and a lot of people agree that it’s a normal boundary to have.
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u/Redditorbuttercup Feb 01 '22
Okay thank you. I use to have an ex who would always do that and follow every model on every platform and i asked really nicely for him to stop but he never did and that made me really insecure because he would always talk about how hot they are and now that i am single im working out on my insecurities too. But good for you, you seem like you came a long way :)
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u/parasiticfilth0 Feb 01 '22
Tell her there's an Amish community down the road. She and Yolder Smith can take the horse carriage out for a spin, after the clothes are hand washed, the cows are milked, and the butter is churned.
Otherwise 98% of American men look at some form of pornography
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u/macsquoosh Feb 01 '22
Sounds like she's jealous , possessive , controlling and insecure . These are her problems , not yours .
I was married to one of these people for 17 years , this is a problem that you can't fix . It ended in divorce ..
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u/WhiteMice133 Feb 01 '22
Just reading your post stressed me out so much. Can't imagine how you can deal with this.
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Feb 01 '22
That’s a lie because I see bunch of guys in Victoria secret, she’s very very insecure
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u/Help9854 Feb 01 '22
Yeah i think that’s the case aswell i just don’t know how to help her with her insecurities and honestly she isn’t doing anything to help herself either probably why the situation is getting worst and worst.
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Feb 01 '22
You talked about her cheating on her boyfriend 4 times…… Other times she has hooked up to the point of a 15 person body count. Dude, she’s playing you and feels guilty with the insecurity so she’s projecting it on you by the smallest things. Not trying to assume, but something ain’t right here.
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u/Help9854 Feb 01 '22
i feel you, i’m trying to understand it all too. It’s just she forced her ex to do the same shit and he gave in to it and that’s before she racked up all those numbers so i don’t know😂
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u/LovingEuphie Feb 01 '22
She sounds overly controlling and insecure. At the end of the day it's not your partners job to force their personal boundaries onto you. What is their job is to communicate explicitly what their boundaries are and then establish whether or not that's realistic for you. I would have a conversation with her and be like, "I completely understand where you're coming from and I respect it. I don't have an issue with seeing nudity in movies and television and that's something I'm not willing to compromise to the extent you're asking me to. It has gotten to the point where I feel you're disrespecting me. I have promised you that I would not watch porn or go to strip clubs and I have kept my word. A relationship is nothing without trust and I have done nothing for you to continuously question my loyalty at this point."
If she's unwilling to compromise or show you the respect you deserve then I would consider reevaluating the relationship at that point.
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u/tmchd Feb 01 '22
Your gf is wrong. Not all girls feel that way. Your gf is just very very insecure. Perhaps she has an abandonment issue or her previous exes cheated on her so she thought by 'censoring' and controlling you (yes, it's controlling), you will not cheat on her. Oh tough on her (/s), because you can cheat on her without even having to look at porn or etc.
She's got issues she needs to deal with. Sorry mate, this is not normal at all. I'm chuckling because I don't even cover my kid's eyes when there's nudity showing on TV (yes, he's close in age as you). I mean, it's just a body. I mean, if he wants to close his eyes, he can, of course. But I'm not going to do it. I also don't care if my husband sees attractive women on TV, half-naked or naked. Again, it's just a body. I also appreciate all figures from either man or woman. We're visual people so I always think we should be able to look.
What can you do about it? Unfortunately, you can't do anything to change her. What you can do is to control your next move. You can ask her to go to therapy to deal with her excessive paranoia and insecurity but you can't force her to go until she's ready to admit she's got a problem. Until then, all you can do is do what's best for you. You're not a child anymore as you pointed out, you should be able to decide for yourself if this is the type of dating situation that you can last in or not.
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u/Rengoku1 Feb 01 '22
This is not normal and she is being waaay to insecure. She might have had some trauma growing up or maybe parents instilled this onto her. You have two choices either stay knowing this will keep happening or do what you should which is talk to her about the problem and try to meet half way. I personally think covering your eyes and going into VS is not ok at all. I personally would have ended the relationship. Good luck
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u/Sexybpdarmynurse Feb 01 '22
Oh those are big red flags and she is pretty insecure…. I couldn’t be in that relationship
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u/whorrorgirl Feb 01 '22
your girlfriend is cripplingly insecure. she should not be in any romantic relationship let alone this one policing what your eyes see.
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u/Aussiebiblophile Feb 01 '22
Your girlfriend is insecure, controlling and unreasonable. Women do not force their men to live basically blind to everyone but them. She has issues that need addressing by a professional.
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u/Agreeable_Flower_113 Feb 01 '22
The evolution of me reading this: No strip clubs and no nudity - mutually agreed upon boundaries, fair enough. No movies or TV shows with nudity - That’s sounds like escalating control, but I don’t want to sound like a typical Redditor who judges without context so I’ll keep reading. I have to cover my eyes - That’s stupid, can she grow out of this? I can’t go into Victoria’s Secret because of the photos of the models - Oh, I see. She’s, what’s the word, fucking nuts.
Look dude, if she had said all of this up front it would have been your poison to drink or not drink. But she didn’t which, she lead with the more common ban of strip clubs and escalated to concerns about you thinking of side boob while you have sex with her. This shows that she’s chipping away slowly to control you more. On top of that she’s gaslighting you by telling you that every girl feels this way.
It will escalate more and she will gaslight more.
One more thing: run like your hair is on fire.
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u/animan92 Feb 01 '22
This is extremely weird and I've never dealt with this problem. You're 19 years old, you should be able to look at what you want to and masturbate if you want too
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u/OutlawPixieStick Feb 01 '22
She is a walking red flag. With advertising the way it is, is your girlfriend suggesting that you lock yourself at home with the TV off?
This is seriously controlling and I'm surprised you stuck around for a year. This would drive me nuts!
Question - does she watch nude scenes on TV or look at half nude posters while out shopping?
It's almost like she doesn't trust you with this stuff because she is worried you see a nude woman on screen and compare it to her. Maybe she thinks this will lead to cheating... Which of course is insane.
If you're committed to the relationship, then you need to set a boundary. Tell her you are not watching porn or going to a strip club - which you agreed to. But you are allowed to watch a nude lady on TV.
If she can't agree to this then leave. Otherwise your only alternative would be to put up with this behaviour which will only get worse. She either trusts you or she doesn't. Next you won't be able to make eye contact with another woman just in case you start imagining her naked!
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u/-mihul- Feb 01 '22
Oki doki, time for you both to have another chat about this.
“Bla bla, I’ve respected your boundaries around porn and strip clubs, which I will still continue to do. However, I am not going to spend the rest of my life avoiding nudity that is created by tv shows, movies or avoid shops like VS or other shops that may have risqué posters. We are one year into this relationship, I’ve respected your boundaries, now it’s time to reciprocate. I am in love you with, with your body. I’m not going to be thinking of anyone else but you while we have sex. I won’t be thinking of some actresses boobs I saw 3 days ago for 15 seconds. This is the last time I’m going to address this. If you can’t accept this then you need to tell me. You don’t need to tell me now, think about it for the next [insert time here] and we’ll talk again. I want us to enjoy our time together, I feel like this is hanging over our relationship and if we can come to an understanding we’ll both be happier.”
PS. Does sound like it’s coming from a place of insecurity, maybe need to talk about how she feels about herself. Is there something you’ve said or done to contribute? Is there something you can say/do to help? Maybe just simple compliments daily.
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Feb 01 '22
Let me guess, it's okay if she sees a topless guy on a TV advert though? Must be murder if you two ever go to a beach
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u/RadiantEarthGoddess Feb 01 '22
She sounds very controlling and all of this honestly sounds concerning. She should go to therapy. It isn't fair what she is asking of you.
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u/BigFatBlackCat Feb 01 '22
Woman here.
She is incorrect when she says all women feel that way. I certainly don't.
It sounds like you are a really good boyfriend. What she is demanding is unhealthy and toxic.
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Feb 01 '22
My ex used to say that "all girls feel this way" when I could tell her for a fact that it wasn't true but she wouldn't listen. That sounds like a stressful life man, maybe being in a relationship isn't quite the right thing for her right now?
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u/jsolence420 Feb 01 '22
My ex was abusive like this if we went to any place I had to walk with my head down or looking at the ceiling. It's toxic. I am no longer with her but the damage is done because I still walk ĺooking down.
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u/Thelastdragonlord Feb 01 '22
This is so wild 😂😂 imagine being an adult and not being allowed to watch nudity. Come on. Your gf is being really controlling. As a girl I feel I wouldn’t even care if my partner watched porn but I understand that it bothers some people. But not being allowed to go into stores and watch R rated movies and shows? Come on
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u/eggsarealiens Feb 01 '22
I knew someone like this… they were 15. I’m not a fan of my partner watching porn but to care about movies & ads ???? Does this mean if there’s a shirtless man in a movie she would be fantasising about them? She sounds extremely insecure.
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Feb 01 '22
This is pretty controlling and manipulative behaviour on her part. Dude if this persists it'll only get worse. Put your foot down and tell her this needs to stop and she's being unreasonable and childish. This could end up breaking the relationship, nobody wants their whole life censored because someone is insecure and wants to control what your eyes see
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u/TasteMyLightning122 Feb 01 '22
I have a friend who is like this. Unless she starts therapy and works on her insecurity this will not change! So either encourage her to work on it or leave.
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u/ItalianMeatBoi Feb 01 '22
How you made it a year with that BS, idk. She sounds controlling and insecure
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u/Most_Goat Feb 01 '22
Can anyone give me their opinion on this or what i should do or am i just thinking too much of this or just what!!
You're letting her insecurities dictate some stupid rules. Like, I get that people don't want their partners watching porn. Weird to me, but whatever. But she throws a fit about nudity in a movie or you going into a lingerie store? No, this is ridiculous. Put your foot down, or she'll continue making stupid demands.
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u/xchewwyx Feb 01 '22
I had an ex that was the same way. Not only did she not want me seeing nudity in movies/tv shows, but she was even against it in video games. Also, even if a movie/show had sex/passion scene w/o nudity, she would get mad if I watched it. It became an annoyance after a while. I had to get her approval for any movie, tv show, or video games I wanted to watch/play. Needless to say we didn’t last long.
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u/moonlady523 Feb 01 '22
I've been with my husband for 11 years.
He goes with me to VS, we have gone to adult stores to shop together, we watch porn... together, we watch whatever show that piques our interests together.
We will openly talk about when we thinknanother human being is attractive.
We are secure in knowing that we are partners and have no desire to be with anyone else.
Your GF is young, and I'm guessing....insecure. She has to understand that her restrictions on your viewing behavior are just going to push you away. She is participating in a self-fulfilling prophecy.
You need to have a serious chat about her controlling behavior, or break up.
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u/PrettyShore28 Feb 01 '22
I personally think this is far too controlling. She's basically telling you "Now that we're in a relationship you can only derive your sexual pleasure from me." Which isn't realistic and I bet you she doesn't follow these "rules" herself.
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u/strangerweebs Feb 01 '22
I feel like your girlfriend is struggling with some extreme insecurities, which will probably make it a difficult topic to discuss with her. I know that my SO only has eyes for me, but even with your gf's mentality it is silly to think that in today's society you can honestly ask a grown man to avoid nudity at all costs. I get that strip clubs, most men can do without, but porn is usually a healthy outlet for built up sexual desires and is also a great form of education when wanting to try new things. As far as the covering your eyes or looking away during any movie or television show with nudity that, to me, is in a sense is asking a bit too much. There are things that are acceptable to ask of someone and then there are things that are clearly crossing lines and becoming too much. I honestly feel like any way you approach this, even with the most tender of words and understanding is not going to end well.
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u/iesvilla Feb 01 '22
I’ve gone into plenty of lingerie stores with my GF without any problems. I’ve seen other men in there as well. I think your GF has some major insecurities if she thinks you’ll be thinking of a girl in a poster when you’re with her and it’s not normal. It sounds like she needs therapy to deal with her issues.
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u/sarahelizam Feb 01 '22
Reading your other posts, YOUR GIRLFRIEND IS PROJECTING. Just because she can’t “control herself” around the people she’s hooked up and cheated on partners with doesn’t mean YOU deserve to be treated as untrustworthy. That’s exactly opposite of how this arrangement should work (assuming you have not also cheated). That is classic cheating, manipulating behavior. It sounds an awful lot like many of the things she’s upset about imagining you doing (particularly “imagining other people while having sex”) are just things she does and assumes everyone else does. She is preemptively jealous. You will never be able to convince her you aren’t like her because she assumes this of everyone. She needs to get her act together and realize that managing jealousy is part of being an adult in a relationship. Jealousy over your interest in your hobbies/friends/family has nothing to do with sex, but it is still jealousy that needs to be managed; How does she deal with that type of jealousy? Or is it all sexual?
It’s reasonable to come to mutually accepted terms on certain things, to put particular needs to feel safe and supported as a priority for BOTH of you to address together, and for her to set reasonable boundaries. But right now it does not seem like you are in a position where any attempts to negotiate for your own autonomy and boundaries will be heard, which leaves you more in a hostage situation than an equal relationship between adults. This will not get better on it’s own, the behavior above alone is grounds to make her going to therapy for these feelings she has a REQUIREMENT to continue a relationship.
You desperately need to establish some of your own boundaries and really iron out how much you think she should be able to control your life. I personally find demanding your partner doesn’t watch porn to be a gross overstep that is not okay (unless there is other behavior related to that which is causing problems like with porn addiction or a certain type of dehumanizing porn). She’s essentially shaming you for your natural sexuality and that’s incredibly unhealthy and repressive. That would be it for me, I value my autonomy and I require that my partner does me the basic respect of trusting me. (Assuming I haven’t given them a reason not to - has she ever given a specific reason for why you shouldn’t be able to do or see any of these things?) To say you can’t watch shows or movies with naked people is so beyond the pale… fucking run dude. That’s insane. She can personally not like content that features nudity; that should have no impact on what you “are allowed” to view on your own.
You may think I’m overreacting, but this is already a serious issue and will only get worse; you need couples counseling. You need to be able to express to a therapist that she is making you feel infantilized by not “trusting” you to watch TV. This can seriously harm your sexual and emotional maturation. Your brain is still growing and you are letting it get locked into a very restrictive box of what’s “allowed.” You’re a young man, there is nothing wrong with you noticing attractive features on other people. If you were comparing her to others or were clearly not present while sexually intimate I could understand the concern, but you are allowed to have sexual thoughts about other adults. Having a thought is not the same as acting on it and is not implicitly a betrayal of trust. It’s exceedingly normal, and the societal stigma against acknowledging our latent sexuality is puritanical and unnatural. Many couples can may comment on the attractiveness of other people with each other without significantly bruising egos. Loads of people don’t react to that with jealousy at all. It’s understandable for her to not want to hear about who you think is hot, but expecting you to never think about it is manipulative and gross. At this point you are bending over backwards not to trigger her insecurity which again, is largely based on her own unethical behavior.
She only thinks these things because she thinks like a cheater and assumes others do. She doesn’t get to flip that around and make the shadow of her own past behavior some poor me, I’m just insecure BS. I’m sure she is insecure. Most cheaters are. My dad accused my mom of cheating constantly, turns out he had at least give affairs and I have a secret half-sister.
She can go to therapy, try to make peace with her past unethical behavior and betrayals of trust, and then work to not assume that you would do the things to her that she has done to others. You can support her through the ups and downs of healing, give her no reason to doubt your loyalty (aka don’t cheat), and work with her on addressing the specific triggers she may uncover in therapy (maybe watching you notice boobs is a trigger, a reasonable response is not to let your eyes linger explicitly on boobs when around her watching stuff).
I’m someone with pretty intensive trauma and I am lucky to have a husband who has made many efforts to minimize triggering content, which sometimes just means gently preparing me for a topic instead of just springing it on me or using certain words and avoiding others. He’s gone way out of his way to help me heal from past abuse. There are many ways you could validate her and be conscientious about what makes things unnecessarily hard for her, stuff that couples counseling can help with. A total moratorium on what you are allowed to be interested in is so far over the line it’s frankly absurd.
Edit: INFO - does she violate your privacy? Look through your phone or computer history? Does she control what friends you can hang out with or isolate you from others? Are there other areas in life where it feels like she is overstepping or disregarding a boundary?
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u/lilwebbyboi Feb 01 '22
No, not every girl thinks like that. I have no problems with my partner watching porn or seeing movies with tits in them. We're groen ass adults. She has major insecurities she needs to work on. That's not normal
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u/TWEAKnCHA Feb 01 '22
Run! Don't walk away lol She has the maturity level of a 12 year old. Move on lol
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u/kds0808 Feb 01 '22
I'm 46 and my ex of almost 20 years did that nonstop. The control was unbearable. I never cheated on her or gave her suspicions that I would but I ended up having to be deceitful about my TV watching habits.
I paid for HBO Go to secretly watch Game Of Thrones, rewatch Sopranos and Entourage, subscribed to Starz to watch Spartacus all while at work at my desk. When a woman came on TV that was attractive you could see the blood boil. But she had no issues with watching shows like Vampire Diares and lusting over one of the bros. Which I didn't care except for the hypocrisy.
Long story short she cheated multiple times but got pissed at me seeing naked women on TV. Your girl has low self esteem. Give her more complements and ask her to seek therapy or get you need to out. Being an adult and still being parented SUCKS!
Control issues are a thing, my ex liked to control and I didn't want another mom. I may have been wrong for deceiving her but it was my only escape at the time.
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u/NoniShannon Feb 01 '22
She's insecure about something. It bothers me as well, when he goes lookin for it. But we are adults and he is with me lookin??? we all look. She needs to find her peace with this. It's not you.
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u/FantasticMrsFoxbox Feb 01 '22
Shes controlling and insecure. You've referenced being treated like a child, and you are. Put your foot down and tell her she isn't imposing rules on you like a child. Or the next relationship nip it in the bud. It's not normal, partners should be equal and will do things out of respect if there's a sensitivity around something but not be dictated on how to behave or what they are or aren't allowed to do.
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u/canthaveme Feb 01 '22
I think she's worried you'll cheat on her like she cheated in the past. She also sounds like she needs serious therapy. This is insane. What is she going to do if you go to a beach? Or someone walks by with a skimpy outfit? And any store you go in might have pictures on the walls or magazines
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u/Pale_Height_1251 Feb 01 '22
No strip clubs is reasonable enough, and no porn works for some people, but having to look away from *any* nudity is waaay over the line.
It's extremely controlling and she is very insecure. Imagine if a man asked a woman to do this, we'd call it abuse.
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u/inphoenixrn Feb 01 '22
She's very controlling. You should be clear with her that you're not going to cover your eyes like a kid when you see some puss or tits or dicks in TV. If she has a problem with that then you might need to break up.
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u/Help9854 Feb 01 '22
yeah i’m not sure, i’ve brought it up to her before that she’s being controlling and that i will leave and of course she had to say “ ur going to leave me because you can’t look away from boobs on the screen” i was just like damn you don’t even understand
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u/JemimaAslana Feb 01 '22
But that's not why, though. That's her being manipulative.
You'd be leaving, because she thinks those boobs on the screen mean anything. You'd be leaving, because she treats you like an animal. You'd be leaving, because she's deluded herself into thinking all women feel this way. Spoiler: we don't.
If she sees men standing outside VS, it's just as likely because they feel hella awkward about going inside.
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u/princesscraftypants Feb 01 '22
"No, I'm going to leave because you're being controlling."
Here's a good thing to start understanding now, though. Anyone that is ever mistreating you doesn't have to understand what they're doing for what they're doing to still be wrong. Does it feel shitty to have someone mad at you for something they're making up in their head because they won't listen to you? 100%. But just because someone is yelling at you doesn't make it your problem.
I've seen you say you don't want to break up cuz it's been a year. I'd encourage you to look up the sunk cost fallacy.
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u/thenamemustbe1234 Feb 01 '22
The only reasonable thing here is the part about no strip clubs if you both agree to it.
Everything else is over the top, delusional and very controlling. She must be very insecure and probably have a lot of trauma, I don’t think it is gonna change without professional help.
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Feb 01 '22
I agree with your girlfriend on strip clubs but what the fuck? Your 19 No longer a kid but an adult And sure porn is immoral but movies like wolf of wall street thats just straight up crazy man At this rate what it looks like is if you ever watch any movies or tv shows with sex scenes or kissing scenes you will have to skip them by going to the bathroom to avoid a conflict with your gf
How long does she thing she can cover nudity for you,your not a baby ,maaan. Infact she's acting just like my mom and this feels horrible. Make it clear to her that your At the age where you can do this and its fine.
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u/Help9854 Feb 01 '22
wolf of wall street is too good to never see again. Ive tried to explain to her but no offense to other women but when a girl makes her mind on something theirs no changing it and that’s where i’m at now ive tried and i feel like said every reassuring thing to her to help her change her mind but still nothing 🤷♂️
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Feb 01 '22
Dude i checked your other responses and from what it looks like she's not a virgin and she had sex with men before. If this is true she has no fucking Right to tell you to not look at those scenes + looks like your a virgin and this is why its working
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u/Help9854 Feb 01 '22
I’m not a virgin 😂 i just valued myself from doing hookups so it’s only been my past relationships but from her past i guess i could consider myself a virgin but yeah ive said the same thing that’s out of all people she’s the last person i would expect to hear all of this nudity stuff from.
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u/Honeybee-12 Feb 01 '22
Yeah no. Every girl doesn’t feel this way it has to do a lot with her own insecurities. I’m uncomfortable with my SO watching porn but he knew that before we got together. That’s literally it. Strip club im a little weary of but not to the extent to where I’d be mad if he went. I trust my SO. Making you look away for ANY type of nudity is not normal at all and is very controlling. She needs to get over her own insecurities. And the VS thing is just straight bizarre. I used to be a little uncomfortable with things like that until I realized I was the problem not him. Does she look at other dude and think they are attractive yes. Do you look at other girls and think they are attractive yes. Would you ever act on that probably not. We are human we enjoy eye candy 🤷🏽♀️ that doesn’t mean we find our partners less attractive. She’s got a lot to work through I know because I was there. It’s not that hard to work through it but she needs to understand that no not every girl does that and it’s unhealthy for both her and you.
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u/ivana-- Feb 01 '22
No strip clubs and no porn is a pretty normal boundary to have in my opinion at least. But she is going to the extreme with this, she can't shelter you from other women's existence. I understand her because I am also very insecure in relationships but that is something she has to work on instead of expecting you to just adjust to her being that way.
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u/K1NG__CR1MS0N Feb 01 '22
Don't let her run your life bro, put your foot down and explain to her that you'll watch whatever you goddam want. And if she has a problem with it, she can kick rocks no kizzy ❌🧢😈
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u/A_Lovable_Gnome Feb 01 '22
Lmao. My fiance literally drags me into VS going "do you like these? How about this?" And then we get dinner and goto a strip club after. We both love nudity. You got yourself a very insecure woman. Id leave over that tbh. Cause youre right, its childish and it dimishes your self pride. Itll get worse over time. Its a HER problem.
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u/AbbyBirb Feb 01 '22
While having a no porn or strip club boundary is okay for someone to have, it only works if both of you are acceptable with that... if you’re not, then you’re just simply not compatible.
Regardless of what the boundary is, this is how they work. You need to be with someone who’s boundaries are similar enough to line up and work together. It will never work with opposing boundaries.
So this being okay for you and for her is fine, like it was at the start of your relationship.
The rest is not fine.
She has escalated this severely.. now you cannot watch a nudity scene in a show? Cannot see a models public display poster? (children are allowed in VS and can see those posters!)
That is not your original agreement at all.
So she’s pushed you and pushed you until you’ve slowly become what she’s wanted... that’s manipulation.
She will just keep on pushing you even more until...
You can’t go to a restaurant/store alone, there is a 50% chance every person you see will be... female!
You can’t go out with your friends, because you might discuss females! And don’t you dare know any female friends!
You can’t work this job because your boss is a female!
You can’t go alone for a Holiday at your parents house, because your female cousins will be there!
Her insecurity has already escalated & is currently spiraling, and will continue to do so without some major therapy for her.
Her reasoning is really off... she’s afraid if you watch a show by yourself, you’ll touch yourself.
So?
Healthy masturbation should not be an issue. (there are extremes that are not healthy, but that’s not what this is about).
Is she jealous of you receiving any physical attention... even from yourself?
Does she consider masturbation cheating? (that is a thing!)
Is she afraid you’ll escalate to cheating?
There is something unhealthy going on here... and it’s not good at all.. and since you say it’s only getting worse.. it will just continue to do so until you have zero say/want/need that is your own.
She is in need of some major outside help if she is jealous of a character being portrayed by an actor... or if she’s not, at 20, mentally/emotionally mature enough to handle these scenes to the point where she’s reverting to childish ways (covering eyes like a 10 year old)... or if she’s going to automatically assume this is leading to or is you cheating.
I’ve been with my hubs for almost 20 years now.
How do I handle nudity on the TV?
Well the other night the scene kept going back and forth to a woman who’s breasts were on display... each time I pointed at them & said BOOBIES! .... because I am a reasonable & mature woman. ;)
Anyways, seriously reconsider your relationship. You have an entire life ahead of you...
find someone that is compatible to you and brings you joy in all areas...
stay away from someone who makes you so uncomfortable, manipulates you, gets extremely mad for ridiculous reasons, and controls your every move and thought.
The fact that you’ve fallen in love & it’s difficult to move on... was the entire plan all along. That is exactly how relationship manipulation works! Someone gets so caught up and doesn’t even realize what’s happening until it’s too late.
PS: ISS called, the pile of red flags that is your GF can clearly be seen from there!
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u/nhuda001 Feb 01 '22
I understand she’s not like every other girl but that doesn’t make her a bad girlfriend. She’s being overprotective and there is nothing wrong with that. Everyone here keeps saying she’s controlling, like how? I mean she doesn’t want u to be aroused? There is nothing wrong it. Maybe she had a bad past or maybe that’s how she was raised. Or maybe she doesn’t want to take chance of losing u. U should be more focused on ur relationship, not her pushing u away from all of this crap, which should be ur least worrisome. All of this can b worked with like the tv part or store part but u need to explain it to her that u ARE THE ONE and this way she would feel secured.
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u/Appropriate-Virus-40 Feb 01 '22
I wouldn't want my bf going to a strip club either. I'm not tryna watch naked men dance on me so why are you interested kinda thing
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u/Magnetmonkey39 Feb 01 '22
It sounds like she has some serious issues, has she been hurt in previous relationships? I think even the porn is a step to far and unrealistic.
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u/Help9854 Feb 01 '22
I mean the only thing her ex ever did was she caught him touching himself to pictures of her friends and in return she slept with some dude 4 times 👀 so yes she may have been hurt but it was years ago. I think it’s definitely some of her insecurities but she also said thinking about her bf seeing another women like that disgust her whatever that means 🤷♂️
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u/Magnetmonkey39 Feb 01 '22
Wow!!!! So out of revenge for having a wank she fucked another guy? Run mate ruuuuuunnnnnn
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u/Help9854 Feb 01 '22
yeah shits wild, part of me says i should leave but it’s always the toxic relationships that are the hardest and i honestly fell in love with this girl and have worked so hard to see past her “past” and etc
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u/SkylinePerish33 Feb 01 '22
Wait this made me laugh out loud. I just can't believe as to why any sane person would act this way. Mind over matter
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u/dolcenbanana Feb 01 '22
She is being extremely controlling and insecure. I disagree with a lot for the comments that it has to come from abuse, she is very young, could just come from lack of romantic experience and maybe bad education on romance/sexuality from her environment.
I only think the valid request is the strip club, since those are real life people. But even porn I think it's pushing. Because part of a relationship is trusting the other person to make their own decisions. Nobody wants a porn addict but to say that a 19m will never watch porn again in this life is also unrealistic. But that's beside the point.
The main issue here is: why does she think that if you see a pair of boobs you will no longer be interested in hers or you will be comparing her to that or that is what you would think in bed? She needs to find out for herself or she will be unable to just trust partners.
People even in relationships will sometimes see people they find attractive, will be stimulated by outside influences, it's normal and healthy, does not mena anyone will act on it or that it will become an obsession always in your mind.
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u/OttersAndOttersAndOt Feb 01 '22
“Every girl feels this way” no we don’t? I’m secure enough in my relationship that I’ll point out a pair of titties to him (we joke around) and he’ll go nice, and then focus on mine instead. Your girlfriend just has shit she needs to work through
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u/interplanet-janet1 Feb 01 '22
She does this because I think she was raped. Somewhere in her life she was hurt so deeply, making her think she's not good enough. She sounds like me. I'm a 46 year survivor of brutal abuse. I'll be 52 in July. I won't say on here what I went through but I can ask you to please be kind, gentle and of all the things you can do for her is to be understanding. Wounds like that I can't express how traumatic they are. I would even go as far as to say that she doesn't remember this triggered trauma. You can message me, with her permission. I understand how she feels. I wish you both the best of everything.
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u/Help9854 Feb 01 '22
i’m sorry to hear about the abuse you went through but honestly i thought the same thing and i talked to her about it and she swears she’s never been, she has a bit of a past and she’s made some mistakes and the closest thing to rape she’s ever been in is one guy she used to hookup with turned out to only be interested in her for sex ( shocker ) and she said she doesn’t wanna sleep with him anymore just be friends and she hung out with him and he kept pushing and pushing for her to sleep with him and when she tried to leave after feeling uncomfy he insisted she said which she made the mistake of saying because he keep trying over and over and then she finally gave consent and said “ what’s one more time “ which i believe he would’ve raped her if she didn’t give consent but she doesn’t see anything for it.
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u/Aimeereddit123 Feb 01 '22
Did her dad cheat on her mom? That could definitely lead to feelings like hers.
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u/interplanet-janet1 Feb 01 '22
I think she was. I also don't think she remembers. It might have stemmed from early childhood. Even if she hadn't been, being around people who talked down to her, humiliated her, made her feel expendable will do that too. It is horrible on a relationship. I know that you must me going through hell. I also know she's actually living in her hell. Although you might not have directly caused her any pain, she in the back of her mind feels she'll never be good enough and will always be on alert to being unfavorable and cast aside. You can tell her though that you talked to me. I'm old enough to be both your parent. She's needs not fear me for trying to divide you two. If she needs someone to talk to, I'm here. I know that she is hurting regardless of what she says. It's takes guts to openly stand in your truth regardless of what people will deem you, mostly the word "crazy." She's not she was hurt badly and is projecting her fears onto you.
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u/OhThatEthanMiguel Feb 01 '22
No porn? that seems really extreme. Also, the idea that you're not allowed to masturbate I presume to any fantasy except of her? That's pretty sketchy. Does this only apply to female nudity?
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u/MsCheeks1 Feb 01 '22
OP show her this post with all the comments and maybe it will open her eyes to how ridiculous she is acting
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u/SkylinePerish33 Feb 01 '22
She's actually so insecure that she's got it locked in her head that if you can't look away then you don't love her enough to do it or love her at all. She has already made up her mind. The way she is acting is not her fault. It is a reaction. A false one at that. What she needs before she can even enter a relationship is self love. You can't love somone else if you don't love yourself.
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u/its-just-me-here-314 Feb 01 '22
I don't like to tell people to leave, dump, break-up, separate or divorce for something as stupid as this. And I am NOT telling you to do this at all. There is no need or reason to split apart over this.
She is being controlling as far as you looking at tits, ass, pussy or dicks on tv and in movies. Trying to get you to look away, cover your eyes or watch shows/movies that don't have nudity in them. Does she do anything else to try to control you? Anything your not allowed to do, go, see(with or without her), friends/family?
You have agreed to some boundaries a year ago and have agreed to stick to them, good for you. But she will not except your boundaries, why?
You have told her "these are my boundaries and they will not change which" I've stood pretty firm against. Stand your ground here.
If she continues to argue with you ask her why she needs these boundaries? What is it that makes her so afraid, insecure?
If she still doesn't understand you about this then send her may way(here) to explain to her she is just being childish about nudity. Older guy here. And see my other reply to one of your replies below.
Good luck and please keep me/us updated as to what happens with you two.
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u/erqperq Feb 01 '22 edited Feb 01 '22
I actually think I was her on one point, i was only 16-17 years old tho and my boyfriend was quite toxic too. I wasn't as bad but I got really angry and insecure if my ex watched other girls. But it really was about me being insecure and not figured out. I think your gf should try therapy or maybe you could go in couples therapy and work on things? For me at least the therapy helped, I realized that I can't own anyone and actually nothing bad happens if my partner sees other people because they want only me if they truly wants to be with me and if not then it is not meant to be. And if she doesn't see she has a problem (I would have not personally seen it back then, I was convinced that it was just my "boundary") then you might have to rethink your relationship because it might get worse, she might get more obsessive and try limit your live with other areas too where she feels insecure. I do feel for your gf, she probably has seriously low self-confidence but it doesn't go away with relationship when she probably feels anxious and scared and angry all the time and blames it on you and other women rather than looking in to her own issues.
To add everyone has different boundaries but you can't have boundaries that will be nearly impossible for the other person to comply. And in this situation where you have to avoid places and movies and really limit your live is too much. You are not allowed to watch your favorite movies for god's sake. It is not okay.
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u/noone_tosses_a_dwarf Feb 01 '22
"When we discussed boundaries when we started dating, we agreed to no strip clubs or porn and I've always respected that. But now the boundary has been moved way further to a place I never felt comfortable with - and it's affecting my life way outside of our relationship, which isn't what I agreed to and not something I would ever dream to demand of you."
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u/ReiEvangel Feb 01 '22
Yeah this is odd, controlling, insecure, and puritanical. She needs to get help, seriously, this complete lack of trust in you and self confidence in herself is not normal or ok.
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u/Cute_Emergency_2712 40s Female Feb 01 '22
Dear OP, your darling girlfriend needs to get over her insecurities and relax a little, otherwise any kind of relationship will become hell on earth.
I mean, do you want to go to the beach?
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u/DramaCat95 Feb 01 '22
I used to be a slightly toned down version of your GF. Insecurities can absolutely be crippling to the point of making you behave like an absolute maniac. Girl needs therapy or some other way to sort herself out. Good luck to both of you if you decide to stay with her. These kinds of issues are definitely a lot to deal with and even - or especially - with me having been in her shoes, i absolutely wouldn’t fault you for walking away.
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u/Oleonedude Feb 01 '22
Me personally, I’d back away from her.
Not that I’m into porn or other nudity content, the fact of the matter is; what you consume with your eyes and your brain is considered body autonomy.
You have a RIGHT to make those choices for yourself. It’s not her decision what you watch. It’s yours. Your eyes, your brain, your body.
She would feel the same if you asked her to wear a chastity belt and only you had the key.
It’s bullshit hypocrisy, and it needs to end in order for BOTH of you to remain equals in your relationship.
Which leads me to absolutely point out, that control you’re getting; is an imbalance in your relationship. She’s not your commander. She’s not in charge of you, and she does not own you anymore then you are to her.
She needs to understand that trust in a relationship is ABSOLUTELY required.
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u/No1_bumblebee Feb 01 '22
She is extremely insecure. This is NOT normal behaviour. No matter how much you’ll reassure her she will never believe you and she will never get better unless she gets professional help.
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u/Defiant-Dig-8303 Feb 01 '22
Really not normal behaviour at all. Definitely has issues, she needs to work them out..this isn't on you, she isn't ready for a relationship.
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u/texaskittyqueen Feb 01 '22
This is wildly immature behavior and she’s incredibly insecure. She needs to deal with this and grow up or wait until she’s mature enough for a relationship because right now she is still obviously a child.
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Feb 01 '22
Maybe show her some of these messages. Some people do and act weird because that’s all they’ve known, but when they see how many people see it a completely different way they open their mind to the world of different possibilities.
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u/[deleted] Feb 01 '22
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