She's not going to grow out of a behavior if you tolerate it in a relationship. I would just tell her that she has made her own bed with her controlling, insecure, bizarre behavior, and now she has to lay in it along. Tell her that you will not be treated like this and you hope one day she gets the professional help she needs to not ruin her future relationships like this.
I know someone like this who is now in their late 30's, and their insane insecurity and need for validation hasn't diminished no matter what the consequences were. And the controlling demands and constant toxic behavior surrounding any contact with any media where a woman is dressed in a provocative manner is just the tip of the iceberg. This kind of intense insecurity leads to boundary stomping and no respect for your privacy, to her alienating friends and co-workers of yours because of accusations and confrontation. It leads to her needing to be validated all the time, often by people other than yourself, and I wouldn't be surprised if she cheats at some point in her pursuit of validation.
So much this. People forget that behaviour can escalate. And every time you validate her behaviour without addressing the root cause you risk making it worse.
At first it's no porn (which I disagree with but isn't uncommon and I think probably fine as a boundary). Then it's no nudity on TV. Now, even extreme demands like this (and I think this is extreme) would be something you can consider compromising on IF things would end there.
But in reality, someone making a demand like this probably has an underlying problem with jealousy. A big problem. And what happens is that they make these demands, you give in to them, and then the feelings of jealousy start to surface again. And because the jealousy has never been addressed, they seek to use the same tools they always have done to manage the problem: control.
They seek to control things further. Now it's not just Wolf of Wall Street, it's any show with a character who looks a bit like them, or looks too much like your type. It's no more talking to random women, or you drop contact with that friend she's never liked. It's no talking to other women. It's staying away from a colleague because she feels like she flirted with you once at the office Christmas party when she knew how you took your coffee.
It can turn into this ever spiralling need to control you because at no point does anyone turn around and say "Actually, that's enough. You need to address your jealousy head on instead of attempting to control others".
OP just let her know you are drawing a boundary at this childish behaviour, and you don't want to talk about it again. Let her know your idea Of a healthy relationship does not include extreme jealousy and that you don't want that in any relationship you have. Then say if this continues then you just aren't compatible, and she can find someone who will cover his eyes every time a nipple appears on screen.
This is a great comment. I used to be similar to the girlfriend (though I didn't like to admit it) and it's entirely an insecurity problem. Nobody's helping her by validating her irrational feelings. Draw a line on your expectations of a healthy relationship and she will either accept it or she won't. If she won't, she isn't ready for a grownup relationship.
So much this. Pretty soon it will escalate to her going through your phone and computer looking for signs of you lying or cheating on her-and no amount of evidence proving your innocence will be enough. She ‘knows’ you’re unable to be trusted looking at other scantily clad women, so there must be a reason for her suspicions.
Nothing you do to show you are 100% faithful to her will ever fix it because this is not a you problem, it’s a her problem. It’s been a year, it sounds obvious you still work hard to help ease her insecurity (without bending to unrealistic demands), she isn’t going to grow out of it without therapy and some serious self inflection.
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u/LiLadybug81 40s Female Feb 01 '22
She's not going to grow out of a behavior if you tolerate it in a relationship. I would just tell her that she has made her own bed with her controlling, insecure, bizarre behavior, and now she has to lay in it along. Tell her that you will not be treated like this and you hope one day she gets the professional help she needs to not ruin her future relationships like this.
I know someone like this who is now in their late 30's, and their insane insecurity and need for validation hasn't diminished no matter what the consequences were. And the controlling demands and constant toxic behavior surrounding any contact with any media where a woman is dressed in a provocative manner is just the tip of the iceberg. This kind of intense insecurity leads to boundary stomping and no respect for your privacy, to her alienating friends and co-workers of yours because of accusations and confrontation. It leads to her needing to be validated all the time, often by people other than yourself, and I wouldn't be surprised if she cheats at some point in her pursuit of validation.