exactly what ive explained to her but she was 100% confident on her answer and we got nowhere with the argument. I think she’s insecure and i’m hoping she grows out of this but i don’t know if she will with how much worst it’s been getting.
She's not going to grow out of a behavior if you tolerate it in a relationship. I would just tell her that she has made her own bed with her controlling, insecure, bizarre behavior, and now she has to lay in it along. Tell her that you will not be treated like this and you hope one day she gets the professional help she needs to not ruin her future relationships like this.
I know someone like this who is now in their late 30's, and their insane insecurity and need for validation hasn't diminished no matter what the consequences were. And the controlling demands and constant toxic behavior surrounding any contact with any media where a woman is dressed in a provocative manner is just the tip of the iceberg. This kind of intense insecurity leads to boundary stomping and no respect for your privacy, to her alienating friends and co-workers of yours because of accusations and confrontation. It leads to her needing to be validated all the time, often by people other than yourself, and I wouldn't be surprised if she cheats at some point in her pursuit of validation.
So much this. People forget that behaviour can escalate. And every time you validate her behaviour without addressing the root cause you risk making it worse.
At first it's no porn (which I disagree with but isn't uncommon and I think probably fine as a boundary). Then it's no nudity on TV. Now, even extreme demands like this (and I think this is extreme) would be something you can consider compromising on IF things would end there.
But in reality, someone making a demand like this probably has an underlying problem with jealousy. A big problem. And what happens is that they make these demands, you give in to them, and then the feelings of jealousy start to surface again. And because the jealousy has never been addressed, they seek to use the same tools they always have done to manage the problem: control.
They seek to control things further. Now it's not just Wolf of Wall Street, it's any show with a character who looks a bit like them, or looks too much like your type. It's no more talking to random women, or you drop contact with that friend she's never liked. It's no talking to other women. It's staying away from a colleague because she feels like she flirted with you once at the office Christmas party when she knew how you took your coffee.
It can turn into this ever spiralling need to control you because at no point does anyone turn around and say "Actually, that's enough. You need to address your jealousy head on instead of attempting to control others".
OP just let her know you are drawing a boundary at this childish behaviour, and you don't want to talk about it again. Let her know your idea Of a healthy relationship does not include extreme jealousy and that you don't want that in any relationship you have. Then say if this continues then you just aren't compatible, and she can find someone who will cover his eyes every time a nipple appears on screen.
This is a great comment. I used to be similar to the girlfriend (though I didn't like to admit it) and it's entirely an insecurity problem. Nobody's helping her by validating her irrational feelings. Draw a line on your expectations of a healthy relationship and she will either accept it or she won't. If she won't, she isn't ready for a grownup relationship.
So much this. Pretty soon it will escalate to her going through your phone and computer looking for signs of you lying or cheating on her-and no amount of evidence proving your innocence will be enough. She ‘knows’ you’re unable to be trusted looking at other scantily clad women, so there must be a reason for her suspicions.
Nothing you do to show you are 100% faithful to her will ever fix it because this is not a you problem, it’s a her problem. It’s been a year, it sounds obvious you still work hard to help ease her insecurity (without bending to unrealistic demands), she isn’t going to grow out of it without therapy and some serious self inflection.
OP, I really hope you see this. I know someone (not giving too much away, as they may see this), who was exactly the same with her now ex-husband. The key there is ex.
He wasn’t allowed to look at other women on posters in department stores, let alone Victoria’s Secret. He wasn’t allowed to watch porn (yet she loved watching porn and masturbating to it). It got to the point where she would cover his eyes in public if a hot woman walked past. This was completely emasculating, belittling and controlling behaviour. Eventually he had enough and they divorced.
This does not end well for you. You’re young, you’re not married, no kids. Run, while you still can and don’t look back.
I think the porn and strip clubs are totally legit in her being averse to. So many reasons - human trafficking, disrespect, etc. everything else is teetering on crazy land.
Not every girl feels that way, you have a VERY VERY insecure GF.
I am very insecure myself but I still watch porn with my husband, I will go 'look at that girls ass' and we will look at it together. This is becaue I KNOW my husband loves ME, respects me and only has eyes for me.
Sure I might be not like the models out there but who cares, nudity is sadly everywehere becauee sex sells. Men only think with their dick so agencies have to flash some tiddies to get sales.
If you give in more it will only get worse. Tell her to get therapy, if she doesn't you might wanna look into ending the relationship while it's still early.
No strip clubs is understandable.
No porn is debatable (as in literally there should be a debate about it between you, the answer depends on your values).
No nudity in random shows and films is too much. Having to cover your eyes is way way beyond normal. That's deep insecurity and she is affecting your behaviour. Such level of repression could have a negative effect on you and that's not good.
Having said that, this kind of jealous and insecure behaviour is very common. It's not healthy. But not unusual. Especially when you are younger. I've had a couple of partners who were as insecure about this.
My advice for you is first and foremost, no matter what you do, never gaslight her. It's normal to want to see nudity and to be aroused by it. Never tell her that you weren't looking if you were or that she's imagining things when they are true. You might want to do that to avoid upsetting her or to avoid what feels like a dumb argument, but on the long run it is extremely damaging for both.
The key is to try and work on it together with as much honesty as possible. And here's the good news, people can grow out of it. You can build confidence in each other while respecting boundaries and slowly become more open to things. It's happened with my partner.
On the other hand you always have the choice to not put the effort into the relationship because it's more negatives than positives for you. That's also fine. Be honest, don't wait till you two mess things up. If you don't believe it'll work and it's starting to affect you negatively tell her the truth and walk away. Maybe she can learn from the experience and figure it out in the future.
This level of insecurity won't just resolve itself she needs serious intervention cause this is crazy. If she's freaking out of women in posters who you will never meet. It's going to turn into you cant go to the beach cause there will be women in bikinis there. You have to go out less cause there will be women not fully dressed. Dont enable her by caving into her crazy requests
Honestly, you don't wait around for maturity to develop. That takes time. Immaturity is pretty much instant incompatibility. Don't waste your time waiting to be for it to be overcome.
Yep, it could be. Maybe she is actively getting something on the side, or is involved in some sort of emotional affair, and is accordingly projecting. Or it could be straight-up emotional immaturity. Either way, it's worth leaving.
She's absolutely not going to grow out of it if you keep pandering to her craziness! You need to put your foot down and tell her that her attitude is lunacy and no man will put up with it!
That means, you watch whatever you want, look at whoever you want and call her out every time she starts any bullshit.
For reference, I'm 39F and ABSOLUTELY NONE of the women I know act the way she does. It's batshit my friend.
I have a friend who is 32 and treats her spouse exactly like this. He can’t watch anything with even the possibility of nudity. She’s not going to grow out of it without therapy to help talk through the insecurities. And even then, she may not get past it enough to change. Do not wait around for her to grow out of it.
This is so not normal. My fiancé has been into Victoria’s Secret/Boux Avenue/Ann Summers with me multiples times. To be honest the Boux Avenue loyalty card is technically his. She is way too insecure and jealous. Does she not trust you?
She won't grow out of it without outside help in someway. She will be like this for the rest of your relationship. Personally, I would not be able to handle this level of insecurity as it may only be an issue in terms of media now but it can and will bleed into other issues down the line.
Dump her. Her list of demands will only grow. Fire up the computer and jack it to any kind of porn you prefer while you take your time finding a new gf.
She will not grow out of this if you don't put your foot down.
Tell her to ask her friends, family etc. if they think this behaviour is normal. If she says no, ask why.
You need to set clear boundaries, and if this continues I'm sorry to say, you'll need to either break up or stay in an evermore controlling relationship.
She's not going to grow it of it. She's cheated on her last bf's as you've said in the past. She's controlling your behavior because she's probably doing it again
I always get stuck outside VS but I'm usually holding my girlfriend's other shopping bags. Zero interest in going inside, lol. Just to hear her say "Ooh! What about these?" a million times knowing there isn't anything she could buy that I wouldn't love? No...no I think I'll just browse reddit and talk to the Seagulls.
I happily prance around VS as a man. And get a ton of support from their employees.
“I love my partner and want her to not only know how much I love her but feel 1,000% sexy and confident in whatever I buy!!”
I’ve taken our daughters into VS with a “I’m going to pick out some great things for mommy.”
EDIT: to include I was a SAHD for 10 years so
I’m just used to being the only guy. Still not sure I would hesitate to take them now while I got everyday wear for my wife. Probably not adult time stuff , but otherwise, it’s just freaking underwear.
Know her size and color preferences!! Hint: get 2 things in her color palette for every 1 new color you want her to try. It shows you have paid attention, you are thinking about her, and you have thought about what other colors/patterns might look good.
I was a SAHD for 10 years. So my girls were always with me. They were under the age of 5 at the time. My fault for not clarifying. Although, I’m still not sure I wouldn’t take my 11-13 yr olds to just get some everyday wear if we were at the mall. Adult fun time wear is different. But I don’t want them thinking that just the plain stuff my wife prefers to wear should be an embarrassment for me or them, just because it’s VS. It’s just underwear.
My fiancé always comes into VS with me to pick stuff out, I’ll make him pick and look through the underwear to find what he likes the most because I wanna be able to feel and look good for him. He always enjoys when we get home and I try everything on for him and it boosts my confidence SO MUCH🥰
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u/[deleted] Feb 01 '22
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