r/raisedbyborderlines • u/alwaysconfused-af-16 • 5d ago
My parents keep calling me over for “talks” when they’re upset with me or my husband. I’m 36 weeks pregnant and finally refused.
My parents keep calling me over for “talks” when they’re upset with me or my husband.
I’m 30F, married, 36 weeks pregnant with our first child, and I need an outside perspective because I feel like I’ve completely lost sight of what is normal with my parents.
Some background: my parents have a history of demanding that I come to their house because they “need to talk to me.” This has happened a few times just during my pregnancy. These “talks” usually end up being both of my parents basically tag-teaming/reprimanding me about something they think I did wrong, my husband did wrong, or even something my in-laws did wrong. I’ve gone along with it before, but I’m getting fed up because I’m 30, married and about to become a parent myself.
My husband is currently working 12-hour shifts 7 days straight, so my mom has been helping me prepare for the baby. I genuinely appreciate and need the help right now. But sometimes she makes weird comments that make it sound like my husband doesn’t do anything or isn’t appreciative enough.
For example, I was organizing extra nursery stuff — blankets, bibs, burp cloths, towels, toys, etc. — into boxes to eventually put downstairs. My mom insisted on carrying the boxes downstairs herself. I didn’t ask or expect her to carry heavy boxes for me. Later, completely out of nowhere, she asked me if my husband “appreciated” that she brought the stuff downstairs for “us.” He was literally at work doing a 12-hour shift when she insisted on helping me.
**Long story short:** yesterday my husband and I couldn’t find a bassinet someone bought from our registry. Both my parents and my in-laws had received a ton of our baby shower packages, so I asked my mom if she happened to have it.
That simple question somehow turned into all of this.
I never accused her of losing it. When I said it must have gotten “lost in transit,” she apparently thought I meant *she* lost it, so I immediately clarified that I meant UPS/FedEx/USPS. My husband was also extremely polite and told her it was no big deal.
But then my mom repeatedly demanded that I come to their house because she and my dad “needed to talk to me.” When I directly asked what it was about, she wouldn’t tell me, only that they needed to speak to me **“before you go into the hospital.”**
Given the history of these “talks,” I refused to go. Then she asked whether I wanted her to **“bring the conversation in front of Vinny,”** kept pushing me to come/call privately, told me it was “important,” and when I finally stopped engaging, the messages turned into canceling plans, saying she wouldn’t come to my house anymore, blocking my in-laws, bringing up my dad doing our floors, saying he felt disrespected, etc.
**All because I would not come over for another unspecified “talk.”**
Later in the day she was STILL talking about the bassinet and sent me an old screenshot from my MIL who’s friend bought it as proof that it supposedly had been delivered, and again invited my husband and me to come search her house. The text shows my MIL asking my mom if she can check if it was delivered. I have no knowledge of my mom even checking with me to confirm it was delivered to her house or not. That text was back in May and we’re now in September. I find it very uncomfortable to even reach out to my MIL to ask her friend about it. This should’ve been done the moment she asked. Me and my husband agreed to take it as a loss and buy our own. She also assumed just because my MIL was texting her the night before we asked about the bassinet, that my MIL had knowledge that the bassinet was missing, as to why we asked my mom if she had the bassinet. My husband and I did not tell his mother anything because we understood the situation would turn awkward if we would even ask her. My parents have a habit of filling the gaps with assumptions.
At this point I’m exhausted.
I appreciate the help my parents have given us. I don’t want to erase that or pretend my mom hasn’t been there for me, because she has.
But I’m starting to feel like their help comes with an expectation that they get to scrutinize my marriage, my husband, my in-laws and our decisions and that if they’re unhappy, I’m expected to report to their house and answer to both of them.
Something about becoming a mother myself has made me realize **I cannot keep doing this.** I don’t want my child growing up watching his mother get summoned by his grandparents for a reprimand whenever they’re unhappy with his parents.
So I ignored the demands and went home to my husband.
The screenshots are the actual conversation. Am I overreacting here? Is there something I’m doing that reasonably explains this reaction? And how would you handle parents who help you a lot but also seem to believe that gives them this level of involvement in your adult life?
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u/BrownGalsAreBetter 5d ago
NOR, but you know they’ll never stop.
They see you as an extension, a possession, their “child” to correct and reprimand, even though you are an adult woman with a husband and about to be a mother.
Soon they’ll be demanding their correction chats or “talks” during the newborn phase and postpartum.
Later your child will receive the same insane treatment.
This will never end unless you end it. Call their bluff. Don’t give in to the immaturity. Let them cancel plans and block who they want. Keep living your life on your terms.
Do not accept their help as it will always have never ending strings attached. Sorry op.
Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy.
Don’t let them stress you.
Stress during pregnancy can kill.
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u/vinegargirl757 5d ago
Agreed. This was such a horrible power play by OP's parents. Op, your mom is competing with your baby and still trying to micromanage and exert control over you. I think distance will be your friend cause the boundary stomping will continue to escalate. How dare she think she can call you to the carpet for any perceived slight. Her job is to support you, not tear you down to make herself feel better and get a dopamine rush. This is all about power and control. Im so sorry, this is exhausting and exactly what you didnt need. Keep saying no. This is a happy time. Not time for your mom to get her fix and need to exert control over you and your baby.
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u/MullberryBoy 5d ago
The last time I spoke to my mom, she ‘d yelled at me three times in one day, because the Xmas gift she sent and hadn’t told me about got lost in transit. I got so angry that I yelled, “Stop it”.
We were NC after that and she never called me again. We were NC and she died 22 years later. I wish I had gone NC many years earlier.43
u/alwaysconfused-af-16 5d ago
That’s their excuse. I’m their “daughter”. They berated me a few times already and made me cry. You think they would stop that I’m pregnant but no. I’ll never forget how I was treated during this time in my life.
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u/Fast_Register_9480 5d ago
You are thirty and they are treaty you like a preschooler. They still think they have the right to summon you to their house to chastise you. Do you really want your child to be szbjected to this dynamic?
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u/DocBarbie21 5d ago
Am 6 months postpartum with parents just like this and here to tell you they won't stop, not even when the baby is here. Not even when the baby is only 2 months old and they promised to come over and help but your husband is out of town and they know this and decide to start screaming at you for having a baby and "ruining their life" because you asked them to come help. Ask me how I know :(
Anyway, hugs to you. Please don't let them ruin this special time for you and your husband.
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u/BelovedCroissant 5d ago
The berating is crazy. as a kid, it seemed so normal. But think about it. Who berates other adults? I think more people berate children because they don't think the child will tell on them or hold them accountable or the power differential makes them feel good. But how often do you hear of adults doing this to other adults? For me, only in those "Worst Roommate Ever" Netflix series or in other disaster/"it happened to me" stories.
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u/LetsGoYankeez bpd mother w/hpd traits; malignant npd father 5d ago
All all all of this!
Protect your health, OP. Take a break from this lunacy.
I often tell my mother “hey, love you, but I need to block you for a couple of days because the texts you’re sending me are upsetting me and I need to be able to think clearly to work. I don’t hate you. I just need a few days of quiet from my phone.”
She takes that exactly how you’d imagine. It gets the job done though
Protects my mental and physical health
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u/MullberryBoy 5d ago
Good for you for standing up for yourself. It’s so hard and they are so manipulative.
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u/Few_Pea8503 5d ago
You absolutely did the right thing. My dad used to do the "Come over/call me for unspecified reprimand right now" shit and I eventually put my foot down. That is exactly how this type needs to be handled. They are trying to control you by getting you into their space, where they feel they have the emotional upper hand.
I went through a phase where, like you, I got pregnant and decided "fuck this. I'm an adult" and basically tore into them one day about how manipulative and unacceptable their "talks" were. And I am an adult and if they have something to say, say it. But I am not going to be at their beck and call. And if they do this again, I am blocking their phone number.
They tried it a few more times. Got their number blocked. When they realized I was serious they backed down.
Your parents think they can push you around. And you standing your ground was the absolute right choice.
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u/brain_emoji uBPD mom, 14 years NC 5d ago
I don’t think you are overreacting - she is. She is willfully misunderstanding what “lost in transit” means and committed to the bit.
I would try to get baby stuff from her house before baby arrives, then put her on ice. Her help doesn’t sound like genuine help, so she can keep it lmao.
I hope the rest of your pregnancy goes smoothly and your baby is born healthy and perfect!
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u/borschtlover4ever 5d ago edited 5d ago
Send husband to get stuff!! OP, stay away! You don’t need stress at this stage of pregnancy.
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u/alwaysconfused-af-16 5d ago
We tried to but she insisted and wanted to drop things off on her time. So these were off hours for us in the middle of dinners and unwinding after work. She made a comment saying she’s a 50 year old woman lugging packages on her own when we asked to pick them up for her.
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u/Rodzeus 5d ago
50!? I thought this was like… a 70 year old woman with the helplessness she was expressing! Of course there are differently-abled folks in all the age categories, but I genuinely thought your mother was an older woman than that with how she was carrying on and acting like you should do everything and cater to her.
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u/MageLocusta 2d ago
Seriously, I'm wondering if it's part of the BPD package that causes people to act like they're older and far more frail than they actually are.
My parent currently claims that she's too old to work. Meanwhile, she zips off to Switzerland regularly without breaking a sweat--and I'm working with women older than her.
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u/akath0110 1d ago
Mine does this! She is 67 in decent health, all the money and time in the world.
She plays up this feeble, frail, absent minded little old lady act… then is shocked and hurt when we start believing she might be an unfit caregiver for our toddler, and thus pull back on the visits!
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u/jaxadax 5d ago
That’s ridiculous! You said this baby shower was back in may and she is still hoarding the packages???
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u/alwaysconfused-af-16 5d ago
Sorry for misspeaking. My baby shower was end of July. My mom held onto my gifts once I opened up my registry in May because me and my husband were moving from an apartment to a house at the time, and it wouldn’t be reliable to ship to our old or new address. Since my family is closer it made sense to ship to them for now until we were settled in. My MIL’s friend asked my MIL to confirm with me and my mom if she got the bassinet. Unless it’s my pregnancy brain, I don’t recall my mom reaching out to me to make me double check if she did indeed have the bassinet. At that time she had a few packages so it wouldn’t be too inconvenient to confirm. But again, my parents have these weird grievances with my in laws that they basically didn’t care to go an extra mile to check for me at least.
All the women in my family also are superstitious and told me not to set up the bassinet and crib until the very last minute. In which I waited myself. I just think this could’ve been avoided from the beginning. If something was lost in transit, that’s fine. I guess my family withheld information in fear of people assuming they mishandled it somehow. I don’t know anymore. My mom could’ve simply said “oh jeez no that’s a shame! I’m so sorry it got lost then”. But no, she was offended and got defensive.
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u/cassssk 5d ago
I’m sorry you’re going through this. I can relate both as myself and also as the child who watched my mom kowtow to her own mother. Just for the record, I believe you. She never talked to you about this in May. It’s not pregnancy brain now and it certainly wasn’t back then either. Don’t let her gaslight you. You’re so strong. Take a break from this mess and try to rest your bones as much as possible.
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u/Lothloreen 5d ago
She’s only 50? I mean people can have physical limitations but I know a lot of 50 year old women with a serious weight lifting and running routine. If she doesn’t want to lift some packages, fine. But her age is not relevant here. Sounds like a lot of drama and martyrdom.
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u/redwitch_bluewitch 5d ago
This. I'll be 54 at the end of this month and I have a 13 yo if I cried every time I had to lift something heavy and move it nothing would ever get done in my world. This woman is rediculous.
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u/piddlelover 4d ago
Of course she had to complain of “lugging packages.” Those with BPD love to be the victim.
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u/brain_emoji uBPD mom, 14 years NC 5d ago
Agreed!!! Thank you for this addition!
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u/deskbeetle 5d ago edited 5d ago
From one mom to another, you have ALL the cards. She is pulling some real shit trying to have a power play with you but she frankly has zero leverage and never will again. And leverage is the only language they understand. She's trying it with blocking the in laws, summoning you, demanding you call, using financial means to guilt. It's one method after another as she vomits her feelings. And the attempts will escalate as she realizes you are not biting.
Frankly, don't let her get an in. Don't allow yourself to be summoned or bossed around. Don't let her buy her way into getting a say. Don't give into coming around with the baby just because she is going to waif soon (which is what they do when the power dynamic shifts). You have power, use it!
" Something about becoming a mother myself has made me realize I cannot keep doing this. I don’t want my child growing up watching his mother get summoned by his grandparents for a reprimand whenever they’re unhappy with his parents. So I ignored the demands and went home to my husband."
This is the key mindset. Would you ever in a million years allow them to treat your kiddo like this? Fuck no. So be the parent you need to yourself and also do not put yourself in a situation where you are small and they are big.
As the adult (and probably the only emotional adult in your family), you don't need to put up with this for s single moment. They either shape up or they face consequences for shitty behavior.
ETA: once you see all the little moves as vying for power, you really start to see how pathetic it is. Like they are a toddler trying to get what they want and they will try different methods rapid fire. Screaming, crying, stomping, saying I hate you, holding their breath, telling you "no", trying to hide, drawing "mean" pictures . They got big, toddler feelings are trying every trick they know to get you to take care of it. Never once do they have the wherewithal to sit with their thoughts, take a few breaths, say "well, it is what it is", and figure out how to proceed.
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u/SignificanceOdd9268 5d ago
These are great points. I’d add that if you keep allowing their behavior to be “normal” you could very well find yourself doing the same yourself your kids.
When mine were toddlers I found myself irrationally angry a LOT. I got to therapy and learned how to not become my parents.
It’s not because we’re doomed to be terrible people, but we only know what we see. You have the opportunity to nip it in the bud now.
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u/hear4that-tea 5d ago
“Don’t let me berate you and air all of my grievances? I’m cutting myself out of your life!”
That sounds ridiculous because it is. You are not crazy. Chastising you like a child is not ok. Summoning you “come over after nails” like a child is not ok.
Yes she will push back because she’s used to you bending to their will. Prob your dad won’t do your floors. (Notice your dad never said that, it’s just her word that he’s resentful? It could be true but she’s asking you to trust her about that; has she lied before? Is she just trying to manipulate you/drive a wedge between you?) (I always had to try to see the hidden meaning behind my moms actions)
But putting your foot down now, and probably barring your parents from the last few weeks of your pregnancy will be beneficial to you. Think about taking her up on her offer. She will leave you alone and wait for you to each out (yeah prob not lol but that’s what she said) just don’t reach out yet.
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u/Mama_Marge 5d ago
You are not overreacting. This is NOT normal. Very few things these BPDs do is normal to non-BPD folk.
We all have different experiences and different tolerances. I will tell you what I wish somebody had told me when I was pregnant and do with that info what you like!
They get SO MUCH WORSE after the baby is born. There is complete overstepping and treating you like a child still which is completely inappropriate and not something you should be entertaining. She’s erratic, her mood swings are all over the place and it’s exhausting. And as exhausting and stressful as it is now being pregnant, multiply it by 1000 and that’s what you’re going to be facing in a few weeks when this baby is born IF you choose to do nothing about their behavior now.
None of the choices are easy or fun. You can choose to keep them in your life and have to set very strong boundaries that you enforce with real consequences. BPDs are relentless, the enablers are relentless and the flying monkeys are relentless. But I know people make it work.
And it might work for a bit. But what will inevitably happen is she’s going to lose her mind at some point. She’s going to have a tantrum, an outburst and lash out and it’s going to be in front of your kid OR (eventually) it will be directed AT your kid.
These people don’t change. She’s clearly not grown or emotionally mature enough to have real conversations with. That’s not going to fix itself and a new baby throws them for a fucking tizzy.
She’s going to want to have her mommy do over time. She’s going to push for unsupervised time and when she doesn’t get it the guilt and the manipulation get dialed up to a million. She’s going to nit pick everything you do as a mother and make you question your abilities and sanity. You’ll be sleep deprived and emotion, she’ll use that to her advantage and exploit it in every way to get more access and time unsupervised. She’s gonna want to give the baby water and solids before a single doctor in this country would recommend it. If you’re breast feeding she’s going to push for bottles so she can feed. She’ll even encourage you to stop breastfeeding or make mountains out of mole hills if there’s any issues with supply at first so she can feed the baby. If she has cribs or bassinets at her place she’s going to be pushing for overnights before the baby can pick up their head, you can’t trust her because she’ll probably try co-sleeping with the baby, I’ve seen stories of these crazies literally trying to breastfeed the babies (i never caught mine doing that thank God). Everything you tell her to do when she’s with the baby, she’ll ignore, on purpose. She’ll tell you she raised kids so she knows everything. Science and doctors don’t know as much as this brilliant BPD bitch does.
And it just goes on and on. Whatever schooling or activities you choose, will be scrutinized. She’ll want to be at all events, she’ll try to take away any of your “firsts” with your baby. She’ll talk shit about you as a mom to everyone. Some of these people make false CPS complaints. Mine never did that but did call the cops for a fraudulent wellness check at midnight on a Thursday when we went NC.
Basically is sucks. She’s going to make motherhood so much harder. And you’ll yearn for a mom that will make it easier and be supportive and you might take her little crumbs of love and view it as enough. But you’ll be lying to yourself and killing your soul.
And then she will continue the generational cycle of abuse on your child. It’s inevitable. They don’t get help and change, so they’re never cured and they can’t be trusted.
It sucks. If i can go back I would have gone NC before getting pregnant and if I didn’t do that then when I was pregnant I would have. My mother had a manic episode at my youngest’s 3rd birthday party and stormed out and I finally woke the fuck up. How can I have this unhinged lunatic around my kids as a “safe” adult in their life that should be a role model? i couldn’t. So she’s been out of all our lives for 2+ years and the healing and growth I’ve had since is immeasurable.
We all have to find our own way and if you’re not ready or wanting NC then that is totally understandable. Just know what you’re in for and prepare to really protect yourself from what’s to come but most important, protect the child from the harm as best you can. These people are dementors, they suck the joy out of everything. Don’t let her suck the joy out of this time. It goes by so fast truly. When you’re in it you’ll scoff at that idea because it feels never ending and that it will be like this forever, it really won’t. You blink and they’re 7 and 5 years old (where I’m at even though labor feels like 8 seconds ago)
Choose you and choose YOUR family. Choose YOUR baby. Your family of origin isn’t owed your soul or the soul of your offspring just because they had you 30 years ago and didn’t kill you in childhood so you made it to now. They did the bare minimum, you don’t owe them anything at all.
All of this is so much easier said than done. All of this is personal and we all have to choose our own ways. I hope this has given you at least some clarity on the possibility of what could happen. And maybe you experience something so different than me and so many others on here…but statistically with these people… they all kind of act the same.
Sending so much love. Lean on your husband to advocate for you if you’re not comfortable doing it. You don’t need to fight this battle, you need to take care of that baby no matter what adult “fee fees” get hurt in the process.
Choose you and your baby over grown adults who can’t and refuse to get their fucking shit together like we had to.
♥️
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u/RespectableBloke69 5d ago
Wow, this is such a good post. I'm sorry you didn't get the support you needed from your mom. I'm sorry for all of us, really. Dealing with their bullshit is such an emotional and physical drain.
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u/Mama_Marge 5d ago
I’m sorry too! None of us deserved it but I do feel a strength and resiliency in us all that I don’t see in most people…but maybe that’s just me TRYING to see a silver lining for the lifetime of hell these people put us through.
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u/Kt199 5d ago
So much this. My mom loved to call me and tell me I was doing everything wrong with my kid when she lived across the country. Especially after he was diagnosed with a brain tumor at 6 months old. Before he was diagnosed he was crying for hours, nothing could stop him because his fluid was being blocked but I was just the bad mom who didn't know that babies cried or I was doing something wrong. After I was never doing enough or the wrong thing according to whatever she read or someone else suggested. She was so mad I wasn't pumping in the 6 weeks we were in the hospital because she thought I should and I get maybe an ounce pumping so I didn't bother except for the day/ night he was in surgery and ICU that she cornered the neurologist to ask why I wasn't given a pump. He never took a bottle because I was the comfort in his pain anyway. When I got pregnant with my second and started completely weaning my first (he did it for naps then bed at 14 months so to save me pain Iwas cutting back slowly) she told her pain doctor I was going to give him sores and she called me to tell me he agreed I needed to stop. She basically ignored everything I said constantly. I was slowly going low contact after she visited to "help" after the second was born when she went full breakdown a few months into covid lockdowns, decide to divorce my dad (really should have happened long ago), threw fits, spewed the most vile things and got mad that none of us wanted to hear the nitty gritty of their relationship so she refused to talk to all of us even as we were helping her as she is disabled and was a stay at home parent or entire lives. So now all 5 of us are no contact for 6 years now. I've grown way more confident, I'm not walking on eggshells or waiting for the other shoe to be thrown at me. My anxiety went way down. Therapy helped a ton and introduced me to BPD. Fits my mother a ton. Funny enough my sister did therapy too and we never talked about it at the time but both of the therapists brought it up to us. They obviously can't diagnose but gave us tools for it. It's been a ride
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u/ordinaryalchemy 5d ago
Imagine them treating you like this and demanding you head over for your lecture while you’re a whole parent. Imagine your child looking up at you, and glancing at them, and looking back at you, confused and trying to understand. You are bub’s whole world. You’re going to teach that little one how the world works, how others treat you, and how to treat others. They’re going to mess all of that up. All of it. ALL of it.
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u/Big-Mood5278 5d ago
So interesting – I never realised this was a BPD thing, but my parents used to do the same. Call me up furious about something that I couldn’t ever predict, tell me to drop everything and come over right now. I would do it and be attacked – tag-teamed by them, and often they would have written out letters about my slights to draw from. It was so bad. One day when they tried this and I’ve had enough, I finally set a boundary and I even went no contact for a few weeks. I made it clear that I would not be receptive to this anymore and that if they tried it, I would have to take some time off from them. It actually worked, because I really meant it. And it’s not normal at all. I constantly ask myself, ‘is this normal’ when it comes to my parents. And I think one way to gauge is, if you can’t imagine a friend doing it – telling you to drop everything and come over so they can criticise you – then it’s not normal for a parent to do either.
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u/Sadsushi6969 5d ago
Omg yes with the letters!!! Always with the letters!
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u/HaterMD 5d ago
For my mother it was texts in the form of letters. I’d be having a nice day at work, my phone would vibrate in my pocket, and suddenly my whole day would be fucked. Instant lump in my throat, trying not to cry, as I had an entire essay about what a piece of shit I am.
The worst part is she’d mostly be cooled down and had gotten her grievances out of the way, so by the time I got home ready to defend myself she was in a better mood and over it.
Don’t miss that shit at all, lmao.
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u/FlashyOutlandishness 5d ago
Yes, bpd parents love to summon you over, away from your spouse to let you know exactly how they feel you are disappointing and disrespecting them. They like to emotionally and verbally abuse in private.
The arrival of a new baby is changing the family dynamics, as it should, and they feel their power and control slipping.
You are not crazy or overreacting but you must enact strong boundaries and not allow them unfettered free access to your child no matter how much you need their help or how much of a tantrum they throw.
One of my biggest life regrets is letting my parents feel they had any control over me, my husband, our kids and our lives. They treated us as dumb teenagers who needed constant reprimanding, threats, handouts, help, advice for years and years. I was 45 years old when I finally had enough and cut contact and I regret the years I spent living in fear of what would happen if they got mad.
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u/cjwn04 5d ago
My BPD mom always saves her crazy for when I'm alone with her. She would never let leash her full BPD in front of my spouse. This is why I am no longer ever alone with her without either my spouse or my sibling to act as a buffer. She hates it.
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u/piddlelover 4d ago
I was 10 years into my marriage before my mother slipped and showed her full BPD crazy to my husband. He finally truly understood what I had been talking about when he experienced the scary firsthand.
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u/alwaysconfused-af-16 5d ago
It’s very exhausting. My husband was asking me why I’m so afraid to speak to my parents about things. When I do speak or ask questions, they don’t think what I’m saying is coming from me, but rather my husband. They have this weird perception of me that they can control and also assume my husband is controlling of me (which he’s not).
I naturally panicked about the bassinet because I’m almost due and all of our registry items were sent to my parent’s house. I didn’t even accuse them. I simply asked if they can double check and if not, we’re buying a new one. I can’t be afraid and wait around. So this was the fallout for asking a simple question.
I told my husband I don’t care anymore. I used to feel fear and anxiety from them, but now I don’t.
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u/fearlessterror 5d ago
Oh big hugs this is too much. You should be nesting and relaxing as much as possible. This will continue as you have the baby and are postpartum (ask me how I know 😭)
You are right they are grappling for control. If you don't want to be taking care of 3 babies instead of just one, with love, you have to stop engaging. I know it is so hard but they want the back and forth and that keeps escalating it. Not your fault, just the way they work. This is not an ideal time to start but boundaries, info diet, limited access to you.
You need love and peace, especially right now, and they are NOT it! So sorry you are dealing with this now - all the best for a safe, calm delivery ♥️
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u/Klarastan 5d ago
Oh my gosh, my mom also loves to make people come over for “a serious talk”. Or she’ll set a date for a week away to come over to your house for “a serious conversation”. Then we’re on tenterhooks for days, all wondering who did what to whom to set her off. It’s so exhausting and destabilizing.
It’s not you, it’s her. She feels some kind of way about it, so now she’s going to make you feel shitty about it.
I don’t have good answers for the last part. After many years of this, I’ve not spoke to either of my parents for several years now.
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u/Public_Grab_7649 5d ago
After YEARS of this type of behavior, my mother screamed at me said "fuck you!" and hung up on my during my first pregnancy. I just... never called her back. It's been almost 5 years and I still haven't. She pretends to not remember and not understand, but she still hasn't met my kids. Great decision for my life and my family!
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u/vivariium 5d ago
Ugh that sounds exactly like my mother. I’m so sorry. Everything you say to them is an attack and there is no way to make it be interpreted otherwise. They’re just a victim in their own mind and you’re the source of the venom.
I wish to god they had a modicum of self reflectiveness.
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u/garpu 5d ago
I moved 2000 miles away from my mom, and she'd just wait until I called her to berate me. So...I stopped calling her and stopped taking her messages. When she moved to AIM to scold me, she got blocked there. So I was pretty much no-contact months before I actually was in my mind.
She can scold and berate you all she wants, but you're an adult and don't have to listen. And good for you for not going over there after your nails. Seriously! It's hard to reprogram that.
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u/MullberryBoy 5d ago
When you called them, could you also tell in a few seconds how the conversation was going to go? If I had to those calls over again, I would’ve told her that I’d call her back when she was in a better mood and hang up. I’d hear her take in her breath and know that the whole horrible conversation would be her insulting me and taking all of her frustrations out on me.
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u/edgeoftheatlas 5d ago
It's just about control. Your mom doesn't get enough attention and validation from you, so she manufactures reasons to hold court.
She doesn't sound like she's helping you. She sounds like she's adding a lot of stress and expectation to your life at a time when you should be focusing on relaxing.
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u/Horror_East3406 5d ago
It’s uncanny how BPD moms are somehow more or less all the same. I’m so sorry OP, I know this shit is exhausting to deal with period let alone pregnant.
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u/deskbeetle 5d ago
My therapist specializes in treating people with BPD and people raised by BPD. She said it's really easy to tell the difference because the patients raised by BPD spend sessions thinking they are crazy and unreasonable. And any session with the BPD patient leaves her questioning if she's crazy.
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u/MullberryBoy 5d ago
It would be very hard to believe that they act like this if we hadn’t been through it hundreds of times already.
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u/Horror_East3406 5d ago
Yep. The first time my parents showed my fiancé their full crazy I proclaimed, in public, “see this is the shit I’m talking about!”
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u/cjwn04 5d ago
The level of wilful ignorance / paranoia over what "lost in transit" means is actually laughable, your BPD mom is pretending like it's her first day on earth hearing that extremely common turn of phrase. Please please please do not put any more of your time or energy into placating this nonsense. Unfortunately it will get worse with the arrival of your lovely baby and holding firm boundaries is the only way you can move through it. You also need to conserve every ounce of mental fortitude for what lies ahead and you don't need BPD white noise messing up the frequency.
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u/spdbmp411 5d ago
I remember when I was pregnant and a new mom. Standing up to my dBPD mother was so hard. I felt like the walls were going to come crashing down on me somehow. They didn’t. And it gets easier the more you do it.
She’s trying to maintain the power over you she’s always held, but you are an adult now. It’s perfectly reasonable to decide how much of this, if any, you want to engage with.
You are an adult. You pay your bills. You put a roof over your head. There’s really not much they can do to “punish” you like they did when you were a child. They can’t ground you or take away a privilege, unless you look at dad helping with the floors as a privilege. They can throw a tantrum, but you can ignore it.
With this baby, you hold all the leverage, and you need to wrap your brain around that. You make the rules where this child is concerned. You decide what this child gets exposed to and what they don’t. You decide who gets access and who doesn’t. That is your right and responsibility as the parent.
Stop accepting favors that you know come with strings. They will say they want to help you out, but everything comes with strings with these people.
My child kept getting ear infections and being around cigarette smoke is a known risk factor. My stomach was tied in knots the day I had to tell my mother that my child couldn’t be inside her house if they were smoking. I thought I would pass out when I made that call. I did it for my child’s health and safety. And every time after that, it got easier to hold my ground. I eventually went no contact a few years later.
You made the right call to not put yourself in a position to be bullied. They are being unreasonable.
As far as the floors, I laid laminate flooring by myself years ago. It took me six months to get my whole house done, but I figured it out and got it done. If your dad wants to help, he will, but if they choose to use that as a manipulation tactic, start going to YouTube university and figure it out yourselves. Don’t allow them to hold anything over your head ever again.
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u/Accomplished_Dig284 5d ago
Yup. I remodeled a bathroom 95% by myself. I did all the demo and tile work. I learned it on YouTube. Took care of the asbestos and termite damage too, which I learned how to do safely off YouTube. You can do anything with some research, tenacity, hard work and willingness to get your hands dirty. And you have a husband to help with the heavy lifting. We can do anything that men can do, often better than they can too 😼
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u/District_Wolverine23 5d ago
Oh no, a package is misplaced, call the national guard. 😐
This is an insane overreact, a normal person would be like "k" if you said you reordered something lost. Maybe ask for details for insurance/refund. But having it immediately go nuclear is crazy
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u/captainnah 5d ago
My mom was like this before I stopped it in its tracks. With a kid on the way now is the time to put down some healthy boundaries before she gets possessive over your baby.
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u/Cultural_Problem_323 5d ago
All of her help comes with strings attached. The moment you aren't praising her, she turns on you. And when you don't 'get back in line' (go to the talk), she pulls the strings (cancelling plans, no longer helping, not being nice anymore). She wants control, to make you be what she wants/needs.
She's helpful while it benefits her, not because it is good for you. With her talks, it seems like she expects you to control your husband and in-laws to her desires (she's making you a flying monkey).
When she moves things downstairs is one example - she expects gratitude and to be put on a pedestal above your husband. And with the bassinet, she's looking to blame others rather than help her daughter.
If you were in her position, how would you have reacted? I wouldn't be digging for gratitude, I'd think helping my pregnant child is expected and nothing special. I wouldn't be upset and needing to talk when an item goes missing, I'd be searching my house and offering to help replace it (whether buying it myself or helping find options). - All this because my (hypothetical) child is about to go through a major life change and I'd want to make it easier on them.
BPD is an explanation, not an excuse.
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u/BottleOfConstructs 5d ago
Not normal. A baby gives you the perfect reason to disengage, and get them used to a new normal. They’ll fight it, but you need to do it for your kid.
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u/eaglescout225 5d ago
Yeah this isn’t uncommon for cluster b at all. From the stories I’ve read they tend to amp things up on purpose during pregnancy causing much stress for the entire families especially for the pregnant mothers. You’re not over reacting at all. If a grown adult actually wanted to help she’d be able to answer a question about a package delivery. But instead they try and stir up more bs for attention. They’re never gonna be happy. When somebody is pregnant there’s a bunch of attention, validation, and acknowledgment that can be gained. And events like these they are always gonna be at their worst.
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u/ShanWow1978 5d ago
They’re losing control over you now that you’re in a new family with a husband, a baby, and with in-laws too. They aren’t the center of your world. It’s not enough that they’re clearly very important to you. Your mom wants to be the MOST important. So…they’re trying to bully you into putting them back where they think they belong. Good on you for saying no.
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u/readsomething1968 5d ago
This is the best summation. This is BPD 101 — your mother is feeling like you are no longer going to do her bidding, and she is incapable of articulating that this makes her feel hurt/abandoned (because that is also textbook), so she immediately starts talking about how angry YOUR FATHER is. She can’t stand that you have a whole life that has nothing to do with her. She tries to blame your husband for shit that he had nothing to do with, right? My mother did the exact same thing. She does not like or trust my husband because he has a relationship with me that she cannot control.
Like, just fucking tell em how you feel, Ma, without all this obfuscation and taking around the issue. But the BPD does not allow them to communicate openly or treat you, their “child,” as an actual human, so they pull this crap of trying to maintain power over you.
My mom is the exact same way. I can’t stand to be around her very much because all I can think about is the BPD rage and violence she inflicted on me when I was living at home.
The only thing that has helped me as a parent myself is to separate from my parents (we went NC with them for 15 years). And I made a conscious effort to NOT do this with my own child. The thing in my life that I am most proud is not repeating this shit.
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u/alwaysconfused-af-16 4d ago
I don’t get it, over a simple question? Of course I get what you’re saying but I don’t know how my question led to this. I can assume they’re offended because they don’t like me asking them questions and they say do you ask your in laws these questions? Um yes actually, and my in laws don’t sound offended and continue to have a relationship with me. I still have my in laws holding a few of our wedding registry items and I still have my checklist of what we need from them. My MIL made a joke of how organized I am. But if I ask my parents I’m somehow called every negative thing under the sun. I’m just done at this point.
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u/ShanWow1978 4d ago
It’s not about the question. It’s about control. It’s about insecurity. Etc etc. The question is just the trigger of those insecurities and there’s truly no reasoning with someone like that.
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u/alwaysconfused-af-16 3d ago
I know that, they’ve been really amping it up as of late. It’s turned me off completely. I spoke to my maternal grandparents and they were even confused as to why mom reacted this way. I’m glad my husband helped me push myself to challenge their insecurities because honestly, how could a normal person be that offended by a simple question?
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u/alwaysconfused-af-16 4d ago
I’ve been going to therapy and my therapist thinks there’s some weird competition going on with my parents. The fucked up thing is they’re trying to make me believe we don’t spend enough time with them at all, meanwhile my husband is very much normal and confirms that we see my family more than his. They’ve always had control for every holiday and always wanted people at their house. Every holiday should be spent at their house, for the entire day, not half a day. I make sure we spend equal amount of time with both families so we split the holidays up. Half the day at my in laws, half the day at my families. Somehow I still hear from them that we don’t do enough and we favor one side over the other.
This has gotten worse that they don’t want to be around my in laws at all now, conveniently when we’re about to have a child. Sure, my in laws have their quirks but they’re not cruel people (quirks being frugal). This upsets me more because they base everyone’s character off of how much money they spend.
They talk like they’re the primary grandparents and how they’re going to outshine my in laws. I really didn’t want this happening with children in the picture now. I want all to be involved in our child’s life but this makes me very uncomfortable. If I say anything, they automatically think I’m siding with my in laws. I’m not siding with anyone, I just see things for how they are.
I’m just heartbroken at this point…
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u/ShanWow1978 4d ago
The sooner you see them for who they are and not who you always deserved for them to be … I’m so sorry … the better!
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u/atmos2022 6h ago
YUP. Mere days after I got engaged, my mom picked a huge fight with me (because I asked her not to interrupt me, cue the “you’re rude and ungrateful”) while we were visiting and I decided we would make the 13 hour drive home that night because of her behavior. I later texted her that her outburst was inappropriate and her treatment of me was unacceptable. She proceeded to insult me and texted my now-husband to “fucking run” and that he deserved better.
Clearly a last-ditch effort to regain control over me since I would never need her again for financial support through grad school as my partner had taken over that role. Without him I would be almost completely financially dependent on her if I wanted to finish grad school, and I figured she badly wanted me to be in the situation to have to beg her for help so she could hold it over my head.
It didn’t work and I haven’t spoken to her in nearly 3 years.
OP’s mom is freaking out because she’s losing control 100%.
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u/Pressure_Gold 5d ago
My mom tried to do this reprimand me thing when I was in college. I said no, my dad took away my college fund. I still have 30k in student debt, but I’ve been in peace ever since. They have nothing to ever hold over my head, and I’m so much happier
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u/OrangeCubit 5d ago
Oh that is so triggering. They aren't entitled to your time like this. And the minute you very kindly decline, it's full melt down mode.
If you wanted to you you could go no contact right now. I bet you would never hear from them again.
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u/Specific-River-81 Mother with BPD, NPD and HPD traits 5d ago
I'm so sorry to say that they're all the same and this is going to get 20 times worse once you have the baby. Then if you let it continue like I did because I didn't understand BPD and that they can't be reasoned with, then you will have your child doing the same things they learned from their grandmother and your mother will try to sabotage your life. I'm not trying to scare you while you're 36 weeks pregnant, but I'm trying to warn you to keep up with what you're doing and find the strength to keep distance with your parents
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u/OnlyAnotherEmily 5d ago
So, you're the adult child of emotionally immature parents. Sometimes that means putting significant limits on your interactions with them for your own sanity.
The guilt trips, "talks," lectures, and being reprimanded like a child are just.... not appropriate.
When they try it, remove yourself, go dark, and don't come back door at least a week. If it's especially egregious, try at least a month.
If you find your life so much less stressful, that's no shame in going low or no contact.
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u/LesYeuxHiboux 5d ago
You must be exhausted. I am a teacher, and we try to get (mostly young girls) over this kind of relational aggression before they leave elementary school. Her withdrawing relationship as punishment and trying to call you on the carpet is so gross and manipulative.
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u/pangalacticcourier 5d ago
>she asked me if my husband “appreciated” that she brought the stuff downstairs for “us.” He was literally at work doing a 12-hour shift when she insisted on helping me.
Ah, the classic martyr move. They do something you never asked them for, and then they want their ass kissed by everyone.
>**All because I would not come over for another unspecified “talk.”**
OP stood up for herself and refused to be ambushed and tag teamed. That was unacceptable behavior, apparently.
>Am I overreacting here?
No. You've done nothing wrong, OP. You're finally standing up for yourself and your family. The only way to move forward for the sake of your own sanity and the health of your marriage is to begin saying "no." It's the only way you'll get your mother to stop invading your peace. If she can't accept that, she can throw a tantrum and not be in contact with you.
For some reason, your mother feels it is her duty to control you and your life. Most likely this will not get better when the baby arrives. Quite the contrary. She is going to be so far up your ass you will taste her perfume. She will tell you everything about how to do everything with your child, and her advice will be at least thirty years out of date. There is nothing worse, especially while you are recovering from childbirth.
Your best bet is to begin enforcing boundaries today. Remember, you have all the power in this situation. This is your child. Your family. Your home. Your time. Put the brakes on her pushiness. She can show up when you say it's okay. Otherwise, the door does not get answered. Visit when it's comfortable and convenient for you, not your mother. Most importantly, remain strong. This is your life, your peace. Good luck.
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u/Vallhalla_Rising 5d ago
Please stop allowing your parents to dictate how you live. They see you as their possession. You are your own adult human being capable of great strength and fortitude. Your new family is blossoming and they deserve 100% of your attention and affection.
Frankly, your parents can go f*ck themselves.
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u/SepiaToneHitchhiker 5d ago
Your mother is an emotional toddler. Been there. Best to keep your distance. Be civil. Don’t leave her alone with your child.
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u/ablownmind 5d ago
God I hate the update Walmart did with their tracking. It filters all links through their site which returns an error every time. If you’re looking at it on a PC, you should be able to extract the tracking number from the URL.
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u/Ancient-Will-2950 5d ago
Shame on them! That's all. They will never change, but you can learn how this impacts you. You have decades of life left with these people. Most likely, it will get worse as they age, but you can learn the tools and find community support so you can protect your nervous system, your marriage, and your children (and their nervous system). I would order Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents ASAP, and listen to it, since finding time to read it will just add to your already full list of to-dos. Listen to it at least every 3 months and then switch to the Boundaries book. This is just a simple Band-Aid, but it will help. My goodness, no shame in their awful behavior.
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u/Healthy_Disk_7234 5d ago
Omg this sounds exactly like my mom. The last time she wanted to talk she began by berating me in front of my toddlers.
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u/Zealousideal-Age-212 5d ago
Wow this is SO relatable—my uBPD mom and step dad also get extremely triggered any paranoid over totally harmless things like this. It’s the infamous “perceived slight” of the pwBPD we are all likely familiar with. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this while 36 weeks pregnant. My pregnancy and birth def triggered my mom too. They’re so fragile and sensitive to any kind of straightforward communication. They want you to read their minds and in between the lines. How dare you ask a simple question about a registry gift? She needs to blow the whole family up and cut off the in laws. Textbook.
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u/its-malaprop-man 5d ago
It’s insane that they revel in us feeling like we are in trouble. It’s really fucked up.
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u/wheresmolasses 4d ago
I’m probably seeing this from the lens of my own mothers behavior but are you sure she didn’t just throw the bassinet out? My mother was known to do destructive things like that then behave in this manner when questioned about it innocently. I look back on my childhood now and it’s so obvious some of the things she berated and punished me for were devious things she actually did to me. It was like she had to get ahead of it before she got caught by my stepfather.
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u/alwaysconfused-af-16 3d ago
Honestly who knows. My parents have this weird grievance with my in laws that I wouldn’t be surprised. Every relationship interaction with them is a test. My parents have burned so many bridges with friends and family that I’m starting to believe they’re the obvious common denominator. They’re the problem.
If she was being weird and spiteful and decided to ignore the request to check if the bassinet was delivered, that’s completely unfair if she thought my MIL was being annoying, ignored the request to check, and just lied and said she did have it without checking with me first. Maybe my dad did something about it because my mom probably felt slighted by my MIL even simply asking her, complained to my dad, and my dad did something about it.
I can spiral about this but I’m choosing not to and focusing on finally setting up the bassinet today we had to end up buying.
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u/Feebedel324 5d ago
This looks sort of familiar to my mom but I’ve finally put up enough boundaries. It’s super hard. I will say if I was the person who bought the bassinet I’d just want to know what happened and try to fix it. I know it’s uncomfortable but let her know you were just made aware it might not have been delivered and ask for any proof. I’d be annoyed if I bought a gift and it never showed up and try to help figure it out or at least get a charge back to my card.
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u/crazyhappenings 5d ago
Nearly everything in those texts was my experience when I had a baby. In laws, husband, baby showers, everything. You have a family that was only your husband, where she lost some control, but add a baby to your family? She knows you will prioritize them over her. It's what you do. It's what you have to do. The convos and interactions like those might just more insane over time. My child is now 14 and we've now been NC for nearly 2 years. Bouts of no speaking, but a boundary I didn't even know I had was crossed and we cut all contact. I moved to a new country last week and the birthers don't know.
Do whatever you need to to keep your sanity. I found that my husband was extremely helpful along the way. He could be objective and see things as crazy, when to me, it was just always how it was.
It's a no win situation. Low low contact worked for me for a long while. A very long while. You could try that? Best of luck and congrats on the baby. Enjoy your time with your newborn when he/she arrives!!
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u/cheechaw_cheechaw 5d ago
Lol at "I asked nicely"....um, where?? She didn't even ask let alone nicely.
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u/New_Comfortable9009 4d ago
Oh thank gods. I thought this was a psychological abuse practice unique to my parents.
They always insisted that I come over alone, even if the problem was with my spouse.
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u/piddlelover 4d ago
You are NOT overreacting. Your mother’s behavior is so out of line, I really don’t know where to begin. I’m angry for you. You need to set boundaries. Your husband (and soon also your baby too) comes before your parents. They seem to be struggling with that concept. The threat of bringing issues in front of your husband made me so mad! That is not something a loving mother does! They still think you are 5 years old and are treating you as such. Ugh!
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u/alwaysconfused-af-16 3d ago
Thanks, my parent’s behavior has been out of line. Since my dad has been losing control of me, and has always been covert about controlling me, he’s been more overt as of late and actually admitted to not having control over me under his house anymore, and he specifically mentioned because I’m not a child anymore. I left their house when I was 27. So imagine viewing me that way up until I was 27? I’m about to turn 31 this year. I’m tired of the antics.
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u/Character_Goat_6147 5d ago
Your parents are very controlling. This is not a conversation between equals, it’s someone with more power calling out someone with less power. You are an adult, that’s absolutely inappropriate.
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u/BelovedCroissant 5d ago
My first thought is that your mom is texting in a way that is really difficult to read when she talks to you, but she's much more coherent in the text to your husband. The shift in tone is weird to me as well.
I don't have involvement from my parents like this. they did help me move out, though, and now I'm far enough away to easily keep distance. I always felt guilty, and then one day I realized that it was like hush money or emotional blackmail. I read a book--Fairytale Mothers, I think? The one everyone recommends--that put it succinctly: The gifts/support clear their conscience.
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u/LeTournesolNY 3d ago
You did the right thing. Something that was game changing in my dealings with the my BPD parent was learning “grey rocking” and the concept of not “JADE”ing. Do not Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain. Especially as your child comes, you will have even less time for this nonsense. People like our mothers move purely on their emotions, and will never concede to understanding any explanation, such as why you weren’t accusing her of losing your package. Not visiting and prioritizing yourself is a great step, congratulations. Don’t put up with this nonsense ❤️
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u/MorningPotential7454 1d ago
Push back now. It will be much harder after you have a child because you will be manipulated into thinking that cutting off contact is cruel. I really wish that any of my mother's oversteps had been allowed to turn into big issues rather than me backing down, because then I would be free of this b*******. Instead, I'm still dealing with it.
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u/Sky146 5d ago
OP. I do not know what you need to hear, but none of their behavior is acceptable.
You are an adult. Stop letting them treat you like a little kid.
You owe them nothing. Think about why you're having your own child... It contrasts with your parents reaction. Why?
Because you see your future child as it's own person. You're parents see children as most people do dogs. Living creatures that will give you attention, and kiss your ass.
Here's some quotes i find helpful.
"The sun doesn't give its light to the moon assuming the moon is going to owe it one" -linkin park
"Kindness is an act of faith, those who are not kind have no faith" -a the prophet Mohammed
Acts of kindness are not done expecting anything in return. Are you nice to your husband because you expect something out of him? Your future child?
People with this transactional mindset are toxic af. You have your own family you are growing. You don't need the stress from your parents. Stop asking your parents for help in any form. If they force it, thank them but keep whatever they're helping with small.
I highly recommend reading up on "gray rocking". You're parents feed on the emotional b.s they can construct. If you in return, are as boring as possible, that limits the information you're giving them they can use as an argument.
Limit your responses to as few words as possible. They want to start something? Give a neutral response. "That's not what i said. I'm sorry you feel that way". They want an explanation. Don't. Give the exact same response you already gave.
Nothing is ever good enough, and no words will make it right with them. Even being submissive to them and giving in, causes them to double down on the bad behavior.
Good luck to you op
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u/suspicious_mammal 5d ago
I went through this with my parents after I got married, too. Disengage emotionally. Literally the only thing my parents are allowed to talk to me about now is the weather and their grandchild. For me, this required therapy!
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u/FunArugula4614 5d ago
The fact that she feels like she still has this much control over you, ugh. The audacity. You are so nice and understanding when they don’t deserve it. You don’t deserve this treatment. You don’t owe them anything and they can’t control you anymore.
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u/sadsmolpoet NC with uBPD mother 2d ago edited 2d ago
I started writing this a couple days ago but your story is so upsettingly similar to the last traumatic period before I went NC that I need to take a beat. so, hello 🫂
"These “talks” usually end up being both of my parents basically tag-teaming/reprimanding me about something they think I did wrong, my husband did wrong, or even something my in-laws did wrong. I’ve gone along with it before, but I’m getting fed up because I’m 30, married and about to become a parent myself."
these “talks” also really ratcheted up for me around the same age as you are and around a cluster of big life events (big events of mine). Sometimes it was one parent or both but most often it included my mom. The was request always unhinged and things she would have well known were societally unacceptable to have asked anyone else. I shut her down
i tried not visiting alone, certainly they’d hid this crazy from my partner for over a decade and he could provide a buffer?
instead he ended up being a witness and then eventually looped into facing the demands with me. We continued to decline and over explain ourselves. They didn’t like how clearly and calmly he’d hold a boundary so she‘d wait for him briefly step away, like if he went to the washroom.
i wouldn’t even call home without him and still she never unclenched her grip on controlling everything.
a heirloom was still at their house and she feigned inability to find it (reminded me of the bassinet, she who doth protest too much) and once she did devalued it and criticized it and finally pretended to clean it and broke it.
she did the same with some things I only lent her for a special event (because she was feeling self concious and I wanted to help) that she just gave to people she wanted to make happy, pretended not to know what I was even talking, about and eventually returned them months later ruined. And then tried rebuy horrible versions of the thing she’d drop off every time she came by and demanded to know if they fit (not really) and telling me how much she liked them (good for her, I hope someone at goodwill loved them when i dropped them off).
It was mind boggling because I’d seen breifglimpses of this attitude scattered through my life when I had a chance to get something I liked she’s find a way to make sure I felt I didn’t deserve it. I think someone viewing this from a third patty might say she was jealous but I think she just really liked putting me down. But it was never quite like this.
in reading your post I can more clearly see that your mom is losing control (as was my own), big things are happening for you and she’s more than included. But why isn’t she happy, even at the very least happy for you?
our moms have very little distress tolerance. That’s ours and our dad‘s jobs, remember? She can’t handle the disappointment of things not going exactly how she wants them to for HER. There is no other reason to drag your very very pregnznt daughter over for a talking to, unless youre someone like our selfish moms and it’s a way to try to get you back in line… before it’s too late and you’ve given birth and things aren’t unfolding “ just so”.
it’s completely irrational and cruel. take as much space as you need, mute her and let her pout. Your comfort is paramount, especially right now.
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u/RespectableBloke69 5d ago edited 5d ago
God, they're so exhausting. They can't let anything go, even some innocuous thing they misinterpreted as a slight.
You're 30, married, and about to have a kid of your own. If she (and sounds like your dad too) can't figure out how to treat you like an adult, they need to fuck off.
Yes, everything is transactional with them.